My Happy Place- I’m Movin On!

Just because I’m not a fan of Mother’s Day doesn’t mean I’m not going to live my life. I’m not sitting around on the pitty potty depressed, sad, mad or angry.  There was a time for that and my healing process was filled with those seasons of grief & loss. I’m not saying I still don’t have those moments but I’m moving forward and living my life in a pretty magical way I would say.  I did need to share my feelings about Mother’s Day but make no mistakes-

I’m MOVING ON!

I’m outside the box.

Traveling around.

Looking for adventure.

The sky is the limit.

Finally I’ve found my HAPPY PLACE!

Hiking, Nature & Waterfalls.

God is so close to me in nature, more so than any church I have ever stepped foot into.

I like to be free.

Free to be me, happily.

No strings attached.

Wandering in the woods. 

How could I have missed this for so long?

Today I’m thankful I’ve found what makes me happy.

It’s not people or possessions.

They only cause my tribulation.

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Today…

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Where I can dream again.

Where I can be a kid again.

Vitamin N.

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When a “Birth” Mother Lies & Keeps Secrets…

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After 41.5 years I am still trying to fix the mistakes of my birth mother.

In her eyes “It was the best choice”.

In my eyes it’s been the biggest nightmare and loss of my life.

41 years ago I was a secret to everyone around. Her shame was too big. Her guilt probably enormous. I have tried to put myself in her shoes back in 1974. She made probably one of the hardest decisions of her life. I have accepted her decision. She did what the industry told her would be THE BEST FOR ME…

Hand me over to strangers.

But what they failed to tell her was the lifelong grief, loss, abandonment, rejection & trauma I would experience because of HER CHOICE.

I HAVE HOPE IN HEALING BECAUSE GOD IS MY HEALER!

Her choice was to keep who my biological father was hidden. Not just from me, but from HIM. She CHOSE FOR ME AND FOR HIM that we could never lay eyes on one another, never celebrate a Father’s Day or Holiday together. She CHOSE for us both that we would never have a relationship.

SHE DID THAT.

Because of her SECRET he knew nothing about me.

Naturally I want to know Him! I want to find him!

Because He knew nothing about me when I showed up at his door,

HE HAS DENIED I’M HIS DAUGHTER FOR THE 16 YEARS HE’S KNOWN ABOUT ME. 

WHY?

BECAUSE MY BIRTH MOTHER KEPT THE PREGNANCY A SECRET. I WAS GIVEN UP FOR ADOPTION WITHOUT HIS CONSENT.

“FATHER UNKNOWN”

WAS A LIE!

How do we teach our kids not to lie but adoption is filled with lies and deception?

Explain that to me?

I wonder how many women FALSELY put “FATHER UNKNOWN” on their child’s birth certificate knowing they were lying, being deceptive, keeping life changing information hidden for years to come?

My birth father has known about me since 1999. He’s had 16 years to get to the bottom of the truth. But because of MY BIRTH MOTHERS DECISION he is skeptical I show up on his door step and tell him I’m his daughter! Do you blame him? I don’t?

He has said over and over “what are we gonna do get a blood test 30-40 years later?!”

Actually DNA is so much more advanced now, I was able to get a DNA test without his DNA which linked me 2x to his family tree by his family surname.

BIRTH MOTHERS CAN LIE AND KEEP SECRETS ALL THEY WANT BUT DNA DOESN’T LIE!

THE TRUTH ALWAYS COMES TO LIGHT!

ALWAYS!

“For all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to all.”- Luke 8:17

You can read my last attempt to deliver him the DNA confirmation here.

A follow up to that post is basically Father Felix stopped communication with me. 100% cold turkey.

Heartbroken All Over Again.

Regardless I never knew if he delivered the DNA Results. So I decided in one last attempts to FIX WHAT MY BIRTH MOTHER LIED ABOUT I needed to make sure my birth father knew the TRUTH that I am his daughter. I have decided to mail the DNA results on my own along with a letter and a photo.

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WHAT DO I HAVE TO LOOSE?

Absolutely NOTHING!

I went through a phase where I had given up. I lost all hope. I just couldn’t deal with any more rejection from my biological family but I prayed about it and something happened.

God gave me a fresh new wind to give it one last shot.

What am I expecting?

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

But this is something I need to do for myself. There has always been that uncertainty as far as my birth father is concerned. He didn’t know if I was REALLY his or not! Think about it, he would have to face the past and take accountability for his actions. He fathered a child out of wedlock, in the 70’s. He might feel shame or remorse, he might not care at all! Either way I am not mad at him, but I can’t imagine not wanting to get right with my only daughter before I die! He’s 77 for God’s sake.

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Do we look alike?

Regardless of what he does or doesn’t do after he receives the TRUTH I have done my part. I have spent 41 years in agony and those days are over for me. If he knows I’m his only biological daughter and HE STILL DENIES ME

I AM FINISHED!

I will leave the door open, but I am walking away.

So what happens when a birth mother lies and keeps secrets?

IT ONLY HURTS THE ADOPTEE AND IT HURTS US GREATLY! IT DOESN’T JUST GO AWAY. IT’S A LIFE LONG STRUGGLE. IF THE ADOPTION AGENCIES AND ADOPTION COUNSELORS ARE TELLING YOU OTHERWISE THEY ARE LYING TO YOU. I AM ADOPTED AND I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE. I WOULDN’T WISH IT ON MY WORST ENEMY!

I MAILED THIS PACKET TO MY BIRTH FATHER TODAY. AFTER 42 YEARS IF HE STILL DENIES ME IT’S HIS LOSS. BUT PLEASE SAY A PRAYER FOR ME AND A PRAYER FOR HIM.

WHAT HAS IT BEEN LIKE HAVING A FATHER OUT THERE THAT IS ALIVE BUT I CAN’T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM BECAUSE ADOPTION STOLE HIS RIGHTS AND STOLE A CHANCE AT US GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER? LIKE GRIEVING THE LOSS OF SOMEONE WHO IS ALIVE. HAVE YOU EVER DONE IT? ADOPTEES HAVE TO LIVE WITH THIS DAILY AND THE ADOPTIVE PARENTS CAN PRETEND ITS NOT THERE BECAUSE WE DON’T TALK ABOUT IT…

LET ME SHARE YOU ALL ARE THE LAST PEOPLE I WOULD SHARE THESE FEELINGS WITH. THAT WOULD BE A TOTALLY DIFFERENT BLOG POST.

FOR ALL THE BIRTH MOTHERS/FIRST MOTHERS OUT THERE WHO MIGHT BE READING- IF YOU ARE KEEPING ANY SECRETS OR LYING PLEASE RECONSIDER.

EVERYONE DESERVES THE TRUTH NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS.

EVERYONE DESERVES TO KNOW WHERE THEY COME FROM.

WE CAN’T HEAL UNLESS WE HAVE OUR TRUTH!

ALL OF IT!

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The Fight of My Life

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God planted me in my birth mother’s womb

Did he plan all the alcohol she would consume?

I know he did NOT. This was her choice

Just like surrendering me for adoption

As an innocent baby with no voice

Month by month passes

The date is getting closer

I spent 9 months bonding

But I was getting ready to lose her.

A sacred bond

Would be broken too soon

I can imagine the sorrow

In the delivery room

August 13, 1974 the fight began

The minute I was born my birthmother ran

Conceived out of a drunken one night stand

Did my tiny body ever feel her warm soft hands?

I spent the next 4 days in the nursery all alone.

But I always wondered

Did she name me?

Did she hold me?

Did she love me?

Did she think about me?

I will never know my birth right

What was the beginning of my life like?

Handed over to strangers

Who wanted a child of their own

What happened to my mother?

Her voice, scent & sacred bond are all I’ve ever known.

A counterfeit bond was forced upon me

Who was this lady?

I didn’t recognize anything about her

Forced to live a delusion

I had no way out

Trapped in this home with this woman

Who wanted to be my Mother

I never bonded with anything about her.

Her Her Her

It was all about Her.

I made her dreams come true.

My sadness never welcomed.

She conditioned me to be THANKFUL

How could I be thankful for the biggest loss of my life?

My loss never acknowledged.

I never grieved or processed losing an entire family.

I loved my first family but I couldn’t even put faces or names to them.

TORTURE

Years passed and I would ask

OVER AND OVER

“Where is my mother?”

 “She loved you so much, but she gave you away for me to raise”

How does a MOTHER give away their child?

Especially the one they LOVE?

CONFUSION & CHAOS

NO UNDERSTANDING

HEART BROKEN

SAD

DEPRESSED

ANGRY

RUNAWAY

RAGE

ALCOHOL

SEX

DRUGS

FIGHTING

ANGER

ANGER

ANGER

EVERY DAY SEARCHING FOR MY MOTHER!

Where is she? This has to be a mistake.

No mother would give their baby away if they love them?

What is love anyway?


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ADDICTION

My birth mothers sickness became my sickness too.

I started drinking alcohol at 12

It was all I knew

It took the pain away

But only until the next day

It haunted me and tortured my mind

But why can’t I just leave it all behind?

BECAUSE

I NEEDED TO KNOW WHO I WAS

WHERE DID I COME FROM?

WHO WAS GOING TO HELP ME?

I NEED MY ANSWERS

BUT NO WHERE TO TURN

THE WORLD IS UP AGAINST ME

I HAD TO FIGHT ALL ALONE

FROM THE MOMENT I WAS BORN

MY HEART TURNED TO STONE

ALCOHOL CONTINUED TO NUMB EVERY BONE.

Looking around

Surrounded by strangers

Where is my family?

Looking in the mirror hating what I was looking at

I was disposable

JUST LIKE THAT

The Fight of my Life is just beginning

I needed my truth with EVERYTHING IN ME

How do you live with your HISTORY kept hidden?

The WORLD glorifies my biggest LOSS

Leaving me feeling alone, isolated & I feel like the

 WORLD’S MOST HATED

All because I NEED MY TRUTH?

Begging the world for something that is already mine

Do they not understand the value of TIME?

Every day that passes, memories are LOST

Will they ever be FOUND?

The world celebrates my biggest loss.

Heartbreaking but I must keep it silent

The fight continues

This is the FIGHT of my LIFE

This is not just for me

It’s for my kids, my future grandkids and their kids.

I’m up against the WORLD

The WORLD that glorifies adoption

But doesn’t welcome me finding my TRUTH

How heartbreaking to be in such a world

That doesn’t support adoptees who

NEED THEIR TRUTH

How does it feel to be a secret?

My birth father didn’t know I existed

For 37 years I wished I was aborted

That’s as honest as I can keep it.

Call it selfish

Call it what you want to call it.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO LIVE WITH THIS PAIN

BEING BORN IN A WORLD

FOR ANOTHER PERSONS GAIN

If the adoption agencies would be HONEST

Maybe adoptees would have some resources available

Instead they deny our grief, loss & trauma

Adding to the terrifying adoptee suicide rate being 4x

More likely than non-adoptees.

HOW CAN THEY LIVE WITH THEMSELVES?

Profiting off such trauma, grief, lies, and supporting secrecy & lies?

But you keep glorifying adoption and keep turning a BLIND EYE

At the pain involved. You support adoption but you don’t support all adoptees in finding our TRUTH?

You are part of the problem.

FACE IT!

NO RUNNING!

GROWING UP-

Reoccurring thoughts of suicide

Visited me morning, noon and night

Darkness is not from God-

He is the WAY THE TRUTH & THE LIGHT!

He had no intentions of me being born into a FIGHT!

 

The Fight of my Life

Seeking any CLUE to my PAST

There is NO HELP AND NO ONE TO ASK!

Question marks follow me everywhere I go

Don’t they understand?

IT’S KILLING ME TO NOT KNOW!

THE TRUTH

THE TRUTH

THE TRUTH

I need the truth

I’m fighting for the TRUTH

That’s all I want for Christmas, Birthdays, Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Thanksgiving and any other holiday

FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE

All I want is truth…

Wrap my truth up and gift it to me please?

My truth is more valuable than a

Hundred pound sack of rubies

Put “TRUTH SEEKER” in my

BOOK OF LIFE

Lord knows when I go out it isn’t going to be without a FIGHT!

I didn’t care if my birth mother was a $2 crack whore

I STILL WANTED TO KNOW HER!

Finally over a 40 year period

Fighting the FIGHT of my LIFE

I finally find my truth.

God handed it to me piece by piece

He said “Give me some time and you will see…”

No one on earth helped me or supported me

I was alone.

But God, he was with me the entire time.

It’s the people of this WORLD

Who left me HIGH & DRY

They didn’t care of the mental torture

And emotional anguish I experienced

Even the counselors don’t understand

They SUCK at complex adoptee grief, loss & trauma adoptees face!

NONE HELPED ME & I SAW DOZENS OF THERAPISTS GROWIN UP!

But GOD

As I received my TRUTH as heartbreaking as it has been

He knew I needed to know what the world felt like they were protecting me from

Because GOD knows in order to HEAL IT WE HAVE TO FEEL IT.

God knows we need our TRUTH to move forward and heal.

No matter what painful double rejection I have experienced from FIGHTING SO HARD FOR MY TRUTH God has been with me when the world has left me.

I feel betrayed by the world

LOVE IS NOT ALL WE NEED

God is my only safe place

Who understands?

My fellow adoptees

God

That’s it.

God alone is enough for me, but when I flock together with my fellow adoptees

I have a peace that surpasses all understanding.

They get me. I get them.

They understand me. I understand them.

I SHARE MY STORY FOR THEM

August 12, 2012 I had my last drink

Reality set in and God gave me some time to think

I was running, but running from what?

The PAIN the TRUTH Brought

I denied it until I put the bottle down.

The Fog Lifted

Things became clear

No more alcohol

Finally HEALING is NEAR!

40+ years after fighting the WORLD for my TRUTH

I have made the choice to wave the white flag.

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I CAN’T FIGHT THIS FIGHT ANYMORE!

This FIGHT HAS TO DIE or it will KILL ME FIRST!

My Mind

If you only knew the thoughts I have in my mind, daily.

It has drained me dry, isolated, all alone all I can do is cry!

I can’t even focus on living because my LIFE HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT A LIE!

No more alcohol to numb the pain

It’s been 1309 Days since my last drink

 I live my life in recovery.

4 Years soon!

I’ve been consumed on a healing journey

But now that I have my truth I can accept it and move forward.

I was not allowed to FEEL the pain publicly or outside of my mind growing up

SO I share it TODAY because today I’m FREE

Free because after I’ve fought the good fight

 And it’s all said and done I’ve learned I’m not like

ANYONE

I am who God created me to be!

Fighting so hard to fit in and find my place.

God has clearly let me know I am like Him

BUT HE KNEW I NEEDED TO SEE

MY TRUTH

IT WAS HEARTBREAKING

IT TORE MY HEART INTO SHREDS

I would rather know the truth than live a LIE

But GOD

He’s given me the tools to heal.

He is my healer!

All the times growing up I thought God abandoned me

He was right there with me when the world abandoned me

He is a God of TRUTH

He isn’t a God of secrets & lies!

If you ask yourself what “Truth” is and use God as a source of truth through his word you find the word TRUTH in the Bible 228 times (NIV) 224 times (KJV) 269 times (NLT) 

TRUTH MEANS NOTHING HIDDEN!

“I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.” -3 John 4

“Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.” – Colossians 2:7

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” – John 8:32

“But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come.” – John 16:13

“But there is nothing [so carefully] concealed that it will not be revealed, nor so hidden that it will not be made known. For that reason, whatever you have said in the dark will be heard in the light, and what you have whispered behind closed doors will be proclaimed on the housetops.” – Luke 12:2

If the word TRUTH is in the bible 269 times (NLT) why can’t adoptees have their truth?

Why are we the exception of receiving what’s rightfully ours?

I’m standing on God’s word for ALL ADOPTEES ALL OVER THE WORLD!

Secrets & Lies are from people of the world.

NOT GOD!

Adoption Agencies & the Adoption Industry condone Secrecy & Lies

God is a GOOD GOD

He doesn’t want pain and anguish for his children

Especially for 40+ years

The Fight of my Life

Has almost taken me out

If the devil had his way I would have never learned what God was all about!

But God shined his light on me

He knew my broken heart and why I needed to see

The grass isn’t always greener on the other side

But I had to determine this for myself

Not because the WORLD was trying to

PROTECT ME!

(Secrets & Lies)

I’ve fought the good fight so many take for granted

WHO AM I?

WHERE DID I COME FROM?

Thank God his seeds have already been planted

I’m making the choice to FORGIVE the WORLD

And the ADOPTION INDUSTRY

But I will never forget how your secrets and lies have impacted me!

They have hurt me deeper than you will ever know

But today I’m ready to live my life with my past as freshly fallen snow!

God promised it in his word, you know?

I can’t keep looking over my shoulder trying to figure out

WHY

WHY

WHY?

The fact that I’m the daughter of the KING makes my eyes tear up and CRY.

Happy Tears that bring FREEDOM & JOY

No matter how I came into the world

God planned me when my birth parents did NOT

He greeted me into this world, and hugged me tight

While the warm hands of my birth mother were nowhere in sight.

Hanging onto the pain is only blocking some of God’s light!

He calls his children to walk in FREEDOM

The closer I get to Him the more I can rely on Him when the triggers come

AND THEY COME!

Every Mother’s Day, Holiday, Birthday and Christmas.

Every time I want to call my “mother” she is nowhere to be found.

JESUS!

 HELP ME PLEASE!

MOTHER-LESS

MOTHER WOUND

God is my father, but it’s hard to replace him as my MOTHER

The mother wound is deep

But I have to allow myself the space (my blog) to process my emotions because I know the non-adoptee world really doesn’t want to hear it because they can’t relate.

Hating the WORLD and the people in it who support adoption has hurt me even more. Feeling like I’m up against the WORLD has created an even bigger sore.

An open WOUND next to impossible to heal

BUT GOD

Everywhere I look, if they only knew how I feel.

Ignorance is bliss

They don’t know what they don’t know.

Adoption Loss?

Adoption Grief?

Adoption Trauma?

Why does she sit around and cry about not having a momma?

Do the research on this bond being broken

It’s different than a father wound
God is my heavenly father.

Who is my heavenly mother?

I struggle with this daily

But it has made me an incredibly strong person

I raised myself with God along the way

I have done the best I could

With plenty of cloudy days

But TODAY I’m working on closing the door to

The past because it’s so dark and I don’t want to live there anymore.

It’s my choice you know?

But I needed my TRUTH FIRST

Because without it how do I know what to let GO?

How do I forgive with the truth hidden?

How do I give it to God if I don’t know what I’m giving?

TRUTH

TRUTH

TRUTH

It is CRITICAL!

Moving forward is impossible if I don’t know what I’m leaving behind.

How do I give God secrets and lies?

Please WORLD stop stalling my healing.

It’s only hurting ME & MY KIDS

Because it’s taken a lifetime to

FIGHT THE FIGHT OF MY LIFE

TO FIND MY TRUTH

AGAINST THE GRAIN

AGAINS CLOSED ADOPTION LAWS

AGAINST THE WORLD

WHO DOES NOT UNDERSTAND

IN ORDER TO MOVE FORWARD I NEED THE

TRUTH ABOUT WHO I AM!

I cannot fight my fellow adoptees fight

If I do I will be taken out with no hope in sight

I can walk along side of you and give you the

HOPE AND GLORY OF GOD

Because HE is who has carried me

THROUGH THIS FIGHT OF MY LIFE

I must admit, I’m tired of fighting.

I have part of my truth but I deserve it all

We all deserve our truth

Fighting the fight to find my truth

Has drained me and then LIFE?

It tries to knock you down anyway

 

So this fight…

Is it still worth fighting?

I’m ready to enjoy life and what it has to offer

I’ve forgiven my birth mother

I’ve gained sympathy for her

That decision she made 41 years ago

Created the biggest Fight of my Life

But today I have made the choice to

LET IT GO.

I have enough truth to be at a peaceful place

But acceptance is KEY

And praying to GOD

Because he’s the only one that can fill me with his Grace

I still have pain and this is my place to process

Grief & Loss sometimes overtakes me

BUT THAT’S OK

I will grieve my grief and losses

Cry loud and silent tears

But I want the rest of my life to be better than the first 41 years!

Grandkids will come in the future

I want to be a happy healthy grandma

And a better mom

So TODAY I have to wave the white flag

And thank God for bringing me this far

His beauty all around me

His sky was my baby blanket growing up

And still is.

Moving Forward

But I never want to forget my past

Because how else can I share what God has done for me?

FREEDOM AT LAST!

Laying down this fight, feeling worn, tattered and bruised

But my God is a God of RESTORATION

WALKING WITH HIM IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO LOOSE!

God came in and is taking it all away

Healing my heart

Day by day

When you get sad and weary and it feels like the world is failing you

Remember God gives us the freedom to make all things NEW.

Leaving the past behind me

Waving Good-Bye

THE WHITE FLAG

I’ve traded a world full of lies

But make no mistake when you look into my eyes

I’m His Daughter and with me He is well pleased.

I refuse to keep my pain locked up any longer.

But today I release it to my

Heavenly Father

I can no longer fight this fight

I call it a truce

The Fight of My Life

I know Gods on my side

I will not lose!

It’s by God’s Grace I will contine to share my story.

This is just a piece of what my life feels like for the last 41 years as I struggle and a fight to find out my truth. It’s no rhyme or poem. It’s feelings I had to keep inside for 41 years. Without the truth I would never have been able to move forward to heal and make it to this place. “The Fight of my Life” is my truth as it is for many adoptees. I can only speak for myself but if you are an adoptee and can relate to feeling like you are fighting a battle all alone I promise you God is with you when it feels like the world is up against you. God has been with me this entire way, he’s never forgotten me and never forsaken me. He wants us to have our truth because HE IS TRUTH.

CHECK THIS VIDEO OUT- MY LIFE

Thanks for reading and never give up hope in finding our TRUTH & your FAMILIES! ❤

If you have no hope I have hope for you!

To my Pastor Marion Dalton- Thanks for helping me realize I was stuck in “Red Tape Living”. Through you God has opened my eyes to many things and I’m forever grateful for your teachings and lessons. Thank you isn’t enough! Just know if you happen to read this you have helped me more than you know.

I know I will always have pain attached to this grief, loss and trauma but through God I’m healing daily and moving forward living a sober life in recovery. I don’t have to drink today to process this pain but recovery isn’t for sissies and being adopted isn’t for sissies. God has let me know adoptees are some of the strongest people on the planet to be able to live through what we do and move forward. Thanks for reading.

Adoptees, Can you relate to this blog post? If so, please share how?

Love to ALL!

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JUST BECAUSE…

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Seeing adoption as a beautiful thing would mean I would have to ignore the original separation between mother and child before the adoption took place. It would mean I would put on a happy face about a mother and child being separated. It would mean I would celebrate children being taken from their homelands to AMERICA where they feel like aliens, and they had NO CHOICE in the matter. I have a very soft spot in my heart for every single adopted person because I KNOW that JUST BECAUSE WE ARE ADOPTED WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE GRATEFUL FOR LIFE AND WE AREN’T SUPPOSED TO HAVE ANY PAIN ATTACHED TO IT.

BUT WE DO AND MANY OF US STRUGGLE WITH SIMPLY BEING ALIVE!

IT’S HARD TO FEEL ALIVE WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE YOU WERE NEVER BORN!

For every adoption to take place, that child FIRST HAD TO LOOSE THEIR ORIGINAL IDENTITY, BIOLOGICAL FAMILIES, MEDICAL HISTORY ,and much more.

 I cannot ignore this and I will not ignore the loss, grief & trauma attached to adoption so the world can feel “comfortable” it doesn’t equate me as a mean angry person.

It just means I’m HONEST and I choose to look at the whole pie not just a piece of it.

I HAVE CHOSEN TO TAKE THE BLINDERS. YOU CAN DO THE SAME. 

IF ONE MORE NON-ADOPTEE STOPS AND LISTENS AND TRIES TO LEARN I AM COMPLETING WHAT I NEED TO HERE ON EARTH. Not to mention being there for my fellow adoptees!

My life has many beautiful aspects to it but being adopted is not one of them. I am thankful for many things in life but being adopted is not one of them.

The Sky is beautiful. Nature is beautiful. Colors are beautiful.

I’m thankful for my recovery. I’m thankful for my kids. I’m thankful God has rescued me. I’m thankful for the amazing people in my life.

But I don’t think adoption is beautiful and I am not thankful I was adopted.

My pain is too great to be able to celebrate that “thing” that is the cause of my pain. If you experienced the pain adoption brings to an adoptee you might agree. If you aren’t an adoptee, you have no idea.

JUST BECAUSE…

I searched and was reunited with my biological family doesn’t mean I love my adoptive family any less.

We are each born with a natural instinct to want to know who we are and where we come from. I believe it is inside each and every one of us, some stronger than others. For me, this desire was so strong it haunted me my entire life. It was torture not knowing. But my decision to search and find had absolutely no waver on loving or not loving my adoptive family. The 2 are totally separate. Unfortunately most adoptees feel we have to keep the 2 separate to make everyone feel “comfortable” when reality is we all have enough love to go around and we should be able to be comfortable blending our 2 families together because they are ALL a part of us. Sadly being born somewhere in the middle of 2 families many of us feel we can’t do that. We are made to feel guilty and from a very early age we are shamed in many ways about our first families. Mine was split. My adoptive dad is AMAZING, and his wife also. They have always been 100% honest about everything regarding my adoption. They are supportive but I have always felt I had to keep things separate, but this is not just my case. Many adoptees feel this way.  I have no relationship with my adoptive mom so she is not in my equation. My adoptive siblings and cousins who I communicate with are ride or die and I love them all. They have been supportive and I love them for that.

For those who are in my “family” whether it is biological or adoptive whom might be lurking on my page but we have no relationship- “HI, I hope life is treating you well!”

What if adoptees could have a family reunion with both our adoptive and biological families together?  Family reunions are another sad spot for me, but I won’t go there today. We could introduce everyone and share stories with each person on how life was, and talk about fun happy times and new beginnings. WOW. That is a rare find for us. I’m not sure if that has ever happened with my fellow adoptees? Has it? It certainly hasn’t for me.

 

JUST BECAUSE…

I share my story doesn’t mean I’m stuck in the past, focused on the negative and one ungrateful angry adoptee.

I share my story so I can let my fellow adoptees know they aren’t alone like I once was. I share it for them. I share it because I want the world to know where God has rescued me from. GOD ALWAYS GETS THE GLORY IN MY STORY! Please believe I wouldn’t be here today without my Heavenly Father! I share this because I am no longer a victim but I live in VICTORY. I share it because adoption hurts and I am on a healing journey. I share it because there is freedom in sharing. I share it because my story matters and your story matters. Why don’t you share your story so you can tell the world what God has done for you? I share it because the most painful thing in my life happens to be from being adopted and I never had ANY resources available to ME to help me work through my pain until I found Celebrate Recovery in 2012 and I started writing in 2011.  Find a Celebrate Recovery; they are all over the WORLD! This ministry saved my life!  I share my story because for 37 years I drank alcohol to “COPE” with the pain because I had absolutely no tools to work through abandonment & rejection issues adoption has caused me. Today I live a sober life in recovery and I am not ashamed! I share my story because adoption is portrayed as a beautiful thing, and there has never been any room for my pain. I share it in writing because no one can interrupt me here, and tell me how to feel or that I should just be grateful I wasn’t aborted. I’m angry but I have every right to be, as so many of my fellow adoptees.

How would you feel if you were lied to your whole life about how you came into this world and simple answers to your history were kept a secret from you? Oh that’s right; you can’t imagine that because you aren’t adopted. And then to have the people who love you most or all the adoption supporters turn a blind eye to your heartache and pain because they simply can’t comprehend what you are experiencing not knowing your TRUTH or REALITY IS THEY DON’T WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR PAIN because it’s simply uncomfortable to talk about grief, loss & trauma. Anger can be used in a healthy way and it can activate change depending on how you use it. Anger is a part of the grieving process so before you label me as an angry adoptee, please understand that we have much reason to be angry.

Am I really focused on the negative or are many aspects of adoption TRULY negative if you take your blinders off and quit pretending that the grief, loss & trauma is not there for adoptees? Can you take your blinders off and realize that secrecy and lies are NEVER OKAY? You can say I’m focused on the negative, or you can understand and stop denying that secrecy, shame, lies and all the grief, loss & trauma adoptees endure ALONE are very heavy burdens to bear making it a negative experience. Yes, it is negative! Unless you have experienced this, YOU HAVE NO IDEA at our day in and day out heartache and pain we carry. So please stop being so judgmental.

It just so happens I have stepped out of DENIAL and I have identified where my biggest source of pain has come from=ADOPTION. You can call it negative. I call it healing my hurts. In order to heal I have to share and be HONEST and I suggest everyone go through that process in life. GET HONEST.

Where does your biggest hurt come from?

Share it with the world. No better way to heal than share untold truths and have those who understand and get it know they aren’t alone.

One thing I know is I will always share the TRUTH.

MY TRUTH

No Lies. No Secrecy. No Half Truths.

JUST BECAUSE…

I keep you at a distance doesn’t mean I don’t love you or want you in my life. It just means I have spent my life so highly misunderstood and I have had to suffer through the pain, grief, loss & trauma 100% on my own ALONE I learned very young to be independent and to self soothe my hurts.

It’s different for me to call on people for help, but God is working on me in this area. I learned very young to self soothe when it comes to grief, loss and trauma and I am the most comfortable alone with God. I love being with my kids but I am not a needy clingy person and this is because of my adoption experience. I have experienced many symptoms of RAD & usually don’t share it much but I have some attachment issues I care to not make public. But they are there and they have always been there. Adoption is TRAUMA. Every time a mother and child are separated a trauma happens. Left untreated and unrecognized by society only adds to the trauma. If you see me you would never know, because God has given me a gift as he has with many of my fellow adoptees and that gift is to be able to put on a show and to be a giver in support for everyone around. I have an encouraging gift where I love to support people, and let them know God loves them and he’s never left them! By looking at me, and talking to me you would never know my struggles are invisible, internal very deep rooted that no one around can see. There is NO ONE on this earth besides my fellow adoptees that understand this pain. God understands it all. My blog is a reflection of the inside of my invisible wounds, inside my heart and this is a place where I can take my mask off and stop pretending that everything is perfect.

Life isn’t perfect for any of us, but what are you doing with your pain? Are you letting God use you so you can help others?

ALL IMPACTED BY ADOPTION PLEASE PURCHASE:

The Primal Wound- Understanding the Adopted Child

I was alone as a child suffering through the complexities of being adopted and I am still that way when it comes to my adoption experience. Thankfully I have some close friends who don’t understand but they support me and they TRY to understand. They are irreplaceable to me. I have a few close adoptive family members that try, and then there is my fellow adoptees that follow my blog and follow me on social media.

I live for you all!

I know you get it!

You all inspire me to keep sharing the complexities of this journey. Every time one of you reaches out to me and says, “WOW! You hit the nail on the head of exactly how I have felt my entire life but I just couldn’t share it!” you all inspire me to keep writing.

Remember feeling all alone as an adoptee?

Well those days are over. Every time an adoptee finds my blog they will hopefully know they aren’t alone after reading some of it. This is why I write, for my fellow adoptees.

JUST BECAUSE…

I share my adoptee journey doesn’t mean I don’t understand sometimes adoptions are 100% necessary. I base my opinion because I am adopted and I have more knowledge on the realities of many adoptions today than most people do. Because of this I can’t just leave that knowledge out of the equation to make the world feel comfortable.

I know that adoptions are sometimes necessary but I also know the trauma involved in each and every adoption so while the “world” celebrates “Gotcha Day” and “Homecoming Day” for adoptees I cry silent tears for that adoptee because I know what they had to lose to gain a family. I don’t deny the trauma involved in adoption while so many want to celebrate it. It’s like salt to a wound when our loss is celebrated. It’s hard for many adoptees and the pain is indescribable.

How would you feel if the WORLD celebrated the very thing that HURT YOU THE MOST? You would feel very isolated, alone and HURT!

I also know that yes, sometimes adoptions have to happen. But let me ask, was everything done to exhaust all options of this child being able to stay with its mother? Can someone in the family step up and take the child? Why does the name and birth certificate have to be falsified and changed? Did we have family preservation counselors trying to encourage her to keep her baby and that she is strong and good enough to raise her baby and material “goods” could never replace her love. Do we have someone in her corner encouraging her that YES SHE CAN do this! Is anyone encouraging her that she will be a great mother, and here are the resources to help her?  For the mothers on drugs or incarcerated can a family member step up and take this child until the mother gets her life together? If an adoption is necessary why do we have to change the child’s name and identity?  THIS HURTS!

What I see a lot of the time…

We have adoption counselors sowing seeds in this mother or doubt and disbelief that she can provide for her child and a stable “Adoptive Family” will be better? Does she have adoption agencies or pregnancy crisis centers using manipulation & coercion tactics on her because let’s just face it- There is big money to be made in adoption. It’s a business and people are profiting on mothers and babies being separated.

I am so sorry I find this “business” to be the most evil on the planet and

JUST BECAUSE…

I share my voice that I believe ALL MOTHERS AND BABIES should stay together doesn’t mean I’m a mean angry person. It means that I stand on

Mark 10:9- “Therefor what God has joined together, let no one separate”

But somehow because the adoption industry is a multi-billion dollar industry it’s okay for adoption agencies to prey on young vulnerable mothers and coerce them into giving their babies up? I can’t imagine having to go to bed each night living with that! They will have to answer to that one day! So will society and the world who supports and glorifies adoption as it has been transformed into today when they REALLY have been subjected to the rainbow farts and Kool-Aid of the adoption industry! They really know nothing about adoption but they support mothers and babies being separated?

Adoption TODAY is nothing like the Bible portrays adoption to be. There was no profit being made. There was no closed records, or secrecy and lies.

JUST BECAUSE….

Some adoptions have to happen doesn’t mean there needs to be a profit made. It doesn’t mean adoptees names have to be changed and their identities sealed in closed adoptions hidden away from them for centuries. It doesn’t mean the trauma doesn’t happen.

I saw this amazing article I wanted to share.

I Don’t Want My Name on My Daughter’s Birth Certificate

WHY ARE WE LYING AND FALSIFYING LEGAL DOCUMENTS?

WHY ARE WE IGNORING THE TRAUMA?

If we lived in a perfect world all mothers and babies would stay together. Why am I so obsessed with mothers and babies staying together? Because I lost my mother! That’s why. I know what it feels like and I know the deep rooted impact this has had on my life and it has been the biggest hurt you could imagine. THIS IS WHY I BELIEVE ALL MOTHERS AND BABIES SHOULD STAY TOGETHER! I had to experience losing my mother to experience the pain of it. If you haven’t lost your mother the minute you were born, you simply can’t relate.

Sadly, I know the world is not a perfect place but I believe whole heartedly that the world should try to support mothers and babies staying together at all costs before they even entertain the thought of supporting them adopting the child out to a “needy couple who wants to be parents”. There shouldn’t be adoption counselors encouraging separation of mother and child before there is someone stepping up trying to HELP that mother keep her baby, regardless of the circumstances. Finances should be the last reason a mother and child are separated. I always say I would have rather be with my birth mother dirt poor living in a card board box than handed over to a woman I didn’t know nor did I bond with. THAT IS REAL!!!!! Finances are temporary and things get better! Who is sharing with the birth mothers the reasons for adoption are a permanent solution to most of the time a temporary problem? Who is in her corner cheering her on, helping her and supporting her providing her with resources to KEEP HER BABY?

JUST BECAUSE…

I share my grief, loss, trauma and hurt and pain regarding my adoption doesn’t mean God is not healing me. Do you realize I went from an alcoholic mean, angry and very bitter adoptee who hated the world and everyone in it to a clean and sober adoptee that is almost 4 years in recovery who loves Jesus, who gives God the glory who is now filled with His grace in being able to share my story? I’m healing daily!

Never underestimate my blog posts or what I share just because you simply have a formed opinion about adoption and my story doesn’t line up with the beautiful picture you have painted.

Just so happens, MOST ADOPTEES STORIES don’t line up with the beautiful picture the world has painted about adoption, most of us have been shamed our entire lives and NEVER FELT WORTHY TO SHARE OUR STORIES because the WORLD only allows happy rainbow filled stories about adoption.

Well I am here today because my God is a GOD of truth and he knows my heart and he has been with me on my journey of life every step of the way. He WANTS me to share my story! Just because it doesn’t line up with yours doesn’t mean I should keep quiet! It means I should keep shouting until the world understands there is another side to adoption MOST ALL ADOPTEES FACE! A painful side, filled with grief, loss and trauma.

GOD HEALS!

But he can’t heal it if we aren’t allowed to feel it. The world might not care about my story, but God cares and when I share my story more and more adoptees are coming forward with sharing theirs. They are beginning to heal!

I had to step outside of the box and understand

MY STORY IS WORTH TO BE TOLD!

MY FELLOW ADOPTEES STORIES ARE WORTHY TO BE TOLD!

The next time an adoptee starts to share how they feel, how about cut it out with the silencer statements like “Aren’t you thankful you were given life?” or “Aren’t you thankful you weren’t aborted?”

I’m constantly silenced with scriptures, and spent many years being silenced because of it but today I have grown enough in my spiritual journey I will never be silenced by scripture because GOD is a God of TRUTH and he’s given me scriptures to throw right back!

IF YOU CAN’T ACKNOWLEDGE MY PAIN PLEASE DON’T SILENCE ME WITH YOUR SCRIPTURES!

Most of us struggle majorly LIVING LIFE and many of us would rather have been aborted! The pain is THAT GREAT! I know this because I’m in touch with thousands of adoptees! I spent 37 years angry at my birth mother because she chose life!

So please STOP and JUST LISTEN!

“Pamela is just angry and she just had a bad adoption experience. Most adoptions are nothing like hers!”

REALLY?

Visit: How Does It Feel To Be Adopted?

Don’t forget the adoptee suicide rate is 4 xs more likely than non-adoptees!

WHEN IS THE WORLD GOING TO WAKE UP AND JUST LISTEN?

I bet if your child was one of the adoptees who committed suicide you would have WISHED YOU LISTENED CLOSER! My heart aches for anyone who has experienced this, but take it from an adoptee who has contemplated suicide MANY TIMES!

WE NEED THE WORLD TO LISTEN!

 

JUST BECAUSE…

You made it to the bottom of this post it means you are genuinely trying to learn and listen. Maybe you are an adoptive parent or a birth parent or impacted by adoption in some way?

Maybe you are an adoptee and you can relate too much of what I have shared?

Either way, I commend you for reading, listening and trying to take in what you can. I know this is not your average story but I am committed in sharing my truth as I see it and letting all my fellow adoptees know they aren’t alone.

WE JUST NEED PEOPLE TO LISTEN!

WE NEED EQUAL ACCESS & OPEN RECORDS!

WE NEED TO BE ABLE TO SHARE OUR STORIES WITHOUT BEING JUDGED AND WITHOUT PEOPLE TRYING TO SILENCE US, AND WITHOUT THEM MAKING US FEEL GUILTY FOR WANTING WHATS RIGHTFULLY OURS; OUR BIRTH RIGHT.

JUST BECAUSE WE APPEAR TO BE FINE DOESN’T MEAN WE ARE.

JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN’T SEE OUR PAIN DOESN’T MEAN WE DON’T HAVE IT.

JUST BECAUSE MANY ADOPTEES DON’T SHARE THEIR STORIES DOESN’T MEAN THEY DON’T SUFFER SILENTLY.

JUST BECAUSE OUR ADOPTIVE FAMILIES MAY OR MAY NOT BE THE BEST MOST AMAZING FAMILIES IN THE WORLD DOESN’T MEAN WE STILL DON’T HAVE PAIN AND WANT ANSWERS TO OUR BEGINNINGS.

JUST BECAUSE MANY ADOPTEES ARE STRIVING TO FIND THEIR ANSWERS TO THEIR HISTORY DOESN’T MEAN THEY DON’T APPRECIATE WHO RAISED THEM NOR DOES IT WAVER ON HOW MUCH WE LOVE THEM.

JUST BECAUSE…

I’m adopted and I am on a healing journey doesn’t mean I can’t pull some positive areas I have gained strengths from due to my adoption experience. I’m 100% independent, never ask for help. I have had to suffer alone my entire life. Why ask for help now? I can pretend really well. My heart can be ripping in shreds, but I can put my hurt and pain up on the shelf and help my fellow adoptees because God has given me this gift, as he has many of us.  I know the true value of time and memories when so many were lost, stolen never to return. I know the true value of creating our own “safe place” letting go of toxic relationships and situations. I’m a very strong person and I’m a huge fighter. I’m not weak AT ALL and although the devil tried to take me out God had big plans for me! God has given me the gift of compassion for my fellow adoptees where there is NO ONE ELSE that can be in my shoes who has experienced all I have in life aside from ME. I consider these things gifts from God. I have been able to pull good things out of my biggest tragedy in life. So please don’t think that JUST BECAUSE I’m sharing my journey God isn’t doing huge things in my life. God is the way to healing and freedom! I know the true value of TRUTH and how much damage secrecy and lies can cause someone, especially when they are from the people that are supposed to “Love you the most!”

JUST BECAUSE…

I share my pain doesn’t mean God is done with me yet!

Baby steps, I am a work in progress.

Adoptees, Remember you aren’t alone in feeling the way you do. The way you feel is natural for a not natural situation! It’s never natural to be separated from your biological families at any time in life!

Adoptees, Can you relate to any of my post? How do you feel people respond to you when you share your adoptee experience? Are you labeled ungrateful or told you are living in the past?

mystory

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In Adoption There is No Healing from Half Truths

I always pray about what I write about before I write it.

I say, “God, what would you like me to write about today?” Usually he highlights something clear as day and lately the highlight has been:

“TRUTH TRUTH TRUTH”

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It’s simple

1/2 Truth + 1/2 Truth = A WHOLE LIE!

When we are given HALF TRUTHS about where we come from we are ONLY able to HALF WAY HEAL. When we are given HALF TRUTHS we are only able to HALF WAY FEEL WHOLE. We are only able to feel like HALF a human being. We feel LESS THAN because our TRUTH is being kept hidden from us. When we are denied our basic human birth rights, and those close to us SUPPORT that it HURTS US.

Do they not understand that we can’t heal a wound by denying it’s there? Do they not understand that until we receive our entire TRUTH we can NOT fully heal? We can NOT heal from half truths, secrets, shame and lies.

I can NOT even give half truths, secrets, shame and lies over to GOD because I don’t know what I am giving him!! I can’t say, “Hey God, here is a lie I am giving you today, I don’t know what that lie is or what I’m going to ask for healing for but God here’s the lie!” Yet so many of us are put in positions where the WORLD acts like it’s so simple that we should just be able to heal from lies, secrets and half truths and because we are not releasing these things to God we are making the CHOICE to be STUCK in this spot.

Well let me tell you that healing is IMPOSSIBLE unless we know our TRUTH! 

My God is a God of TRUTH. We need our entire truth so we are able to move towards healing. I’m still fighting for my truth. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for adoptive parents, birth parent and all of society that supports adoption to understand that we have a right to know ALL OF OUR HISTORY. We have a right to know ALL OF OUR ANSWERS our heart desires as to how we came into this world.

WE HAVE A RIGHT TO ALL THE KNOWLEDGE REGARDING OUR MEDICAL HISTORY, ANCESTRY, HERITAGE, GENETICS, FAMILY SURNAMES, PHOTOS OF OUR BLOOD RELATIVES, A CHANCE TO GET TO KNOW THEM, OUR SIBLINGS, BIOLOGICAL PARENTS, OUR FAMILY TREES. The list could go on and on, I think you get my point.

Jesus said to him, “I am the way,  the TRUTH, and the Life. No one comes through the Father except through me.”  – John 14:6

If Jesus is the TRUTH, and he is the way and the life, I can only believe that he stands for TRUTH. This lying, deception, manipulation, half truths and secrecy in adoption is NOT from GOD.

THE TRUTH MEANS NOTHING HIDDEN.

So why are adoptive parents, birth parents, and all who are involved with adoption supporting secrecy and lies? Why are the adoption agencies not telling the adoptive parents the TRUTH about the lifelong impacts and deep trauma adoptees face for their entire lives? Why are the adoption agencies ignoring the facts that the adoptee suicide rate is 4x more likely than non-adoptees?  Why are the adoption agencies not providing adult adoptees with resources on how to handle the trauma involved with being adopted?  

One word sums it up clear.

PROFIT

When I think of the word “Truth” I like to examine the pages of God’s word- The Holy Bible. This has helped me learn the truth of any subject of importance or significance. If you ask yourself what is “Truth” and use God as a source of truth through his word you find the word TRUTH in the Bible 228 times (NIV) 224 times (KJV) 269 times (NLT) 

WOW!

Knowing the truth is wonderful, but it is not enough! God expects us to act on the truth as He helps us learn it. More important than knowing the truth is living the truth—walking in truth. God already knows if we are walking in truth to the best of our ability! He knows EVERYTHING!

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“I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.” -3 John 4

“Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.” – Colossians 2:7

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” – John 8:32

“But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth.He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come.” – John 16:13

“But there is nothing [so carefully] concealed that it will not be revealed, nor so hidden that it will not be made known. For that reason, whatever you have said in the dark will be heard in the light, and what you have whispered behind closed doors will be proclaimed on the housetops.” – Luke 12:2

So my question is, for all those who might be reading who are involved in adoption, a part of the adoption equation or the adoption industry, for adoptive parents and biological parents:

ARE YOU WALKING IN TRUTH IN ALL AREAS OF LIFE REGARDING YOUR ADOPTION EXPERIENCE? 

Are you hiding the TRUTH in anyway and operating on HALF-TRUTHS? 

I can not and will not support the secrecy and lies in adoption today. None of them!  I urge anyone that is impacted by adoption to please pray about it and get alone with God. Ask him to search your heart and give you the courage to come clean in all areas of your life, not just the adoption equation. SECRECY & LIES IN ADOPTION STALLS OUR HEALING. THE ADOPTEE SUICIDE RATE IS 4X MORE LIKELY THAN NON-ADOPTEES FOR MANY REASONS. THIS IS ONE OF THEM. We have to fight the world for our truth, and spend most of our lives trying to figure this mess out on our own, because we have no resources. THIS HURTS!

GOD HEALS! 

But I can assure you from living with experience it is impossible to heal a wound by denying it’s there and by half truths and secrecy and lies.

WE NEED THE ENTIRE TRUTH TO BE ABLE TO ACCEPT IT AND MOVE FORWARD AND ASK GOD TO COME INTO OUR LIVES IT HEAL IT.

Please think twice before you keep secrets from adoptees, hid our history and feed us with half truths, secrets and lies. Please think twice before you participate in activities that keep secrets and hide our histories from us. When you participate in this YOU are only participating in prolonging our healing.

WE ALL DESERVE OUR TRUTH. WE ALL DESERVE TO BE ABLE TO HEAL. 

mystory

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