I remember finding out I was adopted at 5 years old and my life would never be the same. I started to fantasize about this woman…
The woman that gave me life.
Who was she?
Where was she?
Fantasy turned to obsession.
I was told she “Loved Me So Much” she wanted me to have a better life, so she surrendered me to my adoptive parents. This in turn was the best gift they could have been given- they were parents now. My loss and my birth mothers loss was my adoptive parents gain.
How could I be sad when they were so happy?
Thoughts of my birth mother never left my mind.
I remember very vividly I would escape what was going on inside, which was usually a manic depressive episode brought on by my adoptive mom so I could be outside. I say escape because that’s what it felt like. I would ask my adoptive mom if I could go outside to play and she almost always had chores for me to do. Getting outside was something I had to sneak to do on most days. At my dads house it was different. He always let us play outside so we could be free.
If I was to sneak out and my adoptive mother would learn I was gone, usually not 5 minutes would pass and she would be hollering for me at the door to get back in the house. On a rare occasion she would give me 30 minutes to play, or maybe 15.
During my time outside, I remember feeling free. I didn’t understand it as a child, but I can look back and understand it now.
I HAD A TIE TO THE SKY…
It was like my baby blanket growing up. In some strange way it made me feel closer to my birth mother, although I had no idea who she was or where shes was I knew in my heart of hearts she was under the same sky I was.
I remember laying in the grass, looking up. Dazing off wondering about HER. I would see a cloud that looked like a tree, and I wondered if she saw the same cloud. I would see a falling star and I wondered if she saw the same falling star. I would see how bright the sun was and beautiful rainbows and I wondered if she saw them too. Rainbows were my favorite and every time I saw one I would think of her…
I always fantasized she was going to one day come back and get me, so the more time I spent outside the better chance she was going to have at finding me. I would sit outside on the front porch and wait…
LOOKING AT THE SKY…
I remember being in the country of Iowa, climbing trees all the way to the top. I was so high I couldn’t get any higher but I would reach up and put my hand towards the clouds in attempts to be closer to my birth mother…
After all I knew that she was under the same sky I was…
The sky was my comfort.
It was my hope that one day I would see her again.
Did she see what I saw in the sky?
The sky and I became very close.
As I walked out the front door as a child it was like the sky was hugging me. Bringing me peace and comfort that I didn’t experience elsewhere.
It was my greatest escape.
THE SKY WAS MY FIRST LOVE.
No one can take the sky away…
Daydreaming about HER. What did she look like? What were her eyes like? Was she tall like me? Did she think of me like I was thinking of her? Was she looking for me like I was looking for her? Did she really love me like they said? If she loved me how did she give me away?
This must all be a big mistake…
She must be looking for me…
But until she comes the sky will comfort me.
Days turned into years and she never came.
By the time I was a pre-teen my hope faded but my love for the sky did not.
As an adult I still have the same love for the sky, but it’s much different now. I see sunrises and sunsets, rainbows and gorgeous clouds and I am in awe at God’s amazing beauty and creations. I believe God was the one comforting me through the sky the entire time as a child, and he is still doing this today. I’m constantly in AWE at God’s beauty, the hues, and colors and designs. It reminds me of HER. The mystery woman, my birth mother.
THE SKY & I
We will always have a special bond.
There isn’t much else on this earth that can comfort me like the sky does.
Being an adoptee in a closed adoption, I had no idea I had a brother until 2010. The minute I found out about Him was the minute I began searching- AGAIN. I was ecstatic about this, but where was he? What did he look like? Would he accept my children and I? Would I ever find Him?
All I knew is that I was going to dye trying. At all costs I was going to find Him. Almost a year to the date my long anticipation of waiting was over.
November 2011 I found my brother.
We spoke on the phone for the first time comparing notes on our lives. My birth father was His father. After seeing a picture of Him I was amazed at all of our similarities we shared. Our skin tone was almost the same, we were both very tall with the same natural hair color and it appeared we had more resemblances than His siblings he grew up with and was raised with. After comparing some of our baby pictures we both just knew we were siblings.
There was no question about it.
For me this was an outstanding discovery but the best part is my new found brother not only mirrored me, but he accepted me. Not only did he accept me, he accepted my children. Do you have any idea how much this means when I have been rejected by both my biological parents and their families?
THIS HAS MEANT EVERYTHING TO ME!
I was on top of the world!
I told everyone about my brother and in a very short period of time in my eyes, he hung the moon! He planned a trip to spend Christmas with my kids and I in Kentucky and we met for the first time December 24, 2011. It was a dream come true for me. This would be the first holiday in my life I spent with biological family. We sat at the table and talked for hours and hours. We both agreed we had a lot of making up to do.
I always told everyone He was the pot of Gold at the end of the rainbow for me and God always saves the best for last.
Greg will always be my pot of Gold & my TREASURE in my adoption journey!
Over the last 6 years we made many memories together. Greg flew to KY 2x to share Christmas with my children and I. We visited Texas 2x to attend His Annual Craw-fish Boil in 2014 and in 2015 I attended my very first Thanksgiving Dinner with Him. This was an amazing experience. Family gathering around to celebrate all things, especially one another. There aren’t enough words to express How wonderful Greg and His entire family has been to my children and I. I had 4 new found nieces & a nephew. I had a new sister and brother which were Greg’s siblings he grew up with.
In a blink of an eye I had a whole new family I could call my own.
Especially since so much has been lost in adoption.
Greg and I made a mutual attempt at having a relationship with one another from afar. It wasn’t easy but it seemed to come natural to both of us. We always looked forward to speaking to one another. He was in Texas and I was in Kentucky. He knew I loved the sunrises and sunsets so it was common for Him to send me early morning or evening pictures of the Texas sunset. This has always been a way to my heart because I see God in all things to do with nature and the sky. I looked forward to our long conversations on the phone catching up on how things have changed from the last time we spoke. Greg was always a breath of fresh air in my life. He was a big brother who gave me advice when I needed it, and listened when he needed a listener. He was an awesome dad, and an outstanding human being who would have done anything for anyone. Our similarities were astonishing at times. We both loved nature and hiking. He gave me great advice on many areas including the best supplements to take, hiking safe, how to check for ticks (lol), and so much more. At the end of every conversation we never hesitated to tell one another we loved each other.
Until Next Time…
Greg, ” I love you, Sis!”
Me, ” I love you too! We will talk soon!”
You see as an adoptee, I don’t tell people “bye”.
I say “I’ll talk to you soon”.
I know my fellow adoptees get it.
May 21st 2017 I received some tragic information that Greg was in an early morning motorcycle accident. He was going 60MPH on a Texas road and hit a cow that was laying in the middle or the road. His brain damage was so sever he was put on life support and the doctors didn’t think he was going to make it. Greg fought for His life for the next 3 days and on May 24, 2017 He went home to be with the Lord.
My heart is broken.
Not many non-adoptees get it but my fellow adoptees can understand the pain associated with something like this. Waiting our entire lives to find our people, and the emotions attached to having to search for them daily our entire lives. The pain attached to our never ending journey of wanting to fit in somewhere with our people. The roller coaster ride that comes with reunions. I remember visiting Greg and going to the bedroom to cry many times because I was so ANGRY I missed so many years with my brother! The grief of missing so much of Him in my life was inconsolable at times! I tried my best to hide it from everyone, but it would overtake my mind and I just couldn’t shake it sometimes. It sent me into depression episodes many times over the years.
How could I have a brother so amazing SOMEWHERE OUT THERE IN THE WORLD and because of the secrets & lies in adoption I had no clue he existed and he had no clue I existed? I was given up for adoption in 1974 without my birth fathers consent as if he didn’t exist- bullshit! And it’s still happening today in 2017! I’m not gonna lie, I’ve struggled with this and struggled a lot. As if anyone in the adoption “triad” doesn’t ever think of these things? Birth father’s have rights too! I would have known about my brother much sooner if it wasn’t for the secrets & lies in adoption!
ADOPTION IMPACTS ADOPTEES FOREVER!
IT NEVER GOES AWAY!
PLEASE BELIEVE IT!
Because we didn’t know about one another until 2011 I only got 6 amazing years with my brother. I’m crushed and most people that aren’t adopted simply don’t get all the dynamics of it all. Honestly, I’m thankful they don’t. Means they don’t know what this pain feels like. Please don’t mistake me sharing my feelings here as not being grateful for those 6 years! I’m extremely grateful!
May 24, 2017 I was given the gift of saying a final good-bye to my brother over the phone. He was in a coma, and on life support. They had made the decision to remove his life support because of the brain damage he suffered. Did he hear me? I will never know but they say that you should assume people hear you because a lot of the time they do.
I couldn’t believe this was happening. My brother I just found was the same brother I had to say a final good bye too? This was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life.
I sobbed and sobbed and said, “Greg, I just wanted to tell you I LOVE YOU! I’m so so very sorry you were in the accident and you are in this situation! But I want to tell you it’s okay to let go because I know this might be too much for you to hang on. Please believe we will all be okay but we sure are gonna miss you!!!! I’ve had some of the best memories of my LIFE with you and I could never thank you enough for loving me and accepting my children and I. They love you and will miss you and I want you to know you will be so missed but I will see you in heaven one day! I love you Greg”
I hung up the phone and continued to sob.
That was it.
Within a few short hours he was gone.
Not enough words to express the sadness and emotions I am feeling.
Bottom line is we all experience grief & loss in our lives. We handle it be best way we know how. All the way back to 5 years old and I found out I was adopted I have been grieving the unknown. My life has been a long road of grief between searching for my way back home, searching for my birth parents, and being rejected by them both I have experienced this grief & loss my entire life. This was the main reason alcohol was my escape. It did the trick, but now almost 5 years into living a sober lifestyle I am not running from the pain. I’m feeling it.
It hurts and hurts like hell.
Not long before the passing of my brother I have been writing about finding myself in nature, outside the 4 walls of the church. I have finally found my happy place and I know in my heart of hearts my brother would want me to continue to explore the world and go hiking and watch the sunrises and sunsets. He loved all these things as well! He would want me to continue to try to find happiness in the world we live in. I’m going to do that but I will never forget the brother that came into my life for 6 short years who was my treasure in my adoption journey.
47 years lost
6 years found
I will always hate adoption because of so much it’s taken from me and other adoptees. But I will always be grateful for the 6 years with my brother that some adoptees will never get. My heart breaks for them, like it breaks for the loss of my brother.
Today, I’m thankful for the 6 amazing years and I have 6 years of memories to hang onto. Non-adoptees don’t get it. For adoptees, memories are EVERYTHING because almost always we have none to hang onto, this is why many of us clench the pain so tight. There is nothing else to put in its place when you have no memories with your people! This is why there should be no secrecy and lies in adoption- EVER.
At this place in my life the less attachments and less people I have in my life, the less chance there is to lose them. I’m just tired. Tired of losing people. Tired of being rejected. Tired of being abandoned. Tired of the grief process. It’s taken a toll on me as it does all adoptees.
At least I’m not drinking to cope.
Today, I will continue to live life because my brother would want that. Last time we spoke I told Him about my bucket list of visiting all the waterfalls in Kentucky and falling in love with hiking. He was proud of me for finding something I have a passion for. Every hike I take I will take in memory of my brother. I know he’s always with me and I know he’s shining down on us all from Heaven.
I will never get to hear his voice again, but I have 6 years of amazing memories to clench onto. Thank God for those memories. There isn’t enough material items in this entire world that is worth those memories that no one can take from me. Praise God.
Thanks for reading. If you receive anything from this post please never leave a chance to tell someone you love them empty! You never know when it will be your last time. If you’re in the adoption triad please let my post ring true to your ears and understand that adoptees experience grief, trauma, loss, sadness, pain our entire lives. It never goes away. It’s a lifelong battle. Please don’t deny us the right to grieve our losses. This is why I’ve been grieving on my own my entire life, there was no place for it when I was growing up. I could go on forever, but I will stop here.
Well, I certainly can’t speak for all adoptees but I can speak for myself.
Mother’s Day & the days leading up to it, is a time of mourning for me.
How do you mourn what never was?
Just like mourning what was, I mourn what never was. But usually what was has some memories for someone to hang on to.
Mourning what never was is a much deeper grief & loss…
For me anyway…
I’m writing about it!
Remember I’m only speaking for myself.
To celebrate Mother’s Day is a difficult task not only for me but for many people on earth. Many people didn’t get the mother’s they deserved or maybe they did and their mother’s have passed away and left them feeling hallow and empty with a loss they might never recover from. We are each able to process our pain as we see fit.
Today I’m not drinking!
It’s a mixed bag for me. I’ve tried to celebrate the fact that I’m a mother and I hope and pray I have been a better mother to my kids than what I was given in that area. For many reasons I don’t feel like I have given my kids what they have deserved because how can I give them something I don’t have? Something that was never given to me?
Everyday, I try.
But parts of me are hollow inside.
I’m just floating through life doing the best I can with what I have.
I think most of us do that don’t we?
We make lemons out of lemonade and do the best we can with the cards we are dealt.
Deep down “Mother’s Day” is the 2nd most painful holiday aside from my “Birth Day”. From an adoptee perspective who was dealt a crap shot not only once in the mother area but twice I have nothing to celebrate on that day. If I’m completely honest I wish it never existed.
I hate it.
Oh I already said that didn’t I?
I just want it to be over!
Oh I have but because of Mother’s Day it never goes away!
It’s like digging up the dead!
I don’t have a happy picture to put on my Facebook profile of my “Mother” and I. I don’t have a happy story to tell. I am sharing my story here, and then I will be moving on with my life.
One day at a time.
One foot ahead of the other.
I will always have that aching piece inside of me yearning for MY MOTHER.
But she’s not coming back.
She’s nevercoming back.
“Why are you so negative?”
I’m just keeping it real!
This is my reality!
Inside my head every single day!
**Smile for the camera!**
**Smile for the world**
Everyday I cry inside wishing I had my mother.
Maybe I will write her a letter and let her know how her leaving has hurt me so.
“Look on the bright side”- The World Says So!
Oh, of course.
THE BRIGHT SIDE.
I am a mother to 3 amazing children.
They are my life.
THEY ARE THE REASON I’M ALIVE!
What an honor it is to be a mother to them!
Do you not understand how hard it is to be a mother when you never had a mother?
Does anyone ever think of that?
I hope I’m half the mother they deserve.
I will let them celebrate “ME” because that’s what I’m supposed to do.
I have some women in my life who are mother figures to me. I adore them to heaven and back again.
To participate in Writing Prompts all you have to do is be an adoptee and have the willingness to SHARE regarding your adoption experience in relation to the writing prompt.
There is no wright or wrong in what you share or don’t share.
The key is: SHARE! 🙂
Sharing is healing
This will be a weekly event in which the changing topic inspires adoptees to share stories, ideas, memories and as much or as little that comes to their mind regarding the topic and their adoption journeys.
Although the world can read and learn from us, I would like to save this space for adoptee only sharing.
This post was created for all the adoptees who might feel alone or isolated in how they feel and in their journeys. I am here to tell you that you are NOT alone and there are many of us who share similarities and commonalities. Our blogs are our “Safe Spaces” to share how it feels being adopted. We all deserve that safe space.
There is power in numbers…
“Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken” -Ecclesiastes 4:12 (NIV)
Writing is found to be very therapeutic so if you haven’t thought of sharing your story please consider it.
You matter and your story matters!
There’s an ARMY of your fellow adoptees out here available and ready to support you!
If you are an adoptee and you would like me to add your adoptee blog to this blog roll please leave it in the comment section or email it to email@example.com
Feel free to share this list on your blogs, in your online communities, anywhere. I’m not selfish. I did the work to compile this list, but it’s OUR list. If it will bind us all closer please SHARE IT! 😀