When I look in the mirror who do I see…

I think its safe to say that my whole life I never knew who I was, so when I looked in the mirror all I saw was someone that was lost, and didn’t have an identity because I didn’t have any idea who I looked like or who I was. This had some lifelong affects for me.

Now that I’m 37 years old, and I have completed my search and found my biological family I can tell you who I see when I look in the mirror. My birth father. We have some major similarities. When I see myself he is who I see. Everyday when I look in the mirror I think of him. Crazy how that works!

Now that my biological father has rejected me, it makes me sad to know that my own blood wants nothing to do with me. I don’t know if that’s something that I will just “Get over”.  But one thing I can rejoice on is now I know who I look like. I got to meet my biological father face to face two times. Some people go a lifetime never knowing, and never seeing the faces of those who created them. I don’t know what I would do if I never completed my puzzle. I know how I felt all those years not knowing, and now that I know who I am I feel at peace with that area. I’m so beyond thankful that God has made it all possible.

Now being able to talk about my feelings with being an adoptee I find it a healing tool and I feel like I have to share my adoption journey with others. God put these things in our lives for a reason, and we must share our experiences because I feel that’s what God intends for us all.

Of all the things I have been through, I am now learning that being given away at birth has had the most lifelong effects on me than anything else. When I started the healing process, I started working on feelings that went along with childhood sexual abuse brought on by a step brother. Then it went into being in abusive relationships my whole life, until I was 31.. Then I started working on my adoption and the issues I have had with being adopted. In the last 6-8 months I have been working on the root of some emotional issues I have carried around an entire lifetime, and I can honestly say I have never felt more FREE than I do today.  Who gets the credit? God. It’s as simple as that. He has given me the strength and courage to conquer each thing one by one. God has put certain people in my life to help me realize my true worth as well. Some situations harder than others, but each and every one I have learned so much from.

So now when I look in the mirror I know who I see. I love the person I am, and I know that no matter what happens in my life that my past is just that, my past. God doesn’t judge us by our past, so why should we judge ourselves or worry about what others think of us?

Who do you see when you look in the mirror?

A Letter To My Birth Mother

WRITING A LETTER TO MY BIRTH MOTHER

1.) Write a letter TO your birth mother about the possibility that you were deeply wounded when she disappeared from your life. (Again, names have been changed for privacy reasons)

Dear Eileen,

I’m writing you to let you know how you giving me up for adoption had an impact on my life in a negative way and the pain it has brought me sense you gave me away.

From the day I found out YOU gave me away, (I found out I was adopted when I was approx. 5 years old) I never stopped thinking about you. I dreamed about you, I fantasized about you day in and day out my whole life. I was never at peace growing up knowing I had another family out there somewhere. I needed to know who I was and where I came from. This caused me great pain and confusion in my childhood, juvenile life and on into my adult hood.

When I was little I had a feeling I was going to find you, or you were going to find me. I had dreams over and over running up and down the hallways at St. Francis hospital as a little girl, looking for you. That was the one place that I thought I might find you, because that was the last place we were together. I will never understand how you “LOVE” something then give it away. I would wake up, and I always remembered at that point it was just a dream. I also believed in my whole heart, that this was all just a big mistake. You would never give your child away, to be raised by strangers. Who would do that? This was just an accident, and you just had to be searching for me. I never gave up hope that I was going to see your face one day because then I could finally see who I looked like. You could hug me like I always dreamed you would.

I was never able to talk to my adopted parents about you. I was afraid they might get upset, or their feelings hurt. I never bonded with my adopted mom, and we have never gotten along. I felt like I was simply out of place my whole life, I never knew who I was. This caused me great pain, and frustration. This is great pain and frustration I had to keep silent, because there was no one to talk to about it. I acted out in many ways, because in my eyes I was taken from my mommy, even thoe I know you gave me away. I just wanted to be back with you.

I have never had a mother/daughter bond with anyone. This has been a great loss for me. It is very hard for me to create an emotional attachment with people, and when I do my guard is up 110%. This has caused me some huge relationship problems.

My birthdays have been horrible. Not one birthday goes by where I don’t get sad, and think about you. I always wonder if you are thinking about me on this day. I start to think about you more than usual about a week before my birthday. I cry when I’m alone and no one understands the sadness I have felt. I always wished you wanted to know me, like I always wanted to know you, but you didn’t.

When I finally found you when I was 21, I wrote you a poem. It was one of the best days of my life, yet one of the saddest. I finally made contact with you, but you hung up on me. It devastated me beyond measures.Now as a 37 year old woman, looking back I guess me finding you wasen’t what you wanted. It wasn’t what you dreamed about. Maybe me finding you was just too painful for you? Or you didn’t want to think about that time in your life. Whatever your reason, I’m sorry you felt that way. I’m thankful you spoke to me eventually, and we did get to meet a few times.

Do you remember me being by your bedside when you fell down the stairs and you were in a coma? I flew all the way to Iowa from Kentucky to see you because they were afraid you might die. I stayed 5 days, and prayed for you, held your hand. I even looked at your feet, because they look just like mine. Did you know I was there? I really never knew, because you never talked to me after that.

The next time I would see you was when you were laying in that casket, wearing the blue jean button up shirt with Christmas trees on it. You had your glasses on, and I remember your rings on your fingers. You really planned out your funeral to the tee. I was surprised about that. But one thing you forgot to mention was the other daughter you had and gave away. Did you forget? Or you just didn’t want to remember you had me? Not sure, but that hurt me a great deal. I felt totally out of place, as Joanna was listed as your only daughter in the obituarie and funeral brochure. I didn’t count for anything.

I wish I wasn’t so painful for you, because all I really wanted from you was a relationship. I’m really upset at the fact that you took the right away from my birth father to have a chance to even know me, or have a say so in you giving me up for adoption. I guess you didn’t think about his feelings at all did you? I know, I know. You said “He didn’t know anything about you, and he wouldn’t want too”. I remember you saying those words. I will never forget those words. I’ve tried to put myself in your shoes and the fact that I was conceived out of a drunken one night stand with a married man, who was much older and a close family friend is perhaps the reason you decided to give me up for adoption? You didn’t want the reminder of your bad choices?

Why did you continue to drink alcohol during the pregnancy? I know that was a different era, but I also know that you knew better than to drink alcohol while you were pregnant. What if you damaged me by doing that? I guess you didn’t care because you were giving me away, passing that “problem” onto a different family to have to deal with. How selfish of you. I’m really mad at you for that. You can’t tell me you loved me and you drank the entire pregnancy. That’s a lie. You also didn’t give me away because you loved me, you gave me away because you didn’t want to look at your mistake every day. Why didn’t you just have an abortion? I wish I knew the answer to that question. But then again, it doesn’t really matter now. The damage has been done.

Also, I’m sorry you didn’t know God like I know him. They talked about him at your funeral, but did you even know who he is? Joanna said he was never mentioned one time in her childhood or growing up. She never heard you talk about praying. I’m sorry for that. Sorry for you both. They said you were in heaven, but chances are you aren’t. If you didn’t know God at all, or have a relationship with him than I don’t think you are in heaven. This means I won’t be seeing you again. I’m okay with that. You have been on my mind for an entire lifetime and it’s time I say “Good Bye” to you, and the dreams, and the memories.

I will close this letter by saying I wish I was never adopted. I wish you never gave me away. But now it’s my job to learn how to cope all this pain being adopted has brought into my life, and share my journey with others.

I just wish you could have found it in your heart to send the letter you promised, and to hug me just one time. Why was that so hard?

Did you know the woman you gave me too wasn’t even capable of being a mother? Did you choose that?

Your daughter even thoe you gave me away,

Pamela