August is here.. Now what?

The “birth” day month has arrived.

I want to make a video for you all regarding this time of the year and how it feels being an adoptee celebrating this day and how it feels when the month is here.

I’ll be sure to share it as soon as it’s ready.

I’m okay right now. But the word ” A U G U S T ” is a word I hate. Kind of like mother, but that’s a whole different blog post.  But I’m trying to embrace it. I’m working on it. It’s a constant thought that never leaves my mind.

I’m working on a new life, and discovering a new me. I want the rest of my days to be the best of my days, but somehow I have to process this pain attached to this month and this day. Writing is always a huge help and releasing my feelings to the world is the most validation I’ve received regarding my adoption experience.

It works for me.

For now, I’m already fighting off the dark cloud that’s trying to take over that follows me all the way up to that dreaded day- August 13th.  My plan is to write as much as possible, stay busy and try to process my pain in a healthy way. Sharing my feelings with those who get it. – My fellow adoptees. I do have some celebrating to do this year, and I want to share that as well!

I’ve decided to propose my fellow adoptees to share their experiences and feelings about how they feel about their birthdays and their birthday months. I will then compile a blog post about it and share it with the world. This way it’s not just me and my story, it’s OUR STORY about how our birthdays make us feel, how we survive them and what helps us get through them. This will be validating to us all and I can’t wait to complete this project.  Find the original question

If you are an adoptee and you would like to share how your birthday makes you feel please comment on this thread or feel free to email me at pamelakaranova@gmail.com

Many blessings from me to you! Remember, healing comes from sharing untold feelings to find someone you trust and SHARE YOUR FEELINGS! You matter and your feelings matter! ❤

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Best Adoptee Blogs 2017

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Adoptee in Recovery

Adoptee in RecoveryPamela A. Karanova found out she was adopted when she was 5 years old. She spent 20 years searching for her biological parents. Her first post is an open letter to her birth mother, in which she describes dreaming of their blissful reunion and how that contrasted with reality. This soul-baring post lays the groundwork for the other content on her blog.
It’s an honor that I was a winner for a spot on healthline.com- Best Adoptee Blogs 2017 !!
Anytime something like this happens it’s a encouragement to me to KEEP SHARING! I’ve been gone from adoptee land for many months but I’m working on creating the balance between living the life I have missed out on living and also continuing to share my adoptee journey. Let me just be honest- I MADE IT AND I AM ALIVE!!!  I have so much to share about how I got to where I am. GOD GET’S THE GOLRY- AMEN!
CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FELLOW ADOPTEES WHO ALSO MADE THE LIST! YOU GUYS ROCK!
ADOPTEES: KEEP Sharing! If you haven’t already shared your story at How Does It Feel To Be Adopted? please send me a message!
This is what Healthline had to say:

“We’ve carefully selected these blogs because they are actively working to educate, inspire, and empower their readers with frequent updates and high-quality information. If you would like to tell us about a blog, nominate them by emailing us at bestblogs@healthline.com!

The state of Massachusetts passed the nation’s first adoption law in 1851. Since then, the rules and regulations — not to mention the cultural significance — of adoption have changed dramatically in the United States.

Today, roughly 135,000 children are adopted in the United States every year. Even though the term “adoption” carries less stigma than it did 40 or 50 years ago, many children who are adopted carry a litany of emotions as a result. While not all adoptees feel this way, many face feelings of abandonment and unworthiness that can persist for years, if not a lifetime.

Often the cultural narrative of adoption is told almost exclusively from the side of the adoptive parent — not the adoptees themselves. The blogs we’ve listed are changing that. They include a diverse range of voices shining a light on the issues, concerns, and experiences of the adoptee community.”

I am honored to be a recipient of this award and I am blessed to be a positive light and resource for the adoption community worldwide!

THANK YOU HEALTHLINE!

THIS IS AN HONOR! ❤

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Pamela Karanova

Walking Away…

I don’t think I’ve ever felt more “FREE” in my life.

 I’ve spent a lot of time lately walking away from people, places and things that no longer serve God’s purpose for my life. It’s an amazing time for sure!

I’m walking away. I’m moving forward. I’m letting go.  I’m leaving all those things behind that are no longer designed to benefit me or progress me in life. I must say things have changed drastically over the last few years but even more so the last few months.

GOD IS IN CONTROL.

I TRUST HIM!

I’ve learned I’m more content this way. I’m not so “Out there” trying to belong in places I will never fit in at. I spent so many years trying to fit in when God hasn’t designed me, (or YOU) to ever fit in. I’m happier on the outside far away from all the drama and craziness. That life is overrated in my humble opinion. I’ve seen a lot in my life. I’ve experienced so many highs and lows you wouldn’t even believe it all if I told you. One thing I know is I’m a survivor- ALL ADOPTEE’S ARE SURVIVORS! Even if we spend most of our lives feeling abandon & rejected the fact that we are alive is HUGE! We must give ourselves some credit when it’s due!

I’m going to start writing about my life from some other dynamics, not just an adoptee in recovery dynamic. I have other things to share like how it’s been being a single parent for 23+ years, what it was like being extremely involved in a church and then feeling like I had to walk away to protect my kids & more. I’ve seen how people can become co-dependent on the church so much they don’t even know who they are outside of the church. This was me for 4 years! I want to share what my life is like now that I’m not in a recovery program or ministry and how my recovery journey is at this point. I want to share how life is after pulling back from “Adoptee Land” for the last few months. I want to share what it’s like with all my kids adults now. I want to share how it is that I hear God in the midst of all of these transitions. Don’t think I’ve walked away without God by my side- He’s been with me the entire way!

For now, I will share that walking away for me is gaining peacefulness like I have ever known. The less people, places and things in my life the better. The smaller my circle the better. Life’s circumstances have made me this way and I don’t feel it’s a heartbreaking thing-I feel it’s a remarkable thing. It’s taken me awhile to get to this conclusion but trusting God has been key to keep my sanity.

Now it’s time I live my life and discover ME…

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Pamela Karanova

Adult Adoptee

Lexington, KY

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Learning to Dream Again

 

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All the way back to around 5 years old I was DREAMING about Finding my birth family.

My mind was so consumed with THIS. There was no room for regular dreaming. As a little girl I was obsessed with finding THEM. My birth mother, my birth father, any siblings I might have. MY FAMILY. My dreaming followed me everywhere I went. Fantasizing took over my mind. I thought about them morning, noon and night and I was in La-La Land more often than not.  Sometimes I would say it was more of a haunting than a dream. When people speak about dreams sometimes they are speaking of dreams in your sleep, or dreaming about particular things to happen in the future. It seems we don’t dream of the negative as dreams are usually more rounded with happy positive vibes. But this dreaming of my biological family never ended and it took the place of what a normal little girl would be dreaming of. I don’t even know what dreaming like a normal little girl looks like but what I do know is what other people share. This followed me to my pre-teen years and through my entire life.

From learning from others, little girls dream about what they want to do in life. Places they want to visit, who they want to be when they grow up. They dream about having kids and how many and what they want to name them. They dream about a husband, a wedding and where they want to live. They dream of goals, and make plans in their dreams of things they want to do in life.

I MISSED IT.

I never dreamed about anything other than my birth family, who they were, where they were and were then looking for me. Lord knows I was searching for them everywhere I went.

The other thing that took the place of DREAMS in my lifetime is PAIN. The pain I experienced in all my life from abandonment, rejection and trauma has taken over most of my days here on earth. Non-Adoptees would never understand THIS. They just can’t. But I know my fellow adoptees get it. I feel like I’ve missed SO MUCH in life because of the pain and the obsession of wondering, wishing, dreaming and searching…

The outcome of my experience has been a broken heart, or more so a shattered heart.  All the way around the search, reunion, and post reunion and back again.  From the dreams, hopes, fantasies, longing to know them has turned into sadness, loss, grief, and nothing but heartache. Does this change the fact that I searched? No, now at least I have my truth. While the first part of my life was obsessed with finding the truth, the last part has been sorting through the trauma of what the truth was. I will never regret searching. I’ve been working on healing for 4 years now, and stopped running to alcohol to numb the pain.

Reality hit me like a ton of bricks and smacked me right in the middle of my face.

4 years into healing I am learning all the dynamics of what I missed because I was left to process all of the above on my own. Just now at 42 years old trying to find a dream. Why? Because God says it’s time! I’m going to be honest.

I’m struggling.

How does someone start dreaming at 42? I’m praying about it. At this stage in my life, I really feel I’m only here to do what God has called me to do but I also know that he calls us to enjoy our lives, and live life to the fullest. Have fun and dream! Let me be clear, I enjoy my career, my amazing kids, and what I do in my life. But dreaming has been null and void. At this point I’ve started to navigate creating a bucket list. It’s really the only thing I’ve thought of over the last few years living in recovery. I have no dreams for myself, other than being a happy healthy mother for my kids, and future grand-kids. Living my life to make memories with them, which is something I never had in my life with my biological family.

Another thing that comes to my mind is the fact that without knowing my truth I didn’t know who I was as a person. I was clueless when I looked in the mirror as to what or who I was looking at. The truth, no matter how hard it was has helped me find ME. It’s given me the chance to see who I’m like, or who I’m not like rather. It’s helped me understand I’m working on being who GOD created me to be and it’s nothing like any of my biological or adoptive families. It’s like God. It seems I might be right where I need to be I suppose. I mean, it’s impossible to dream when you don’t even know who you are to form or focus on dreaming. Can I get an AMEN from my fellow adoptees?

I was asked in a training group for a job recently what country I would want to visit. Honestly I never thought about visiting any other country. My dreams only took me as far as finding my birth family, when shattered my dreaming stopped and was replaced with a shattered heart. So I made something up. I said “Hawaii”. Although I wouldn’t mind visiting Hawaii I really have never thought about it. I’ve been too busy sorting through adoptee mess.

635994013904870577-56153521_e9536de3b1175cb1602f1418a708b6c2My point in sharing this post is to ask my fellow adoptees if any of you can relate to this? And to share that at 42 years old God has guided me to pull back from navigating so many windows open in my life so I can figure out my dreams. He’s instructed me to close some windows so he can do some amazing things. Not only with my kids, but for me in my life. I’m not sure what it is yet. I honestly don’t even know what dreams I have at this stage in my life but as I listen to what God says I plan to figure it out.

Now that I’ve come full circle in my life, before search, after search and working on healing I’ve decided I need to start living life and living it more abundantly. John 10:10 says:

tapestry-of-truth-john-10-10-wall-and-home-scripture-lettering-quotes-images-stickers-decals-art-and-more-tot3644_28078762IT’S TIME WE START DREAMING!

Now for my bucket list. Here are some things I have so far.

  1. I will visit churches by taking road trips to visit them all over the U.S.A. Starting with Elevation Church in Charlotte, N.C.
  2. I will visit waterfalls in Kentucky.
  3. I will take my kids to Disney World in Orlando, Florida.
  4. I will write my memoir.
  5. I will go to the park and fly kites.
  6. I willclimb a tree again. [This was the #1 place I would dream about my birth mother]
  7. I will go camping with good people.
  8. I will go to Yogi Bear Park and stay with my kids. [Great childhood memory with my adoptive dad]
  9. I will take my kids to Gatlinburg, TN and stay in the cabins.
  10. I will visit Truittsville, KY which was founded by my ancestors. [ Located in Greenup, KY]
  11. I will visit Linda in Oregon. She’s a cousin I found via DNA. We’ve never met, YET!
  12. I WILL visit CANADA to see my friend, fellow adoptee & sister in Christ, Haley Radke! 😀

That’s about all I have so far. Hopefully as I move forward in my life I will think of more things I want to do. As for actual dreams, I really don’t have any but a bucket list is a start.

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3 of the Waterfalls I want to visit in KY.

I would like to ask my fellow adoptees if you’ve taken the time to dream for yourself? Has your adoption experience stood in the way of this? Have you found ways to work around it? Did you dream as a child? What were your dreams? Can you relate to any of this post?

Thanks for reflecting with me.

Many blessings from my dreaming to yours!

Pamela Karanova

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Passing A Blessing

Hi everyone,

I hope you are all doing well and the New Year is treating you right!

As some of you know I’ve decided to back away from much of “Adoption Land” and the “Adoptee Arena”. If you didn’t know I’m sorry. I’m not disappearing but I have found I have pull back on some areas of my life for my own sanity as I know many of my fellow adoptees can relate to making this move. From what I thought might be a temporary break has seemed to turn into more of a long term event.

In 2012 I created the “How Does It Feel To Be Adopted? community on Facebook.  In 4 years it’s grown to over 4000 “likes” and thousands of active adoptees. This page has reached adoptees all over the world. It’s been my honor to have been in touch with so many of you over the years, to build relationships with so many of you and to be a hopefully positive person for support.   Not long after Ask An Adoptee was created in a little over a year it has over 800 “Likes”. If you would like to know details about these pages please visit the “About” section of both. I had no idea how big both of these pages would get, but I knew they were helping people, specifically my fellow adoptees. They were created for you all, yet impacting the entire adoptee arena. Finally a safe space for us to share our feelings, where no one else from the adoption equation could tell us how to feel.

Over the last 4 years I’ve rode through the highs and lows of life, navigating through the valleys all while managing these pages on my own. I loved being able to come up with such a healing place for my fellow adoptees. I’ve grown in so many ways just by being able to read so many similarities and bond with so many fellow adoptees near and far. I have thoroughly enjoyed so much of this. For some time now I’ve struggled with healing in my own journey with so much of my life spread out all over the place. It was clear to me that I was doing to much.

As I’ve posted before Facebook has become a huge non-stop trigger to me and has for quiet some time. As an adopted person who had to move across the country just to provide my children with some normalcy, away from all “family” it’s sombering. It’s hard to see everyone post about holidays, mother’s day, father’s day, family reunions, etc. It adds salt to the very real wounds that are still present today. I’ve found Facebook to be a breeding place for fake relationships. I’m not saying I don’t have relationships with many of you. I’m saying I want real true genuine relationships in my life. Not those who think they know me, but have no idea what’s really going on in my life because they base knowing me by what I post on Facebook. I’ve just grown to dislike it in every way.  I deactivated my page a few months ago and I feel a HUGE weight lifted. We are all in control of our own lives. If something or someone isn’t serving is properly we must make changes to make things better. In recovery I’ve learned to avoid triggers. Being adopted, triggers are everywhere every day. Navigating what to “Let go of” vs. “What to work through” has been challenging at times. I know my fellow adoptees understand much of this.

I want to pick back up writing my memoir “Adoptee in Recovery- One Adoptees Journey from Heartbreak to Hope & Healing”. I have a story to tell and I want to share it with you all. This memoir will take readers on a journey of hope & healing, and focus on other areas of my life. I will still be managing the How Does It Feel To Be Adopted Website where adoptees will be sharing their stories with the world. I will still be blogging here on my page. I still have twitter although I have a new name. Feel free to follow me! @therealpwishes  I’m not totally dropping of the radar! Promise! 

If you haven’t shared your story yet, please visit the page! You deserve to be heard!

A few months ago I feel God has put it on my heart to release my Facebook like pages to someone else, and my time was up in managing them. I gave it 4 years, which is a long time. I have felt sad about it because I feel like I’m letting so many adoptees down. I feel guilty for this.  It’s either feeling guilty of letting my fellow adoptees down or the burden of carrying something God has clearly told me to let go of.  The voice of God is something I have to put ahead of all things, even my own feelings, needs and wants. My heart was set on finding someone to manage them, who had a heart like me but the question was: WHO WOULD WANT THIS TASK?

I began to pray about it.

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Well God seems to always have a plan! The key is to TRUST HIM to reveal and see us through. As I prayerfully awaited for God to move with this situation my fellow adoptee and sister in Christ Haley Radke reached out to me as she often does, to check in. She’s one of my favorite people on the earth! Over time we’ve built a special friendship and can relate to each other on so many levels. I would have never dreamed of asking her because she has her hands beyond full with her podcast AdopteesOn. My hope was to touch base with her and see if she had any ideas for me of who would be a good candidate to ask about taking over the pages.

After spending a little time talking to Haley I am here to announce to you today she has the willingness to manage the pages and take them over from here forward!  Can you say EXCITING??? What a blessing for this! I never would have thought she would be interested due to her previous commitments, not to mention she’s a mommy and a wife, and has a busy life of her own.

I wanted to share this with the page readers so they are aware of the change, and aware that the pages are in the amazing hands of my friend, sister in Christ, & fellow adoptee- HALEY RADKE!!!

Haley, the adoptee community welcome’s you and we are honored to transfer these pages to such a sweet, amazing, warm and caring person such as yourself. THANK YOU for having the willingness to fit this task in your busy life to keep the legacy of the pages going for your fellow adoptees. Healing is so important and I can’t wait to see what God is going to do through you while you use Him to manage these pages! You are AMAZING!

Thank you siSTAR! 

If anyone needs to reach me, feel free to tweet me, message me here or email: pamelakaranova@gmail.com 

Love & Blessings, 

Pamela Karanova

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Great Morning Midnight!

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Well, 2017 Has Arrived…

I’ve spent the last 2 hours watching Elevation Church Online.

The name of the sermon- “GOOD MORNING MIDNIGHT

 Hashtag for this event was #praiseparty16 

I had to share a little of my evening with you!

“The miracle of midnight is not that you just made it through 2016, ITS HOW YOU MADE IT THROUGH. IT’S THAT YOU MAKE SOMETHING OF IT! If you’ve come to a place where you’ve made it through a few midnight moments (dark moments), you see it coming and you wave at it. GOOD MORNING MIDNIGHT! Maybe we need to wave GOOD MORNING to our MIDNIGHT? Maybe the only difference between the two is how you choose to see it?”

– Pastor Furtick

Elevation Church.

WOW WOW WOW! 

Pastor Steven Furtick is ON FIRE!

3 Key points he shared:

Memorize-Mobilize-Maximize

I changed GOOD to GREAT in this blog post because good negates great! So why not say GREAT instead of GOOD?

Oh my gosh I absolutely love his preaching style! In my life I’ve experienced multiple pastors preach, and I’ve noticed some I can tune into and some are hard to tune into. I think this is similar for everyone. Well he’s ON POINT and I understood him 110%. This sermon was filled with fire! Fire meaning GOD’S GOODNESS & TRUTH! I’m so excited I was able to tune in!

Pastor Steven described MIDNIGHT as our dark times. He explained [which I agree with] that we run from the hustle and bustle of each day and when midnight hits, our head hits the pillow and all the background noise from LIFE comes flooding in. Many times our MIDNIGHT is filled with tough thoughts!  We all have a choice how we respond to these thoughts.

Over the last week or so, I’ve been reflecting on 2016. For some reason automatically I start thinking of all the bad things that happened, [ midnight? ] and moment after moment is highlighted in my mind. The sad, bad, negative, heartbreaking and depressing things. I’ll just be honest, lots of times my mind is plagued with these THINGS! Day in and day out. Pastor Steven mentioned how we can easily remember the bad things about someone as if our brains are stuck with that memory that plays over and over and over in our minds!

 MEMORIZEI started to think of my life. I have these negative thoughts, experiences and emotions MEMORIZED in my brain. Many of them go all the way back to my younger years. Some are new and fresh. They play over and over like a broken record. I will just admit, 99% of them are adoptee related. Adoptee grief, loss, trauma, abandonment, disconnect, etc, etc, etc. It’s like a mental torture over and over and over.

MASTER YOUR MEMORY! 

DON’T LET IT MASTER YOU!

“I’m not memorizing my pain this year! I’m making a movie this year but I’m skipping some scenes! It’s my memory & I’m remembering it WRONG! The way I respond has to do with the way I remember! First you have to MEMORIZE then you have to MOBILIZE! The magic isn’t what happens AT midnight! It’s what happens AFTER midnight!

NEW YEAR=NEW BEGINNING=NEW SITUATION!”

– Pastor Steven Furtick

MOBILIZE: Over the last year many things have happened. If I choose look at the entire piece of the pie, not just a piece of it there are many many things that are great that happened. Of course some not so great things happened. Sometimes I wonder how life would be if everything was perfect all the time and people never had any struggles. What good would that person be to the kingdom of God in being able to reach other’s that can relate to their situation? I know all bad things that have happened to me have added a layer of toughness and strength to my core being. I’m not easily shaken! I’m tough! I’m a fighter! I know this! If I hadn’t experienced anything in life I would blow over and fall down over the smallest things that come my way. With these storms, I’ve made the choice to mobilize moving forward as they come. I’m not gonna lie, some days it’s easier than others. Some days I can barely function in day to day living. Some days I feel stuck. Some days I feel HIGH ON LIFE! Naturally, of course!  

I have the choice to sit and wallow in my “midnight” [ hard times ] or I can tell my midnight’s; GOOD MORNING.

I fail. 

A LOT. 

But I’m trying here! 

“God’s going to use the very one that wounded you to heal your wounds and serve you dinner! Watch God work! WORK YOUR WINDOW! I’m coming out of this year! I have some battle scars! I made it! I’m coming into 2017 full of JOY & EXPECTATION!” – Pastor Furtick

MAXIMIZE: This sermon filled with wisdom and truth really helped me open my eyes and try to do my best to MAXIMIZE in all areas. What does this mean for me? Try to re-remember all the GREAT things God has done in my life this year! To try to remember all the hard times that God has brought me through. PRAISE HIM in His Goodness and when things aren’t going as planned. Try to find the blessing in all things, yet acknowledge my hurt and process it at the same time. Be TRUE to myself and share how I really feel with no holding back but also try to evaluate what my GOOD MORNING IS in ALL SITUATIONS.

I’m believing 2017 is going to be the best year yet! I’m claiming it not only for me, but I’m claiming it for you too! This doesn’t mean we won’t have any bad days. This doesn’t mean we won’t still have challenges in life.

 It means I’m going to do my best to re-examine my memories and make the choice to mobilize each of them and use them for maximizing God’s Glory. I plan to continue to share the TRUTH about where I have been and what God has brought me through!

My prayer for all my followers and fellow adoptees, friends and family near and far is that you have the blessed 2017 possible and you live your life filled with God’s greatness and trust HIM through all valleys of your life!

Happy New Year Everyone!

Love from me to YOU!

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A Wave of Uncertainty

I’ve always been petrified at the thought of things not being “CERTAIN”.

Uncertainty brings a gray area.

I like things to be black and white.

It either is or it isn’t!

Gray area’s and Pamela don’t work very well together.

Gray area’s bring me fear and anxiety.

OVERWHELMING SOMETIMES!

 Over gaining the control over MY LIFE, breaking FREE from what always was and how other people wanted me to be or not be I have gained this great feeling of controlling MY LIFE. I know many adoptees have control issues! I know I’m not alone.

But there is a problem with this.

How do I let God do what he does if I want to be in control of my life all the time?

Well…..

I must say I’m growing somewhere because at this point of my life I’m experiencing much uncertainty and I’m actually at peace about it! I truly believe this must be something God has planned, because normally I would be freaking out right now. I am not freaking out. Woot Woot!

It’s almost as if I’m on a magic carpet ride and God is directing my ride. I have always trusted God. People, not so much.

So now what? 

I’m praying more.

Journaling more.

Listening for God’s voice more.

Worshiping more. 

Reading the word more.

I honestly think this is why this “transition” in my life has not been as painful as it normally would have been.

Trusting God is the KEY! 

Amen,

Have a blessed day!

Pray for me and I’ll pray for you too!

Pamela Karanova.

Adoptee Healing Tools

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I’ve been on a healing journey for 5 years.

I should be DEAD right now! 

A good friend sang this song at church today, and it blew me away!

Listen Up. It’s for you too!

“You thought I was worth saving, You came and changed my life. You thought I was worth keeping, You cleaned me up inside. You thought I was to die for, So you sacrificed your life so I could be FREE, so I could be whole, so I could tell everyone I know!” -Anthony Brown

I’m telling everyone I know God get’s the GLORY!

Over that 5 year period little by little tools that have helped me heal have been brought to my attention. I have yet to find a place where  many of them are listed in one space for easy accessibility.

 What am I healing from?  Abandonment, rejection, grief, loss & trauma from my adoption experience and from LIFE. With little to no resources available for adoptees I was on my own in finding healing tools that would work for me.  I decided I would share the tools I have found to help me in hopes these tools can enlighten and help other adoptees somewhere out there.  I have come into contact with hundreds of adoptees all over the world who are seeking  HEALING & FREEDOM. I ask them all the time, “What has helped you heal?” Sadly most of the time I hear, “Nothing!” Some are completely hopeless but I am here to give you a message of HOPE.I find it takes HOURS for me to share all the resources and most of the time I never can share them ALL.  Now they are in one spot in hopes to sharing with MORE adoptees.

 I will share by stating the tool used and how it helped me. I will also share the link where you can find this information when applicable. Please share with your fellow adoptees and in your online communities. Please note I am not speaking for all adoptees as a whole. I say “Many of us” to eliminate categorizing all adoptees as having struggles. Some of us do and some don’t. It’s that simple. I’m sharing these healing tools for those adoptees that do struggle. I will also share, this is a lot. Please take your time and know that what has worked for me might not work for you.

To my fellow hurting adoptees-

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 This post is dedicated to you! ❤

We all deserve healing and freedom & Its available to each and every one of us!

I realize not all those who might read this will have the same spiritual Christian beliefs I do and that’s okay. I love you all the same.  ❤

Last but not least, if you are NOT an adoptee and you come across this page, feel free to apply these suggestions to any area of your life where applicable.These resources are definitely not limited to adoptees only. Please share with your communities because there are adopted people everywhere who could benefit. I know this is A LOT of information. Take baby steps. One at a time. Be easy on yourself.

Blessings & Love,

Pamela Karanova

Lexington, KY

  • First Thing First- You are STRONG! Please believe and know in your heart of hearts. I am here to tell you that YOU ARE STRONG. There is not one adoptee on the planet that isn’t a strong person. What we have experienced in life is nothing that a sissy could handle. IJS! I’m so serious about this. Write it down, put it all over your house. “I AM STRONG”. Repeat, Repeat, REPEAT. ❤ 🙂
  • You are NOT Alone!- I hear this from adoptees from almost every single one that crosses my path. I felt this way most of my life. I am here to tell you today that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. That is one of the enemys # 1 tactics to make people feel alone. Well it is a lie. John 10:10 says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it abundantly”. There are an army of adoptees out here to support you! You just hadn’t found them yet. We are here. We aren’t going anywhere. Please believe you are not alone. Start using hashtage #adoptee and you will see. We are here, and God is ALWAYS with you! ❤ Which brings me to my next point.
  •  God- God and His word have been the biggest and greatest healing tool I have yet to discover. He get’s the #1 spot in my world and he always will. This means I believe GOD is who He say’s He is, and He’s going to do what He said He was going to do. Why you might ask? Let me share a little of what it costs to me ME.  If you only knew all the places I’ve been in life. By looking at me now, YOU WOULD NEVER BELIEVE IT! I was abandoned by my birth mother when I was born, I was kept as her dirty little secret even from my own birth father. SHAME & REGRET I was raised in a home where I witnessed my adoptive mother trying to commit suicide in front of me multiple times. More Trauma She also tied us to chairs with dish towels, just to make us “behave”. Prescription pain pill addiction plagued this home. My adoptive mother had  manic depressive episodes and deep rooted depression that resulted in me being mother-less even when I was adopted. My needs were never met, I was her caretaker my entire life. Until I escaped in 2005. This resulted in feeling like the mother daughter bond was always broken, because it was. I had no security or safe place. I was stuck in this home with no way out. I was angry, rage filled as a teenager and many of my adult years. Sexually abused when I visited my adoptive dad every other weekend by a older step brother.  I was raped as a teenager. I ran away as a teenager, was in and out of alcohol and drug rehab, in group homes and learned very destructive patters at a very young age by being in the streets. I fought A LOT. Went to juvenile jail A LOT. I lost a baby at 15 because of the abusive relationship I was in. I was in many physically abusive relationships as an adult because I had no self love. I had a fractured chest bone, black eyes, a broken nose, stitches between my eyes, all from men.  As an adult I was in jail for assault for fighting,  I got a DUI and I was in the streets. I experimented with many drugs in my life, but alcohol was my thing.  That DUI cost me $355.00 a drink that night! I hated the world and everyone in it. I hurt people and people hurt me. I depended on alcohol to take all the pain away for 26 years of my life. Partying was the only escape for me.  [Only sharing because I want you to see I HAVE BEEN PLACES! DARK PLACES!]  BUT GOD- God saved me!  He has RESTORED ME! HEALED MY HURT! ERASED MY PAST! I live a brand new life now. 2 Cor 5:17 He wants the same for YOU! ❤ I’ve been living a SOBER LIFE on August 13, 2012.  I have made the choice to receive my Hope and Faith from God and the Holy Spirit and HIS WORD.  God has changed my life, forever!  I gave my life to Christ in 2009 and it was the best decision I have ever made. That was the first most important step. Many of us have baggage from past life’s hurts. It’s critical to HEAL those hurts, no matter what they are BEFORE we will ever be able to live the happy prosperous life God has for all of us! We can put a band-aid on it but that’s a temporary fix. It always creeps back. Healing takes HARD WORK and DEDICATION. You have to go THROUGH the pain again but God can help you do this. The only way to receive this help is by believing in Him and receiving Him today.  If you would like to receive Christ to live in your heart it’s the best decision you will have ever made. Healing and HOPE is possible. This is the ONLY way Healing is possible in my humble opinion. After this decision, God placed other tools, and resources available for me to work on my issues but receiving Him as my Lord & Savior is the #1 tool to move towards healing. It’s not about the religion, it’s about the RELATIONSHIP.

If you are interested in receiving Jesus Christ as your Lord and savior please reach out to me! Here is a helpful link with some great information in taking that very important step. Prayer of Salvation

  • God’s Word– The Bible has been an amazing tool for me in my healing process. I know I mentioned it above, but aside from my relationship with Jesus Christ the word of God is something I have stood on. It’s brought me great healing knowing that God knows my hurt, my pain and my tears. It gives me Faith and Hope that in His word he says we will all be healed and made whole AND he knows our pain. When we believe His word we must RECEIVE His word. This means everything in the Bible is true. I don’t know about you, but I’ve tried EVERYTHING this world has to offer to fill the void, ease the pain, numb my soul. Sex, drugs, alcohol, people, places and things; NOTHING has been  fulfilling aside from God and His word. The more you dive into the word, even when you don’t understand it the more you will begin to understand it. Here is a link to purchase a Bible that I have found to understand the best- The Message Version. The Message Bible The other GREAT thing, You can find this same version for FREE on the Bible App. Here is the link. The Bible App They even have audio! 🙂
  • Prayer- Prayer is simple. It’s communication with God. Sometimes pictures are painted where you have to pray a certain place and a certain way but God wants a relationship with you SO BAD, he will take prayer any way any time of day.  Prayer is very important. We must give God thanks through our prayers, share our hearts desires, what we are believing for and pray for others and our world. There really is no right or wrong way. Prayer has been a major healing tool for me and IT WORKS! Here is an article I found extremely helpful and it’s from the legendary Billy Graham. This will give you some more details on how to communicate with God. How Do I Talk To God?
  • Church Home- One of the most amazing healing tools I have found so far aside from the 3 listed above is my church. My church is a safe place for me. I am not a religious person, nor do I participate in any denomination. I believe religion separates and divides, that is not of God. IMHO My church is a place filled with love and most importantly God and the Holy Spirit. If you aren’t at a church where you have the presence of the Holy Spirit I am here to tell you that you are missing out on something more than wonderful! I don’t attend church for anyone other than God because I want to honor Him, and grow closer to Him and receive His word. I love my Pastor Marion Dalton and because of all His sermons I have finally been able to see things in a different light than what I ever have before. I am so thankful for my church and my pastor! If you don’t have a church home, I truly believe it will be an amazing healing place for you. It only takes some action on your part. I used to be one of the lukewarm Christians and I said, “Oh, I don’t need to go to church to have a relationship with God!” I am here to say it’s almost impossible to have a growing relationship with God and flourish in his Kingdom if we don’t find a church and attend and learn and grow. The Bible says the Church is the Bride of Christ so I KNOW the CHURCH is very important to God. We must go to honor Him and get planted so we can grow. The alternative is to become stagnant and not be rooted anywhere. When the crap hits the fan the devil will have a field day with us. So IMHO Church is extremely important and it’s a Hospital for the hurting people. IT IS A HEALING PLACE!  We’re ALL hurting people! ❤
  • Church Family- I know, I know.. All this churchy Christian advice. I promised I would tell you what has worked for me. ALL OF IT. So this is what has worked for me. These things have brought me healing. If you have never had a real true church family I promise you that you are really missing out. My church family is a VERY important part of my life and my kids lives. I promise I wouldn’t lie to you. I have spiritual mothers and father and spiritual brothers and sisters. They have been there when the crap hits the fan and came through when no one else was anywhere in sight. They have prayed relentlessly when crisis’s come and I have been able to build some of the most amazing life long relationships with them and that’s a GOD SEND. A church family is CRITICAL to healing. What’s your experience with a church family? Are you searching? What kind of church are you looking for?
  • Ask for Prayer from Spiritual Warriors & Elders in Your Church- It took me years to do this. I was living in a great deal of FEAR. I guess I liked living in the pain too much? I don’t know but finally when my misery outweighed my FEAR I reached out to my spiritual momma. Deanie Cinnamon prayed over me that the spirit of unwantedness & shame be removed from my body. I had to BELIEVE this prayer was going to work. I had to RECEIVE IT. And it worked. Another time I was expressing an agony about a situation regarding my adoptive mom. She prayed the spirit of TORMENT be removed from my body. I had to believe it and it worked! When I went forward to receive prayer from my pastor I had to BELIEVE IT AND RECEIVE IT. I had to go forward, God was not going to chase me down. I share this because God gives us tools in the Bible and we all have the availability to use these tools to help hurting people! We all have the choice to go find our spiritual warriors and spiritual family and ask them to pray for us! Healing is POSSIBLE to those who believe. I believed it and it’s brought me GREAT HEALING! It can do the same for you!
  • Praise & Worship- This might be way out of the field for some people, and that’s okay. Remember, I’m just sharing what has worked for me. I have my praise and worship music on 24/7 where ever I am at making the CHOICE to tune into the Holy Spirit.  It is never turned off. Every room I am in, driving my car and even at work I listen to my Spotify Praise & Worship Playlist. It keeps the enemy at bay and he doesn’t stand a chance at getting into my thoughts as much as he would otherwise. This is a HUGE part of my life. I even play it when I go to sleep at night. Keeps bad dreams away.  I promise you it has brought me LOTS of healing, and it works!
  • Willingness & Surrender- If you truly want to heal you will have the WILLINGNESS to do whatever it takes to embark on a journey of healing. You will have the willingness to say “Okay God, I can’t do this on my own and I need your HELP! I surrender!”. We must all have the willingness or healing is not possible. For me, my pain became so great that I was desperate to do whatever it took to heal. I didn’t want to live with a broken heart my whole life.  I didn’t want to be sad forever. I didn’t want to be angry. So I had the WILLINGNESS to do whatever God put in my path and I started asking for help. Then God put more tools in my life. In order to heal the pain we have to feel the pain. This is for every hurt, habit or hang-up in life. Are you ready for that? Is your misery that bad? Mine was! I am not ashamed. I needed HELP! Are you willing to do ANYTHING to heal? Is your pain that great?
  • Faith- What is Faith? “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” – Hebrews 11:1. Ephesians 2:8-9 makes it clear that faith is a gift from God, not because we deserve it, have earned it, or are worthy to have it. It is not from ourselves; it is from God. We must have Faith that God can and will heal our hurts. If we believe it we will receive it. If you are at a place with no faith, I am here to tell you I have faith for you and I will stand in the gap for you until you are at a place of Faith. I believe we can all receive God’s healing. But Faith is a pivotal step in this process. How’s your faith these days?
  • Forgiveness- This is a major healing part of our journeys. I was angry at my birth mother, my adoptive mother and I absolutely despised 99% of adoptive parents I came into contact with. I had a deep seeded resentment against them. Why? For many reasons I won’t get into here. See Adoptees, Why Are You So Angry?  for a look at why I and other adoptees might feel this way.  I’m being TRANSPARENT here because I know there are other adoptees that struggle with some if not all of these things. I HATED ADOPTION and THE ADOPTION INDUSTRY. I still struggle with much of this today.  Hey, I’m working on it and at least I can be transparent here.  I never said I was perfect, only moving daily towards making progress. I am in recovery and healing for the rest of my life. I do know forgiveness has been a HUGE key factor in my healing. WE HAVE TO FORGIVE! Have you read the links where unforgiveness and bitterness is linked to CANCER and SICKNESS?  Read This: The Deadly Consequences of Unforgiveness Not to mention the Bible commands us to forgive others as Christ has forgiven us. WE MUST FORGIVE. Here is an EXCELLENT and highly recommended article on Forgiveness and what it means.
  • Acceptance- Have you accepted LIFE on LIFE’S terms? When we can’t accept things for what they are, we don’t truly process the emotions that go along with whatever it is we need to accept.  In order to TRULY FEEL IT TO HEAL IT. I had to accept it. It HURT but this was a KEY STEP in my healing process. No matter what happened in the past I can’t change the fact that I was adopted, or anything else for that matter. I would give anything to be NOT adopted but that’s impossible. I spent most of my life HATING it and being ANGRY and still feel that way sometimes.But my hate was/is only hurting myself and I didn’t want to carry that burden anymore. Adoption is rooted and grounded in LOSS then comes GRIEF and TRAUMA. It happened. The sooner we can accept it is a part of our lives and there is NOTHING we can do to change it the sooner we can move forward to heal from the pain adoption has caused. This promotes healing. Where are you on this topic?
  • Putting it on the SHELF- What in the world could this mean? LOL Well… I have a analogy I use. When something comes my way and I have no control over it and I can’t change it I take it and I visually put it up on the shelf. I do this daily, sometimes hourly!  It’s an imaginary shelf don’t judge me!  but for whatever reason the visualization of doing this HELPS ME A LOT. Why a shelf? Well the shelf is me giving it to God. I put it up there, it never gets filled up but it keeps going higher and higher and higher. I put “things” on the shelf ALL THE TIME! Things meaning issues, people, hurt feelings, decisions I can’t make, things out of my control, other peoples problems, etc.  Maybe another analogy will work better for you? I needed an action step behind praying and giving things to God. This has been great healing for me. You should try it! Do whatever works for you? Kick it in the closet? Throw it out the window? Put it in the dresser drawer? We are not designed to carry burdens without God helping us. Giving things to God has helped me tremendously.
  • Turning Anger into Something Positive- Anger is a natural response to many things in life. Grief, Loss, Trauma, Hurt, Pain can all cause anger. If you are quick to label an adoptee as an “Angry Adoptee” please stop. Many of us are hurting and we don’t  know of the tools to heal or have resources available. Try being understanding and listening without judgement. You just might learn something. Many people think anger is a negative force, but I must share I believe it to be a negative force when we respond to anger in a negative way. We all have a choice on what we do with this emotion. It can be a very motivating force to create change, promote healing and to push towards goals and fixing problems in our lives. We must understand that anger isn’t always bad, as long as its used for a positive purpose. I was angery most of my life, and still do sometimes but I also never had anyone pouring into me trying to HELP ME use it for God’s glory. TODAY things are different. I had to pray and ask God to help me do something positive with this anger. Many things were birthed because of this prayer and step in my life. We must find out what God wants to do to turn our anger into something positive. It’s critical to our healing process.
  • DNA Testing- The next time someone says “What do you want for your birthday or Christmas?” tell them a DNA kit from Ancestry DNA. I am telling you so many adoptees are finding out so many truths with DNA testing. I highly recommend it and found this to be an amazing avenue towards healing. I lived my entire life not knowing my nationality. I never knew my medical history. I had no DNA connections to anyone.Getting my DNA tested provided me with the answers my heart always desired. After you get your DNA testing done, you can download your raw data and upload it to Promethease and obtain a genetic testing report for $5. That’s IT! $5 can get you answers you have waited your entire life for. This brings major healing to find out our truth.
  • Transparency- Being adoptees, many of us are groomed by society in general that we shouldn’t be sad or upset about our adoption experiences. Some of us are in denial.  For many of us, there is no room for our grief, loss and sadness. Deep down many of us feel a deep unshakable sadness and a longing to know who we are and where we come from. As we reach our adult lives, many things can trigger us. Some adoptees aren’t bothered a bit, and some like me are bothered a lot. I have seen all variations. Holding things in and not sharing how you really feel is not healthy at all. Honesty and transparency on how we feel is critical to the healing process. Jeremiah 6:14 says “You can’t heal a wound by saying it’s not there!” Please believe this is true. You are not alone in your feelings and being transparent is the ONLY way you will be able to heal.
  • Celebrate Recovery- Celebrate Recovery is the World’s leading Christ-centered Recovery Ministry and it’s designed to assist someone in overcoming life’s hurts, habits and hang-ups. This means abandonment, rejection, physical, sexual, emotional abuse, co-dependency, anger, rage, divorce, sexual issues, drugs, alcohol, control, self-esteem and any other issue big or small you can imagine. This means this ministry is an umbrella ministry that works miracles for everyone. I learned that abandonment, rejection and abuse of any kind are the root issues for peoples dysfunctional lifestyle habits and behaviors. For me, being adopted was one of my root sources of pain, alcohol use was just a symptom of that pain. The difference between Celebrate Recovery (CR) and many other recovery outlets available is CR names their higher power, Jesus Christ. CR is rooted and grounded in prayer. This ministry literally saved my life! It helped me with the tools I needed to be able to work on my issues and met me with love, compassion and acceptance and understanding. You can find a Celebrate Recovery ministry near you by clicking this link. Celebrate Recovery Locator
  • Blogging/Writing/Journaling- This has been a major healing tool for me and I hope and desire it will be a healing outlet for you as well. We all need a “Safe Place” to share our feelings on how it feels to be adopted. We need our OWN space. It can be a notebook, a private online blog, a public blog, writing a book or a memoir. I highly recommend blogging. What has blogging done for me? It’s created a healing place where I can read back in time and see how far I’ve grown. I can share it with other adoptees and they will know they aren’t alone. I will see I’m not alone. It’s a space where no one can tell me how to feel this is important to adoptees! and they can’t interrupt me. They can’t silence me with silencer statements. It’s a place of control for me which is another topic many adoptees struggle with. I can control all things that go in and out of my blog and what I share and don’t share. I actually use all 3 blogging, writing and journaling as healing tools. I recommend WordPress as a FREE online blogging source and it also has a wonderful APP that is easy to use from your cell phone. Templates are easy. Please consider setting up your own blog. I also have a blog/journal that’s my communication with God. This is one of my most healing and freeing places. WE MUST WRITE!  It’s a major healing source for many of us. See the Adoptee Blog Roll here on my page. I have listed over 6o adult adoptee bloggers and adding daily!  You aren’t alone!
  • Please Understand that If Someone Isn’t Adopted, They Don’t Understand Us- The quicker we can come to a place of acceptance of this the easier things will become. I remember back when I started my healing recovery journey. I was so frustrated that I would share my experience, pain, sadness, grief and loss and all I got from those around me was silencer statements like “Aren’t you thankful you weren’t aborted?” or “Aren’t you thankful she chose life?”. Adoptees understand this is adding insult to injury and avoiding the fact that we are TRYING to share a deep part of our lives but non-adoptees have no clue how they are hurting us. What’s a symptom of grief & loss? Anger, if the grief and loss aren’t acknowledged then it can come out in anger and rage.  That said; if someone isn’t adopted they can’t understand us because there are too many dynamics and without the experience it’s impossible.  Therapist that have years and years of training can’t truly understand us unless they are adopted. Adoptive parents or Birth Parents who “THINK” they know all there is to know about adoption can’t understand us. I am not saying they can’t TRY because there are some that TRY to sympathize and TRY to understand us. To fully understand us they would have to be one of us. I get great comfort in knowing that GOD understands us and knows our pain. It’s helped me be content with other’s not knowing or understanding. This brought me healing.  Most people (not all) honestly don’t know what to say to us. They have been groomed by society that adoption is a wonderful thing and sometimes it can be  but what they fail to acknowledge is that it is rooted and grounded in loss. Many non-adoptees don’t know what to say or what to do. People want us to feel better so without understanding they are hurting us further by not just listening, but offering unsolicited advice from a topic they simply can’t relate too they try to “FIX” us. I gave up many moons ago to try to get a non-adoptee to try to understand me UNLESS they are interested and WILLING to learn. There are very few! It’s sort of like me not knowing what its like to be divorced, because I have never been divorced. I have accepted this and forgiven them in advance. It was only hurting me to try to get them to understand, and acceptance they never possibly can has brought me healing.

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  • Back to the Womb Ministries-  OMG OMG OMG! I can’t even begin to express how AMAZING this healing exercise was for me! My spiritual momma Deanie Cinnamon came to my aide one day in 2015. I was in a state of misery. I was seriously suffering from a GREAT mother wound and a HUGE broken heart regarding my adoption experience. I had this huge feeling of wishing I was never born and being angry I was, wishing I was aborted. THE PAIN WAS THAT GREAT! I had a feeling of unwantedness attached to me that I was born with due to my birth mother not wanting me, rejecting the pregnancy and handing me over to strangers to raise. I lived with this most of my life. I obsessed with wondering if my birth mother ever held me when I was born, what was the room like that day and if she named me. I wondered if she cried or if she was happy to get it over with.  I know adoptees get it. Non-adoptees can’t possible understand. To them it’s just a “CHOICE” we choose to feel this way and ponder on the negative and past. In all honesty when traumas happen some people have to go through extensive therapy to work toward healing so until that happens for many people (not just adoptees) we feel like we are at a dead end and healing isn’t possible. Depression and Anxiety can set in ESPECIALLY when we don’t have any tools or the right ones that work for us. Nonetheless this HEALING TOOL was the most amazing experience. Ms. Deanie happened to get back from a training conference for 2 Hours to Freedom by Dr. Charles Kraft. She shared all the enlightening information with me about 2 Hours to Freedom and when I told her my feelings of the deep mother wound and I just couldn’t get out of this deep dark pit I was in she shared an exercise with me. This exercise is about 15 minutes long and I kid you not, after this exercise my life was changed! I don’t want to give it all away but I am sharing the link with you because hope and PRAY you are able to get the same healing as I did. Here is the link. Back to the Womb I also recommend purchasing Dr. Charles Krafts Books Here. He’s amazing and works a lot with healing. Please let me know if you watch the video and if it impacted you even a little bit. How did it make you feel? I will write about my experience soon in a blog post.
  • How Does It Feel To Be Adopted Community- I will never forget a moment in October 2012 where I was in a small group setting and it was the very first time in my life I spoke out loud about my birth mother. As I let the words “Birth Mother” come out of my mouth I immediately began to weep and cry. Before you know it snot was slinging and I was a hot mess. I had never shared with other people how it felt being adopted and my heart break for the loss of my birth mother. Before I could finish saying what I was going to say an adoptive mom interrupted me and said loudly “YOU DON’T KNOW ADOPTION LIKE I KNOW ADOPTION!” I was floored. I was not in any shape to battle or even discuss things any further. I shut down and never said another word. I left in tears. Distraught because it seemed to me all the equations in the adoption “triangle” seem to be able to share their voice EXCEPT the ADOPTEE. Our voice is silenced, shut down, and not welcomed and we are labeled “Angry” or “An adoptee that just had a “BAD EXPERIENCE“.We are treated like perpetual children in the world for many reasons. Although this experience was extremely difficult for me it sparked me to create a safe place for adoptees to share how it feels to be adopted.  This community has grown to close to 4000 “Likes” and its a very active online community. The unique thing about “How Does it Feel to Be Adopted” is that its a “ALL ADOPTEE COMMENTING ZONE” meaning adoptees are the only ones welcome to comment because we are the only ones who know how it feels to be adopted. The world can see and read our comments and how we feel which helps them LEARN from us, but they are no allowed to comment. This is the only setting I am aware of that is set up this way. It’s an open dialog for adoptees to ask other adoptees for support regarding certain topics regarding our adoptee journeys. It’s been a MAJOR source of healing and networking for adoptees all over the world. I know this because I have received countless amounts of messages, emails and communication with adoptees and they tell me how much this community means to them and how it’s helped them heal.  The more we band together with those who “Get It” the more we understand we aren’t alone. If you haven’t joined this community yet PLEASE do so today!
  • Share Your Story on the How Does It Feel To Be Adopted Blog- We have a blog just for YOU! I created this blog because there are places adoptees have to share their stories, but there are guidelines or some are turned away. I have felt many times that being turned away was rejection and I know that hits pretty hard for adoptees. I decided to create the How Does it Feel to Be Adopted? – Blog so no adoptee is turned away. Click that link and it will take you to the about section. You will find a few very minor guidelines and what I would need. The next step is to get to writing. Your story matters and you matter. This page is set up for YOU!
  • The Primal Wound- Understanding the Adopted Child by Nancy Newton Verrier- This book is a MUST READ for adoptees. Really anyone impacted by adoption in anyway will greatly benefit but especially adoptees. I will never forget reading this book and all the “Aha” moments I had  as I turned the pages. It was the first time in my life where everything finally made sense. It made so much sense I had to put the book back down and pick it back up many times because I was so overwhelmed in a good way. When you spend your entire life not even understanding all the dynamics yourself it is extremely moving to finally have some understanding and clarity. It brought me a HUGE amount of healing. You can purchase this book on Amazon for under $10 used here: The Primal Wound- Understanding the Adopted Child
  • Adoptee Books & Memoirs- As a suggestion consider making an investment in starting a collection of adoptee books and memoirs. I have done this and not only am I supporting my fellow adoptees but I am also reading each one, understanding and absorbing each one. Every single story I have read so far I can resonate with much of it. It helped me realize I’m not alone, I’m not crazy for feeling the way I do and it gave me a broader perspective of what many other adoptees experience, not just myself. Lots of healing doing this. Soon I will have Adoptee Books & Memoirs listed here.
  • Use Your Experience to Help Non-Adoptees Who Seek Advice from Adoptees at “Ask An Adoptee”– I created Ask An Adoptee after How Does it Feel to be Adopted.  This page was ignited because we have a small population of non-adoptees who WANT TO LEARN FROM US. What better way to use our pain than to help adoptive parents and birth parents understand our perspective? We separated the 2 pages because questions from non-adoptees can be triggering to some adoptees. To create a safe place for adoptees this is also an “All Adoptee Commenting Zone”. Please check it out and read the “About Section” to learn more. If you are a non-adoptee reading please feel free to inbox us your questions. We are here to help.  Sharing our feelings and offering support to those who need it is part of the healing process. Here is the link to this page.Ask An Adoptee
  • Therapy- I highly suggest therapy from a therapist who understands complicated grief, loss and trauma and disenfranchised grief. Reach out to Nancy Verrier and she’s quick to get back to you in reference to adoptee therapists in your area.
  • Find Someone Who Will Listen Without Silencing You- I have found that through my journey most people who aren’t adopted can’t understand it nor comprehend it so when we share about it they don’t know what to say. That said, the quickest way to get out of the conversation is to either shut us down and most the time they don’t even realize they are doing it or they change the subject, or use silencer statements. THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME! But we all need that ONE PERSON or that ONE FRIEND that will listen without judgement. I had to research “Active Listener” because I came to a place where I desperately  needed someone in my life who would JUST LISTEN! We don’t need anyone to try to FIX US. I’ve found many people listen with the intent to reply and we really need them to listen with the intent to learn. It’s so frustrating for adoptees because no one wants to talk about uncomfortable topics so we shut down and keep everything inside. When that happens we feel extreme feelings that are not good. Sadness, anger, rage, low self esteem because we feel we aren’t important and our pain doesn’t matter. Anxiety and depression can set it.  PLEASE TRY TO FIND THAT ONE PERSON, THAT ONE FRIEND that will let you SHARE your heart without judgement. Ask someone if they will be your accountability partner regarding this topic. Of course if you could find an adoptee you would be winning all the way across the board, but sometimes that’s not possible.
  • Twitter & Social Media- I have a list on my Twitter of over 500 Adoptees. Why? Because we MUST connect with those who understand us and can relate to our journeys    Click Here= 500+ Adoptee List  Every time I connect with another adoptee I am able to tell them”YOU AREN’T ALONE!” I was alone for most of my life in this journey and I don’t wish it on my worst enemy. The first adoptee I ever connected with online was Jessenia Arias You can find her on Twitter at @iamadopted I can’t even express how much it meant for me to find another living human being that GOT IT. She brought me out of my deep hidden shell and taught me it’s okay to feel the way I do. We all must do this for one another. Now, I am returning the Gift God has given me in finding Jessenia and reaching out to other adoptees all over the world. You can use hashtag #adoptee #adopted #adoption and connect with adoptees everywhere. You can find me on Instagram under @howdoesitfeeltobeadopted OR @pwishes. Social Media, especially Twitter are great places to connect with your fellow adoptees. Connecting with those who “Get It” is HEALING.
  • Start A Support Group- You notice I say “Start A Support Group” vs. “Find A Support Group”. This is because adoptee support groups are very rare to find. I have searched all over my area and there are none. I haven’t even found any in my state. We have got to change this. God has given me a vision and I am in the process of activating it. He told me over a year ago that I was not only going to have an online ministry reaching out to adoptees all over the world, I was going to reach out to them right here in my own community. Adoptees Connect-Lexington, KY is in the process of being rooted right here on my own comunity. You don’t need any qualifications to do it. Being adopted in itself is enough. You understand things that no one else understands. Read this over and over and consider starting an all adoptee support group in your city. If I can do it, so can you! I believe in you!

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  • Paul Sunderland- Lecture on Adoption & Addiction- This lecture blew me away when I first watched it and continues to do so each time. It is a major eye awakening video and a must see by everyone who is impacted by adoption. Learning is healing. Here is the lecture: Lecture on Adoption & Addiction
  • Searching for Birth Families- This can be a frightening process for some adoptees. I could go on forever about this topic, but I wanted to share that every single person on this earth deserves to know who they are and where they come from. There are resources available to HELP YOU search for FREE. Never EVER EVER pay ANYONE TO HELP YOU SEARCH! Not even any adoptees. There are FREE resources available. Please reach out to Priscilla Stone- Sharp on Facebook AND Join Search Squad on Facebook. I will get a link together for some more search resources because there are too many for this space. Never give up HOPE in finding your family. In order to heal we must know our TRUTH.
  • Understanding or Circumstances- I made the choice to start researching what birth mothers, first mothers went through in the baby scoop era and the years moving past it. WHY? Because I wanted to understand WHY? Why did my birth mother make this choice? Why did she reject me after meeting her? Many of us spend our entire lives living in the unknown and many of us never have been given the TRUTH as to WHY. By researching adoption as a whole I was able to gain a better understanding. I was able to put myself in my birth mothers shoes to have compassion for her and the decision she mad way back in 1974. The book The Girls Who Went Away was a wonderful healing tool for me. It takes you through countless stories of birth mothers and the era, and how they felt relinquishing their babies. Many were stolen. Another site I recommend is [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum Healing happens when we are able to understand better.
  • Adoptees On- My great friend, fellow adoptee AND sister in Christ Haley Radke started her very own podcast called Adoptees On. This podcast is truly a gift to the adoptee/adoption community. Consider reaching out to Haley and sharing your story. Also, listen to your fellow adoptees podcasts. Yours truly will be aired sometime in November. Remember, Sharing is healing. We must share our stories. Your story matters and you deserve to be heard.
  • Write Letters to Your Birth Parents- This is a great healing exercise. Some of us don’t even know who our birth parents are, yet this exercise can still bring us healing. Share in the letter how their decision has impacted you and how you feel about it. Share your feelings no matter what they are, good or bad. You can share this letter with an accountability person, a close friend or family member you trust or a therapist. Generally, most adoptees don’t send the letters but it does do wonders just to get the feelings off our chest. I wrote one to my birth mother years ago. The emotions were overwhelming but that’s a good thing. Remember, in order to heal it we must feel it.
  • Research Abandonment PTSD- Again, in order to heal I wanted to learn as much as possible of the impact on a baby when a mother leaves us. Please check both these articles out. I am sure there are many more. Abandonment from our birth mothers is a real live trauma. The more we understand it’s impacts the more we can heal. PTSD of Abandonment Part 1 AND PTSD of Abandonment Part 2 I’m positive there are more resources out there so RESEARCH Abandonment & PTSD! This is REAL for MANY ADOPTEES.
  • Research Attachment Theory & RAD-  Many adoptees experience both or one or the other. It’s pretty complicating but there are resources available to help you understand better and learn. Learning about these things can bring healing in understanding WHY we are the way we are.
  • Process Grief & Loss- I wrote a blog post about this one time. Here it is. Grief, Loss & Adoptees This is an extreme critical part of our healing process. The hardest part for many adoptees is society doesn’t acknowledge we should even go through this process. WHY? Because the world only has room for the glorifying adoption stories. The fact is, that we have lost A LOT. We ALL need to grieve those losses. What ever that looks like to you. Everyone is different. It’s a process and it doesn’t have a time frame. If someone lost a husband or a wife in a car wreck or to a horrible disease we wouldn’t tell them “Okay, it’s time you get over that and move on!”. But people say it to adoptees ALL THE TIME, or label us as dwelling on the past. Let me tell you something no one ever told me. We lost not one ENTIRE FAMILY but TWO. Our maternal side and our paternal side. THAT’S A LOT OF LOSS AND A LOT OF PEOPLE! Take your time, be easy on yourself and know that it’s all a process and things will get easier. But remember, WE HAVE TO FEEL IT IN ORDER TO HEAL IT. What has the healing process looked like  to me? Writing, Crying, Crying and more CRYING. Talking to those who care to listen, more writing and more crying. The key is not getting STUCK. The enemy has tried his hardest to keep me stuck but he’s a lier and I refuse to spend the rest of my life grieving my losses. It’s a PROCESS. I can’t say it enough. We move through it. Read my blog post I shared above. Research the grief and loss process. IT WILL HELP YOUR HEALING.
  • Identify Your Triggers- This is something I’m working on as we speak in therapy. Not just identifying them but working on them. This is a must. It’s better when we have a better understanding of all the things I have listed in this post. When we have an understanding of WHY we are the way we are, the triggers don’t seem so bad. We are actually NORMAL for having these triggers considering what we have experienced by being abandoned & rejected. Identifying triggers is a great part of the healing process, working on them brings more healing. I suggest this for everyone.
  • Get Involved in Adoptee Rights- Be an activist! We all deserve our OBC’s and we all should be on board for equal access for all adoptees all over to be able to have their OBC. Visit The American Adoption Congress and The Adoption ALARM Network to keep up to date with what’s going on. I know there are more sites out there. These just come to the top of my mind. GET INVOLVED. Use your pain for God’s GOOD.
  • Purchase Dr. Dan Siegel – The Developing Mind- Dan covers neurobiological reasons that early trauma affects our behavior, emotional responses, and neurological connections. It is hard for adoptees to know that we have suffered a trauma, when that trauma happened so early in our lives, and most of the world doesn’t recognize that trauma. This book was an eye opener for me. It also touched on nature vs. nurture topic. Please purchase a used copy for under $5 here. The Developing Mind- Dr. Dan Siegel. Understanding brings healing.
  • Adoption News & Events- This is a very informative page that shares national and international adoption news and events. It’s wonderful to get educated and learn all the things going on around the world on adoption. They share tons of helpful information. Please “Like” their Facebook page today. Adoption News & Events
  • Being Adopted is A Piece of Who We Are, But Not All Of It- Its so easy to get consumed with “Adoptee Land”. It’s critical to our healing, peace of mind and our overall happiness that we can pull away from our adoptee lives sometimes. Yes, we will always be adopted but God has also called us to LIVE LIFE and live it abundantly. We have to learn to be on our healing journey but also take time away for our families, for our selves and those close to us. I am 110% guilty and I’ve had to learn that adoption is just a piece of who I am, not all of me.Pulling away is sometimes a healthy thing and we must all do it.
  • Understand the Way You Feel is Normal for a Not Normal Situation- I remember the first time someone shared this with me, I was like “WOW!” So here I am sharing it with you. That’s right, being separated from our first families is NOT NORMAL. Our responses and how we feel are perfectly normal for experiencing such a trauma. Please believe this and be easy on yourself.
  • Purchase Baby’s Remember Birth- I remember hearing about this book and taking a leap of purchase. I was happy I did. I learned many things regarding being born and how babies store our memories in our subconscious memory and much more. I had a deep desire to put all the pieces together all the way back to before I was born. I wanted to learn everything possible about the mother and baby bonding and what happens when that bond is interrupted. Click here to order it used for $4.00 on Amazon. Baby’s Remember Birth by Dr. David Chamberland
  • Purchase The Secret Life of the Unborn Child- This book shares how mothers can give their babies wonderful lives in utero even before they are born. So what happens when our birth mothers mentally prepare to surrender the baby? When she mentally rejects the pregnancy? All of these things I wanted too research. I NEEDED TO KNOW all the details. This book helped me heal. I hope it helps you also. Click this link to purchase on Amazon used for $4. The Secret Life of the Unborn Child
  • Live Your Life- It’s so easy to get caught up in causes, our hurts, our pain. It’s easy to consume our lives with our struggles. I know first hand because I am in recovery and there is always work to be done on SELF! It’s a non stop journey of moving forward and improving ones self. I truly understand. I now look at my life as a pie. Why? Because I view my adoption experience as just a piece of the pie. For MANY years it was the entire pie. Why? Because I was in deep grief and loss processing through things I had never even touched before. That was a GOOD thing to go THROUGH it because remember we have to feel it to heal it. Do you see the letter “through” is KEY! I spent 4 years in that process and it’s 4 years I can never get back. I don’t regret it, WE ALL NEED TO DO IT in some form or fashion. It might take you 3 weeks but it took me 4 years. But God, he has shared with me recently that he’s ready for me to LIVE MY LIFE HE HAD INTENDED FOR ME ALL ALONG. The life he has intended for each of us. I will always be in recovery. I will always be healing. But it’s time for me to MOVE FORWARD and KEEP MOVING FORWARD. My Pastor & Spiritual Father Marion Dalton confirmed what God had put on my heart about a month ago. I went up to the altar for prayer and he prayed over me. He said many things but one of the things that stood out the most was, “God said the next PATH of your life is going to be NOTHING like the first part. NOTHING! It’s going to be a much easier path!” At that moment God gave me a vision of a beautiful path. This path was long and each side was filled with beautiful flowers in a bunch of greenery. Colors and green everywhere. It was the most beautiful thing I ever saw. I could see it very vivid. He continued to pray “YOUR BREAKING GENERATIONAL CURSES FROM FAMILY YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW!!!!” It was AMAZING at the word I got that night. I am sharing this with you because 1 week after this prayer I went to a park, on a walk. I turned the corner and you will never believe what I saw….

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Unbelievable because this is the exact path I saw in the vision God gave me. SO at this point I have 2 choices. I receive the word or I reject it. WHO WOULD REJECT SUCH A GREAT GOD GIVEN WORD? Not me. Living 42 years with pain, agony, sadness, depression, fear, anger, hate and unwantedness from LIFE and ADOPTION, I am here to tell you I am ready to move forward with my life. I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE and ENJOY the GIFT GOD HAS GIVEN ME IN MY LIFE. No person reading this is excluded from receiving the great Gift God has for you. Reach out to me. It’s time to go LIVE YOUR LIFE.

 I LOVE YOU! ❤

Please come back and share with me what has worked for you and what is familiar to you about these tools. Have any of them helped you?

Adoptee, Addicted to Simplicity

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The older I get the more God has brought many things to my attention that the things of the world that excite most people have no waver on exciting me.

Not in this lifetime anyway.

Sometimes I feel like something is wrong with me…

If I could pay for peace of mind regarding my adoption experience do you know I would set up a payment plan and pay it off until my dying days?

Unfortunately, we all know this is a silly thought to have but truth is if there was anything on earth I would love to pay for this would be it! Can you imagine the investment we could all make in our own lives?

The fact of the matter is, when I am 41 years old STILL trying to figure out the truth, still seeking answers, still FIGHTING to seek solace and peace regarding this experience it is one of my biggest goals in life, is to feel peace about being adopted. Sadly, I still don’t have much of my truth yet and have recently found some of what I was told was lies.

When I have spent 41 years fighting for the truth, it seems it has over powered SO MUCH OF MY LIFE that I still have yet to really enjoy LIVING!

I mean how can we live when we are still trying to figure out who we are and where we come from?

I can speak from my experience only, that this life has caused me to REALLY appreciate the SIMPLE THINGS IN LIFE that so many people can take for granted.

I follow an adoptive parent on social media and one weekend she spent the entire weekend taking photos of old knickknacks she had around her house that she had collected from her parents, grandparents and great grandparents. It struck a chord with me because I wondered if she knew how valuable even one of those things would be to her adopted children if it was something from their biological families? Did she know most all adoptees are robbed of this simple gift most all non-adoptees get to take part in? Again, it’s not the material value, it’s the sentimental value that each of these things holds.

I can speak for myself that I have nothing from either of my biological families. I have nothing tangible that has no material value or anything that has sentimental value. Pictures mean the WORLD to me, but I have very few of them of my biological family, although I am grateful for the ones I have. So many of my fellow adoptees have none! Letters mean the world to me, but I don’t have any from my biological family. They promised they would write but they never delivered.

Let me also share MEMORIES hold a special place in my heart. I know most people who haven’t been adopted can’t have such an appreciation for memories that I have. The memories lost forever that can never be replaced cause me more sadness than anyone can ever imagine. And I’m sorry; I can’t just get over it and move on. Every time I see someone on social media post pictures with their biological family whether it be grandparents, parents, siblings or whoever it is a trigger for many of us. It is a reminder that we are somewhere between here and there and those memories are lost forever. While most people are grieving long lost family members when they pass, they have memories to cling onto. Not the adoptee. We have deep sadness because we WISH we had those memories.

This has added to me as a person, because my primary love language is QUALITY TIME. My least favorite love language is GIFTS. I think this is a gift in itself because most people that know me know I’m one of the most genuine sincere people they will ever meet. I most definitely won’t use you for your money, and I am clear about what makes me tick.

QUALITY TIME WITH THOSE I LOVE. TALKING TO THOSE I LOVE. MAKING MEMORIES WITH THOSE I LOVE. TAKING PICTURES WITH THOSE I LOVE. – It’s that simple for me!

One of my biggest desires in life is…

THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH AND THIS IS SOMETHING I AM STILL FIGHTING FOR.  MOST PEOPLE DESIRE THINGS OF THE WORLD. THAT IS WHAT MAKES THEM HAPPY. Nicer cars, nicer houses, nicer electronics, nicer clothes, promotions on their jobs, newer clothes, shoes, watches, and the list could go on. I WOULD SIMPLY BE HAPPY AND BE ABLE TO MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE IF I HAD ALL THE TRUTH TO MY HISTORY!

I could find myself just as happy living in a one room efficiency apartment as I would a huge 8 bedroom mansion.

WHY?

Because the things I desire money can’t buy!

The sweet gift of being an adoptee who keeps things simple and who enjoys the simplicity life brings is a different aspect that most non-adoptees can’t embrace. I consider that part of this life as a GIFT. I don’t have credit cards. I don’t usually make impulsive decisions with money. I get the same happiness from 1 shirt at Goodwill as I do 1 shirt from Macys. My kids make fun of me, but I don’t care. I am the most humble frugal spirited anyone will ever meet because the most important and valuable things that I could have, that most take for granted have been taken from me.

I haven’t given up on receiving these things. I still have hope!

For my Christian friends who might be reading, yes I believe Jesus paid it ALL! But I also know God wants me to have my truth, and once I obtain the ENTIRE TRUTH regarding my adoption experience I will have that Jesus peace about my entire adoption experience. Today I have Jesus peace in most areas of my life! This just happens to be the area shaded with secrecy and lies. Let’s face it, we can’t give it to JESUS unless we know what we are giving to Him! It’s kinda hard to hand him a question mark??!!! Have you ever thought about that? You can’t possibly thing I would be choosing heartache and pain for peace of mind if it were that simple? God is TRUTH and I know he wants ALL ADOPTEES TO HAVE THEIR TRUTH! Why are so many people in adoption standing in the way and supporting half truths?

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While I continue on my journey of seeking my TRUTH, I enjoy things that are free. Being outside, being alone with God, listening to worship music, reading my bible, writing, journaling, blogging and reaching out to my fellow adoptees, supporting them in their journeys, being on board for adoptee rights. I enjoy helping hurting people, I enjoy the sky and going to coffee shops, parks, thrift shops, garage sales, bon fires. I love eliminating all negative and toxic people, places and things out of my life. I love plants and colors. I love that I can control that aspect of my life, when so much has been uncontrollable. I love growing in my relationship with God, and my church family. I love spending time with my kids, and my adoptive family who I have relationships with. I love my career of caring for elderly, and find it a major gift in my life. So you see there is more to me than being adopted but this is what God has called me to write about so my fellow adoptees know they aren’t alone like I once felt.

If anyone comes into my life and tries to disrupt the peace I do have I have no choice to eliminate them. Because I have no time for relationships or people who do nothing but drain the life out of me. It’s taken me 41 years to get to be where I am. By God’s grace I am able to see the beauty in so many areas but I am still fighting for my TRUTH! I have no time or energy for toxic people! 

I’m wondering if any of my fellow adoptees can relate to anything I have shared in this post. What brings you happiness? What brings you peace of mind? What are you fighting for most people would take for granted?

Thanks for reading and for all your support! ❤

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