Baby cries, little girl cries, grown woman cries.
It’s always been a secret and it’s not safe with anyone.
It was always tucked so far down inside. I’m talking about the pain of adoption and how it festered and manifested in my life in ways that non-adoptees can’t even comprehend.
The realities for me have always been that my feelings weren’t welcomed growing up or for most of my adult life. My greatest heartbreak was a couples biggest blessing. In my advocacy and experience in networking with hundreds of adoptees all over the world, it’s not just me and my “bad adoption experience”. You can take it or leave it, but it’s been the majority of most of us who have felt this way. If you are one of the adoptees who doesn’t agree, I respect your views, but I would like to ask, “How many adult adoptees have you gotten to know one on one and how many stories have you listened to in your life?”
Can you imagine living your life with pain so big, yet there was no one to share it with? No one wanted to hear your heart. Imagine if your biggest pain was celebrated by the world… Can you even imagine that? Imagine that your pain was irrelevant, so your suffering became evident. Imagine being born as an “Adopted Child” and being 44 years old still being treated as that same “Adopted Child”.
I’m not a child.
Imagine never being allowed to tap into the feelings hidden deep inside, because you don’t even have the language to express these cries. Our world glorifies the secrets and lies that are the root of my cries.
There has never been a place for me here on this earth. Those who promote, glorify and celebrate adoption haven’t given me that option.
January 2018 everything changed for me. Adoptees Connect was birthed out of a vision that God gave me and this vision to create a community of adult adoptees who gather together in real life to support one another, encourage one another and lift one another up RIGHT WHERE WE ARE AT IN LIFE.
It was evident to me that all adult adoptees needed a safe space and if we were going to have something like this we were going to have to be the one’s to create it.
This world has failed us miserably, so I ask if you are reading this have you looked in the mirror lately? What part have you played in this?
Silence? You have nothing to say? That’s exactly why adoption is corrupt even to this day. We all have a choice to pick and choose what we advocate for, but my days of being silent have gone out the door. I know too much, I’ve seen too much, and my experience weighs too much. I owe it to me, and my fellow adoptees to shine my light and shine it bright.
Adoption, I’m not a little girl anymore.
Do you hear me?
Once upon a time you kept me silent, you made a mess of me from the inside out but today I’m taking it all back without a doubt. Step by step, day by day someone is going to listen to what I have to say. You can tune me out but I’m not going anywhere, and I’ve committed to myself and my community and I’ll continue to share.
I’m not hiding my pain anymore because it has a place in this world. It’s my motivation behind the calling God has on my life.
My prayer is that all my fellow adoptees who feel alone, defeated and isolated please remember you are never alone. Please believe that the way you feel is NORMAL for a not normal situation. ADOPTION IS NOT NORMAL. There is nothing wrong with you. What is wrong is the world that refuses to acknowledge your pain and meet you in the middle space of your heartache.
NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU!
NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU!
NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU!
You are not bad, and you did nothing to deserve this. You have many reasons to be sad. I’ve made it my life’s mission to meet my fellow adoptees in their sadness, because giving a voice to our sadness, grief and loss is just as important as our happiness.
Yes, we all want happiness but until we uncover our sadness that’s deep down it will fester and manifest. Healing can happen, but we must meet people in the hurt and pain they carry. That’s a huge step of the healing process and without it happiness won’t be gained. So, when someone is sharing a painful experience please listen and learn from them. We all deserve the freedom that comes from being important enough that someone cares enough to listen to our hearts, especially the painful pieces.
Through Adoptees Connect, I’m committed to meeting adoptees in the places where the world rejects them. We need one another and our stories matter. Or cries will be heard and hopefully you can be encouraged by this word. I have so many things on my heart to share but time is of the essence. I’ve finally found that this world has a place for me in finding purpose in my pain. My hidden tears will not go in vein.
I’m going to try to write more but always know I’m never very far. If you need a lifeline, REACH OUT TO ME! If you are thinking about planting an Adoptees Connect group in your city REACH OUT TO ME!
No More Hidden Tears!
I love you!
You are NOT Alone!
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p. karanova
Pamela A. Karanova 
Pamela,
Thank you for your continued courage and for sharing the truth of yourself. I’ve been living with the same secret. Thank you for feeling safe enough to share it with me. And thank you for trusting me with your narrative.
Living my life with “pain so big” caused me to dislocate (To throw into confusion or disorder; disrupt). This made it very difficult for me to trust other, build healthy relationships, and develop a healthy sense of self. This created deep experiences of shame, which led to even deeper shame-based counter-identifications telling me that I didn’t need anybody to survive. And the spiral went around and around for decades.
And it took me a very long time to believe that nothing is wrong with me. The life-long gift of disruption in attachment and attunement, however, means I can still be triggered and feel unsafe when judged harshly or falsely accused. IO, too, will need to keep working on it.
The difference today is that I don;t have to go it alone and and have found a community that I can trust to help me work through these issues of existential angst. Thank you for continuing to provide that forum, and thank you for continuing to investigate and courageously share your truth.
Fond Regards,
David B. Bohl
Fellow Adoptee
Hi David,
You are more than welcome and thank you so much for your kind words! It’s always an honor to know that the pain is being used for something good.
I can so relate to the shame aspect and counter-identifications telling you you didn’t need anyone to survive.. MAN! It’s so tough! I’m experiencing that now and it’s a tough one to break out of. I’ve shared before and might write about it again soon, about me being the only person I could ever depend on in life. Every single other person let me down, so breaking out of trusting someone enough to let them in isn’t always an easy thing for us. How did you come out of that? I’m sure it’s no switch to flip, but anything you can share to help me? I know it’s all a process… I’ve been riding SOLO for so long I really don’t know how to do anything else.
So glad you are at a place where you believe nothing is wrong with you! Like you, I’m at that place but it does try to creep it’s ugly head sometimes and come out in different ways. What a paradox this adoptee thing is!
I’m so glad we are in this TOGETHER and you are right, no more aloneness. You and my fellow adotpees who I’ve connected with have been my lifelines when I didn’t feel I even wanted to continue on. I’m so thankful for you and your memoir changed my life! We must keep sharing and moving this thing forward. TOGETHER! 🙂
Many Blessings!
PK
Reblogged this on Experience Courage © and commented:
No more hiding. We are here and we have each other.
Love your post. I am a mother of a child who experiences that pain. I am a mother who also has felt the pain. I am an adoption professional who makes sure pre and post- adoptive family members (birth and adoptive parents, siblings, extended members and their communities) know it is OK to question. It is ok to feel sad. It is ok to respond honestly. It is all normal. So, thank you for developing this platform.
Thank you for writing this, we all need to make the rest of the world aware of what adoption is really about.This can only be accomplished if more adoptees and birthmothers speak out. I am a birthmother who lived in shame when my family found out that I had a baby without the “blessed certificate of marriage”. Shame, shame. I searched and found. I reached out and found two marvelous groups one online another here in the Bay Area. One group was started by Birthmother’s another by Adoptees.It is a bit of comfort to be able to speak with those who knowand can identify with your pain and not hear “okay it’s time to move on”. I am 83 years young and although the hurt has diminished it is still there. Once again I thank you.
Hi there,
I’m a 44 year old woman from the UK who has finally realised that the multitude of problems that i’ve had with my mental health and relationships is all connected to adoption trauma. I’ve never fitted in anywhere and drifted around from place to place, person to person, like a ghost, never really belonging or feeling settled. My excuse for my drifting was me saying “I’m a free spirit” when i really meant “I’m a broken spirit, but i don’t know what’s wrong”
This week i’ve joined this forum http://adultadopteesupport.org/ and taken the plunge into seeking answers, help and a sense of belonging. I have only read your first blog entry, but already i know that my life will be written and explained in mostly all of your entries.
I look for some peace and some solace in my life. I am so so tired of not being ‘ok’
Thank you so much for writing the words that my heart cannot express.
Much love Susan