You Don’t Own Me Just Because I’m Adopted

Adoptees are different and we come with special needs.

I can’t speak for every single adoptee, but I feel safe saying I know MANY adoptees all over the world and I know for certain many of us are offended and hurt when adoptive parents refer to us as “MINE“.

“She was placed in our home and raised by us and we are her REAL PARENTS! We might not share her DNA but she is OURS!” – Adoptive Parent.

Where does this attitude come from? It sends chills all through my body to hear this type of language from adoptive parents, not to mention having my own experience with it.

Let me share a little of my experience with this possessiveness from my adoptive mother.  I didn’t understand the dynamics as a child but as an adult I see how controlling and manipulative it was and how it impacted me. My adoptive mom would say things like “You’re MY daughter!” but put emphasis on the MY.  She said over and over “Your life is MY LIFE because I’m your mother!”

First of all, we are NOT a piece of property and many of us take offense to this because of the dynamics of adoption and how we came to be in our adoptive families to begin with. Let’s be honest, most of the time THERE WAS A CASH TRANSACTION. We were PAID FOR! Someone made some money off us being adopted. When adoptive parents use terms that refer to them having “Ownership” over us honestly it makes me feel totally disrespected, almost as if I am some form of modern day slavery.  I feel like I’m not even a live person. It’s disgusting and I honestly needed to share my feelings about it because it needs to STOP. I’m not saying all adoptive parents are meaning to come off this way, I am saying this is how many adoptees interpret it.

Please take note and consider changing the language you use towards us and while referring to us regarding adoption.

We are no more YOUR CHILD than we are our birth parents. Our birth parents will always be a part of us no matter what the circumstances, and no words of ownership can put any different spin on this. These are the facts. Take it or leave it. For whatever reason they are not raising us and we are adopted doesn’t change the fact that we have 2 mothers and 2 fathers.


Please stop using words of ownership regarding adoptees, it hurts us. We are our own person and we are tired of being treated like perpetual children. If you adopted us,  we know who you are. We know you took us in when our own families didn’t want us but you don’t own us.

Please stop acting like you do.




9 thoughts on “You Don’t Own Me Just Because I’m Adopted

    1. Lisa,

      How heartbreaking! Total disregard for you as a human being and a person with real feelings. I have had contact with many LDA’S (late discovery adoptees) who are so brokenhearted from the lies and secrecy from those who should love them most.

      I simply just can’t even go there because I fill with anger and rage that our “parents” teach us to tell the truth but adoption is the exception to the rule…. So sorry that happened to you! ❤


  1. This is garbage. I’m an adoptee, 45 years old and my daughter is adopted and we have never felt “owned”. Clearly there is a disconnect with your family that makes you feel this way and that is tragic. But to say that most do feel this way is incorrect. Most of us don’t. We live our lives as family members and have never been thought of as property or been opposed to our parents stating we were their children. Many of us are proud to be part of the families we have been in and wouldn’t change a thing. I know who my bio mother is and I’m thrilled to know this is the life I got instead. Before you go telling folks who know little about adoption you should think about how you portray it. 😡


    1. Hi Robyn, Thank you for sharing your heart here. I’m glad you have never felt this way and your adopted daughter hasn’t either. That’s a blessing.

      I will share I always think long and hard about what I write, before I write it. I’m in contact with hundreds of adoptees all over the world and have close relationships with many of them. Sadly, from my experience networking with such a huge platform of adoptees my statement still stands that many adoptees do feel this way. I’ve never stated all adoptees feel this way. But from my experience more adoptees feel this way than those that don’t. Again my adoptee community is huge! My apologies to you if that’s something you aren’t willing to hear or acknowledge. I won’t sway on my reason for writing this post, nor will I sway on what I shared in it.


  2. Thank you so much for this heartfelt and honest account that I also know too much about. Blessings to those who have felt loved and cherished in their adoptive homes – but there are an awful lot of us who were spoken down to just as you describe. My adoptive parents treated me and my 2 adopted siblings as if we were their property. My adoptive father would often say to me, “I sometimes wonder if you deserve anything.” They lived on a huge piece of land with a huge lawn. We spent every weekend of the spring and summer mowing that lawn, and in the fall had to rake up all the pine needles of the grass (because they kill the grass). I left home at age 17 and got so much satisfaction when they had to sell that property because they could no longer maintain it, or rather, they did not have we 3 boys to maintain it for them.

    Liked by 1 person

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