Learning to Dream Again

 

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All the way back to around 5 years old I was DREAMING about Finding my birth family.

My mind was so consumed with THIS. There was no room for regular dreaming. As a little girl I was obsessed with finding THEM. My birth mother, my birth father, any siblings I might have. MY FAMILY. My dreaming followed me everywhere I went. Fantasizing took over my mind. I thought about them morning, noon and night and I was in La-La Land more often than not.  Sometimes I would say it was more of a haunting than a dream. When people speak about dreams sometimes they are speaking of dreams in your sleep, or dreaming about particular things to happen in the future. It seems we don’t dream of the negative as dreams are usually more rounded with happy positive vibes. But this dreaming of my biological family never ended and it took the place of what a normal little girl would be dreaming of. I don’t even know what dreaming like a normal little girl looks like but what I do know is what other people share. This followed me to my pre-teen years and through my entire life.

From learning from others, little girls dream about what they want to do in life. Places they want to visit, who they want to be when they grow up. They dream about having kids and how many and what they want to name them. They dream about a husband, a wedding and where they want to live. They dream of goals, and make plans in their dreams of things they want to do in life.

I MISSED IT.

I never dreamed about anything other than my birth family, who they were, where they were and were then looking for me. Lord knows I was searching for them everywhere I went.

The other thing that took the place of DREAMS in my lifetime is PAIN. The pain I experienced in all my life from abandonment, rejection and trauma has taken over most of my days here on earth. Non-Adoptees would never understand THIS. They just can’t. But I know my fellow adoptees get it. I feel like I’ve missed SO MUCH in life because of the pain and the obsession of wondering, wishing, dreaming and searching…

The outcome of my experience has been a broken heart, or more so a shattered heart.  All the way around the search, reunion, and post reunion and back again.  From the dreams, hopes, fantasies, longing to know them has turned into sadness, loss, grief, and nothing but heartache. Does this change the fact that I searched? No, now at least I have my truth. While the first part of my life was obsessed with finding the truth, the last part has been sorting through the trauma of what the truth was. I will never regret searching. I’ve been working on healing for 4 years now, and stopped running to alcohol to numb the pain.

Reality hit me like a ton of bricks and smacked me right in the middle of my face.

4 years into healing I am learning all the dynamics of what I missed because I was left to process all of the above on my own. Just now at 42 years old trying to find a dream. Why? Because God says it’s time! I’m going to be honest.

I’m struggling.

How does someone start dreaming at 42? I’m praying about it. At this stage in my life, I really feel I’m only here to do what God has called me to do but I also know that he calls us to enjoy our lives, and live life to the fullest. Have fun and dream! Let me be clear, I enjoy my career, my amazing kids, and what I do in my life. But dreaming has been null and void. At this point I’ve started to navigate creating a bucket list. It’s really the only thing I’ve thought of over the last few years living in recovery. I have no dreams for myself, other than being a happy healthy mother for my kids, and future grand-kids. Living my life to make memories with them, which is something I never had in my life with my biological family.

Another thing that comes to my mind is the fact that without knowing my truth I didn’t know who I was as a person. I was clueless when I looked in the mirror as to what or who I was looking at. The truth, no matter how hard it was has helped me find ME. It’s given me the chance to see who I’m like, or who I’m not like rather. It’s helped me understand I’m working on being who GOD created me to be and it’s nothing like any of my biological or adoptive families. It’s like God. It seems I might be right where I need to be I suppose. I mean, it’s impossible to dream when you don’t even know who you are to form or focus on dreaming. Can I get an AMEN from my fellow adoptees?

I was asked in a training group for a job recently what country I would want to visit. Honestly I never thought about visiting any other country. My dreams only took me as far as finding my birth family, when shattered my dreaming stopped and was replaced with a shattered heart. So I made something up. I said “Hawaii”. Although I wouldn’t mind visiting Hawaii I really have never thought about it. I’ve been too busy sorting through adoptee mess.

635994013904870577-56153521_e9536de3b1175cb1602f1418a708b6c2My point in sharing this post is to ask my fellow adoptees if any of you can relate to this? And to share that at 42 years old God has guided me to pull back from navigating so many windows open in my life so I can figure out my dreams. He’s instructed me to close some windows so he can do some amazing things. Not only with my kids, but for me in my life. I’m not sure what it is yet. I honestly don’t even know what dreams I have at this stage in my life but as I listen to what God says I plan to figure it out.

Now that I’ve come full circle in my life, before search, after search and working on healing I’ve decided I need to start living life and living it more abundantly. John 10:10 says:

tapestry-of-truth-john-10-10-wall-and-home-scripture-lettering-quotes-images-stickers-decals-art-and-more-tot3644_28078762IT’S TIME WE START DREAMING!

Now for my bucket list. Here are some things I have so far.

  1. I will visit churches by taking road trips to visit them all over the U.S.A. Starting with Elevation Church in Charlotte, N.C.
  2. I will visit waterfalls in Kentucky.
  3. I will take my kids to Disney World in Orlando, Florida.
  4. I will write my memoir.
  5. I will go to the park and fly kites.
  6. I willclimb a tree again. [This was the #1 place I would dream about my birth mother]
  7. I will go camping with good people.
  8. I will go to Yogi Bear Park and stay with my kids. [Great childhood memory with my adoptive dad]
  9. I will take my kids to Gatlinburg, TN and stay in the cabins.
  10. I will visit Truittsville, KY which was founded by my ancestors. [ Located in Greenup, KY]
  11. I will visit Linda in Oregon. She’s a cousin I found via DNA. We’ve never met, YET!
  12. I WILL visit CANADA to see my friend, fellow adoptee & sister in Christ, Haley Radke! 😀

That’s about all I have so far. Hopefully as I move forward in my life I will think of more things I want to do. As for actual dreams, I really don’t have any but a bucket list is a start.

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3 of the Waterfalls I want to visit in KY.

I would like to ask my fellow adoptees if you’ve taken the time to dream for yourself? Has your adoption experience stood in the way of this? Have you found ways to work around it? Did you dream as a child? What were your dreams? Can you relate to any of this post?

Thanks for reflecting with me.

Many blessings from my dreaming to yours!

Pamela Karanova

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Passing A Blessing

Hi everyone,

I hope you are all doing well and the New Year is treating you right!

As some of you know I’ve decided to back away from much of “Adoption Land” and the “Adoptee Arena”. If you didn’t know I’m sorry. I’m not disappearing but I have found I have pull back on some areas of my life for my own sanity as I know many of my fellow adoptees can relate to making this move. From what I thought might be a temporary break has seemed to turn into more of a long term event.

In 2012 I created the “How Does It Feel To Be Adopted? community on Facebook.  In 4 years it’s grown to over 4000 “likes” and thousands of active adoptees. This page has reached adoptees all over the world. It’s been my honor to have been in touch with so many of you over the years, to build relationships with so many of you and to be a hopefully positive person for support.   Not long after Ask An Adoptee was created in a little over a year it has over 800 “Likes”. If you would like to know details about these pages please visit the “About” section of both. I had no idea how big both of these pages would get, but I knew they were helping people, specifically my fellow adoptees. They were created for you all, yet impacting the entire adoptee arena. Finally a safe space for us to share our feelings, where no one else from the adoption equation could tell us how to feel.

Over the last 4 years I’ve rode through the highs and lows of life, navigating through the valleys all while managing these pages on my own. I loved being able to come up with such a healing place for my fellow adoptees. I’ve grown in so many ways just by being able to read so many similarities and bond with so many fellow adoptees near and far. I have thoroughly enjoyed so much of this. For some time now I’ve struggled with healing in my own journey with so much of my life spread out all over the place. It was clear to me that I was doing to much.

As I’ve posted before Facebook has become a huge non-stop trigger to me and has for quiet some time. As an adopted person who had to move across the country just to provide my children with some normalcy, away from all “family” it’s sombering. It’s hard to see everyone post about holidays, mother’s day, father’s day, family reunions, etc. It adds salt to the very real wounds that are still present today. I’ve found Facebook to be a breeding place for fake relationships. I’m not saying I don’t have relationships with many of you. I’m saying I want real true genuine relationships in my life. Not those who think they know me, but have no idea what’s really going on in my life because they base knowing me by what I post on Facebook. I’ve just grown to dislike it in every way.  I deactivated my page a few months ago and I feel a HUGE weight lifted. We are all in control of our own lives. If something or someone isn’t serving is properly we must make changes to make things better. In recovery I’ve learned to avoid triggers. Being adopted, triggers are everywhere every day. Navigating what to “Let go of” vs. “What to work through” has been challenging at times. I know my fellow adoptees understand much of this.

I want to pick back up writing my memoir “Adoptee in Recovery- One Adoptees Journey from Heartbreak to Hope & Healing”. I have a story to tell and I want to share it with you all. This memoir will take readers on a journey of hope & healing, and focus on other areas of my life. I will still be managing the How Does It Feel To Be Adopted Website where adoptees will be sharing their stories with the world. I will still be blogging here on my page. I still have twitter although I have a new name. Feel free to follow me! @therealpwishes  I’m not totally dropping of the radar! Promise! 

If you haven’t shared your story yet, please visit the page! You deserve to be heard!

A few months ago I feel God has put it on my heart to release my Facebook like pages to someone else, and my time was up in managing them. I gave it 4 years, which is a long time. I have felt sad about it because I feel like I’m letting so many adoptees down. I feel guilty for this.  It’s either feeling guilty of letting my fellow adoptees down or the burden of carrying something God has clearly told me to let go of.  The voice of God is something I have to put ahead of all things, even my own feelings, needs and wants. My heart was set on finding someone to manage them, who had a heart like me but the question was: WHO WOULD WANT THIS TASK?

I began to pray about it.

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Well God seems to always have a plan! The key is to TRUST HIM to reveal and see us through. As I prayerfully awaited for God to move with this situation my fellow adoptee and sister in Christ Haley Radke reached out to me as she often does, to check in. She’s one of my favorite people on the earth! Over time we’ve built a special friendship and can relate to each other on so many levels. I would have never dreamed of asking her because she has her hands beyond full with her podcast AdopteesOn. My hope was to touch base with her and see if she had any ideas for me of who would be a good candidate to ask about taking over the pages.

After spending a little time talking to Haley I am here to announce to you today she has the willingness to manage the pages and take them over from here forward!  Can you say EXCITING??? What a blessing for this! I never would have thought she would be interested due to her previous commitments, not to mention she’s a mommy and a wife, and has a busy life of her own.

I wanted to share this with the page readers so they are aware of the change, and aware that the pages are in the amazing hands of my friend, sister in Christ, & fellow adoptee- HALEY RADKE!!!

Haley, the adoptee community welcome’s you and we are honored to transfer these pages to such a sweet, amazing, warm and caring person such as yourself. THANK YOU for having the willingness to fit this task in your busy life to keep the legacy of the pages going for your fellow adoptees. Healing is so important and I can’t wait to see what God is going to do through you while you use Him to manage these pages! You are AMAZING!

Thank you siSTAR! 

If anyone needs to reach me, feel free to tweet me, message me here or email: pamelakaranova@gmail.com 

Love & Blessings, 

Pamela Karanova

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Move

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God has revealed to me it’s time to make some moves in my life. It’s time to make some changes. Not any little changes either. BIG CHANGES. These changes will impact the rest of my life, and my kids lives.

Elevation Church is starting a new series tomorrow called “Work Your Window”. I will be tuning in from afar but I’m suspecting it’s going to be about talking about advantage of the area’s God gives us to improve and move forward, grow in the kingdom and in our personal lives, etc.

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WE SHALL SEE! 

I CAN’T WAIT!

I’ve made the decision to discontinue the “How Does It Feel To Be Adopted” Facebook page and the “Ask An Adoptee” Facebook page. I don’t feel like God is leading me to continue these pages. I will however continue my personal blog, and the How Does It Feel To Be Adopted? blog where my fellow adoptees share their stories. I’m praying to find someone to take over the 2 Facebook “Like” pages because they have been more than what I can manage.

I’ve found ADOPTEE LAND to be a painful place for me. It’s like a weight holding me down. It’s heavy. Adoptee issues that I have area heavy on their own. It’s like ADOPTEE LAND adds fuel to the issues which has consumed me for many years now. I have felt like I have spent as much time as I can working hard to network, and I still want to do this a little bit. Just not like before. I am in retreat mode, not just in adoptee land, but in life.

It’s called SELF CARE.

We all need to do this for our sanity. 

As I’ve stated in many recent blog posts God has given me the insight to evaluate relationships, people, places and things where I invest my time. There are many things that are about to MOVE in my life. After many months of prayer, my family and I have decided to leave our church home, We will spend some time being churchless for awhile. During this time we are spending a season of healing from church hurt which is not an easy thing to do. I don’t believe in hopping from church to church. I believe in healing first. Just like a relationship we must heal so we don’t take old church hurt to new places.  I do know that when we pray and ask God to reveal HE DOES IT. He also HEALS! This decision has not been made lightly but I know God has said our season is up. This can be sad, devastating, and down right painful. It has been. But God has also given me a peace about it so I’m standing on this peace and looking forward to the MOVE he is about to do.

So many things in life are really not what they always seem. I’ve learned it’s critical to get in tune with the Holy Spirit to be able to see what God says about all areas. It’s pretty amazing to be able to have such guidance when making life’s decisions. I’m zooming in on such a wide “circle” to making my “circle” small and tight. I’m done with having a wide circle. It’s SO OVERRATED!

I’m experiencing a peace about making these MOVES in my life. 

Everything God re-MOVES from our lives he will replace with more amazing MOVES!

I’ve decided to start a weigh loss journey! I’m sharing to hopefully give someone else some hope who might be struggling in this area. Weight Watchers is one of the area’s God is MOVING in my life! This is a huge step for me. Ever sense being in recovery, FOOD has been one of the only pleasures. I’ve started scratching the surface on how someone can begin to emotionally eat. I desire to be healthy not only my spirit and mind but my body as well. So in order to do this I have to pull back on some of my commitments and focus on my health. I gained 20 lbs which isn’t much to some people. But I can assure you I can feel it all over my body. I can feel a 5 pound difference! So January 2nd I began this weight loss journey! It’s been amazing so far. Easy? NO! But in order to MOVE in some areas with my health it takes action. As of today I have lost 8 pounds in in 11 days! Weight Watchers WORKS! I’ve walked quiet a bit, but some days aren’t as much as others. I’m terrible at getting to the gym, but I love to walk. So I have lost by the Weight Watchers program eating all the food I want! I have a goal of loosing 30 pounds in 6 months. I CAN DO IT! I CAN DO IT!

Next thing is I’m starting a part time job on top of my full time job working as a Remote Reservation Customer Care Agent for Hilton Worldwide. The best part is IT’S FROM HOME! I can still be home with my kids and I will be able to set my own hours after training. Training is 4-6 weeks. I’m excited. I don’t do well with idol time, as many people in recovery don’t. My goal is to pay some bills on my credit, and create a emergency fund if anything ever happened we would have back up. It’s hard with no family. There is no security for me in ever being able to call a family member for anything, especially if I ever needed anything financially. I have learned to depend on my self and God has always made a way. This is another reason I’m going to work a part time job. Saving money!

While God is making major MOVES in my life, I see transitions coming about for the BETTER. My time will be more limited, and things might be hectic on occasion juggling 2 jobs and a home, and still being a mom. I want to use the little spare time I will have with my kids, and my few close friends and with God. My oldest daughter is in college, and I want to do as much as I can to help her!  Just because we have decided to MOVE churches, doesn’t mean God isn’t close by. He’s with me daily, and I seek Him first and foremost in my life. Pulling back from LOTS of social media has been a HUGE life off my shoulders. MAKING MOVES! I thought it was going to be temporary, but as the days pass the more free I feel. The more time I have for things that are really important like the things listed above.

Just updating my followers near and far where I’m at and what’s going on in my life. I hope the new year is treating you well and I pray God MOVES some things in your life so you work towards happiness, being healthy and whole in Him!

If you need to reach me, feel free to leave me a message here or email me: pamelakaranova@gmail.com

Blessings,

Pamela K.