A Reflection About Christmas

Moving away so my kids and I could have a better life is something my kids, thankfully will never understand. If they understood this they would have to experience all the hell I went through growing up. I never wanted them to experience these things, so moving away to protect them was all I knew to do.

I am constantly hearing many people share experiences about their families, and the good and bad times. Many times I learn of dysfunction and toxic situations that people are in while they are grumbling and groaning about certain people. Many times they share situations about family members who have “crossed the line” or “got on their last nerve”.

This holiday season I was reminded on many occasions why I moved away. To me there are so many dynamics to this. There are pro’s and con’s. The sadness I feel from having to make this choice of moving away just to have some normalcy in my life, and my kids life really never leaves. Aside from all the other adoptee issues, this sadness is always in the background lurking, especially on the holidays.

All those around are sharing their holiday “CHEER”

I just can’t wait to get on with the new year!  

I never want to be a Grinch and spoil anyone’s holiday so I keep my opinions to myself. Holidays are painful! Triggers Triggers everywhere. Everyone is talking about their families, blah blah blah…

This year was different. I’ve found 2 of my 3 amazing kids are in relationships with significant others. This brought a new spin to our holiday season. 2 of my 3 kids were able to experience a “Family Setting” from other families and it brought them great joy and fun to experience this type of “Love & Welcoming” from other people, in other families.

It dawned on me that this is something I can’t give them and I never will be able to give this to them. 

There is little ole me.

I’m just mom.

I feel terrible about THIS but no one else would understand unless they were an estranged adoptee in a similar situation. I don’t have parents that are active in my life or my kids lives. They don’t have active grandparents, cousins, aunts or uncles. I could have stayed around all the toxicity and dysfunction and everyone would have been major damaged goods, just like I was. If I stayed in the situation I was in, I wouldn’t even be able to be “Mom” because I was so broken that drinking alcohol was all I knew to numb the pain.

Of all people to know how important a mother is, I know. I know because I have never had one so I know first hand the heartbreak and loss involved in this situation I have had no control over. My birth mother rejected a relationship and abandoned me twice. My adoptive “mother” should have never been given a chance to adopt. She was never a mother. My adoptive dad moved far away and LEFT US with the adoptive “Mother” who didn’t have the capabilities to be a “Mother” and my birth father has rejected a relationship with me. I’m trying to embrace family isn’t always blood, it’s who you make it and teach this to my kids.

How can an adoptee be adopted, yet be parentless in the parent area?

Back to CHRISTmas…

My 2 children were able to experience all the fun, love and excitement of being a part of another family. My heart was exceptionally excited for them to be able to experience something they should have never had to go without. I feel guilty as a parent, but I can’t change a thing about who our family is or isn’t. I have had no control over being adopted or the family I got in this deal.

One thing I know is that I pray daily for my kids to have significant others who have big wonderful families who love them, accept them and treat them with love and respect each of them deserves. I pray they gain a wonderful family in their significant others. I pray they are strong enough in life to be able to have healthy and happy relationships around them. I pray they are strong enough to let go of all things unhealthy and toxic no matter who inflicts this on them. I want them to find happiness in life. They deserve it.

It might have taken me many years to get my “stuff” together but one thing I am certain of is that my kids have me, adoptee in recovery. Holiday’s come and go and there are constant reminders of all that has been lost in my life because of adoption. Triggers come 100 X a day it seems. Adoption doesn’t only impact me, but it has greatly impacted my children. I know on many occasions they have expressed feeling alone like I do. It breaks my heart in another type of way.  I’m their mother and I’m not going anywhere but I never can or never will be able to give them the wonderful happy family they deserve. Not on Christmas, or any day of the year. It saddens me but at the end of the day…

We do have each other minus all the family drama!

That’s something HUGE to smile about! 

Thankfully we have each other.

family

pamkids

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Around The World & Back Again…

This is pretty random, but I’ve been watching the news.

This has pros and cons for me. 

I stopped watching television 4 years ago. Why? Well, because it was just so heavy. Everything was heavy. News is nothing but heartbreak and doom and I made the choice to opt out. Television programs seemed to be the biggest waste of time to me. I love controlling what I let come in my life and what I let influence my mind. Television has been something I eliminated. It’s been great.

Until Now. 

I decided I needed to get up to date on some of the happenings in our country and around the world. My GOD at all the things happening in our world today. I’ve spent about 6 weeks trying to learn about Aleppo, Syria and the war that has been happening for the last 4 years. My heart has been torn to shreds seeing on the photos and videos online of all the horror all the people of Syria have been going through. To learn that the U.S. has played a major role in funding this war, where thousands of lives have been lost, including women and children of all ages I became so saddened and upset.

Here are some photos to give you an idea if you haven’t seen so far…

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I have cried REAL TEARS about all that is going on in this world! These are human beings being treated as if they are nothing and the world has sat back and remained silent. Mass genocide is going on in our world and it sickens me.

WHY WHY WHY?

Can you imagine being a mother or father and hearing 30-40 bombs go off in your neighborhood daily and you never know when one might strike your home? FOR FOR YEARS this has been going on! Children MURDERED! Newborn babies MURDERED! Innocent women & men MURDERED! I even saw a video of a 15 year old boy being beheaded! YES! This goes on in the world!

I’m praying for these people who are so innocently being slaughtered for no reason at all. The more I learned the more I became humbled in my life. Not only for me, but for all those around me and the people right here in the USA who are living lives where we are more free than so many of the countries around the world.

I have issues, but my issues are things I can and will overcome with God on my side but my things are nothing compared to what is going on around our world. 

We really have so much to be thankful for you know?? 

Thanks for reading.

P.K.

A Wave of Uncertainty

I’ve always been petrified at the thought of things not being “CERTAIN”.

Uncertainty brings a gray area.

I like things to be black and white.

It either is or it isn’t!

Gray area’s and Pamela don’t work very well together.

Gray area’s bring me fear and anxiety.

OVERWHELMING SOMETIMES!

 Over gaining the control over MY LIFE, breaking FREE from what always was and how other people wanted me to be or not be I have gained this great feeling of controlling MY LIFE. I know many adoptees have control issues! I know I’m not alone.

But there is a problem with this.

How do I let God do what he does if I want to be in control of my life all the time?

Well…..

I must say I’m growing somewhere because at this point of my life I’m experiencing much uncertainty and I’m actually at peace about it! I truly believe this must be something God has planned, because normally I would be freaking out right now. I am not freaking out. Woot Woot!

It’s almost as if I’m on a magic carpet ride and God is directing my ride. I have always trusted God. People, not so much.

So now what? 

I’m praying more.

Journaling more.

Listening for God’s voice more.

Worshiping more. 

Reading the word more.

I honestly think this is why this “transition” in my life has not been as painful as it normally would have been.

Trusting God is the KEY! 

Amen,

Have a blessed day!

Pray for me and I’ll pray for you too!

Pamela Karanova.

Withdraw & Retreat

I don’t consider it isolation. 

I consider it me getting alone with God. 

That’s a wonderful place to be IMHO. I’ve come to a cross roads in life. I feel like I’ve come to many cross roads over the last few years, but none quite like this one. I feel a total peace about the place I am, and this is why I know it’s from God. 

I’ve learned over time it’s so easy to become co-dependent on people, places and things. I am striving to be free of codependency of people, places and things. The more I let go of people, places and things the more free I become. The more free I feel. Free to me is a “Safe Space” for me to be in. The less people, places and things the less drama, hiccups and nonsense I have that comes my way.

I’ve had a love/hate relationship with Facebook for quite some time now. I am learning that Facebook is just a tool used for everyone to be up in your business, when reality is most of those people aren’t even in my life. It’s almost as if I’ve noticed Facebook has a sort of control over me. I have made the choice to “Opt-Out” of allowing Facebook to have this control over my life, at least for the time being. It’s apparent in my life anyway, something can happen spur of the moment and I make the choice to log back in and there I go… Wasting time, very valuable precious time on meddling in what others are doing. I put up a status that is heartwarming for those who read it and go about my merry way. There is much more to Pamela Karanova than what I share on Facebook. I have many layers as we all do.

Most of the time I wonder who is REAL in my life and who ISN’T. Who will even notice I’m gone? Hardly anyone ever does. I find it so interesting. The people who I REALLY have in my life I’m close to and we talk on the phone, text, and see one another and don’t need Facebook to tie us together. I’m clinging to those REAL relationships with my REAL friends. If we have a relationship in “real life” I don’t need Facebook to have that. I am keeping my “Like” pages up and going, as well as sharing adoptee stories at How Does It Feel To Be Adopted Website

Many transitions are taking place in my life. I’m in a discovery phase of WHO I AM and listening what God is going to do next in my life. I’m going through emotional highs and lows in LIFE in general. God is weeding out people, places and things who don’t serve a purpose in my life anymore.

 John 5:8 says, “”Stand up, pick up your mat, and walk!”

And so it is… 

I’m happily embracing on a season of self discovery moving forward while acknowledging all that has been might not be a part of what will be. I’m okay with this. I don’t feel the need to explain my journey to everyone. Most people only want to hear warm fluffy stories anyway! I feel those who will really want to know will take the time to reach out to me and find out how I am, what I’m doing in my life. 9 x out of 10 they won’t have time to meet you for coffee with their busy schedule, so WHY would I share my life with them? Real relationships takes real action. I don’t believe in telling people “Good-Bye”. If you were ever a real part of my life there will be no “Good-Byes” only more “Hello’s”. If you weren’t a real part of my life, you might consider saying “Good-Bye” but may I suggest you save it for the next person you would like to have a “Fake Relationship” with?  Why would you tell someone “Good-Bye” if you have a real relationship with them? I sure wouldn’t.

I’ve seen a lot in my little 42 years of life here on earth. I’ve been in large groups of people who say you are a part of their life, and I’ve been in small groups of people who say the same. I’ve been naive for many years of my life. I’ve wanted to be accepted and belong somewhere for so long, that I’ve been blinded many times over at synthetic relationships that come my way. Just because I speak to you and see you as we pass by one another doesn’t mean you are my friend. Friendships take work. They take time. They take sacrifice to put your friends before yourself. Friendships take intention. I try to see the good in people, and for most of my life I’ve fallen head over heels in love with the idea of so many people who “love me” or “accept me” and those who say they WANT TO BE MY FRIEND.

It’s take 42 years for me to be OKAY with the idea that people are full of it. They can say words like “Family of Choice” so easily. In the next breath they denounce the very words they spoke the week before.  What is “Family of Choice” anyway? To me it sounds like something that separates and divides us away from our family of origin or our adoptive family or whoever we have close to us we call family. Family is a variety of things. Family is those who you invest in, you take time to reach out to them and you make it a POINT to be in their life. This can even happen from a distance! Family isn’t something that I take lightly. I’ve had blood and adoptive family and church family. People can say they are family and back stab you or betray you in a heartbeat.  One thing I don’t do is FAKE. If I don’t like you or want to be around you, you will not hear from me. I won’t respond to you and I will always try to do this in the most elegant & graceful way possible. Just because I’m a CHRISTian doesn’t mean I have to allow everyone on God’s green earth to see inside my life. I am called to love people, and that I will do. It doesn’t mean I need to continuously let my guard down, allow people to come into my life only to dismiss me in the next segment of this thing we call “Life”.

It’s a freeing feeling to CHOOSE who I allow in my life.

 I can honestly smell bullsh*t a mile away! 

Relationships are reciprocated.

If I don’t reciprocate I don’t want a relationship with you.  

If you don’t reciprocate a relationship with me, I KNOW you don’t want a REAL relationship with me. 

It’s SIMPLE. 

End. Of. Story.  

I remember the days where I would allow people in, and they flat out didn’t deserve to be in my life. I wanted and needed to be accepted SO BAD, I was blinded by so much.

Those days are over. 

Today, the title of this post is “Withdraw & Retreat” for a reason. I’m not all alone. God is with me! My close friends know pieces of what’s going on in my life, and the REAL friends I have are on this ride with me. My kids are with me. They are the most important thing TO ME! So today I’m at a peaceful place filled with many transitions taking place. God is weeding things OUT and I believe with my entire heart he will replace all those things with better things.

It’s critical I trust Him.

Growing in my relationship with God is something I put at the front of my life, each and every day I’m committed to THIS. For my fellow adoptees; I will always be around for YOU!  Please believe this is no good-bye letter. Only a post explaining some things are changing in my life, for the better and I’m excited to share it.

God is about to use me in a new way because it’s a NEW DAY in this thing we call LIFE.

Thanks for reading.

I’m going to try to write more in the near future.

Pamela Karanova

Adult Adoptee

Winding Up 2016

This has been an interesting year for me. Lot’s of challenges, up’s and down’s and changes. The older, more mature I get the more I learn about the fundamentals of life, MY LIFE. 

Interestingly, I’ve come to the realization that no matter what happens in this life, MY LIFE people continue to disappoint me and  let me down. I suppose that’s everyone’s life to an extent, right? This means we all get a choice to handle things as they come as we see fit. What is best for each of us. For me, I have made the choice to pull back from doing “so much” and having “so many” people in my “circle”. I’m at a place of feeling so many ways, I’m afraid of putting it all down in this “Space”. You all would probably have me committed to a psychiatric hospital. So I will spare you. That wouldn’t help me anyway, sharing my feelings would help me. But now that I have come out public to my TRUE self, for many reasons now I feel like I have to keep many of my feelings to myself, off my blog and tucked away somewhere no one knows. WHY?

I feel like I have to share a message of HOPE and when I’m having a hard time I don’t want to let any of my readers down so I RETREAT. I keep to myself, I withdraw and I isolate. I’m not alone, because God is always with me but the less people I have around me the less nonsense I have to deal with. I know God understands, he’s with me and he cares. I’ve made commitments to journal more, read the word more and worship and pray more. I’m learning to RELAX and learn how to embrace being alone, hanging out with myself. I like myself pretty well and I truly believe I’m the best company I will ever have. Smile.

I know this is all grounded in FEAR and HURT from loosing so much in life from adoption.My fellow adoptees understand where I am coming from. There comes a point in life where you have just had enough. I am at that place. If I don’t retreat I will break. What is break to me? Relapse.

What is the big problem, Pam? Well my mind races all day everyday thinking of my birth mother, birth father, my adoptive parents, and how I was raised, or NOT raised rather. The hurt and pain I have experienced, and I also think of good things. Where God has brought me from and how much I’ve overcome. Most day’s the hurt overpowers the good in my mind and heart. I still wake up daily feeling brokenhearted. I wish I didn’t. I have tried everything in the last 4 years, and I believe some things are better but the pain is still there and it creeps it’s ugly little head and knocks me off my feet sometimes. It takes everything in me to put one foot in front of the other. I’m still after all this time trying to find out who I am and what I stand for. I also have REAL LIFE issues aside from adoptee issues. We all do right? I just makes it A LOT!

I know some things I stand for:

I’m a caregiver. I’m a nurturer. I’m a lover. I’m a hugger. I have compassion for others. I have a lot of love to give. I love simple things in life. I love outdoors. I love colors and the sky. I love Jesus. I love my kids and the happiness they bring. I love my animals. I love my fellow adoptees who understand. I love advocating for them. I love rallying for adoptee rights. I love sharing my story. I love hearing other adoptee stories. I love coffee, hot tea, worship music and the best for last, JESUS! 

There are a lot of things I love and enjoy doing.

There is still such a disconnect  almost as if I’m floating through life not connected to anything. I know I have attachment issues and I know it’s related to adoption. I have anger about a lot of things that are surfacing and I am working on that. Thankfully I don’t act on my anger, I pray about it!

National Adoption Awareness Month took a lot out of me. A LOT!  But I wouldn’t change a thing about my participation in it.

I’m still trying to learn to live with a broken heart daily. It’s hard. I’m not a good faker. Never have been. I don’t want to burden anyone with my nonsense so I don’t share with most people. If you see me or talk to me, I will tell you “I’m fine”. I’m learning I’m becoming stronger just in order to handle this pain, where they pain seems to be here to stay. I was under the impression it was going to get better at some point, but 4 years into recovery it’s stills strong. I can say my “episodes” aren’t as long as they used to be and as often so that’s something great that’s happening.

2016 has been a hard year but there have also been many blessings!

I’m still alive.

I’m still healing.

I’m still in recovery.

I’m still growing!

I have amazing kids!

I have an awesome career!

I’m believing 2017 will be a better year! 

Pray for me and I’m going to pray for you too!

Pamela A. Karanova