A Reflection About Christmas

Moving away so my kids and I could have a better life is something my kids, thankfully will never understand. If they understood this they would have to experience all the hell I went through growing up. I never wanted them to experience these things, so moving away to protect them was all I knew to do.

I am constantly hearing many people share experiences about their families, and the good and bad times. Many times I learn of dysfunction and toxic situations that people are in while they are grumbling and groaning about certain people. Many times they share situations about family members who have “crossed the line” or “got on their last nerve”.

This holiday season I was reminded on many occasions why I moved away. To me there are so many dynamics to this. There are pro’s and con’s. The sadness I feel from having to make this choice of moving away just to have some normalcy in my life, and my kids life really never leaves. Aside from all the other adoptee issues, this sadness is always in the background lurking, especially on the holidays.

All those around are sharing their holiday “CHEER”

I just can’t wait to get on with the new year!  

I never want to be a Grinch and spoil anyone’s holiday so I keep my opinions to myself. Holidays are painful! Triggers Triggers everywhere. Everyone is talking about their families, blah blah blah…

This year was different. I’ve found 2 of my 3 amazing kids are in relationships with significant others. This brought a new spin to our holiday season. 2 of my 3 kids were able to experience a “Family Setting” from other families and it brought them great joy and fun to experience this type of “Love & Welcoming” from other people, in other families.

It dawned on me that this is something I can’t give them and I never will be able to give this to them. 

There is little ole me.

I’m just mom.

I feel terrible about THIS but no one else would understand unless they were an estranged adoptee in a similar situation. I don’t have parents that are active in my life or my kids lives. They don’t have active grandparents, cousins, aunts or uncles. I could have stayed around all the toxicity and dysfunction and everyone would have been major damaged goods, just like I was. If I stayed in the situation I was in, I wouldn’t even be able to be “Mom” because I was so broken that drinking alcohol was all I knew to numb the pain.

Of all people to know how important a mother is, I know. I know because I have never had one so I know first hand the heartbreak and loss involved in this situation I have had no control over. My birth mother rejected a relationship and abandoned me twice. My adoptive “mother” should have never been given a chance to adopt. She was never a mother. My adoptive dad moved far away and LEFT US with the adoptive “Mother” who didn’t have the capabilities to be a “Mother” and my birth father has rejected a relationship with me. I’m trying to embrace family isn’t always blood, it’s who you make it and teach this to my kids.

How can an adoptee be adopted, yet be parentless in the parent area?

Back to CHRISTmas…

My 2 children were able to experience all the fun, love and excitement of being a part of another family. My heart was exceptionally excited for them to be able to experience something they should have never had to go without. I feel guilty as a parent, but I can’t change a thing about who our family is or isn’t. I have had no control over being adopted or the family I got in this deal.

One thing I know is that I pray daily for my kids to have significant others who have big wonderful families who love them, accept them and treat them with love and respect each of them deserves. I pray they gain a wonderful family in their significant others. I pray they are strong enough in life to be able to have healthy and happy relationships around them. I pray they are strong enough to let go of all things unhealthy and toxic no matter who inflicts this on them. I want them to find happiness in life. They deserve it.

It might have taken me many years to get my “stuff” together but one thing I am certain of is that my kids have me, adoptee in recovery. Holiday’s come and go and there are constant reminders of all that has been lost in my life because of adoption. Triggers come 100 X a day it seems. Adoption doesn’t only impact me, but it has greatly impacted my children. I know on many occasions they have expressed feeling alone like I do. It breaks my heart in another type of way.  I’m their mother and I’m not going anywhere but I never can or never will be able to give them the wonderful happy family they deserve. Not on Christmas, or any day of the year. It saddens me but at the end of the day…

We do have each other minus all the family drama!

That’s something HUGE to smile about! 

Thankfully we have each other.

family

pamkids

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Around The World & Back Again…

This is pretty random, but I’ve been watching the news.

This has pros and cons for me. 

I stopped watching television 4 years ago. Why? Well, because it was just so heavy. Everything was heavy. News is nothing but heartbreak and doom and I made the choice to opt out. Television programs seemed to be the biggest waste of time to me. I love controlling what I let come in my life and what I let influence my mind. Television has been something I eliminated. It’s been great.

Until Now. 

I decided I needed to get up to date on some of the happenings in our country and around the world. My GOD at all the things happening in our world today. I’ve spent about 6 weeks trying to learn about Aleppo, Syria and the war that has been happening for the last 4 years. My heart has been torn to shreds seeing on the photos and videos online of all the horror all the people of Syria have been going through. To learn that the U.S. has played a major role in funding this war, where thousands of lives have been lost, including women and children of all ages I became so saddened and upset.

Here are some photos to give you an idea if you haven’t seen so far…

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I have cried REAL TEARS about all that is going on in this world! These are human beings being treated as if they are nothing and the world has sat back and remained silent. Mass genocide is going on in our world and it sickens me.

WHY WHY WHY?

Can you imagine being a mother or father and hearing 30-40 bombs go off in your neighborhood daily and you never know when one might strike your home? FOR FOR YEARS this has been going on! Children MURDERED! Newborn babies MURDERED! Innocent women & men MURDERED! I even saw a video of a 15 year old boy being beheaded! YES! This goes on in the world!

I’m praying for these people who are so innocently being slaughtered for no reason at all. The more I learned the more I became humbled in my life. Not only for me, but for all those around me and the people right here in the USA who are living lives where we are more free than so many of the countries around the world.

I have issues, but my issues are things I can and will overcome with God on my side but my things are nothing compared to what is going on around our world. 

We really have so much to be thankful for you know?? 

Thanks for reading.

P.K.

A Wave of Uncertainty

I’ve always been petrified at the thought of things not being “CERTAIN”.

Uncertainty brings a gray area.

I like things to be black and white.

It either is or it isn’t!

Gray area’s and Pamela don’t work very well together.

Gray area’s bring me fear and anxiety.

OVERWHELMING SOMETIMES!

 Over gaining the control over MY LIFE, breaking FREE from what always was and how other people wanted me to be or not be I have gained this great feeling of controlling MY LIFE. I know many adoptees have control issues! I know I’m not alone.

But there is a problem with this.

How do I let God do what he does if I want to be in control of my life all the time?

Well…..

I must say I’m growing somewhere because at this point of my life I’m experiencing much uncertainty and I’m actually at peace about it! I truly believe this must be something God has planned, because normally I would be freaking out right now. I am not freaking out. Woot Woot!

It’s almost as if I’m on a magic carpet ride and God is directing my ride. I have always trusted God. People, not so much.

So now what? 

I’m praying more.

Journaling more.

Listening for God’s voice more.

Worshiping more. 

Reading the word more.

I honestly think this is why this “transition” in my life has not been as painful as it normally would have been.

Trusting God is the KEY! 

Amen,

Have a blessed day!

Pray for me and I’ll pray for you too!

Pamela Karanova.