The Value of a Memory

“Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment, until it becomes a memory” – Dr. Suess 

The holidays have passed and I’m thankful they are over. I feel like 2015 was the worst year I have ever had in my entire life which means 2016 is probably going to be OUTSTANDING!

I can only hope and I’m expecting nothing LESS! It’s nice to have a new year to start over with new things, but I would like to think I have that chance every single day, because I do. We all do. But there is something about turning over a YEAR to a NEW YEAR that is fascinating to everyone.

New hopes, new dreams, new goals, new memories to be made, with hopefully some new and old people.

NEW BEGINNINGS.

That’s exciting, right? Or at least it should be.

What happens when you don’t have the memories like most people do? What happens when there are no memories? What happens when you have a few memories and look forward to making up for lost memories but that is shattered with lies being uncovered for TRUTH. There is no future for some memories. What happens when you see other people gloat over their memories with loved ones, and you have nothing to gloat over?  Do they realize how much a memory means? Just one memory is EVERYTHING to some of us, yet others have years and years of memories, yet they are mourning because someone is gone, yet they have all the memories to remember them by?

How do I mourn over someone when I have many memories with them? At least I have the memories to cherish. At least I have something to hold onto. Yet I’m supposed to cry invisible silent dry tears for those who I didn’t get any memories with? Or wait, my right to cry dry invisible tears for my first family was taken from me, because I spent 38 years being told I should be thankful, grateful and I should be thankful I wasn’t aborted.

For me a memory is everything. Having memories that are nonexistent have made me cherish the memories that do exist, and it’s helped me to learn that TIME makes MEMORIES and some TIMES we are denied TIME with those who should be the closest to us.

It’s hard to see people mourn about the loss of loved ones when at least they have MEMORIES with them. Some of us don’t get that and we aren’t allowed to mourn the loss. Let me just say, today and for the rest of my life I’m allowing myself the right to grieve my losses and mourn for all the lost memories that never will be and all the time that was stolen never to return. Crying over memories that don’t even exist?

YES! That’s right! I’m allowing myself the right to grieve my loss of memories that will never exist. Since no one else in the world would allow me this right, I’m giving it to myself. I have a right to mourn the loss of never having one Sunday dinner with my grandparents. I have the right to mourn the loss of never having a generational picture of my birth mother, and her mother and her mother. I have the right to grieve the loss that I will never have a memory of having my grandmother teach me her favorite recipes, or having special talks about life and love.  I’m giving myself the right to mourn the memory of spending one mothers day with my birth mother or a fathers day with my birth father. I mourn the loss of never having a memory to celebrate one single birthday in my life with my birth parents, the 2 who created me. I have a lot of mourning to do.

I cherish the memories I have with people because to me, in the end that’s all that matters.

There is nothing more valuable on the earth to me than time, and memories. There really is nothing of monetary value in this world that excites me. I could have the biggest most expensive house, car and watch and clothes, or the least of all those things and still feel the same way. None of it makes me happy.

Memories with those I love make me happy. Memories with those close to me makes me happy. Helping others makes me happy. Pictures that are a reminder of memories make me happy. Sharing feelings and thoughts make me happy. Talks make me happy. Sunrises and sunsets make me happy. Spending TIME makes me happy. There is nothing of monetary value that makes me as happy as time which makes memories. Another thing that makes me happy is when people share feelings about me, us or life. Life talks make memories.

I saw a quote once, “When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure”- Author Unknown

Adoptees are left with no treasures. 

So much lost in adoption, but the memories has been hard for me to just “GET OVER”. But I have learned NOTHING in ADOPTION is something we can just GET OVER. We have to process things, so here I am processing.

At least with so much LOST never to return, I DO KNOW THE TRUE VALUE OF TIME AND MEMORIES. Holidays are always a reminder there will never be a holiday with my birth mother or birth father or biological grandparents. Not one memory exists and it never will.  If you have even ONE memory with your FAMILY even when you fight, carry on and can’t stand one another remember some of us never get even one memory with our biological parents, or biological grandparents.

The memory bank is zero. 

This is why I know the TRUE Value of a MEMORY. 

Yes people can say, “Oh, so and so is like family”. Nice thought but it’s not the same. I love you for hoping it is, but until you experience it you can’t compare.

Today I remain thankful for my kids, my church family, my far away adoptive and biological family I have relationships with. I hold you all close to my heart.

For my adoptee family, I love you all! I know you get it! 

I can say learning the true value of time and memories has helped me in many ways. I’m content with the simple things in life. I don’t need fancy things. I love simplicity and “things” don’t make me happy. I would say that’s a pretty good quality to have. My kids say I’m cheap, they make fun of me for being frugal. But I say why buy something at the mall for 3x as much money when I can buy it at Goodwill for $4 and it all brings me the same amount of happiness? Why shop at the mall when yard sales are much more exciting?

So you see, the value of a memory has pros and cons. TODAY I will focus on the PRO’S because focusing on the CON’S doesn’t bring me happiness.

Time and memories bring me happiness.

For those who have memories with loved ones, never underestimate the value of time and a memory. We can’t take the rest with us. Some of us aren’t so fortunate to have something so many take for granted.

Are you an adoptee and have a special value for time and memories? What about pictures? Am I the only adoptee who feels this way? Have you allowed yourself the right to grieve over the loss of so many memories you will never have that so many others take for granted?

Allow yourself to grieve and mourn what will never be. What was lost never to return. You have every right to grieve over the family and memories you lost. Don’t ever let anyone tell you different. And remember, time does NOT heal all wounds. Grieving your losses in healthy ways, sharing feelings and acknowledging your feelings allowing yourself the right to grieve heals your wounds. It does take time, but it’s not going to go away by letting time pass and not addressing these things.

Yes, I’m in my feelings but that’s OK!

Join our all adoptee group for Grief, Loss & Trauma by sending me a message. The only way to join is invite only, I would be happy to invite you!

Thanks for reading.

P.Karanova.

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5 thoughts on “The Value of a Memory

  1. So beautiful! ❤

    I would say that yes, I do tend to treasure memories more than those around me and I'm more sentimental when it comes to stuff…like gifts. :/ It's kinda complicated and I'm not very good at verbalizing my thoughts, but I get what you said in your post. 😀

    Sending love!

    Julie

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Your blog was amazing. I thought that it was me, always me, my fault, ‘her’, aka me!!!!
    I just wanted to feel part of ‘her’ family……….i have nothing and no-one, starting to live at 46yrs  (‘mother’ has recently died) with no foundations. Its really really difficult every day.
    Adopted, non-biological siblings hate me……i did nothing to them. Mother divided and conquered…….i am grieving for 46yrs worth of sorrow, hurt, guilt, never being good enough.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Mandy,

      So glad you found my blog! So sorry for your experience but as you can see you aren’t alone! I can relate to grieving for all the loss, and I am 41 so I have been going through the process for a few years. If you think of how long it takes for some people to grieve one person, we are grieving so many more and so much more all at once. It seems by the time we get wind of “the right to grieve” we are at our ages, and it takes a good while go move through the motions! But the key is THROUGH because you deserve to be happy and so do I! Have you thought about blogging or setting up a place to share your feelings? Accountability partners from those who “get it” is really validating and important. Please think about it. It’s free on wordpress and the app is amazing! I had to pack my kids up in a 22 foot uhaul and move across the country from EVERYONE and start my life over, and it has ups and downs. We have no family here, but we have a HUGE AMAZING and LOVING SUPPORTIVE church family but there are flip sides to everything in life, and we have just been dealt a hand that most do not understand, never will they even if they try. Hang in there sis, you aren’t alone! If you find me on Facebook I would love to add you to our all adooptee “Grief, Loss & Trauma Support Group” . XOXOXO ❤

      Like

    2. Mandy I went through all that too – I was adopted and the first of the “family” , then another adopted girl and my parents had four children of their own. I was no long needed or wanted, my siblings hated and resented me. My father loved me but when he died my life was over. I have struggled on alone most of the time and been quite successful in business etc. but have never really liked life or felt comfortable in my own skin. I find it hard to look in the mirror – I was the cuckoo in the nest and the ugly duckling.

      Liked by 1 person

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