Can I Cry Now?

When I searched for my birth mother I was all alone, with no support or guidance.

There was no help.

Can I cry now?

My adoptive mom told me my birth mother loved me “So Much. that’s why she gave me away ” but when I found her she didn’t want to know me.

Can I cry now?

Never in a million years would I expect the woman that loved me “SO MUCH” to reject me…

Can I cry now?

When my adoptive mother told me I made her dreams come true to be a mother, there was no room for my sadness or tears because for her dreams to come true, I lost an entire family and my mother.

I couldn’t ruin her dream come true by my sadness?

Can I cry now?

When my adoptive mother lied to me about finding my birth family, and told me when we had enough money we would get the sealed records opened I hung onto that hope. It was a lie.

Can I cry now?

When I saw a billion therapists, counselors, was put on medications, locked up in rehab, and juvenile jail.. No one ever asked me if my pain was from losing my first family or being separated from my biological mother. Not once.

Can I cry now?

When I contemplated suicide as a teenager, I kept it a secret because no one cared about my feelings.

Can I cry now?

No one has ever asked how it felt growing up not mirroring anyone and feeling alone and isolated.

Can I cry now?

Everyone told me how to feel, and that I should be thankful I wasn’t aborted.

Can I cry now?

When my birth father’s rights were stolen, and he wasn’t even told about my existence but did my adoptive parents ever wonder who my father was?

Can I cry now?

I had high hopes, but when I showed up at his door to introduce myself he knew nothing about me.

He denied I was his daughter.

He told me to “Go To Hell”.

Can I cry now?

Because of this I will never EVER have ONE MEMORY, NOT ONE WITH A BIOLOGICAL GRANDPARENT!

CAN I CRY NOW??!

Because of things I had no control over, I missed out on relationships with my siblings growing up.

Lost time never to return.

Can I cry now?

Someone else’s dream come true is my biggest loss, yet I’m supposed to be THANKFUL FOR THIS LIFE?

Can I cry now?

Stuck in the middle of 2 families, feeling torn between the 2 yet never really fitting into either…

Can I cry now?

My birthday is like dooms day. Yet I’m forced to put on a smile. It was the day I lost everything.

Can I cry now?

When I searched for my biological mother everywhere I went, no one cared that all I wanted was HER.

Can I cry now?

But her loving me “SO MUCH” was a lie too, because when I found her SHE DIDN’T EVEN WANT TO GET TO KNOW ME.

Can I cry now?

It’s been torture not knowing WHO I AM or WHERE I CAME FROM.

Can I cry now?

My broken heart is dismissed by everyone, because adoption is such a glorious thing.

Can I cry now?

For everyone that tells me I should just get over it, move on, or suck it up, or I’m just focused on the past and its negative…

Until you have walked one day in my shoes, you can’t judge me.

Can I cry now?

Because I feel like the WORLD is up against me

Can I cry now?

I will pretend when you see me, everything is OK because I’ve been conditioned to do that since I found out I was adopted.

But today I want to ask YOU if I can cry now?

When all my pain has been locked inside for over 40 years because the WORLD GLORIFIES ADOPTION AND THERE IS NO ROOM FOR MY PAIN…

Let me ask…

Can I cry now?

Answer me WORLD who glorifies ADOPTION…

Answer me WORLD who has no room for my PAIN.

CAN I CRY NOW?

I had to fight the WORLD and the CLOSED ADOPTION LAWS to find my TRUTH so I could move forward and HEAL

Can I cry now?

Now that I’m not running from the pain of my reality, and I’m 3 years into sobriety, not drinking or drugging to numb my pain

Can I cry now?

Since society, and the WORLD and everyone impacted by adoption denied me my right to grieve growing up, finally at 41 years old

Let me ask…

Can I cry now?

Remember crying is healing.

Sharing feelings is healing.

WORLD WHO GLORIFIES ADOPTION…

You have to FEEL it to HEAL it…

CAN I CRY NOW?

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Pamela A. Karanova

PamelaLee

Reunited Adult Adoptee

Lexington, KY

http://www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted

**If you can’t acknowledge my feelings, please don’t silence me with your scriptures.

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14 thoughts on “Can I Cry Now?

  1. I cried for 10 years until I got it all out. It’s a life long process. We are all brothers and sisters in this thing called adoption. I feel like I was never really born. There was no one to tell me about my birth. My birth mother is an enigma. Everyone did what was right for them and so should you. If YOU want to cry..go right ahead.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I cry with you and for you, When I asked my adpttee mom yesterday some details surrounding my adoption she got frustrated and angy. You know, the tough questions like “how long did you and dad plan before adopting me”. Her answer “I don’t know Greg” The answer that I know to be true….2 months! Yeah, can I cry now and while at it ,may I hit something. God bless your ministry, you and I’ve never met you, love you and support you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. We are all expert secret crier’s. I have done it for 53 years, since I was nine years old. Only we adoptee’s know the the loss and pain we feel.
    Yes dear lady you can cry now as you always have and always will. We who cry also know when happiness is real too. Thank goodness we can laugh too sometimes, and love genuinely, because we really know the difference between pain and sorrow.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Very beautiful and moving wonderfully written and i totally get it … I hope that you can find a healing path and allow yourself to cry .. I too am working on that after 5o years of not being allowed to talk about it… I was lucky enough to reunite at age 54 this summer with my mother and my sister for the first time … My mother is 75 and sister 56 .. now i need to cry for all the lost years but the anger and sadness at all the wrongs that were done in adoption prevent me from grieving the loss of my whole nfamily. I work on my healing daily and I am learning that it is not shameful to cry and bit by tiny bit the pain of a lifetime is being released.. It is a hard journey for sure and I will always have to live with the pain of I cannot turn back time and I cannot regain what I loss I have to live in the now as the past is to painful and the future to scarey… I am sorry for all that you endured and lost in your life and you fully have my permission to cry and I hope that you have someone around you to reassure you that you are entitled to all your feelings …. I also hope that many can read this and begin to understand the many complexities of adoption ..

    Liked by 2 people

  5. i don’t know why buyers and sellers and their counterparts stretch the bible and say they justify sales. there are so many more scriptures about not committing this crime against children and mothers (some completely direct). i would highly suspect the way that ‘father’ treated you was the way he treated your mother. some women (nearly all) are so abused in the insemination and sale they can’t mentally and physically withstand the reunion. i love my daughter with all my heart but every meeting is painful. she doesn’t know the baby theft hell and how tortured and abandoned i was. (hint if you fight back they threaten you) nightmares for years and years, and i don’t want her to know this part. so her assumptions are so ego bruising . yes yes yes an entire childhood of forced not grieving oh days of heartfelt sobs and wailing where are you.

    Liked by 2 people

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