An Adoptee Rights Rally For Truth-2016 Get On Board!

Adoptee Rights Rally 2016

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As the adoptee community begins the process in planning the Adoptee Rights Rally 2016 I sit here and wonder why there aren’t more non-adoptees supporting us. Or are they but just choose to sit silent?

I think they are afraid to speak up and speak out and even click “like” on posts that adoptees are sharing these days for fear of what others think. Will it show up on my timeline? Will others think bad of me for going against the grain of what the “Adoption Industry” portrays?

I would like to ask all non-adoptees to try to pull themselves away from the world’s view of “adoption” and place themselves in our shoes for a moment.

Just for a moment…

Imagine growing up your entire life not looking like anyone, not knowing where you come from or who your people were. Imagine going on a date as a teenager or adult, and not knowing whether your date could be your cousin, or sibling or someone blood related to you. It’s always in the back of your mind, but you will never know the truth about who shares your DNA because “adoption laws” from centuries ago say so. Laws of man are standing in your way. Every day is a question mark hanging over your head, and you try to search for those who might look like you and you wonder ever y single day if they ARE related to you. But you will never know because again, laws of man are standing in your way. You have children of your own, and not only do you have to put “ADOPTED UNKNOWN” down as your medical history, but you have to put it down for half of your children’s medical history. Everything of every day is UNKNOWN and NOTHING is CERTAIN anywhere in your life.  This is simply because you are adopted.

Memories that can never be replaced are gone forever. You are forced to be thankful because a family “rescued” you when your own family didn’t want you. When you have feelings of sadness or despair, you are told to just get over it or move on. Or simply be thankful for LIFE, after all God knitted you together in your mother’s womb and he knew every hair on your head before you were ever born and you are a GIFT FROM GOD.  The world leaves no place for your sadness, or heartache because you made someone’s dreams come true of being parents, especially those with infertility issues. You are more like a pawn, used to make other’s happy with no say so in what’s happening to you. Your feelings don’t matter at all, unless they are feelings of happiness and gratification of course. You struggle to bond with anyone around you, because let’s face it. They are nothing like you. There are no connections. You are alone and your feelings don’t matter. Your adoptive parents make it a point to make you “feel good” about your adoption experience, which they have good intentions, but this diminishes any feelings of sadness of your grief and loss so you grow up your entire life hiding how you truly feel. As you get older, your deep sadness turns to anger, rage, and you start to act out and hurt those around you. Contemplating suicide over and over because no one will help you and no one understands you!

 All you really want is your TRUTH!

Who am I?

Where did I come from?

Where are the people that look like me?

SOMEONE HELP ME FIND MY PEOPLE!!!

WHY IS MY [His]Story & [Her]Story BEING KEPT SECRET FROM ME?

WHY ARE THOSE THAT SAY THEY LOVE ME LYING TO ME?

Do I need to continue on?

This never ends my friends. Adoptees all over the world are just SCREAMING TO FIND THEIR PEOPLE! THE ARE BEGGING FOR THEIR TRUTH!

Regardless of the laws of man from centuries ago, My God is a God of TRUTH and just because our biological mothers and fathers made decisions that had NOTHING TO DO WITH US doesn’t mean we should have to keep paying for their mistakes. Society, [yes you!] has placed this heavy burden upon us [adoptees] that if we don’t FEEL a certain way, we’re just angry, or focusing on the bad. Society has to make a change and understand that we only want our truth so we can move forward and HEAL! We can’t heal from half truths, and lies and secrecy. It’s time the rainbow colored glasses come off, and the truth come to LIGHT about secrecy surrounding many adoptions today.

 Secrecy is from the DEVIL. TRUTH is from GOD.

There is no reason on earth we should have to go to WASHINGTON, DC to have a peaceful demonstration to get what’s rightfully ours, OUR TRUTH! But the fact is, we do because the world is still operating on laws from centuries ago.

I understand this might not be important to you [non adoptees] because you aren’t adopted or you aren’t impacted by adoption in anyway but what about this being a human rights issue?

Why not support TRUTH for ALL ADOPTEES ALL OVER THE WORLD JUST BECAUSE IT’S THE RIGHT THING TO DO?  WHY ARE WE FIGHTING LAWS OF MAN FOR OUR TRUTH?

YOU’RE EITHER FOR US [TRUTH] OR YOU’RE AGAINST US [SECRECY].

It’s black & white.

My Bible say’s “You shall know the TRUTH and the TRUTH shall set you FREE” John 8:32

THE TRUTH MEANS NOTHING HIDDEN!

So I’m asking all non-adoptees today to PLEASE open your heart and ears to what adult adoptees have to say about the secrecy and lies involved in altering birth certificates, and keeping them sealed from adoptees all over the world. We all deserve to know where we come from, and we all deserve to know our history, medical history, ancestry, siblings, our birth records, and to have our original birth certificates.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE ADOPTED TO GET ON BOARD WITH ADOPTEES FINDING OUR TRUTH.

IT’S A HUMAN RIGHT

WITH ADOPTEE SUICIDE RATE 4X MORE LIKELY THAN NON ADOPTEES WE AS A SOCIETY CAN’T CONTINUE TO BE SILENT ABOUT SOMETHING SO IMPORTANT.  ARE WE GOING TO CONTINUE TO IGNORE THESE FACTS?

I’m not saying I’m against adoption. I’m against secrecy and lies that surround adoptions because these secrecy and lies have had a direct impact on me and my children and hundreds of thousands of other adoptees out there. It’s time all adoptees get equal access to their original birth certificates just like the rest of society.

All those that believe in the TRUTH please consider attending this event to support a great cause!

You don’t even have to attend this event. You can “LIKE” or “SHARE” posts on Facebook regarding this event, or adoptees speaking about finding their truth. Anything HELPS!

YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE ADOPTED TO BELIEVE IN TRUTH!

What’s stopping you from Supporting Adoptee Rights?

IT MEANS SO MUCH TO ADOPTEES FOR NON-ADOPTEES TO SUPPORT US!

It’s simple, you’re either for us or you’re against us.

CLICK THIS LINK TO JOIN THE INVITE!

What can non-adoptees do to support adoptees?

Get on board for open records and support us in stopping the secrecy that surrounds many adoptions today. Get on board with adoptee rights.

Understand the secrecy that we are experiencing is strong, and it’s still thriving today in most adoptions.

Take the blinders OFF and listen to what adult adoptees are saying.

ADOPTEES HAVE VALID VOICES TOO!

We all deserve to be able to move forward and heal, but without our TRUTH healing can’t happen. Think about it.

Pamela A. Karanova, Lexington, KY

PamelaLee

Reunited Adult Adoptee

http://www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted

Grief & Loss & Adoptees

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This picture kinda sums up my mood at this point in my life.

I was up late last night researching “Grief & Loss” and all the stages of this process.

It was amazing to me that if I inserted the word “ADOPTEES” into all of the areas that take you through the grief & loss process it describes how I have felt all of my life regarding my adoption experience.

Putting in some work and research I have identified that this process is the grief and loss process, vs. depression. I’ve compared the 2, and from what I’ve read and learned, the grief & loss process is like an emotional roller coaster, up and down. It’s said that you can still see the beauty in areas of your life, and the thankful for certain areas, but in this particular area (ADOPTION) I (and hundreds of thousands of other adoptees) are stuck in this grieving and loss process.

Why are so many of us stuck?

My opinion is based on living my life being an adoptee. I believe I am stuck at this point in my life because my grief & loss was never acknowledged growing up, ever. I’ve been 100% alone on this entire journey, until now. I know I have people who support me, especially my fellow adoptees. Growing up, no one ever told me it was okay to be sad about the biggest loss of my life, let alone cry about wanting to know who my birth mother was. Emotions, and sad feelings were tucked deep inside, with no way to come out.

I remember my adoptive mom telling me I was adopted, and how my birth mother loved me so much she “gave me away” to have a “better life”. She followed this by saying, how HAPPY she was, that her dreams finally came true to be a mother. She said she couldn’t have her own babies, so when she adopted me, God gave her the gift of being a mother, so I was so special to her.

Let me ask… I wonder how my feelings of sadness would fit into this equation? I remember being a little girl, thinking, “Wow.. She sure is happy I’m here, to be her daughter” and I knew at that moment, for her to keep her happiness I can’t share my sadness. Did anyone else experience this? In a way I feel like it was a form of gas lighting. But she was also someone who always made us feel like we were responsible for the way she felt, which is not true. I grew up with the mindset (because of her upbringing) her happiness and sadness depended on me. She would always say things like, “You made me feel this way, or you made me feel that way”… I always remember counselors always telling us, “You aren’t responsible for her feelings”. When we would say that to her, she insisted we made her “feel” a certain way.

It’s interesting to me to finally figure this all out and my attempts to do this research are to work towards healing, because truthfully although I’m on the other side of my healing journey, I still have a long way to go.

Let me share some of the top areas that society might consider areas we might grieve our losses over in our life:

  • Divorce/Relationship Breakup
  • Loss of health
  • Losing a job
  • Loss of financial stability
  • A miscarriage
  • Retirement
  • Death of a pet
  • Loss of a cherished dream
  • A loved one’s serious illness
  • Loss of a friendship
  • Loss of safety after a trauma
  • Selling the family home

Of course we can add to that list. It amazes me that losing ones mother at the beginning of life is no where on this list. Nor is losing an entire family in adoption.

What if, just what if the WORLD started opening their eyes to the adoptees side of view, and they stepped out of denial and we started to grieve our very VERY real loss at a very early age?  What if the world started treating adoption loss like they do other losses? What if the WORLD got educated on the grief & loss process, and adopees started sharing their feelings at a much earlier age? What if we saw adoptee therapists who specialized in complicated grief and loss at a early age?

The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief we experience.

Adoptee loss is complicated!

In adoption, our loss is so extremely great, yet it’s almost always ignored. We’re told the be thankful, to be grateful and to be happy we were given life when we could have been aborted. We’re told we were a GIFT FROM GOD and God knitted us in our mothers womb and we were planned before we were ever born. Scriptures are thrown at us to back it up.

How do these comments help us grieve our loss? To me, they have always been silencer statements as a way for someone to try to make me “FEEL” better. How about as a society we come to a place where we just can’t make adoptees feel better, we let them grieve their losses by acknowledging them and we listen to their feelings when they share them?

What if those close to us were to say, “It’s okay to be sad” or “It’s okay to want to know where/who your first mommy is. She’s your mommy and you have every right to love her and ask questions about her”. What if the world said “I’m so sorry for the pain adoption has caused you, and acknowledged our feelings of loss” instead of “Oh your adopted?! How wonderful!”.

There is nothing wonderful about losing our mothers and an entire family. I’m so sorry, but there just isn’t anything wonderful about that.

I’ve written a few blog posts earlier about God healing my broken heart regarding my birth mother. Amazing, yes this did happen! What I’m continuing to experience is processing grief & loss regarding my adoptee experience. I have accepted that it is here to stay, and the more I feel it the more God will heal it. So this is my safe place to write about what I’m FEELING regarding my adoptee experience, and each time I write I’m healing.

I would like to encourage all adoptive parents to reach out for help on assisting your adoptive child in starting the grief and loss process as early as possible. I had to figure all this out on my own. I still have people that are close to me who think I should have “just gotten over it” by now. Don’t you think if I could I would? Who really wants to go through the grief and loss process their entire life? Sad thing is, sometimes it takes us an entire life to process this grief and loss especially when we aren’t starting until our 20’s-30’s-40’s & 50’s. If society would step out of denial, and begin to understand how great our loss truly is, by reading adoptee blogs, reading The Primal Wound-Understanding The Adopted Child and take off their rainbow colored glasses regarding adoption, we wouldn’t spend such a long time grieving our losses.

Let me say there is no write or wrong way to grieve, or a time we are limited to ID-100265464grieve. Some of us grieve pretty quickly, some of us are perfectly fine and don’t need to grieve at all. Some of us experience loss so great, we will be grieving for the rest of our lives. Each adoptee is different and unique in that aspect. The point I’m trying to make is that once the WORLD steps out  of denial and starts to acknowledge our loss as a real and valid reason to grieve adoptees will begin to heal. We need non-adoptees to TRY to understand this, especially those impacted by adoption. What if we start doing this at as young of an age as possible the adoptee suicide rate will begin to go down? The prisons, and treatment facilities filled with adoptees will be less and less. The crime rate for adoptees will be less and less.

Study the grief and loss process, and add ADOPTEE LOSS everywhere you can. You will learn that “ANGER” is one of the stages of grief, and as an adoptee who has lived being adopted we have much reason to be angry. The question is, what are we doing with our anger? Are we using it to hurt ourselves, and other people or are we using it in a positive way? Are we helping others with it?

So many adoptees don’t know what to do with the feelings they are having. Talk about a mixed up bag of emotions. Every day continues to be a struggle, but because of my kids, God and my close family and friends, and because of my fellow adoptees I’m still here.   Many days I don’t want to be here, the pain is just too great and at 41 years old it continues on. I know my fellow adoptees get it!

Could it be I will experience this pain from grief and loss for the rest of my life? 

I will never know the answer to that, until I reach the end of my life but I have experienced it for 41 years now. Each and every day there are always reminders and each day is a struggle. I don’t believe I’ve ever truly lived LIFE because so much has always been weighed down. I’ve spent my entire life trying to survive and make it through the realities of what adoption really is.  Today, I can get comfort in knowing I have a purpose on this earth to share my story so other adoptees know they aren’t alone. I have hope in Jesus my pain will get easier. I have hope that future generations of adoptees will have things easier, because adoptive parents are reading and listening.

I’ve learned that most people just don’t want to read or hear what adoptees have to say because the truth in how we feel is pretty uncomfortable. It’s not usually a happy topic and I can understand this might be the case for any “hot topics”. Yet society is failing to “tune in” to a very flawed system of sealed records, and adoptees hurting all over the world because no one will validate our grief and loss. Society can do something about this. They can chose to tune in and try to understand from an adult adoptees perspective. They can stop pretending that our loss isn’t real or we aren’t impacted by loosing our entire first family. They can face the truth, because the truth is the only way we will be set free. I challenge you, to start tuning in today.

I know the adult adoptees sharing their stories is causing a ripple effect in the adoption communities, so all the future generations of adoptees will be able to be heard and not silenced. They will understand their loss is real, and it’s okay to grieve it. Hopefully it will start as early as possible. I pray adoptive parents out there are equipped on how to handle these very sensitive subjects, so they can better help their adoptive children. ( search for an adoptee therapist who specializes in complicated grief & loss) No matter what our biological parents were, or they weren’t we all deserve to know our truth, so we can grieve that truth and move forward with healing.

John 8:32 “We shall know the truth, and the TRUTH shall set us free” 

For my fellow adoptees, what has helped you with grieving your losses during your journey? Do you have any suggestions for your fellow adoptees or those reading? What has your process been like? Has it gotten easier for you?

Pamela A. Karanova PamelaLee

Reunited Adult Adoptee

http://www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted

http://www.facebook.com/askanadoptee1

Twitter: @freesimplyme & @adopteereality

Instagram: @pwishes & @howdoesitfeeltobeadopted

Add me to your Facebook & leave me a comment so I know you were here! ❤

Photo Credits By Witthaya Phonsawat  & Theeradech Sanin’s

http://www.freedigitalphotos.net

LOVE IS NOT ALL WE NEED

We’ve heard it all for centuries, especially in the adoption community.

“ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE”

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Well I’m here to express my desire to not only have love but my truth. Love wasn’t all I needed.

I needed my truth

THE TRUTH MEANS NOTHING HIDDEN

Yes, you guessed it. I’m an adult adoptee who has grown into my own woman. I have developed my own opinion, and I have been on a healing journey for 3 years now, attempting to heal from the lifelong struggles being adopted have brought my way. When I was growing up you weren’t supposed to talk about it. The less adoptive parents talked about it the better. Well, that was probably the worst advice that could have ever been given to adoptive parents.

TODAY…

I don’t have to be quiet, because it’s not a secret anymore. It might have been in the 1970’s but those days are over.

John 8:32 Says, “We shall know our TRUTH, and our TRUTH shall set us free”.

This scripture is what I stand on for all adoptees all over the world that are fighting to find their truths.

Love is good. Love is great.  Love isn’t everything. Love definitely wins. But Love isn’t all I needed.

I believe all adoptees are different. Some are perfectly content with not knowing who they look like or where they come from. They don’t need to know their answers. A lot of times adoptive parents come to me and say, “Jonny is fine with being adopted, I ask him how he feels and he says “Fine”, and he never brings it up. He appears to be happy.”

I think parents, adopted or not naturally want to protect their kids. I find this to come natural as a parent of 3 children. I would never want my poor kid’s hearts broken, but the truth is when you adopt a child, you adopt their broken, tainted, tore history while you adopt them. You also adopt the beautiful history some of us have.  It’s a part of them. I believe when you adopt a child, you have to accept this as a part of the child, and learn that there will be a day that child will start asking questions about their first family. They deserve to know their truth.

If LOVE was all I needed I would have been in great shape growing up. I believe with my entire heart that my adoptive parents and family LOVED me with everything they knew how. I have always been closer to my adoptive dad, yet he has always been so far away. But he’s been amazing. His wife, my step mother of over 35 years has also loved me the best way she knew how. We’ve all had a roller coaster ride over the years, but at the end of the day I know they have loved me, and they haven’t lied to me to gain anything. I respect them for that.

I still needed all the answers to my history. I needed my truth. I needed to know who my siblings were. I wanted to meet my biological grandparents. I have searched for every clue to WHO I AM and learned that I’m not like anyone of them! I’m the child God created me to be, but I needed to know and see this for myself. I needed to make the choices on my own, without everyone telling me and making the choice for me.

Saying “Love is all we need” is like putting a band-aide on our wounds. They are still deep down there and will surface as root issues later on in life.

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 THE TRUTH HAS HURT MORE THAN ANYTHING ON THIS PLANET.

I experienced failed reunions and rejection from both birth parents, yet I am happy every day I got one AMAZING brother out of the deal, and his AWESOME siblings have accepted me as their own.  I will always be grateful for them, and their relationships. ALTHOUGH THE TRUTH HURT, I WOULD RATHER KNOW IT, ACCEPT IT, AND BE ABLE TO HEAL THROUGH JESUS AND MOVE FORWARD WITH MY LIFE!!!!

We can’t heal if we don’t know our truth.

If I can share something with all my fellow adoptees out there, I would like to say to never give up hope in finding your truth and as much as it hurts to say, be prepared for anything. Most of the time relinquishment isn’t a “Pretty Story”.  I most certainly don’t want to discourage anyone from searching, but reach out to another adoptee that can pray for you, or help walk you through the emotions of the reunion and search experience.

My reunion doesn’t define me. My biological parents don’t define me. My adoptive parents don’t define me. My history doesn’t define me.

They are indeed a part of my Her [Story] – History! 

WHO I AM IN JESUS DEFINES ME!

I learned I’m really not like anyone, yet God made me (and YOU) special and unique in his own way. After learning what I know about my birth parents, TODAY I’m extremely thankful I’m not like any of them. The difference is, I know JESUS and neither of them did/do. I have his peace. I don’t have to drink today to handle these emotions, and the pain that goes along with this journey. Being adopted is a lifelong thing, it doesn’t just go away. This is something I will be working through for the rest of my life.

LOVE IS GREAT & LOVE WINS

But LOVE isn’t all I needed.

I needed my TRUTH

I thank GOD today, I’m no longer fighting for my truth.

How do my fellow adoptees feel?

Is love all you need?

Pamela A. Karanova,

Adult Adoptee Reunited

http://www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted

http://www.facebook.com/askanadoptee1

Please read “About” section of both pages

Twitter: @pamelakaranova<– FOLLOW ME!

Photo By: Salvatore Vuono @freedigitalphoto.net