A Cup Of Coffee & A Dose Of Truth…

It’s a new day in adoptee land, and all I have on my mind is how many adoptees I can connect with so they know they aren’t alone.

I remember that feeling oh so well.

Growing up feeling alienated, looking different, feeling different because I was different. In the 70’s (and I’m sure years before and after) adoption wasn’t talked about.

I wonder who invented the “Rules” that went along with adopting a child back then?  Better yet, I wonder who came up with the rules on who could adopt and who couldn’t?

I remember learning that everyone was told that when you adopt a baby you were just supposed to keep quiet on everything, not talk about it, and hopefully the child will grow up never questioning its origins, or for some they never told them they were adopted.

I believe many “Closed Adoption” adoptees have major trust issues, with the world. I know because I do. The world we live in and the adoption industry made the choice to take away my history, and remove my identity and sweep it under the rug like my history didn’t matter or exist. Well, you can’t erase DNA. They tried, but it didn’t work.

If you are wondering why this is such a big deal, chances are you haven’t experienced it.

I can’t imagine growing up never knowing I was adopted!!

Thank you adoptive parents for telling me I was adopted!

If I found out “LDA-Late Discovery Adoptee” later in life I was adopted, and my adoptive parents lied to me in that way, I would feel so betrayed.  My heart aches for the LDA’s that I know. That’s a whole different set of emotions, trauma, feelings, etc.

There is no way I will ever believe hiding someone’s original identity, birth certificate, or anything to do with their history is okay. My God is a God of honesty, and I believe TRUTH is the only way to healing.

Being adopted in a closed adoption did a lot of damage. The best part is God heals. Do you think I would be writing about all this if I didn’t have something good, better yet GREAT to tell? Why would I waste your time?

I wouldn’t.

The thing is, times are changing and adoptees are FINALLY sharing how they feel. They are coming together like a close knit thread of a thousand strings, sharing stories. Sharing heartache. Sharing pain.  Sharing Reunions. Sharing how we have healed.  Sharing is healing.

ADOPTEES: NEVER STOP SHARING!

Some of us are already judged, because in the world today adoption is so glorified, there has never been room for adult adoptees voices. You would think our voice would be the most important in the equation, because our lives and experience living being adopted are very valuable.

But unfortunately we are almost always ignored, or labeled angry adoptees. Better yet, “We just had a bad adoption experience”.

Those days are over. I don’t consider my adoption experience to be the worst out there, but there are most certainly some things I wished were done differently. Why would I not share them so other adoptive parents can learn? My adoptive parents were given a set of rules: There were none. It was always the less you talk about it the better.

Well I am here before you today to tell you, that not being able to talk about my feelings growing up is what led me to internalize all my pain. When I reached a certain age, I began using substances, to numb my pain. And we wonder why adoptee suicide rate is 4x more likely than non-adoptees. I thought of suicide MANY times growing up, and have still struggled with it as an adult.

No, I’m not suicidal. I have a great life and too much to live for.

But what I’m saying is that growing up not having a way to communicate my pain, lead to a destructive lifestyle. When the “WORLD” has already painted a picture that everything about adoption is WONDERFUL, there is no room for adoptees to express their pain.

WE HAVE TO DO BETTER PEOPLE!

Sorry to say, Christian’s are the worst!

Not saying all Christians feel this way, but I have found more Christians use the word to try to silence me, and other adoptees and it really is only hurting us worse. I’ve learned to use the word right back, and express that MY GOD is a God of TRUTH. So anyone that believes lies and secrets in adoption are OKAY, I beg to differ with them. We are all raised that lies and secrets aren’t okay.

I believe almost all people in the world who aren’t impacted by adoption in some way, view adoption the only way they know it. That it’s all wonderful saving an “orphan” who otherwise wouldn’t have a family. But they refuse to acknowledge there is any loss in adoption, only gain.  This has to change. This is why I’m speaking out. So future generations of adoptees don’t have to experience the heartache that I did.

For most who are impacted by adoption, they might know about the loss associated with it, but they are in denial that it impacts the adoptee in anyway. I’m here to tell you it does impact us. When we lose everything that connects us to our DNA, or HISTORY, our BIOLOGICAL ROOTS & FAMILY TREE, it is going to impact us. The world has to stop acting like our history doesn’t exist. You can change our birth certificates, you can rename us, you can pretend our first family doesn’t exist.. But DNA doesn’t lie. It will eventually tie us to all the answers we desire to know when we reach a certain age, but it would be the best thing ever if our adoptive parents didn’t act like our first families didn’t exist. This causes us such tremendous heartache. Trust me, I have lived it. I don’t wish it on anyone.

I challenge CHRISTIANS and the WORLD to get honest, and realize that the secrets and lies in adoption are not okay. Open your ears and hearts to the fact that along with the wonderful adoption stories everyone has, there are REAL losses associated with being adopted.

For adoptees, in order to gain a family, we first had to lose one. That loss is HUGE and almost always ignored. Not to mention the loss of the woman who carried us for 9 months, who’s DNA we share.  Being separated from our birth mothers is a trauma in itself, almost always ignored. (Regardless of the slut, whore, drug addict, prostitute, low life we’ve been told she is, she still matters to US!)

Lies are what destroyed a lot of my life. I have learned that secrets and lies are from the devil. This is why I’m in recovery, and will be for the rest of my life! To sort through the mess I was placed in without a choice. God is not a God of secrets and lies, so why are we supporting secrets and lies in adoption?

I refuse to apologize for my view. I refuse to sit down and be silent. I refuse to be silenced by society.  My truth is my truth.

Why do I write? Because when I write no one interrupts me.

I’ve been interrupted and silenced my entire life. 

No one tells me how I should feel here.

They have told me how to feel my entire life.

If people want to read it, they can choose to do it, or chose not to. I’m not pushing my opinions, feelings, or TRUTH on anyone that doesn’t want to read it. If you’ve made it this far, you made the choice to do so.  I realize not everyone will agree with me. That’s okay.  Almost ALL adoptees will understand where I am coming from, and I KNOW they “Get it”.

For the non-adoptees who made it this far, just what if as a society we decided to take our blinders off, and listen to adult adoptees and how they feel? Do you think we could lower the adoptee suicide rate? I know for certain adoptees are dying to be heard, they just want their feelings validated. They want to know their loss is real, and it’s okay to be sad about losing their first families.

The earlier these issues are addressed, and talked about the less pain the adoptee will internalize.

Remember: Honestly and Open Discussions are always best. Secrets and Lies (even little ones) are not from God. They are from the devil.  Lying is never okay.

My adoptive mom always lied to me growing up. We have no relationship today. My adoptive dad was always 100% honest. We have a relationship today.

Speaks for itself.

It’s taken me 40 years to get to a peaceful place of healing. God get’s the glory. I will spend the rest of my days writing and sharing how it’s felt growing up adopted, and living as an adult adoptee in a world that doesn’t recognize our loss.

Adoptees, never give up on finding your TRUTH, never give up on HEALING. God can and he WILL give you your truth & he will help you HEAL. You just have to BELIEVE! ❤

If you made it this far, thanks for reading!

For all adoptees reading, please add me to your Facebook!

Pamela Karanova, Adult Adoptee Reunited

 

Lexington, KY

pamelakaranova@gmail.com

www.howdoesitfeeltobeadopted.wordpress.com

www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted

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6 thoughts on “A Cup Of Coffee & A Dose Of Truth…

  1. Preach it! 🙂

    Oh and that “whore, slut, prostitute, drug addict” that gave birth to me was actually a sweet, smart, 18 year old, with an extended family that everyone brags about (i.e. my grandmother was everyone’s favorite “nana”) who retired recently as the VP of human resources of a big financial company and now has a house twice as big as mine, overlooking the Pacific. What a loser, right? LOL!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow.. I’ve heard tons and tons of stories of the bios being thrown under the bus, and most of the time it’s fabricated to make the adoptive parents feel better. I know some cases the biological family suffers from different issues, but in my case it had no wavering on me wanting to know them and judge for myself. My birth mother AND birth father are both alcoholics but it had no impact on me wanting to know them and have relationships with them. Even if they were drug addicts I still would have wanted to know them. I’ve found adoptive parents use that as a tool to persuade the adoptee to not want to peruse relationships. It happens all the time. All it did for me was make me feel like I was in the middle and alone.

      Glad your mom was more than the stereotype for biological mom’s and it’s amazing you were able to learn the truth! We shall know the truth and the truth shall set us free!!!! 😄

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh truly! I would have wanted to know them even if they were the stereotypical. They’re still my mother and father. It’s not like they’re somehow worth less because they struggle with stuff, right? At least in my case it would be the pot calling the kettle black; my addictions are just more socially acceptable.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I think the primal would is equally shared by the birth parents and equally silenced. Often I read about adoptees feeling even more rejected when reunited with the birth parents and I just want to say that if their pain and loss was ever acknowledged then the reunification process would probably go better because they have been living their lives in shame and denial…but a healthy reunification process is exactly what the adoption marketeers don’t want. I’m only saying this to offer some kind of understanding for adoptees who feel rejection from their biological families, the hurt, lies and secrecy are like a contagious disease and it affects everyone involved. My heart goes out to everyone who sufferes these losses.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I couldn’t agree more cousin. I did pretty extensive research on how birth mothers feel/felt so I could gain a better understanding which would help me heal. The results I found by birth mothers (first mothers) expressing it themselves is heartbreaking. They are told to just keep quiet, and move on with their lives. They are sold a dream by the adoption industry and alot of times open adoptions are closed for no reason at all. (A while different post)

      Reading “The Girls That Went Away” changed my life because I read tons of stories of what the birth mothers went through. Even the ones that made the decision (not being coerced) to relinquish rights. They still had truama,grief and loss and most of them from the baby scoop Era took it to their graves, never forgiving themselves.

      As for my birth mother, after she relinquished me nothing changed in her life. In 2010 when she passed I visited her house and it was like a scene from the 70s. It was erie. She was an alcoholic and drank herself to death. Now, after gaining my TRUTH I’ve been able to have sympathy and compassion for her because I know her heart was broken from relinquishment. I just know it was.

      Sad.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s another reason I was able to forgive her. So i could heal. It wasn’t for her… but I have accepted her decision and feel sorry her pain was so great in her decision she couldn’t face me because it hurt to much. She was ashamed of the affair with the married man, who was a close family friend. I was told she was especially angry that my adoptive parents divorced when I was 1. She said if that was going to happen she could have raised me on her own. So i know in that sense she cared but her pain was to great. And alcoholism distorted any healing for her, but I really don’t think she k ew what healing was.

        Liked by 2 people

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