Adoptees, Why Are You So Angry?

If we can’t learn from one another, what good is our existence? As a way to assist society on learning how it feels to be adopted, I decided to ask one question to generate some responses why adoptees might be angry or hurt by their adoption experiences. These responses have been kept anonymous for confidentiality reasons. Each person that participated knew their response was going to be posted on a blog and shared with the world. To my fellow adoptees, thank you for sharing such a personal piece of your hearts to help others understand us better. If we don’t who will? Also, remember you are never alone. The way you are feeling is natural for a not natural situation. Much love from me to you!<3

I asked one simple question, “WHY ARE YOU ANGRY?” over 50 adoptees chimed in. Here are their responses.

  • Lack of identity. Lack of origin. Adoption being about our adoptive parent’s pain which eclipses our own. Feeling like an outsider. Feeling helpless. Bullying. Discrimination. Systematic discrimination. Legal discrimination. Being forced to lead someone else’s life and not my own. Searching for an identity in all we know. Having to identify with painful back stories of pop culture icons who’s worlds have been destroyed (superman, Mr. Spock, starlord, the punisher the list goes on). Feeling like your life is a movie because we’ve been introduced as a supplemental character in our own story with no history. Having to grow up too fast. Being told we’re lucky. Being asked about our ‘real’ parents. Being looked at like an alien. Being told there’s a reason for our suffering without being told the reason. Feeling worthless because nobody values OUR needs. Feeling like there’s no end in sight. An inability to believe in ourselves because we believe there is something intrinsically wrong with us. Having to constantly wonder if the people you may know on Facebook are somehow related. Feeling the same feeling when walking down the street. Having to wonder when starting a new relationship whether or not they’re your sibling or cousin. Never being able to feel 100% comfortable in said relationship because of that. Feeling like love is someone leaving you. Never finishing anything because of a lack of closure.
  • There are SO many reasons, I probably can’t list them all in one go. But the things that come to mind are:
  • My own FAMILY gave me away to strangers.
  • My own grandmother lied to and coerced my mother so that she felt she had no other choice, and all because my grandmother cared more about what the neighbors thought than she cared about my mother or me.
  • The government colluded with my grandmother to ensure that my mother wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone unsupervised by my grandmother, so she had no opportunity to discuss or truly discover what SHE wanted.
  • Even though the government KNEW full well that my father wanted to raise me even if my mother didn’t, they told him he had no rights to me, and gave me to strangers when they COULD EASILY have allowed me to be kept within my own family.
  • The government TOLD my adoptive parents that they shouldn’t tell us we were adopted, that we never need know, AND told them that even if we did know, that if they were good parents, we’d never wonder about our pasts.
    The government LIED to me when I tried to get information.
  • The manager of the government’s post adoption registry LIED to me, and acted like he was god by flaunting all the information that he had about me that he wasn’t going to share with me.
  • Some members of my adoptive family always treated me like an outsider.
  • I never fit into my adoptive family. I’m not like the rest of them – even the ones who have been nice to me.
  • All the other kids at school knew I was adopted, and would tell me that their parents had said that my real mother didn’t love me and didn’t want me.
  • Other people have always acted like THEY know better, and have told me how I should feel, and what I should or should not do.
  • Other people gave me search advice that I wish I hadn’t taken, because my mother DIED before I found her, and if I’d just called around, I’d have found her before that.
  • Other people told me what to call my natural family, and I wish I hadn’t felt obligated to listen, because it’s NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
  • People do not allow us to grieve. Try telling someone your mother died and hearing “It’s just as well.” or “You’re over reacting. You didn’t even know her.”
  • I’m angry because my right to grieve was stolen along with my history. If I was allowed to grieve and share my feelings as a child I may not be as angry as an adult. Unfortunately I’m just now grieving my losses… And yes, ANGER is a stage of that grief.
  • I’m angry because I was told a lie most of my life by my adoptive parents. Why are we raised to tell the truth and not lie but adoption lies are okay? Lying is not okay. I would rather know my hard core history [My truth] than be lied to my entire life by those who are supposed to love me the most.
  • Could it be we have not been allowed to grieve our loss? From our birth mother. In Grieving anger is one of the stages in grief. People have not allowed us to share our loss and validate loss. People dismissed our loss as important.
  • I personally am angry because I was not told I was adopted until I was in my 30s and it’s very disempowering, plus quite a shock to find out at that age.
  • I’m angry because I grew up feeling completely out of place and have ALWAYS wondered about where I came from, and here I am- a grown adult who is STILL being denied that knowledge by other people. I am angry because I have had to put myself (and private information) out there for the world to see for only a tiny CHANCE of finding my biological identity. I am angry because I have feelings that get poo-pooed by other people who have never been in my shoes. I am angry because I am being treated like a perpetual child. Like I’m not “allowed” to want to know and that I don’t deserve to know and most of the people with those thoughts get to know exactly where THEY came from!
  • I’m angry because I’m in my 50s and still not allowed access to my own birth certificate – even though I found all of my family member’s years ago. I’m angry that there is still a lack of support for family preservation in favor of adoption. I’m angry that having more money allows certain adopters to pull wanted children away from their families. I’m angry that so many childless people that claim to care about children really only want to get themselves a baby and not actually help older children in foster care or even just vulnerable families in their own community. I’m angry that whenever adoptees attempt to speak their truth and call for changes in the system they are silenced, called “ungrateful” and “angry” and told they just had a “bad experience.” I’m angry that the industry is pulling in thousands of dollars at the expense of vulnerable children. I will continue to be “angry” in order to try to affect change for today’s children and those yet unborn.
  • I’m angry because everyone expected me to forget my first family & expected me to be thankful for the biggest loss of my life. An entire family.
  • I’m angry because of my adoptive parent’s gain I lost a lifetime of memories that can’t be replace with my biological family members.
  • I’m angry because I was taken away from my country, my culture and my native language. Not only that but I was lied to which was pretty stupid as I was transracially adopted! My name was taken away from me I was taken away from me and I was renamed if they had used my Chinese name as a middle name that would have been fine but I wasn’t even afforded that option. What makes me even more angry is I see 21st century white adoptive parents making exactly the same “mistakes” or decisions as my unenlightened 60s adoptive parents did. At least they had an excuse ideas about culture and identity had yet to be formed etc. But today what’s the excuse there is none.
  • I’m not angry. I’m hurt. I’m hurt that my birth Mother thinks the system failed her. I’m hurt that my natural citizenship from Canada was taken away from me. I’m hurt that I was taken away from my birth father. I’m hurt that I was discarded both as a baby and as an adult after reunion… I’m hurt that my birth mother cares more about what others think than how I feel. I’m not angry please don’t mistake hurt for anger.
  • I’m angry because I’ve found and been reunited w. Both birth parents but the state of Iowa continues to keep my birth records sealed. Why am I unable to get my information? There is no reason behind this. I want MY OBC!
  • I’m angry because if we feel any negativity towards being taken from our roots, our heritage, our FAMILIES, it’s seen as anger and dismissed. Why can’t we just be sad that we have lost so, so much?….so mostly I am sad, but I am very, very angry that the government decided I would be better off with a married couple without any other support than my loving single mother who was capable of raising me herself, yet had a HUGE extended family. I’m angry that no checks were done, other than to check their marriage cert. That certificate didn’t take away the dysfunction and abuse in the marriage.
  • It gets me angry that I fucking don’t know the beginning of my own life! How am I supposed to live a life when I don’t know how it started!
  • I am angry that we are made to feel ashamed if we express anger because we should be grateful. That our anger is seen as unjustified and that we must have some mental health problem if we are so angry; rather than a normal reaction to a tragedy.
  • I am an angry adoptee because not only was I given up for adoption, but so were my 4 siblings, thankfully I did find them all.
  • Well, I have struggled with anger my entire life. I am a 48 year old adoptee and my Adoptive Father was also an adoptee. We BOTH had/have anger issues. It stems from fear of abandonment, I believe. Anger can creep up at the strangest places. I call these “triggers.” Because we have experienced abandonment at birth, we may not remember it, but it is imprinted on our psyche and we carry that with us our entire lives. Our brains are also hard wired around this event. I also believe that we somehow intuitively know that we do not want to be abandoned ever again and so we will do everything humanly possible to avoid anything we perceive as abandonment.
  • I have read tons of books on the subject of adoption and its effects on the adoptee and this is the conclusion I have come to for today. Our brains are not fully developed at birth. When we babies are taken away from our birth mother, we immediately go into fight or flight mode. Our brains at this age are not able to regulate and handle all the stress that we are experiencing and our systems become overloaded with cortisol and it actually changes how the pathways in our brand-new brains are wired. As a result, I also believe that experiencing this at birth tells us that we are not worthy, capable, entitled, to basic necessities and comforts in life.
  • Anger is also a mask for other emotions that we “believe” we cannot or are not allowed to feel for fear of abandonment. I “can” become angry whenever I am feeling sadness, fear, loneliness, STRESS, being left out, (This is a HUGE, HUGE trigger for me…) or many other feelings. If I stop and think, “What is the underlying emotion that I am feeling right now” or “What is causing me to feel anger right now?,” I can most times avert the anger and deal with what I am really feeling – not always though. Asking for help is another HUGE trigger for me simply because I have three teenaged children who do not always want to help out at home. I f I am having a low energy day and cannot follow through with asking for what I NEED help with, I often become angry. I become angry when I am overwhelmed. The thoughts in my head also tell me incorrect ideas that lead me to believe: I cannot ask for help – for fear of abandonment. I am learning to overcome this, thankfully, after many, many years of hard work. My thoughts also tell me that I cannot do nice things for myself because 1. I cannot afford it, 2. I do not have time, 3. My chores are not done. Etc., Etc., Etc. I also have a VERY bad habit of reading into the thoughts and feelings of others. I f these people do not read my mind and act the way I “Need” then to, I become angry.
  • I have been married for 25 years to a wonderful man who is patient and kind. I STILL, to this day, become very angry over silly little things – all because I do not communicate my needs, feelings or wants (in a healthy way) AND I am able to provide myself adequate “Down time” on a consistent basis due to fear of abandonment. Here is one example. My husband is a hunter and every year he plans two hunting trips. Every year we talk and put the trips on the calendar. Every year I become angry at him during this time for several reasons: 1. He is preoccupied with planning for and packing for the trip. (I feel left out) 2. I have not planned a “Get away” for myself in YEARS! (This makes me feel guilty and sad and worn out etc., etc.)
  • In a nutshell, I think we adult adoptees have hidden triggers that creep up in several predictable and sometimes unpredictable places in our lives. These triggers cause us to feel anger because we are covering up emotions that we do not feel we should feel for fear of abandonment.
  • The bottom line is that we had no voice & no choice. It left most of us feeling disenfranchised. It affects every aspect of our lives & our sense of self-worth.
  • It’s as though we were just thrown away to be bought & sold to fulfill someone else’s needs, rather than ours. Even as adults we have to fight to gain any knowledge of our own personal health & family history, our nationality & religious backgrounds, much less to know if we have biological relatives, & to claim our own birth certificates. To get anywhere on our searches costs money & we have to face the potential for rejection from both our adoptive & biological families for doing it.
  • People who were raised in their own family of origin get to take all of that for granted.
  • I’m angry because I don’t have the basic right to be who I am and I have a law that prevents me most of my life from talking to my own mother and father, while strangers who were married took me because they wanted to and because adoption is a form of slavery and child trafficking.
  • Ambiguous grief. Why can’t you be grateful? Most adoptees are.
  • Coercion. *No one* offered to help my first mother raise me. So much for helping “widows and orphans”
  • Hijacking holy writ for personal or financial gain. Interesting that “orphans and widows” are more often than not mentioned together in sacred text, implying vulnerable mothers and children. I remember one important man turning over some tables, or something, with the money changers.
  • Hijacked identity. Give me my OBC.
  • Decades lost with my siblings that wouldn’t have been without closed adoption.
  • I’m angry that the state feels I’m incapable of knowing who my biological parents are, that the adoption industry is profiting by human trafficking and that so many adoptive parents are so insecure that they are threatened by us wanting to know our truths.
  • I’m an angry person … Not sure what it is .. I think people expect you to be thankful, to a certain degree, yes I am but they forget the impact that adoption has on people… All adoptees have issues growing up
  • I am not angry…. I am at loss because I cannot live up to the expectations of the family who adopted me and I can’t go backwards into my biological family because they also had/have certain expectations … who am I
  • I am not angry I am hurt. I grew up in complete filth. I was abandoned at the hospital when I was born.
  • My adoptive mother was in and out of psych wards by whole life and my adoptive father was Satan in disguise.I had no upbringing. I searched not for wants for my health I was told by my adoptive mother I would not be able to walk when I hit my thirties and at 34 I lost some vision and live with extreme muscle pain.
  • I have a hard time because at 78 my birth mother and I am 36 what is the problem….
  • I am angry because I sound desperate. I almost feel like a person begging for food.
  • Am I wrong because I want to know where I come from?
  • Am I wrong because for once I want to feel like I belong?
  • I am more desperate now than ever I wonder all the time looking at my 17 and 14 year old. R they ok. I cry secretly because I wish I could be a better mom like I used to be without these health issues.
  • Every day is a struggle. I just want to know. I will not burden my birth mother. I would never blame or yell I just want answers a right to know.
  • Because anger gives me energy to handle all the hurts, if I were to just feel my sadness I would fall into a depression. A bit of anger helps me keep my head above water to fight for adoptions laws to change for adoptions to be open, ethical and more support services. I work in adoptions because I am angry with people not doing adoptions correctly and I want to be a part of the solution and help change, influence those around me. I am angry because I did not get a say, my loss was and still not validated. I still don’t get a say. Reunion 24 years. Adoptive parents died 20 years ago; yet I cannot unadopt myself. I cannot legally be my mother’s daughter or my father’s daughter. This makes me angry that I do not have the same self-determination than non-adoptees.
  • Sometimes I have no idea why I am angry, self-worth and abandonment seem to be at the center of the feelings that do not always make sense.
  • Angry because we are told how we should feel, but our own feelings are not validated, even in our own families.
  • What causes me anger as an adoptee was having to hold back my feelings as a child, and of course still now as an adult, with my adoptive parents in order to protect their feelings, as if theirs were the only ones that mattered, and they certainly made it loud and clear that theirs mattered more than mine when it came to wanting to search for my birth mom and asking too many questions about her because they made it very clear from the get-go that they would be very hurt if I searched for her (which I did anyway in secret and found her as an adult)…..I am also angry that the adoptees voices count for nothing, even when they get older, even though it is their fate that is decided by others, and then if we as adoptees want to search, we often have to pay for our own records or in order to search for our birthparents. I am angry that adoptees are now being denied passports; I would have been one of them due to how my birth certificate was filed had I not already had a passport prior to 2011 when they changed the criteria. I am angry that the stark truth is coated with sugar to make everyone feel better when all it does is suppress a lot of feelings in everyone that fester and come out in other ways. I am angry that adoptive parents are told and believe and preach that they can and have loved the adoptee like their own. They have loved to the best of their ability, some of them, but it will never be the same as their own biological child, and everyone knows that somewhere deep inside. We as adoptees were most of their second choices after they tried and failed at having a biological child of their own. We were their second choice and we will always feel second best through the rest of our lives for everything. And at the same time we were their savior, saving them from childlessness which is a huge burden to place on a child, and they do place a lot on our shoulders. I am angry that so many people think we as adoptees should be grateful because our adoptive parents saved us so we should shut our mouths to any gripes we have about them and be eternally thankful towards them. I am angry that I never felt like I fit in and that I had a huge identity crisis my entire life until I found my birthparents to confirm what I did internally know about myself so that I felt explained and I felt like I understood why I was the way I am so I didn’t feel so out of place, I finally feel accepted and finally know why I was drawn to all I was drawn to, why I react to things as I do and where my talents and interests and values and quirks come from. I am angry that I have to live a double life as a 37 year old to hide from my adoptive parents that I have found my birth mom to protect their feelings because it’s all about them (which as a parent of my own biological child, it should never be that way imho)…….
  • I’m angry that when I say these things I get told I just had a bad adoption, angry that adoption truth is hidden along with my identity and family. The most sacred bond of family is destroyed by adoption, cruel and barbaric, extreme, insanity; imagine preventing family association, absolutely disgusting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • I’m angry because the government says I have no right to know who I am or where I came from….that the 14th amendment doesn’t apply to me.
  • I’m angry because I’m expected to be grateful for losing my mother. Non adoptees take so much for granted and are not willing to understand our loss and our grief. If one more fucking person tells me I’m lucky I’m about ready to give them an earful. I had to disguise my grief so as not to upset my adopters. I’m angry that I was given to people old enough to be my grandparents who thought a shed was an appropriate home. They didn’t legally adopt me till I was 16 and they kept that a secret, although all my ‘friends’ knew. I’m angry that I don’t belong with either my adoptive or birth families. They’re aliens to me. I didn’t search till it was too late. My mother was dead. I delayed because I didn’t want to hurt my adopters! My male adopter (wouldn’t dignify him with the title father) was an abusive drunk. They were totally insensitive to my feelings. They never talked about my adoption… Well there wasn’t one when I was growing up. They were totally clueless that I was seriously depressed. I hate them and I hate my birth relatives. They too are totally insensitive. My cousin showed me a ring of my mothers, never thinking that I’m her daughter and it should be mine. Why am I angry???? Sheesh!
  • I think frustrated is a better descriptor than angry. Frustrated and over being silenced, lied to and treated like wayward children.
  • I’m angry because I’ve never seen my own birth certificate.
  • I’m angry because I was lied to for 34 years. I didn’t discover I was adopted until I was an adult when my birth mother found me. The “better” family I went to was emotionally and physically abusive. I’m angry that I missed knowing my biological family for so long. Birth mom searched for ten years before finding me. Numerous relatives including birth father died during that time. Health history that would have been very valuable (and thus avoiding several tests I “needed” based on adoptive family history) to me. I’m angry because no one supported my mother in raising me instead of making me out to be a shameful secret. I’m angry that my adoptive family denied my mental health issues when they would have been addressed openly in my bio family (all my siblings have some kind of issue that the family deals with openly and honestly). I’m angry that my birth mom didn’t make the cake at my wedding. I’m angry that we have missed so many important days together.
  • I’m not angry as much as hurt. I believe I was discarded and sold (that’s the way adoption agency’s work)I was raised in a VERY dysfunctional family and as a result I feel like I can’t speak the truth to my bio-family as to how I was raised, bottom line I don’t think anyone has ever loved me, wanted me, cared about me without ulterior motive. I’ve been alone my whole life. I’m hurt because I people use words like we know what’s best for you, and that’s a lie they know what’s best for them or what they want. And now I lie-to my adopted family, that it’s ok that I was raised by a mother with mental health issues and I lie to my bio-family that I had a childhood(I’m trying to protect them) The truth is I was born alone and will probably die alone and everybody will say they did their best.
  • I was told as a 9 year old when my ‘adoption issues’ first presented, that adoption had nothing to do with any of my issues. A lock step of denial that adoption had any ill effects at all was the party line in my AP’s house after that. My adoptive mother abused and neglected me and my adoptive father did nothing to stop it. Yes I have anger at the adoption industry that continues to profit.
  • I’m angry because I’m in-between two females being my mother yet when I met ones family they all say I look like them and to top it off I can’t have my obc adoptive parents know what lady it is and her last name but will not tell me . I’ve been lied to abused and I’m down right sick of the lies.
  • I’m angry because my birth fathers rights were stripped. In the 1970’s things were much different, but it’s still happening today! This makes me angry. I missed out on a lifetime with him, and my sibling. This can’t be undone, or replaced.
  • I’m angry, because the government does not deem me worthy of having my original birth certificate. Even my dogs have their original birth certificates; I, however, am not allowed to. I would NOT change anything about my life insofar as being adopted, my adopted parents – who were the best parents anyone could have ever have — the only thing I ask for is be treated with respect as a human being – I have the right to know who I am, where I come from and who I come from and my ancestry – I don’t think that’s asking too much.
  • My parents adopted me, and then treated me like shit. People always ask me “Why did they adopt you?” It’s the million dollar question. The closest I could come to was that I was a lemon for them and they had buyer’s remorse. For some reason I still hung on, from the fringes and it wasn’t until I read this page that it occurred to me that I could simply let go and just walk away from the pain of being an outcast in my adoptive immediate family. I haven’t yet let go, and maybe I won’t but it really sucks to feel like you were rejected twice and still feel a connection to people who for all insensitive purposes…don’t want me. It does give me some measure of comfort that at some point, should I chose to I can decide to divorce my family and just be me, not defined by them and all that I endured as their “Mistake”.
  • I’m angry that my adopted Mother was so desperate for a child that she ignored the wishes of my natural Mother. I know she knew. I’m angry that my natural Grandmother was a coward who sent the Doctor in to pull me away. I’m angry at my natural Grandfather who said he’d throw my mom out on the street if she kept me. I’m a angry that there was no advocate for her and me and that it wasn’t anyone her family. I’m angry at the pain she went through, enough to experience the feeling of not wanting to be because I love her.
  • I’m angry because I was robbed of my culture and heritage, and I’m not a transracial adoptee. I was adopted to a couple who were not good parents – they were extreme narcissists who demanded a culture of denial. I figured out early that it was my job to meet their needs (not the other way around).  They allowed a grandfather to sexually abuse me, and although they knew it was going on, they kept that man as a member of the family. Just another indignity an 8 year old had to endure to keep the peace. I was verbally ridiculed and minimized, and physically abused. I kept quiet until I was in my 50s. Now old family friends don’t want to believe it and want to cast me as an ungrateful adoptee. Ungrateful for what??
  • I’d like to add that I don’t thank my biomother for giving me life. I don’t know why this is part of the social myth of adoption. Either have us and keep us or don’t have us, but don’t have us and give us away, and try to claim some moral high ground. Being abandoned and left to strangers creates deep wounds that last a lifetime, and are passed to the next generation. Many times I considered suicide, after all, my history, culture, and identity were killed, what part of me is left?
  • This is the anger talking, which comes from the deep well of hurt we carry. We may be fortunate enough to find our strength and self esteem, but we often don’t feel valued by the world, so our self-worth sucks. I am angry that we have to work so hard to overcome adoption in order to survive and thrive. I’m angry that many of us can’t.
  • I’m angry because a social worker shut down my search when I was 15 by telling me that my biomother probably wasn’t as interested in me as I was in her. Forty years later, I searched again, only to find both parents dead.
  • I’m angry because the loneliness and genetic confusion of adoption is passed down to the next generation when our kids don’t know who their true ancestors are unless we undertake a financially and emotionally costly search that is fraught with obstacles, rejection, and ignorant “experts”.
  • I’m angry because the non-adoption community is so bloody ignorant, yet full of self-righteous opinions. I’m angry because adoption is child trafficking pure and simple, and has become glamorized by Hollywood and the powerful – so that adoptees don’t have a voice.

Can any adopteees relate to these posts?

For any adoptees who read this that would like to be added to this poll, feel free to email me at pamelakaranova@gmail.com

Many Blessings to all, and thanks for reading!

Pamela Karanova AKA @pamelakaranova

http://www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted

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27 thoughts on “Adoptees, Why Are You So Angry?

  1. This is awesome! What better way to educate the world about the truth of adoption than a large group of adoptees sharing their personal experiences on being adopted?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Amen Mary! 🙂

      Another blog post coming that will share how WE as adoptees feel society and our adopters can HELP us through our journeys. What better way for them to learn than from those who have lived it?

      So glad you are here!! ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I applaud this article – some people on social media have reacted by saying that not all adoptees and angry. True not all people are happy, not all people understand adoption, actually many, many people do not understand adoption and many more look at adoptees who speak out and label us as “angry”
    Great piece

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lucy,

      So glad you like this article! It was an eye opener to me to see that so many other adoptees have such similar feelings associated with their adoption experience!

      I know some might say, “Why focus on the negative?”.. Well I feel like we have had to keep silent for far too long and that’s a thing of the past. Perhaps we are striving for CHANGE and if we have to bring up our truth that HURTS that’s what we have to do. How do they think we have felt living it? They get to squirming just reading it. Living it is a whole different ball game. I know you can relate!
      Thank you for being here and for checking my blog out!
      Many Blessings! ❤
      #adopteeloveforever
      Pamela
      http://www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted

      Like

  3. Brilliant post Pamela!

    I joined a discussion on the adoption sub on reddit the other day – a birth mother had regretted her decision to place her daughter from the day she was born 7 months earlier. I commented that I thought it was sad that society actually encouraged women to relinquish their children like it was no big deal and they could move on with their lives when clearly that is not the case. I was told repeatedly that I was simply being negative and that people there were “sick of the negativity”. I could hardly believe it. First off, the adoption subreddit is largely populated by adoptive parents who are of course, staunchly pro adoption so there is very little said there that is negative. After some back and forth it occurred to me that in fact, I wasn’t being negative, I was just being honest, honest about my feelings and the feelings of many adoptees and birth mothers who I know personally. Sure, I’m angry about being adopted, about being born in 1972 when single women were deemed unworthy to keep their children conceived out of wedlock, and I’m angry that adoption is touted as a win win win situation with no regard for so many people who lose everything because of adoption. And I’m also angry that when I express my feelings honestly, I’m accused of just being negative, like that is fun for me. It is infuriating to be questioned every single time I express my views, every time I share my experience – why am I required to justify my feelings, my beliefs, when anyone who talks about how wonderful adoption was in helping them create a family is simply taken at the word?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Erisycamore,

      So glad you are here! It’s interesting that those encouraging mothers to give their babies up have never walked in those foot steps before. Basically offering advice they have never lived with. So sad and these mothers who make that choice have to pay for the rest of their lives. Adoption is a permanent solution to almost always a temporary problem. I had an adoptive aunt I was very close too, and she was one of the baby scoop era women. Her baby was stolen from her in the 60’s. She was 15 when her baby was stolen and on her death bed she was still crying tears about her baby being stolen, even when they were reunited when he graduated from high school and he was by her bedside with her. Breaks my heart that people have no idea what they are encouraging! Her heart was STILL broken from so many years earlier, and her pain was never acknowledged.

      Have you ever known of a birth mother encouraging a expecting mother to consider adoption? I sure never have…

      I can totally relate to being sick and tired of being accused of just being negative when we express our views. I know people share the same view about me, but I am constantly reminded of the bible verse, “Stand up for whats right, even if your standing alone!”. I’m sick and tired of being quiet, and I don’t care what they label me. They are going to label me no matter what, at least I will go down in history known for speaking about something most know nothing about, but have no problem sharing their opinions based on NEVER LIVING BEING ADOPTED.

      I don’t know about you, but I would much rather listen to someone who has had experience living adopted, than someone who’s never lived it, but think they know who, what, when, where and WHY we feel the way we do. I’m tired of people telling me how to feel!

      So glad you are here and know you aren’t alone!

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I am not adopted but I can understand the feelings of being angry. You have every right to know your beginnings and should be told earlier in life rather than at age 30 or 20. It’s not fair that you don’t get a choice. Prayers for those of you still hurting and seeking answers

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    1. April,

      Thank you so much for your support and for validating our feelings! You have no idea how much it means coming from someone who isn’t adopted! I wish more people in my life would do the same, but little by little things are changing.

      We all deserve to know where we come from and to be born without our history being kept secret from us.

      Many blessings to you and THANK YOU for being here! ❤

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  5. What’s wrong with being angry, anyway?

    People get angry about all sorts of injustices, all the time. Why do adoptees have to be any different?

    Anger is a part of life, and while it isn’t healthy to get stuck in perpetual anger, it’s also unhealthy to suppress it. How are you supposed to work through something if you aren’t allowed to acknowledge it?

    I’m tired of having to tip-toe through the tulips for a bunch of emo, self-centred cry babies who don’t want to admit to themselves that things might not turn out to be all roses and unicorn fluffs.

    (Why no, I have never been accused of being mature!)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Flrpwll,

      You are so right. I believe every single reason here are valid reason adoptees have to be angry. Anger is a part of the healing and grief process. For me, growing up being told to just be thankful I was never able to identify my real true feelings. This only happened when I got much older, and moved across the country from ALL my “family”. It was no longer about them, it was about me, and how I feel. This is the ONLY way I was able to gain the courage to dig deep down and acknowledge how I REALLY FEEL ABOUT BEING ADOPTED.

      There is NO HEALING if there is NO TRUTH!! That is the bottom line for us adoptees who have lived with being told lies our whole life. It’s heartbreaking to me that I not only had to discover my truth by FIGHTING THE WORLD, but I had to do it ALONE! And the outcome was even more devastating, because the TRUTH was opposite from what I was always told. LIES LIES LIES were brought to LIGHT.

      Why do we have to be lied to? Treated as if were second class citizens. I will never stop sharing. Ever.

      So glad you are here and always, THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT! So awesome to know I’m not alone anymore! ❤

      And no worries on not being a accused of being mature! LOLOL I love you anyway! #adopteeloveforever

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Stacy-

      Haha.. We all have so much in common! That’s why I started writing. Because I don’t want to keep feeling alone like I live on an alien island somewhere on a different planet. I know so many other adoptees share the same feelings I do. If I can let one other adoptee know they aren’t crazy, or alone my job here on earth is done. ❤ Thank you for being here and reading my blog! #adopteeloveforever

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  6. Thank you so much for this article. As a 61 year old adoptee I have struggled throughout my life with feelings of “not being good enough”, devastation over being left out of (adoptive) family events, and being paralyzed with pain when told “not even your own mother wanted you. One of the most painful times was seeing my children at birth, seeing that that looked like me and always wondering “Who do I look like?” Most people simply don’t understand how that loss of “who I am” can affect you throughout life. The statements of me being so lucky as to have been adopted led to lifelong ongoing acceptance of abuse that took years to understand why I ‘allowed’ the abuse to occur. Understanding does not mean acceptance of how I was raised, nor does it accept the fact that my adoptive mother instilled the belief of my incompetence in my oldest child that has resulted in her total rejection of me. After many years of working on healing many of the issues I have, I married a wonderful, loving man. The only disagreement between us now is my position that when I pass on, I will not have a funeral because I came into this world alone, without clan or kin affiliation and so that is the way I will leave it as well. Those who have come to know me, only know me as the identity that was thrust upon me, not who I really am, so why would I accept their mourning of me? This is being signed with my birth name but not the name that I have been forced to carry my entire life.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lou-Anne,

      I’m so sorry you are having these feelings, and I can relate all too well. It’s heartbreaking,and I’m so sorry of the rejection you are experiencing from your oldest daughter. That’s so not fair. I too have experienced some turbulence with my oldest daughter concerning my adoptive “mom”. She just doesn’t get it. I’ve had to explain to her that she;s old enough to CHOSE who she wants in her life, and I respect that. I need her to do the same. I will pray she changes her mind.

      As for your funeral, and the way you feel about it is something I too can totally relate to. It seems that everything surrounding our living, breathing, and life is all for everyone else. That’s how I feel anyway. I know as a Christ follower, and I’ve given my life to Christ, it’s not my own anymore anyway.. BUT that’s the choice I made. Adoption is the choice others made for me. I had no say so, and for me it’s important that I control as much of my life as possible because everything has been controlled for me. It’s really sad, because no one understands. But I bet you do.. 🙂

      That’s the best part about writing, this place is a healing place for me, and no one can interrupt me and tell me how to feel. Other adoptees reach out, and we share stories, and we know we aren’t alone anymore.

      Name… I decided for my 40th birthday this past August I was going downtown to legally change my name. I prayed, told God I hated my adoptive last name, it never suited me, It had nothing but pain attached to it. So he helped me create a new name, for a new me. I don’t want to put it online, but I would love to share it with you some time. It’s tied to Phil 4:8 & 2 Cor 5:17. Something that was taken from me, I took back. This may be small to some, but to me it was HUGE. We live in America, so I’m thankful I had the CHOICE to create a new name, for a new me.

      So glad you are here, and I hope and pray for healing for you & your daughter.

      I have told my kids, they are the reason I’m alive. I can totally understand where you are coming from on the funeral part. I guess I feel I “owe it” to them to have a small funeral, but for me, I want to be cremated and my ashes thrown over the ocean in Florida. I don’t want “SOME PLACE” where they can all go sit and cry crocodile tears over my grave. Most days I feel I’m just in existence here on earth, for everyone else, not myself. So when I die.. I just want to be erased, just like I was when my birth mother gave me up. The best part is at least those close to me will have memories, and good things to remember, just like they will for you. That’s something that was stolen from us. They are already winning, and they don’t even know it. ❤ Hugs to you! You aren't alone!

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  7. Anger can be bad, but it’s a healthy response to what you have gone through as an adoptee. It’d be more concerning if after all you wrote you said “but in the end I’m not angry” to be completely honest.

    I can’t offer much if anything, but you and every other adoptee dealing with these feelings will be in my heart

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Daniellr,

      You are so right on anger being a healthy response to what we are going through. I believe it’s time we step up and be honest with ourselves and society about how we feel.

      I think of growing up, I had no voice. I wasn’t allowed to share anything about how I felt. Society had the picture painted that if you were just quiet, the adoptee would adapt and everything would be fine.

      That’s a thing of the past, and it’s so important as adoptees that we speak out so future generations of adoptees are able to share how the feel without feeling bad about it. This is why I speak about my journey.

      Thank you for being here, and thank you for supporting adoptees! Many blessings to you! ❤

      Like

  8. as a birthmother, this hurts. But, at the same time, I get it. I was coerced out of my baby. I was told that I was unworthy to parent. I have suffered for years, even though I had an “open” adoption. My son and I have not face to face reunited yet, but I sense that he is angry, and I don’t blame him. we were both lab rats in an experiment called open adoption. I hate what adoption has done to me, what its done to my family, and most of all, that after being promised visits, the open adoption was closed with no warning by the amom ten years ago. The damage that has been done to us, as a result of open adoption is heinous. he may have had everything materially he wanted, but what he wanted most was me. If I knew then what I know now, I never would have let myself get roped into adoption. my son and I have paid dearly.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I think adoption is like a grafted limb: sometimes it takes, and sometimes it doesn’t. I was a rootless and withering limb throughout my childhood.

    I am hurt that I was my adoptive parents’ choice of last resort. I suffered needlessly because their wealth provided cover for the abuses and neglect of my childhood, in spite of a few adults who tried to intervene. I have accepted that my love for them is not mutual. I am grateful for the miracle of love I received from my grandmas and one aunt, even though I was not of their flesh. I am exasperated with the lie that a biological connection doesn’t matter, as I was treated as the proverbial bastard at the family reunion by most of my adopted family. In my adult life, their rejection has been formalized, and I am no longer included among them.

    In my 20s, I met and married as wonderful and kind a man as anyone could hope for. Together, we became parents to two sweet, gifted children. I now have this amazing family where I belong, where I love, and am loved in return. I have dear friends and a sense of community. I finally have roots.

    Several years ago, I made contact with my biological mother. She made it plain that I was to remain an unacknowledged limb of her family tree, denying my existence to my half-siblings, and denying me the name of my biological father. My biological father doesn’t know I exist. I suppose part of me hopes he might be glad to know I exist, though it’s probably best that I hold on to that fantasy, rather than confirm all four of my earthly parents have rejected me.

    So yes, I have a wonderful husband and children. I have a real family at last. I still grieve the rejection of my childhood family, and will presumably bear that hurt until the day the Lord calls me home. It’s okay…since I now have real roots, I am much more resilient.

    Psalm 27:10 Though my father and my mother should forsake me, yet the Lord will gather me up.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I’m writing as an “evil” adoptive parent. My now 8 year old daughter is full of rage. She was born to mentally ill parents (Dad died in a psychiatric prison where he was incarcerated after murdering someone. Biological mother voluntarily placed this girl in foster care and stated she “did not want to be a mother” before promptly having her tubes tied.) None of the biological family wants anything to do with the child, who has mental issues herself. She was placed in foster care until age 4. I find it disheartening to know that something I did out of trying to help, adopting her (I am NOT infertile, by the way), makes me a villain. Am I to be nothing but an object of hatred for my daughter? Should she have been left in the foster system? I only wanted to give her a permanent home. And to all the people who say mentally ill parents should just be given more support, her bio father KILLED someone after he decided to come off his meds. You really want to give him custody of a mentally ill child (if he were to ever be released) and see how he does?

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    1. Why are you using your story to negate everyone else’s story? Everyone has to suppress their story so you feel validated in your special needs child protection placement? Why not hear what they are saying and see that it does not apply to yiur extreme situation? Why the need to invalidate others and make your story the centre of attention? Why not.be silent and let these people who have lived adoption have their say? Do you feel angry and unappreciated? Does your story apply to most unnecessary removals for adoptions listed above? Does a childs need to know and need to have some contact change according to the circumstances of their losing their first family?

      Liked by 1 person

    2. In your dreams, you lying, immoral piece of shit!! My guess is that you are infertile. My guess is that this child is your plaster. If not? why did you feel the need to defend yourself? Liars are liars and you’re a proven liar – only the lies you like to tell are to other people’s children…. Only in your deluded mind does the myth of her being your daughter exist. She’s someone else’s child. And would anybody want to be adopted by a person who is so deluded? Seriously? A person who will teach someone else’s child to delude themselves? a person who will screw up an innocent child’s mental health in order to serve their own, fat gigantic ego? Mum? you’ll never be that child’s Mum. Only through your fantasies, lies, and delusion, do you get what you want, and you’ll BRAINWASH another person’s child in order to get it…You are a child abuser. Period. Take your filthy lies (you are nothing to that child unless you tell yourself lies) and get off a forum that is meant to be for adoptees! Oh, and my name ‘Martina O’Leary’ is my real name. I kicked my adoptive family out of my life the moment I found my REAL Mum (I was 36) – because REALITY has a way of helping you to be REAL! There’s a behavioural pattern that all ADOPTIVE parents share and that pattern is to play themselves as the VICTIMS!! Always!!

      Like

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