How Do You Feel About The Day You Were Born & Why?

“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”- Mark Twain…

Does this quote make other adoptees squeal deep down inside or is it just me? I’ve been seeing more and more of this quote and each time I read it I’m reminded of the 2 most important days of my life and many other adoptees being hijacked, stolen gone forever. It feels like a knife stabs me in the gut each time I read this. I would suspect non-adoptees can’t even grasp WHY this quote would hurt so badly.

Let’s face it… There was no celebration that day. It was dooms day for my birth mother and I. I believe the day she surrendered her newborn baby was the hardest day of her life & I believe that day set the tone for the rest of her life. She died an alcoholic all alone at 63 years old.  I believe the day I was born was the day I experienced the biggest loss of my life, my entire first family and everything to go along with it.

For the day I was born to be one of the top 2 most important days of my life, AND for me to experience the biggest trauma of my life on that day by being separated from my birth mother at the beginning of life is an oxymoron. So this leads me to believe this quote counts for everyone, BUT adoptees.

Does the world truly not see why adoptess views of themselves may or may not be so distorted? We were born into a difficult situation. We’re left to process this alone. We’re expected to celebrate something that should be grieved.

I don’t know about you, but this whole adoption thing is the most backwards experience of my entire life. How can I grasp that the 2 most important days of my life were the day that I was born and they day I found out why? I know why I was born… So I could fill a void in a woman’s life who couldn’t have children. She always dreamed of being called “Mother”. That’s why I was born. I was born because my birth mother had a sister who was deformed at birth because her mother tried to give herself an abortion, but didn’t succeed. This is the only reason my birth mother didn’t have an abortion. That’s why I was born. I was born and handed to strangers because my birth mother wanted to get rid of her problem. Her reminder of her affair with a married man who’s wife was dying of terminal cancer at the time I was conceived.

I don’t feel any comforting thoughts about the day I was born, only tragic. I don’t feel anything GOOD or warm fuzzy about anything to do with that day. I don’t feel HAPPY about being given LIFE instead of aborted. I would have rather been aborted because I wouldn’t feel any of this heart breaking pain day in and day out!  If you walked one day in my shoes and felt what I felt you just might feel the same way, so don’t judge me! I don’t feel great about anything to do with being born on this earth, used for the benefit of someone else. I don’t feel great at ALL about all that was taken from me. There is nothing GOOD to say about anything to do with the day I was born, or the reason WHY.

This isn’t saying I’m not thankful for certain aspects of my life or being born. I’m thankful I was a healthy baby. I was born with all my fingers and toes, etc. But for me to be happy or joyous about the day I was born, or the reason WHY I was born is crap. I had to fight like hell to find out my truth about WHY I WAS BORN. The truth hurt, but at least I found out. Thousands of adoptees will never find out their truth. They will never find out why they were born. Does this make them LESS THAN? It sure makes them feel like their foundation is missing.

Mark Twain- Your quote is crap for adoptees around the world.

That is all. I had to get this off my chest, because if I see that quote one more time I might just scream. How does this quote impact you if you are an adoptee? Am I alone here? Only ranting because this is my place to rant and share my feelings without being interrupted.

I wish I was excited about the day I was born. 

I wish I felt happiness on the day I was born. 

Thank you very much.

Happy New Year ALL!

Pamela Karanova @pamelakaranova

http://www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted

2014 in Review: Adoptee In Recovery

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 2,600 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 43 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Just Listen… That is all…

Each day I wake up, I say a prayer and thank God for allowing me to see another day on earth. Even when it’s hell on earth. I get out of bed, and muzzle through the morning. I play my worship music, I have some time with God. If time permits I do some writing, or journaling. Writing seems to be my escape. I can share my real feelings here, when no one else in the world seems to want to know how I feel. Part of me doesn’t want to share my feelings with anyone in my “REAL” world. I’m afraid it would hurt them, then once again it would be about me worrying about others feelings before my own.  Being adopted, that’s how it’s been since day one.  I’m mentioning this because part of me wishes the people in my life close to me cared enough to want to read my feelings, and the other part feels like I need to protect them. People generally want to start giving unsolicited advice, and I’m just not ready to receive it from those who have no idea how it feels to be adopted. I wish more people would just LISTEN. That’s all I need.

Complicated, huh? I want people to understand me and if they try I will feel like they at least care. I also want to protect them from knowing how I really feel, so I don’t want to share it. I say “Protect them” because I have found that those close to me feel like because I have such deep rooted sadness due to my adoption experience (I have hope it will get better!) they feel as if they aren’t enough to make me happy. In reality, it has nothing to do with them, nothing at all. It has everything to do with losing so much by being adopted.

I’ve found most people who aren’t adopted can’t even comprehend how we feel. They might try, some of those close to me listen to me and I love them for that. That’s really all I need. But generally it’s on my mind every single day. Every single day I keep my feelings locked up in my mind, I pray and ask God for help to get through each day. It’s not easy. This holiday has been very trying. I’m so glad it’s over. I literally had to pull myself away from “Adoptee Land” and stay away from my computer, adoption sites, etc. It was extremely difficult to make it through each day aside from adding extra to it. Holiday’s are full of triggers. I hate the holidays. I found myself putting on a fake smile for everyone around me. If they only knew how I really felt, they would want to leave my like everyone else has. I think that’s a another reason I don’t really want them knowing my true feelings. They would never understand, and they would label me as an angry adoptee like the rest of society. Just so happens my story is one of heartbreak after heartbreak. There really is no happy ending for me. Not when it comes to my adoption story. I just have to learn to navigate through the emotions, even when they come souring like a tsunami. I must  continue to work on healing, sharing how I feel, and moving forward. The hardest for me, is acceptance. I have accepted a lot of my adoption experience. There are so many aspects to it. I kept thinking as I go through year after year of healing, that one day a light was going to click and my pain would be all gone. Or much less than it is now. It’s actually worse since I’ve been living in recovery. My feelings aren’t being masked by alcohol and drugs. They are very real & raw but it’s not getting easier. Treading through the unknown of working through past adoptee abandonment & rejection issues has been scary and some days I want to give up. It would be so much easier to just give up. But my inspiration is my kids, and future grand kids. I want to be a happy grandma for them, and a healthy mother for my kids. Not just on the outside but on the inside as well. Accepting this pain is here to stay was hard. I don’t think I will ever feel whole. Too much was lost, never to return. Too much was stolen, and the beginning of my life was just too messed up to be able to feel normal like everyone else might. What is normal anyway?  Who knows. I just know even after finding all my biological family, being rejected by my birth parents, and closing the door on that chapter of my life I am still a broken woman. Finding everyone was a HUGE success in my journey, but it didn’t end there. You never know what you will find, and you never know how the reunions will turn out. Mine failed. It’s been beyond difficult. I know other adoptees can feel my pain.

Next one up that’s difficult for many adoptees is Mother’s Day but thankfully I have a few months to even have to worry about it.

For those out there who aren’t adopted who might be reading this, if you can just listen when someone adopted is sharing their feelings to you, that’s the best thing you can do. Please don’t try to fix us, or say anything that could be taken the wrong way. We don’t need to hear things like, “Aren’t you glad you are alive and not aborted?” or “You were a gift from God”. Spare us… That only minimizes our pain, and we need our pain validated. The safest place you can be is to remain an active listener. That’s all I need anyway.

I will be writing more later.

Blessings,

Pamela AKA Adoptee In Recovery

http://www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted

I pray God helps me find my purpose in this world.