The Narcissistic Adoptive Mother

It’s amazing to finally be able to put a name to the way this lady is. I’ve always had an extremely difficult time explaining her characteristics over the years and when I do almost everyone I know can’t fully grasp what I’m explaining unless they experience it themselves. It makes it rather challenging to explain WHY I can’t have a relationship with her today but none the less I’ve let go of my need to explain it, unless someone specifically asks.

After doing some research on “Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers” I was overwhelmed in a sort of a good way with the similarities that my adoptive “mother” has with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I say overwhelmed, because finally I’m able to understand better. I needed these answers to be able to put some pieces together as to why she is the way she is. This has helped me gain a better understanding of why my childhood and life was the way it was when she was in it.

Here are some questions that were asked to me and almost every one fits my adoptive mother to the perfect description.

Check all those that apply to your relationship with your mother:

(X)= This is something I continuously experienced with my adoptive mother over my lifetime.

  1. When you discuss your life issues with your mother, does she divert the discussion to talk about herself? (X)- ALL THE TIME!
  2. When you discuss your feelings with your mother, does she try to top the feeling with her own? (X) – 100% OF THE TIME!
  3. Does your mother act jealous of you? (X) YES, IT’S ALL ABOUT HER!
  4. Does your mother lack empathy for your feelings? (X) – ALL ABOUT HER!
  5. Does your mother only support those things you do that reflect on her as a “good mother?” (X) YES! SHE BELIEVES SHE GETS CREDIT FOR EVERYTHING I HAVE DONE. GOD GET’S MY GLORY. NOT HER. SHE DROVE ME INSANE MY WHOLE LIFE.
  6. Have you consistently felt a lack of emotional closeness with your mother? (X) – YES YES YES! WE HAVE NO RELATIONSHIP AND SHE MAKES MY SKIN CRAWL.
  7. Have you consistently questioned whether or not your mother likes you or loves you? – (X) YES! SHE USED ME FOR ENTITLEMENT REASONS, AND FOR ME TO TAKE CARE OF HER AND BE HER SLAVE.
  8. Does your mother only do things for you when others can see? (X)- YES, THEN BRAGS ABOUT IT!
  9. When something happens in your life (accident, illness, divorce,) does your mother react with how it will affect her rather than how you feel? (X) – YES, IT’S ALL ABOUT HER! ALWAYS HAS BEEN.
  10. Is or was your mother overly conscious of what others think (neighbors, friends, family, co-workers)?
  11. Does your mother deny her own feelings? (X) YES BUT SHE HAS NO PROBLEMS BEING OVERLY EMOTIONAL AND CRYING ALL DAY LONG.
  12. Does your mother blame things on you or others rather than own responsibility for her feelings or actions? (X)- YES, SHE’S NEVER IN THE WRONG, EVER.
  13. Is or was your mother hurt easily and then carried a grudge for a long time without resolving the problem? (X)- YES AND I HAD TO PAY FOR THIS FOR 31 YEARS OF MY LIFE UNTIL I ESCAPED.
  14. Do you feel you were a slave to your mother? (X) I KNOW I WAS A SLAVE TO HER! THAT’S THE ONLY REASON SHE ADOPTED ME.
  15. Do you feel you were responsible for your mother’s ailments or sickness (headaches, stress, illness)? (X) YES, SHE WAS AND STILL IS SICK EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE AND IT WAS ALWAYS PROJECTED ON ME AS A CHILD AND GROWING UP. I WAS RESPONSIBLE TO MAKE HER FEEL BETTER.
  16. Did you have to take care of your mother’s physical needs as a child? (X) ALWAYS! ALWAYS! ALWAYS!  ADD EMOTIONAL AND MENTAL TO THIS LIST!
  17. Do you feel unaccepted by your mother? (X)
  18. Do you feel your mother was critical of you? (X)
  19. Do you feel helpless in the presence of your mother? (X) I FEEL HORRIBLE AROUND HER!
  20. Are you shamed often by your mother? (X) NEVER FEEL GOOD ENOUGH.
  21. Do you feel your mother knows the real you? (X) NO, SHE CAN’T POSSIBLY.
  22. Does your mother act like the world should revolve around her? (X) YES, ALWAYS HAS! CENTER OF ATTENTION IN EVERY SINGLE SITUATION!
  23. Do you find it difficult to be a separate person from your mother? (X) GROWING UP, YES. NOW, NO..I MOVED ACROSS THE COUNTRY!
  24. Does your mother appear phony to you? (X) YES!
  25. Does your mother want to control your choices? (X) YES!
  26. Does your mother swing from egotistical to a depressed mood? (X) MORE DEPRESSED ALL THE TIME. DRAINING TO ME. AGAIN ALL ABOUT HER.
  27. Did you feel you had to take care of your mother’s emotional needs as a child? (X) YES! ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS!
  28. Do you feel manipulated in the presence of your mother? (X) YES!
  29. Do you feel valued by mother for what you do rather than who you are? (X) YES! IT’S ALL ABOUT WHAT SHE CAN “GET” OUT OF YOU.
  30. Is your mother controlling, acting like a victim or martyr? (X) VICTIM MENTALITY ALL THE WAY ALL THE TIME.
  31. Does your mother make you act different from how you really feel? (X) SHE DID GROWING UP, NOW I’M MY OWN PERSON AND I CAN SHARE MY FEELINGS SINCE I ESCAPED HER WRATH.
  32. Does your mother compete with you? (X) OF COURSE! IT’S ALWAYS ABOUT HER!
  33. Does your mother always have to have things her way? (X) YES!
  34. A grandiose sense of self-importance (may be shown as an exaggeration of abilities and talents, expectation that he or she will be seen as superior to all others). (X) YES! ALL SHE TALKS ABOUT IS HER SELF!
  35. Is obsessed with him- or herself. (X) YES!
  36. Goals are almost always selfish and self-motivated. (X) YES! IT’S ALWAYS ABOUT HER!
  37. Has troubles with healthy, normal relationships. (X) YES, SHE HAS MY WHOLE LIFE!
  38. Becomes furious if criticized. (X) YES YES YES! SHE TURNS INTO A 2 YEAR OLD LITERALLY!
  39. Has fantasies of unbound success, power, intelligence, love, and beauty.
  40. Believes that he or she is unique and special, and therefore should only hang out with other special, high-status people.
  41. Requires extreme admiration for everything. (X) YES, AND FOCUSES SOLY ON HER SELF.
  42. Feels entitled – has unreasonable expectations of special treatment. (X) YES, AND REFERS TO WHAT SHE’S DONE FOR YOU AS TO WHY SHE SHOULD GET IT.
  43. Takes advantage of others to further his or her own needs. (X) ALWAYS! SHE DOES NOTHING UNLESS SHES GETTING SOMETHING IN RETURN.
  44. Has zero empathy – cannot (or will not) recognize the feelings of others. (X) ITS ALL ABOUT HER!
  45. May be envious of others or believe that others are envious of him or her. (X) ENVIOUS OF OTHERS. CANNNOT CELEBRATE OTHERS EVENTS UNLESS SHE PUTS SPOTLIGHT ON HERSLEF TO STEAL THE SHOW. THIS IS CONVERSATIONS ALSO.
  46. Behaves arrogantly, haughtily. (X) YES! SHE TURNS INTO A 2 YEAR OLD LITERALLY. STARTS POUTING, STOMPING HER FEET, STORMING OFF SLAMMING DOORS, CROSSING HER ARMS WHEN SHE IS TOLD SHE’S IN THE WRONG OR SHE HEARS SOMETHING SHE DOESN’T LIKE.

Note: All of these questions related to narcissistic traits. The more questions you checked, the more likely your mother has narcissistic traits and this has caused some difficulty for you as a growing daughter and adult.

Narcissistic Parent Glossary and Terms:

Narcissistic Attachment: is the belief that the child of a narcissist exists only for the benefit of the parent, such as a particular status.

Parentification: is the expectation that a child must care for his/her parent, siblings, and household as a surrogate parent. This causes the child to lose out on any type of normal childhood.

Infantilization: using brainwashing tactics to ensure a child stays young and dependent upon the Narcissistic Parent.

Triangulation: a tactic used by narcissistic parents to change the balance of power in a family system. For example, rather than allowing two siblings to work together, the Narcissistic Parent insists that he or she be the go-between. This controls the way the information flows, the way it is interpreted, and adds nuances to the conversation. It’s also a way to feed Narcissistic Supply.

Narcissistic Supply: is a term used to designate the manner in which narcissists require, feed on attention. The best sorts of attention are approval, adoration, and admiration, but other sources of attention – like fear – are acceptable to a Narcissist. Children, small children, of narcissists are used as an ongoing source of this attention.

Gaslighting: a way in which Narcissistic Parents (and other abusers) use lies – intentional or not – to make their child question his or her own reality. A child may end up feeling as though he or she is crazy. An example would be, insisting that the sky is actually green, until the child believes it. Gaslighting is one of the most insidious forms of emotional and psychological abuse.

Narcissistic Rage: Narcissists despise any challenge or insult, and when that happens, a Narcissist can fly into a rage – spewing insults and becoming physical and aggressive with their children.

Site Source: www.willieverbegoodenough.com & www.bandbacktogether.com

Let me just say that no matter how my adoptive mom was, I still experienced the trauma of being separated from my birth mother at the beginning of life. So many people say, “Oh, she had a bad adoption experience…That explains it all” Well…….That “Bad Experience’ more like a nightmare began the day I was born. The moment I was swept away from my birth mother and I laid in a nursery for 4 days all alone. That moment I experienced the biggest trauma of my life. That moment my history was erased, my weight and height didn’t matter. My biological roots were a mere part of my past that no one wanted to recognize. I was never supposed to find out where I came from. The moment I was separated from my birth mother I was considered a blank slate. My little body was just in existence, waiting to be formed and molded into what “THEY” wanted me to be. It didn’t matter that I just lost my mommy, the woman who carried me for 9 months in her belly.

The home where I stayed with my adoptive mom felt like I was living in a world that’s almost indescribable. It’s very difficult for me to explain to people all the hell I went through in her home. After her and my adoptive dad divorced when I was a year old, my adoptive sister and I were the center of her world. She wanted to be a mother SO BAD, yet failed to deliver in providing us with a loving home. Everything from day one was about HER. Now that I’m 40 years old and I look back over my childhood I feel as if I was almost kept captive in her home. Formed and molded into what she wanted me to be. She caused every problem there ever was in that home. I never had 5 minutes to JUST BE A KID. Every time I would run off to play, she would shout my name. She had more tasks and cleaning for me to do- EVERY SINGLE DAY! This was the same when I would try to go outside to play, or turn the T.V. on to a kid station. She was so overly emotional, and cried every single day of my life. She was addicted to prescription pain pills, stayed in bed all the time, depressed. Her moods changed in an instant, and she was often suicidal and made sure my adoptive sister and I knew she was attempting to kill herself so we would cry and BEG her not to. I remember being hysterical on multiple occasions thinking she was going to die, including the time she laid in the middle of the street while we watched in horror from our 3rd floor apartment window. I will never forget these things. She made sure we knew all of her adult problems, she talked about everyone, she started trouble between everyone in her family and she absolutely THRIVES ON BEING THE CENTER OF ATTENTION IN EVERY SITUATION!

One of the biggest reasons I lost respect for this lady is because she ALWAYS spoke negatively about my adoptive dad. In my 40 years of life, he has never said one word about her negatively to me, neither has his wife. I was always faced with situations where she was speaking bad about him. He was a great adoptive father, and he provided for us, paid child support, and did all he was supposed to do. I supposed she was trying to gain brownie points for all the negative talk about him but all it did was make me feel even more alone, and worse than ever. She took her personal feelings and made them my business when I shouldn’t have ever known about their issues. I see a lot of mothers do this about fathers, not even in adoption and little do they know it makes the child feel negatively about themselves. That’s their father, you had a child with him no matter how it came about. Kids are NOT responsible for ADULT consequences. She always made her issues our issues. This was a heavy load to carry as a child and I remember this happening as far back in my childhood as I can remember.

My adoptive mom played my adoptive sister and I against each other. We never stood a chance at being sisters, because she always had one of us who was the “Good Kid” and the other was “The Bad Kid”. This created a constant battle field in our home. My adoptive sister (she came from a different family) has always hated my guts because her and my adoptive mom used to fist fight all the time, and I was the odd ball out who was always trying to rescue and comfort my adoptive mom. She would cry hysterical and I didn’t know what else to do besides sit there, next to her and take care of her. I would rub her back, and say “It’s okay mommy, everything’s going to be okay”. Just typing those words makes me SICK TO MY STOMACH. This wasn’t once in a blue moon, this was every single day of my childhood. This created a deep rooted resentment in my adoptive sister because she felt like the “Bad Kid” and I was the “Good Kid”. This is described in the narcissistic information above, and it describes my childhood to a tee. It was hell living in that home.

My adoptive mom was a horrible housekeeper. She couldn’t cook a hot meal and serve it all at once. Everything was always a mess, and her adoptive kids more like little house slaves were in charge of catering to her every need. I remember over and over she would call us from far away to go fetch things for her, and this happened even if she was closer than we were. Yeah, I know. Lots of kids “fetch” things for their parents, but she was overly excessive with it! Every five minutes we were fetching things.

Her life was consumed with us and what we could do for her. If we tried to do what kids do, she put an end to it. We would get up extra early on a Saturday morning to try to watch cartoons, as soon as she would wake up she would make us turn the TV off and she had a list of chores for us to do the size of a poster board. I’m not kidding! This started at a very early age. If we tried to go outside to play she had more chores for us to do, so on occasion we would sneak. I remember the feeling so vividly because we wouldn’t be outside 5 minutes and she would come screaming for us to get in the house, but that few minutes of FREEDOM was the best feeling in the world, even when I knew it was only going to be a few minutes before it was over. Back inside living in hell, serving and catering to this lady who I’m supposed to call “Mom”. When things didn’t go her way, she would tie us to chairs with dish towels. I remember this very clear and I never understood what I did that was so bad to deserve this. I will never forget being tied to those chairs as a little girl. She would make us give her massages, all over her body. She said her body hurt all the time, so our job was to help her pain go away, (even when she was loaded on prescription pain pills). Every single day we had to rub her back, her feet & her legs. She even had us pop pimples & black heads on her back, and this traumatized me for life! She used to lie on the bathroom floor and make us give her enemas. What normal human being makes their kids do these things? This woman is truly disgusting and I will never forget the things she made us do. These things are NOT NORMAL.

Things got rocky when things didn’t go her way. As we got older the fights escalated and got out of hand. Why was there so much fighting going on in this home? I mean physical fighting between my adoptive mom and my adoptive sister AND between my adoptive sister and I. As I’ve gotten older it’s been made apparent to me that this woman never should have been allowed to adopt children.

I sat my adoptive dad down one day a few years ago. I had a heart to heart with him. I asked him “WHY DID YOU MARRY HER?!! WHY WAS SHE ALLOWED TO ADOPT CHILDREN? WHY DID YOU LEAVE US WITH HER WHEN YOU DIVORCED?” I needed these answers!!!

He sat at my dining room table, and held my hand and said how sorry he was. He said she fought him tooth and nail in court to get custody, and all the judge would give him was visitation & holidays. He said that I came REAL close to not being adopted. My older sister was adopted a year earlier, and my adoptive mom had an extremely difficult time taking care of her, and struggled each day to parent her as a new born baby and the weeks, and months to follow. She could barely take care of her. Then they got the call for me. My adoptive dad said my adoptive mom had to go to a psychiatrist before they agreed they wanted to adopt me. For whatever reason they decided she would be able to parent me, on top of a 1 year old so the adoption was granted from a private attorney and granted. I went home with them 4 days after I was born and they divorced when I was 1 year old. I know for certain I could have never bonded with this lady. As much of a basket case as she was as far back as I can remember, I know she was even worse when I was a newborn baby. I’m glad I have some answers, but I wish my adoptive dad would have fought harder to get custody of us!!!

As we grew into our early teen years, things got worse. Fighting got worse, everything got worse. My adoptive sister escaped and went to live with my adoptive dad. I got stuck in my adoptive moms home because I felt sorry for her, and I knew if she was left alone she very well may commit suicide as she had tried this so many other times. She made sure to manipulate us, and she always made it known that her feelings are something we are responsible for. I learned later in life, that’s ridiculous. All the way from being a young girl, I never had a healthy relationship around me and I never had a mother/daughter relationship or a bond. I could never share my feelings with her, because it was ALWAYS about her, her feelings, her drama, & her issues. I was just in existence to cater to her needs, her wants and her desire to be labeled “MOTHER”. That seems the only purpose I served in her life. When I was in my early teens I remember her talking about never wanting to go to a nursing home. She would explain over and over all the “bad things” she saw in nursing homes, and would constantly bring up the fact that she never wanted to live in a nursing home. She mentioned me being her POA, and would throw hints my way over and over that her intentions were for me to be her POA and for her to live with me as she grew into an elderly woman, and then she wouldn’t have to go to a nursing home. As I got older, I realized her speaking about this would increase, as well as all her health issues, sickness, and emotional hang ups. She was sick every single day of my life. I never remember her saying, “I feel great today!”. NEVER! There was always a reason for her to take pills, and stay in bed, depressed. Pills were everywhere lying all over the place. I hated it!

Nothing changed as I got older, and I had kids. She just began to project her misery onto my children, and started to find ways to manipulate my own kids against me. They saw her unhealthy and sleeping all the time. She made them give her massages. They saw her messy lifestyle, with bottles of pills laying all around. It was up to me to save them from what I had to experience growing up.

I’m glad her dreams were fulfilled, at least for 31 years, until I got up enough courage to pack up a 22 foot U-Haul and move my kids and I across the country. I’m 40 now.   This was the hardest decision of my life, because at that moment I knew I had to do this for my kids, not just for myself. My adoptive mom Mommy Dearest was a professional at creating co-dependent relationships, and she thrived on me needing her for different things. She knew I needed her help babysitting, but when I started seeing her treat my kids the same way she did us growing up, I knew I had to come up with an escape plan. I know this may sound dramatic to some, but I truly felt like I had to ESCAPE her WRATH once and for ALL!

I began planning the move across the country. She began to play mind games with my kids, talking bad about me behind my back. I remember the day I loaded the 22 foot U-Haul with no support from anyone in the whole wide world, accept my best friend. I could have never done it without her!! I planned to drive across the country, drop our stuff off in storage, and fly back to pick up my kids. I wanted to talk to them every day so they wouldn’t think I left them or abandoned them. This fucking bitch turned her ringer off and wouldn’t let me talk to my kids AT ALL the entire 3 days I was gone. Finally she answered my call from someone else’s phone, and I let her have it! That was the last straw for me, with her and her sick minded manipulation games. I will never forget it, because I wanted to make sure my kids knew exactly what I was doing, and where I was. I wanted to tell them I loved them every day, but she stopped it from happening.

I have forgiven this lady, but in the process of me forgiving her, I have had to accept the fact that she stole my one chance at having a decent mother. She stole my childhood, and any happiness I would have had as a child. Now, she thinks she has some “Grandparent” rights to my kids. She wants to come visit them, and continue on with a sick and unhealthy relationship with them. Every time she visits, she turns my flipping house upside down. It’s like the devil shows up and my door, and comes whipping through my home like a tornado. It’s insane how ONE PERSON can cause so many problems. After her last visit, she’s not welcome around me, or in my home. She’s a VERY BIG trigger to me, actually the biggest in my life. I’m living in recovery going on 2.5 years from alcohol abuse, and drug abuse for numbing my LIFES ISSUES, ADOPTION BEING THE ROOT! I can’t chance my recovery and have someone in my life whos a huge trigger like she is. My Christian counselor has told me its okay to not have her in my life. I don’t owe her ANYTHING! Now, I have to try to do my best to explain all this to my kids, who ARE impacted by my adoption experience. They are VERY MUCH IMPACTED!

My adoptive moms family has recently disclosed to me that they feel like “SHE WAS BORN WITH EVIL IN HER BODY!.” After discovering I believe she’s suffering from extreme narcissism, and bipolar disorder, depression and an addiction to prescription pain pills It’s has brought me some understanding on how ONE PERSON can do so much damage. If I was to sit and try to have a calm talk with her about all the damage she’s done to me in my life, she would turn into a 2 year old literally! She has never admitted when she was wrong, or made any changes to get help for her behavior. She’s sick, and mentally ill and I have to keep her away from me. The thought of her coming back into my life sends complete and total FEAR into my body. It takes me back to my childhood, and being that scared little girl who needed a mommy, but I was too busy caring for her and her needs, I was robbed of a mother all together but left constantly taking care of her needs. She never adopted for me, she adopted for her selfish desires, and today I have no mother.

Every day I’m reminded of this. When I found my birth mother, I sat and had one talk with her. I wanted for this day my entire life. Her question to me was, “So tell me about your life?”. I remember not having much good to say. I told her my adoptive parents divorced when I was 1. My adoptive mom and I never got along, I was in and out of group homes, and juvenile lock up. I guess she wanted me to share some “WONDERFUL STORY”. But because I didn’t have one, this is something she took deeply to heart. I know because I was told she was REALLY upset that she was promised I would have 2 parents and my adoptive parents divorced when I was 1. If that was the case, she would have raised me herself! She was VERY upset about this, and after this meeting she shut me out and never spoke to me again. I can’t help but try to put myself in her shoes, and feel the shame, guilt and sorrow she must have felt when she learned the life that she had planned to be so much “BETTER” than the one she could give me wasn’t better at all. I was told this crushed her. She passed away, and rejected a relationship with me after meeting that one time. I can’t help but hold my adoptive “mom” somewhat responsible because once again, she stole so much from me. Even the one chance I had at beginning a relationship with my birth mother was STOLEN because my adoptive “mom” FAILED at being a MOTHER!

Where has this left me? MOTHER-LESS! My kids are GRANDMOTHER-LESS. I was forced to make a decision where I felt I had to move across the country from this unhealthy sick human being, and then it leaves us all with constant reminders of what adoption has taken. I have no relationship with my adoptive sister today. My narcissistic adoptive “mom” made sure she ruined any and all chances of us ever being close by playing us against each other all the way back to the beginning of my life. That;s another loss, and my kids have had to experience this loss also. Bottom line, I can’t have UNHEALTHY relationships in my life!!! There is no hope that my birth mother will be in my life, or my kids. Adoption made sure of that.

My adoptive mother fits all these things perfectly.

 Maternal Narcissism

Every single day, every holiday, every minute I’m reminded of what adoption has taken from me. I’m on a healing journey, and more and more is revealed daily. I’m thankful God is revealing it, but I hope some adoptive parents, and biological parents, and adoptees can read this and learn that adoption isn’t all rainbows for some of us! I’m thankful for my blog. I’m thankful for this place where I can share my feelings, even when some of my entries are entirely too long! This is the ONLY place I have to share it. And not one single person in my life, adoptive or biological family reads this place. I don’t think they could handle the truth, and if they did read it I would be left once again defending myself as to WHY I FEEL THE WAY I DO. I’m thankful God has given me my adoptee VOICE. I’m thankful for all of my church family God has put in my life who may not “Get it” but they listen to me, and support me no matter what. I’m thankful for my relationships with my kids, and a very special man I have in my life. They all tell me, that when they look at me they can see my mind never stops racing. If only they could experience the thoughts in my mind for a 5 minute period, they would understand me so much better. I don’t believe there’s any way they could handle it, because almost all the thoughts in my head are FEAR related to my adoption experience. Fear of people leaving me, fear of EVERYTHING! I guess I need to keep reminding myself when I’ve lost EVERYTHING there isn’t much else I can lose, even when it feels like it. You see, even in the middle of living this nightmare of a life I didn’t have any control over, I ESCAPED & I’M THANKFUL FOR THAT! But let me say, I will never be able to be THANKFUL for being ADOPTED. Adoption has stolen too much from me. I hate being adopted with every bit of my being.

 I would have rather had my REAL MOTHER and lived in a CARD BOARD BOX than been assigned to my ADOPTIVE MOM and lived in HELL ON EARTH in her home. IJS!

 Now I have a choice what I’m going to do with all of this pain. God has let me know that our pain is someone else’s gain. So here I am, sharing my journey in hopes to reach other adoptees so they know they aren’t alone. I have so much more to say, but TODAY I have to head out to work.

If you made it this far, THANKS FOR READING!

Let me know you were here and if you can relate to any of what I’ve experienced or my feelings. Did you have a narcissistic adoptive parent? Was it the adoptive father or adoptive mother? Or both? How did this make you feel?

Pamela Jones AKA @freesimplyme

http://www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted

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35 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Adoptive Mother

  1. Thank you for this post. I can relate, not through my parents, but my ex-husband. In my opinion, he was a combination of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. He was EXTREMELY intelligent, manipulative, and charming. Beneath his surface was bubbling, spewing, lava-like rage. The deeper his rage, the bigger was his smile. He scared the shit out of me.

    Towards the end of our twelve year relationship, probably because he sensed I had one foot out of the door, he began examining his relationship with his own father and read a book about children of narcissists. He showed me a list of behaviors (in reference to his father) that someone with NPD acts out. I realized at that moment that HE was the mentally ill one, just like his father, and if I stayed with him I would not survive.

    I was very traumatized by my ex-husbands’ psychological and emotional abuse (gaslighting included). I have forgiven him even though he has no clue of the harm he has caused to so many people, including his daughters. I am grateful that he is not in my life and not my problem any more.

    Your adoptive mother sounds extremely dangerous to your sanity and your serenity. She is who she is and will never change. You owe her nothing. You escaped her insanity and are on the path to healing. This might sound strange, but I am grateful for my experience with my ex. Life with him was pure hell, as was secondary rejection from my natural mother. Both he and my mother are my greatest teachers. I feel that I have been to hell and back, and, like you, found my Higher Power along the way.

    Keep writing and sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. WOW! I’m sure that was horrific.. 12 years is along time! I’d be terrified. How did you recovery from the psychological & emotional abuse? What has worked for you?

      My adoptive mother is very dangerous to my sanity and serenity. You are so right, she will never change. I’ve had to accept this, and move on. The hardest part for me has been accepting this, and letting go of us never having a relationship, accepting I will never have a mother, and my kids will never have a healthy grandmother… I’ve moved away, and moved on with my life but THIS LADY WON’T LEAVE US ALONE! Now she feels like she has grandparent rights to my kids. For me, it feels like I buried it all, and I’m working towards healing and then… SHE TRIES TO RAISE THE DEAD! WHY? I mean I have sat in a support group on Mother’s Day and cried my eyes out because I don’t have a mother, and then this lady has “WON THE PRIZE” in telling everyone I’m her daughter and she just won’t go away. I’m thankful she lives states away, and I don’t have to look at her daily. She’s trying to move to the city I live in ONLY as a manipulation tactic to get closer to me so I can be her POA after it took everything in me to escape HER wrath and it sends FEAR into my mind even thinking about it. I have news for her, she does NOT want ME to be her POA! She should have been committed to an insane asylum YEARS AGO! As I said in my last post, “My Love for my Heartless Birth parents”, I mentioned changing my name, my number, and moving as soon as my kids graduate. I hope to honestly be untraceable to her and all those others who hurt me in this “adoption” nightmare.

      I like when you said, ” This might sound strange, but I am grateful for my experience with my ex. Life with him was pure hell, as was secondary rejection from my natural mother. Both he and my mother are my greatest teachers.” – It’s wonderful you can look at it this way. I wish I was at a place where I can say that. I hope to be able to one day. How did you get to that place? I need help, because at this point I am struggling daily just to make it through a day. I have to hide my pain from the world which makes it even worse. I’m trying… I know GOD uses our hurts for his GOOD, so that’s why I do what I do in the adoptee community. Keep speaking for other adoptees who haven’t discovered their voices yet.

      Like you, i’m also so thankful I’ve found my higher power along the way. I don’t know what I would do without God. Thank you for checking my blog out! Glad I’m not alone and we share a similar canvas. ((( HUGS )))

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      1. It sounds like your adoptive mom is much more vengeful than my ex. What has helped me to let go and forgive him is keeping in mind that people are the way they are for a reason. He is broken because his own narcissistic father was HORRIBLY abusive and cruel to him and his siblings. I also know that his father suffered severe trauma witnessing much bloodshed during the Turkish-Greek war.

        Hurt people hurt others. I’m in no way justifying abusive behavior, I mean, we all have our shit to deal with and taking it out on other people is not acceptable. It also helps A LOT that I have had no communication with my ex for the past ten years. He’s not stalking me like your mother is.

        Your adoptive mother’s behavior seems very irrational. You cannot reason with irrational mentalities. I learned a big lesson from my ex – trying to reason with an irrational person is (my) insanity.

        I, too, am very grateful for this online community. Thank you for your beautiful honesty in your writing and being able to share your pain so openly. Only healing can come from this. Big ((HUGS)) back to you my friend! We are ALL in this big (adoptee) boat together.

        Leave the situation or accept it. All else is madness. ~ Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. The most difficult part for me is this lady stalking me and my children. As soon as I’m at a peaceful place, which usually takes about a year from her visiting she wants to visit again. After this last visit I’m done. She’s no longer welcome in my home. She’ll need to get a hotel or stay with my oldest daughter. I’ll be sitting my kids down eventually and explaining why I can’t have her in my life. They are old enough to understand. I know they may not understand it, but I will ask them to respect it. If they want a relationship with her that’s their choice. But I don’t want to hear anything about the drama she brings.
        Thank you so much for being here and validating my feelings. This is truly one of the very few places I can share my true feelings. Means a lot to know I’m not alone! ! Xoxo♡

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Good luck to you! I can relate although mine had (deceased) narcissistic personallity disorder, she was not quite as bad as what you experienced. What has helped is meeting my natural family. I wish you the best and you are not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Delynne,

      So sorry you had to experience this nightmare. How have you recovered from your adoptive mom?

      It’s done me WONDERS to finally be able to identify it. It was next to impossible to explain the way she is to anyone. This left me trying to defend why we don’t have a relationship, and everyone looking at me like I’m some “Mean Daughter”. Those close to us understand, because they don’t have her in their life either. She literally sucks your life DRY.

      Discovering my truth has helped, but being rejected by almost everyone has hurt, and it’s left me feeling more alone than anything. At this point, (holidays) I’m struggling to get through each and every day, sometimes the hours and minutes are hard to get through. But of course, I put on a smile for those around and keep it moving.

      So glad you can relate, and thank you for being here! ❤

      Like

  3. I don’t want to give too much detail, but I definitely can relate!! My adoptive mom all the way.
    If you have an email, I would love to reach out to you. That way it would be a little more private if that’s okay?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Mgmcrae3,

      So sorry for the delay! It took me a few days to get myself together from writing my last few posts. Do you find writing is a healing tool, but it mentally exhausts you at the same time? I seriously had to take a few day break!

      Please email me at freesimplyme@gmail.com

      Blessings to YOU! ❤

      Liked by 2 people

      1. It’s totally okay, I understand. I find myself deleting and then days later adding the app back.
        It’s emotional and so I guess it is to be expected that it takes us a few days to get ourselves back into the swing of things.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Yes, I can relate. I had a narcissistic, borderline personality disorder (BPD) adoptive mom and a sadistic, narcissistic adoptive father. I wonder how I survived an abusive childhood and how I continue to survive. After my afather hit my daughter when she was 3, I started separating from them. I had 6 years of “no contact’ and those were the best years of my life. It’s so hard because they tell everyone how much pain you are causing them and you get painted as the “bad guy”. I chose to reconnect with them, but my amom passed away within that year. Going on 7 years with her gone…but I still have to deal with my afather, just thinking about him gives me great anxiety, seeing him gives me even more. I am in counseling and trying so very hard. It’s a double whammy to be an adoptee and have adoptive parents like this. You aren’t heard on so many more levels. It’s like slavery. It destroys one’s soul. When we surround ourselves with people who love us unconditionally and can tap into our inner strength, resilience, and acknowledge our losses and see the bullshit for what it is, I think there is hope for us! I know it sounds harsh, but I won’t be free until my abusive afather leaves this earth! Thank you for sharing your story! I have great respect for you! Know that you are not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Jen,

      I’m so sorry you had to go through this. So thankful you have survived but how have you started to heal? If you have been able to? I would go ballistic if one of them hit my child.

      Our stories sound so much alike! I have always felt like a slave to this lady. I get MAJOR anxiety seeing her, and I’m also in counseling and TRYING hard just to mentally make it thought the damage she caused.

      I hate you have to have him in your life. Do you have any more siblings?

      My heart breaks for you! Remember you aren’t alone! ❤

      Like

  5. I’m crying reading this, I never thought I’d find someone who’s life mirrored mine! I just want to reach out and wrap you up in a big hug. Our lives have played out exactly the same!!! I’m just about to pack up my daughter and mines stuff and do a runner from the mother, you’ve given me a lot of strength. If you ever want to talk please get intouch, and thankyou for sharing your story. For the first ever time in 30 years I don’t feel alone in what I’m going through. That’s the biggest gift anyone’s ever given me, thankyou xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Jae..
      Wish I could wipe your tears! The great thing is crying is healing so I’m glad you are able to cry. Some adoptees are so numb tears are dried up, non existing. ♡..

      You may not believe it but I get great comfort in knowing I’m not alone, the same comfort you have gotten finding my blog and knowing you aren’t alone… God is not going to waste our hurt! Never give up! You arent alone. I’m going to respond to your email now and always remember you have a new friend (sister) in me! Praying for you and many blessings sent your way! You can do this! ♡♡

      Like

  6. I found your blog very helpful since I’ve spent a lifetime trying to self diagnose my amother! It’s only been these last couple days that I’ve researched narcissistic behaviours and can say yes to most probably more like all of them regarding her!! I did the running thing and spent the last 6 years without contact with her to try an escape her “CRAZY” and in essence making me feel crazy too! The last straw for that decision was her accusing my oldest son of wanting to kill her!! Totally warped and totally the farthest thing from the truth!! To this day my son wants nothing to do with her or her drama!! I spent those years very angry and bitter but feeling very much alone in this world!! Although I know my bparents, my relationship with them is like an acquaintance! Two years ago my bmother rejected me once again by telling me she was sorry but couldn’t give me what I needed (emotional support/mothering etc) That comment back to me was devastating!! I had shared my heart to her, I told her with tears streaming down my face how I felt like a square peg trying to fit in a round hole and all she could do was shut me out even more!! I’m trying desperately to understand why out of two families I couldn’t get one that was relatively “normal”. I have 3 adopted brothers and 2 bio brothers….wishing I had a sister from one of those families!! But if the truth be known, divorce and my amother keeps my 3 adopted bros separate from me along with my Bio Bros who (I believe) think I’m wacked bc of all the emotions I have with adoption! They have often told me to suck it up buttercup!! There is no validation from any of them so as I’ve always said “I’m an entity all on my own” My struggles in Romantic Relationships have been very damaging with my husband of 14years abandoning us (our 3 sons) while he moved 3 provinces away and begin a new life with another woman! (Yes I’m from Canada but can’t find much adoptee support here!!) My whole life experiences has been hurt upon hurt and if asked Id blatantly tell you Id have rather been aborted then adopted!! Why? because at least Id have escaped a lifetime of pain and rejection that no one should ever have to experience!! Thank you for sharing your story to give me better insight and to help me figure out my amothers behaviours!!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Kimberly.

    So sorry for the delay in response! I truly apologize. So sorry you had to endure such pain! I can so relate and understand so much of it. It’s heartbreaking. It’s so hard to describe to people that haven’t gone through it.

    Making the decision to move far away across the country from my a mother was the best decision I have ever made for me and my kids. I felt so tied down, like a ball and chain having her in my life. She literally sucked the life out of me, and It’s taken all these years to come to a place where I am. I’m still a work in progress, but it will take time for us to overcome what we have. I had to protect my kids from the unhealthiness she brings. She’s so toxic and damaging. Now I can (and do) teach my kids about healthy relationships and setting healthy boundaries, with EVERYONE in their lives. It doesn’t matter who it is… If they can’t be decent I don’t need them.

    The sad part (which there are many sad parts) because I’m adopted (as you are) that is the only grandma my kids would have ever known. So I had to make the decision to move them away so she couldn’t spill her toxic venom on them but in return they don’t have a grandma. Adoption really sucks and it doesn’t stop with us and our hurts. My kids have told me multiple times they WISH they didn’t feel alone in the “family” area. All I can do is apologize and tell them I’m sorry! I wish it wasn’t this way but I remind them we have an amazing church family who loves us unconditionally and we have each other! That’s more than some people have.

    I pray for you and your son, and I hope you find strength to keep moving forward. You don’t deserve what she is spilling out. You deserved so much more in a mother! I don’t know about you, but it’s truly helped me realize what I never want to be like……. I look forward in being a healthy grandma for my grand kids one day! That’s something my kids never got!

    I’m glad you found my blog! We share A LOT!!!!!!!!!!! ❤ Much love!

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  8. I never thought I would hear of anyone with a situation which mimics mine so frighteningly close. All of the same traits in the adoptive “mom”. I moved far away as well..but did it at 22 and never looked back. A few years ago..she tried to re establish a relationship with me..by using my nieces as little pons. I stupidly opened the door just a bit..only to get a big slam reminder of why I don’t have anything to do with her anymore. I wrote a long letter..outlining her abuses and other problems. Also told her to not call, email or write to me ever again. I mailed it to her as well as copies to family members…it felt so good..to finally let people know what this monster was really like. It’s very tough to explain to people why you have no relationship with your family. ( same thing with my sibling..turned us against each other). All I can say is that back in the day (1968)..adoption was a totally different process..a letter of recommendation..two parents..one has a good job.
    That was enough back then. Scarey right? Thanks for your blog and sharing..nice to know I’m not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Danielle,

      It’s crazy to finally figure it all out! I was exactly like you and I started researching NPD and putting the pieces together. Sad as it is, I feel like I had to create an “ESCAPE PLAN” and EXECUTE!
      You have given me insight that I am not alone and ESCAPING was indeed the best decision I ever made. I can’t even describe the feeling to people at the trauma and emotional and mental abuse that was inflicted on me growing up in this home, and when I finally found FREEDOM in moving away not only for myself, but for my kids I felt the biggest weight lift off of me. I will never forget that feeling I felt being around her, having her in my life. I wish I was younger when I escaped, but I was trapped in a co-dependency toxic cycle with her because I really had no way out. I felt like I was packing up leaving an abusive husband and running for my life and my kids lives! You would have a FIT if I told you the crap she pulled while I moved across the country. Maybe I put it in the blog post, not sure… All I know is that moving away was the best decision I ever made in my entire life. If I didn’t do anything else right I did that right. My kids really don’t understand, because they were pretty young when we moved away. Let me see, It was 2005 so I was 30 years old. 30 years of HELL. Omg. So perhaps you can relate to this? It’s taken me all these years to get to a place where I am healing from growing up in such a toxic environment. To be able to understand and know what HEALTHY LOOKS LIKE. OMG I had no idea how healthy looked. How it was to solve problems in healthy ways, and how to maintain positive happy relationships with people… The crazy part, my adoptive dad said, “You came really close to not being adopted. Your “mother” had to have a psychiatric evaluation because she couldn’t take care of your sister (adopted 11 months earlier from dif family) but somehow they passed her so we ended up adopting you but we came really close not being able too! So they adopted me, and my adoptive dad divorced her a year later, and I was raised in that home and stuck for the next 30 years.

      Currently she is still trying to manipulate from states away with health issues, and I am just sick of it. I don’t want anything to do with any of it. I have come to the conclusion that I don’t care if people understand me, or WHY I have cut her out of my life. They haven’t lived my life, but they will respect the fact hat I have chosen to cut ties for my own sanity and my own recovery. SHE IS THE BIGGEST TRIGGER IN MY LIFE!

      Sister, so glad you escaped also. We have to be some strong ladies that’s for sure!!!!!!!!!! You aren’t alone!!!! ❤ Hugs!

      Like

      1. Yes..it has been a relief having cut ties with her ..it’s been 20 years now. So ironic..the timing of our messaging on FB today…I got a friend request from my dad today…(I just joined fb 2 weeks ago..I did not join earlier for the sole purpose of avoiding this..having been adamant about keeping all ties cut). My dad is still married to the p.o.s…excuse for a human. So..I’ll need to decide what to do. B/c this is a path that in just a matter of time will lead back the toxicity. And I will not let that happen. Thank you for your blog and for sharing and putting a light on this very much quiet subject. I have learned that I should not feel ashamed..nor is it disrespectful to call out abusers.

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Wow. Sounds like my adoption almost to a T… I was adopted when I was 6. My parents divorced a year later. The manipulation, along with the emotional, physical, mental, psychological abuse is overwhelming. I’ve been free from my mother for 4 years. I have to see her in the next few months because of a family members wedding. I am petrified…. I really hope I can get to a place where fear doesn’t linger anymore.

    I kind of wish I could talk to you, since you understand.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Marie.. so sorry for delay in responding. Life has been pretty hectic but things are a little back on track. So so sorry you have experienced similar to me! Don’t wish it on anyone. How has it gone since you saw her at the wedding? Has it passed? You can share with me anytime. I’m a great listener ! 🙂

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  10. I read your story today. It was so close to reading my own story with my adopted mom. I had thought I was the only adoptee out there that lived with an adopted mom that was like that. Never good enough at anything. My adopted mom always wanted others to know that she and my adopted dad had taken me in when NO ONE else wanted me. I am truly sorry you had to endure that in your life. But you have helped me in your sharing your story.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Here’s another life wreck and ruined daughter, by who knows what,,,,and people like them can stay out of my next life.
    On top was a partner that was like the same planet both born on, a nasty mum,nasty husband where
    15 yrs protection orders, I knew when I was a young girl my adopted mother was abusive, bully, etc.

    And by God, now I am turning 50 yrs the wrecked life, the many attempts of success being destroyed by them both,
    At least she is dead now, leaving me in shatter over her abuse in her Will, where the violent ex is still alive, and still tryin to cause harm if he can, ,yet I have worked it out,

    And my movement forward relates to what I can make the best off with what life I have left,

    I pray for innear peace, new mind, new sight,,, I AM here on earth not as a punching life bag for heartless, cruel selfish, greedy users and abusers.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I’m shock…it’s as if am reading my story. I was adopted too at 3 months (well my bio parents gave me away) to a difunctionnal family with a mother like yours. As i was reading your story i understood the meaning of being understood by sonebody else. I know that it is difficult to find the words to explain to others. I’m living the separation of my relation with my mother right now and i wish could done it a long time ago…thank you for sharing your story and lets be better mom to our kids 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I really enjoyed your read. I too was adopted by a Narcissistic Personality Disorder mother. Everyone says I should a write a memoir about the antics she pulled and events that took place in my life. She has mellowed over the years and I have created some boundaries with the help of a therapist I have seen over the last 8 years. I often grew up wondering “Why did I get adopted by this family……..?” It felt so unfair and unjust. Why couldn’t I have been adopted by “good” “normal” parents? I expressed this in therapy one day. My therapist said something very profound. He said ” I understand you feel the way you do and why you feel the way you do……but no one gets to choose their parents. Not adopted children or natural born children”. He went on to say there are lots of children born to horrible, abusive, hurtful, harmful parents that feel the same way you and I feel. It did help me put my feelings into perspective.

    Mary Carr and Jeanette Walls both turned their “crazy mother” tales into best selling memoirs. They were in fact, their biological mothers that were just as crazy as yours and mine.

    It is a comfort to know that I am not alone in having a mother with the same disorder as many others out there. This is a great safe place to share stories and find comfort and I am so thrilled you shared your experience. There is a great book that is in my toolbox called “Children of the Self Absorbed”. It’s just awesome and I can’t recommend it enough. It really helped me reframe how I deal with my mother and not take a lot of the things she says and does personally. I just listen to her and I’m like……yep….there she goes…..it’s all back to her.

    I did just recently in the last 2 weeks, stumble upon my birth parents by doing a 23andMe test. They live within 10 minutes of me and I have 100% blooded brother and sister. This is life changing as they all want to be part of my life and mine theirs. This is a super rare occurrence. My biological mother is the most loving, caring, sensitive individual I have ever met. I initially had resentment and felt cheated that I didn’t get the same experience the other 2 children did. I got the opposite. I just stepped back, refocused and thought some people never get it and I have it now. Focus on the present and the future. I am probably stronger as a person for having endured the life I lived growing up. Somehow I just have to hope and believe there was a reason for it all.

    I have not told my adoptive mother I found these people. It will certainly not go well. No matter the preparation, counseling, plan or tactic. It will go badly and be all about how I am destroying her life. I am ungrateful. That is actually how I found your blog. Looking up how to tell your adoptive parents about your biological parents. I’m so glad I did!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Carissa, I was so happy to receive your message. I’m so glad you reached out. I’m so sorry you can relate but please know you are not alone. I can agree with so much of what you have shared. You are right, no one can guarantee a great mother! Adopted or not. I need to research those books you mentioned! I have one “Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers” ( I think) It was triggering to read, as so much is triggering in general. I know you can relate.

      So happy you found your natural family!! Remember this is your life and you control things now. So regardless of how your a mom takes it she can go get her own therapy for her issues regarding the matter. It’s not your problem. (hope that doesn’t sound too harsh!) lol

      I’m so glad you found my blog also!!! 😀 Do you blog? You should think about it. It’s a wonderful healing tool. ❤

      Like

  14. This article is almost speaking words from my lips! My brother and I were adopted at ages 10 and 9 by a lesbian couple. My legal adoptive mother is narcissistic and has bipolar disorder, addiction to painkillers and is depressed. Or should I say, WAS. I haven’t had contact in 4 years, the best decision of my life, ever since she posted on Facebook for everyone to see that she hated me. I survived 12 years under her abuse: physical, mental and emotional. She also attempted suicide many times, and I had wished she had just done it, so I could move on. Her abuse created suicidal thoughts and wishes upon myself. Everyone else thought she was great, but I witnessed her lies and deception. She told us if we called CPS we would never be adopted, but sent back too our former home, which was also abusive but mainly neglectful. Our other adoptive mother was ignorant, just told us to lay low and not piss her off. She never wanted to be a parent, just wanted to make our “mom” happy.
    I have since found my birth mom, learned who my father is. Unfortunately, that was also not a happy ending, since I realize my own birth mom has denial issues and refuses to take responsibility for our being removed from our home. Her stories switch back and forth.
    But it hurts and confuses me when I read so many happy adoption stories and children who are so happy, while some (what are the stats?) Of us don’t get a happy ending at all. No happy ending of an ideal birth family, then another abusive adoptive family. Also what upsets me is the involvement of CPS in these cases. Cps was called at least twice to my adoptive family because my brother told his counselor about the conditions. My belief should be that if CPS is called to an adoptive home even once, for the safety of the children they should be automatically removed. No questions asked. They’ve been in enough trauma…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Jerica- So so so sorry for your pain. I get so many messages like this where adoptees have almost the spitting image of their adoption experience. It breaks my heart! I hate knowing anyone had to experience this!

      I totally get that it hurts reading so many adoption stories and not seeing the happy ones? Only thing I can think of is the happy adoptee stories have no need to come to places like this or be in communities where so many hurting adoptees are because they are in adoptee happy land (FOG) and they have no need. Where many hurting adoptees want to network with other hurting adoptees for validation and to share experiences maybe? It blows my mind as well!

      I totally agree with you about CPS and adoptive children. Maybe it’s just me but I hold a higher standard to adoptive parents. I mean you don’t accidentally adopt a child. You plan it and know what your doing. All the screening they go through to prepare a “Better Life” for the child why are so many abused? I just can’t even go there. It disgusts me.

      So so sorry for all the pain and nightmare you experienced with your adoptive mom! How heartbreaking! I see how our stories are so similar. Did you see my most recent blog post where my adoptive mom passed away over the weekend? ❤

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  15. Thank you for this. My adopted mother has been so terrible to me. She manipulates me, invalidates me, completely disrespects my boundaries and my personal belongings, and not only allowed my adopted brother and father to abuse me, but aided in them getting away with it. It’s so hard to face what she is because she spends all her time trying to seem like a wonderful person and it gets into my head. She volunteers, joins and creates committees for tolerance and human rights. Then, she comes home and treats me like a thing rather than a person. She’s actively participated in anti-bullying programs, going to schools and teaching students and teachers how to combat bullying. But, during my childhood, she not only allowed, but enabled, both my adopted brother and adopted father to abuse me — physically, sexually, emotionally/psychologically. I had my brother exposing himself to me, my adopted father telling me disgusting sexual details of his own sex life, I had my adopted brother stealing from me constantly, trying to murder me with guns and knives, threatening me with them, and I had my adopted father stealing food off my plate when I already got the smallest portion out of all four of us. My adopted mother did nothing but complain how I was “too sensitive.” If I were really “too sensitive,” I wouldn’t have survived. To this day, if I take a realistic perspective on anything, she’ll just claim that she prefers to look on the positive side of things. So, not only am I wrong according to her, I’m being negative, too.

    One of the worst things, though, is the fact that she never makes me feel loved. Not ever. Not once. I can feel loved by a co-worker, a fellow student in school, or even a stranger on the street. It’s a palpable thing when someone cares. You can feel it come off of them the way heat comes off of fire. But, nothing comes off of her. She’s cold and closed and shut off. My former therapist told me that she thought it was amazing that I could even know what love feels like when I’d never been shown it. I told her that it’s a primal thing. You just know. — And, I’ve always known that it was wrong with my adopted family. From the time that I was a small child and my adopted mother didn’t want to play with me because she found it boring (she admitted this outright and even used the word “boring”), to having her neglect to tell me my different ethnic roots until I was much older (I’m part Hispanic, but don’t look it), to never helping me to explore my ethnic roots, to having her force her own religion down my throat, never even letting me learn about the religion of my birth parents…it was always there. I was just some thing that they assumed would be a blank slate that they could just write whatever they wanted on. But, I was never blank. I was a part-Hispanic girl whose birth parents were Protestant. I deserved respect as a human being — respect which they never gave me.

    Now, I’m having so much trouble getting away from her because one of the things that she made sure to do was to treat me like I was nothing enough to hobble me. She didn’t teach me how to do a wash (I had to ask), she didn’t teach me how to cook (I read books to learn), she didn’t teach me how to balance a checkbook (I had to ask), she didn’t teach me how to find an apartment or deal with insurance or do anything that an adult is expected to do (hit the ground running on those and often did horribly just trying to figure things out). She didn’t voluntarily teach me anything other than reading, writing, and cursive. And, the idea now of going out on my own now is terrifying. I have no idea even where to begin. And, the idea of being trapped here with her is like a living death. She’s the worst person I’ve ever known — more concerned with looking good than actually being good, selfish to the bone but refuses to face that fact, and won’t treat other people like human beings unless there’s something in it for her. And, she’ll never admit any of that. People think she’s a saint because they never see the other side of her. But, if she’s so wonderful, why can’t she stand whenever I succeed? Any time I’ve gotten an award, she’s either used it as a bragging point as if it were her accomplishment, not mine, or she’s angrily mentioned it as if she can’t stand to see me succeed. All this is why I wish there were a book to teach people like us how to do adult things. We shouldn’t be doomed to stay any longer than we have to with vicious people like this.

    The one thing that seems almost strangely poetic is that my adopted mother couldn’t have children. Even nature didn’t want her to have kids. She subsequently got a hysterectomy. It always seemed like a metaphor…like she just never had a functional organ to ensure that a child could be safe or nourished or loved. Maybe other women with this issue are capable of loving and nourishing children, but not her. She was, behaviorally, exactly what she was biologically — barren. I wish the people who placed me with her had deigned to check on me. I was a happy child that ended up diagnosed with depression at age 9 because of all the abuse. No child should ever have to go through that…

    Anyway, thank you for your story and for your understanding. It helps to know that I’m not alone and that I’m not imagining things…especially when I’m being told that I’m imagining things and that I’m “too sensitive” all the time. So, thank you for that.

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    1. Oh Liv, I could have written every word of that and I feel every ounce of your pain. We had the exact same experience almost, but believe me when I tell you that you CAN manage and cope by yourself. My “mother” also made me believe I couldn’t cope, because she showed me and taught me nothing and told me I was useless and stupid. But I somehow did it and also moved miles away with my own child and created a wonderful life for ourselves, and every day I’m amazed lol. But we’re stronger than they ever gave us credit for, you and I. So never doubt yourself lovely, you’re a tough cookie to come this far and you can do whatever you set your mind to. Big hugs to you xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you, Jay. Your words mean so much to me. I’m sure you know how impossible it feels when you’re stuck in it. It makes all the difference knowing someone with such a similar experience got out and is living a wonderful life. I can’t wait to live just one day where my heart feels safe and I can spread my wings without worrying they’ll be crushed by someone. Knowing you made it gives me hope that can happen. Thank you for that. I’ll carry your words with me on my journey. Many hugs, from my heart to yours, xxx Liv

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Hi Liv, So so sorry for delay in responding! I apologize, it usually doesn’t take me this long.

      WOW WOW WOW! Our stories are so similar!!!!!!!!!!!! So sorry for your life of pain, and all you have experienced. You certainly have deserved far more than what you received in all areas. I hope you can escape somehow and at least as you learn to live your life and learn who you really are you will be free from her. Is that possible? We really don’t owe them anything. I had to move across the country to escape. I’m the black sheep because of it and I don’t expect anyone to understand it because they haven’t walked in my shoes, like they haven’t walked in yours. So sorry you never felt loved. Some people have no business having children, let alone adopting them. What happened to your adoptive mother to make her this way? Does she have mental illness along with a boat load of other issues? Lord have mercy, you have been through so much. It’s a miracle you are alive you know!!!????? ❤

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  16. I know what it’s like…I was adopted too and swept away from Germany where adopted from and nobody ever learned what those people did. That horrible man and woman did whatever they wanted to me, and nobody even knew. They were both “Beautiful people” who tormented me my entire life…Narcisstic? You have no clue, but yet you do…I read your story thought “Holy S**#”, there’s someone with a worse story than mine. Imagine a German girl with blonde hair, dark eyes, adopted by American Italian family…Once back in the States, the family members realized I wasn’t of their kind…I could get a tan, but heaven forbid, jovial child, I wasn’t allowed to play with any other children. I KNOW YOUR PAIN! It’s like you never belonged, and nobody cared except for their own gain. Nobody who adopted me ever did a kind thing for me ever..I loved them all and they stole when I became successful TOTALLY ON MY OWN many years later, with no support and crapped on me all my life and all I wanted was to be loved and accepted as being a good person and I was..Now, years and many years later, I realize I was nothing but someone they used..I pray these people with such hatred in their heart pay for it dearly in the next life….And I’m not vengeful, just knowing the hatred they gave, and playing on that we/you/I had no family heritage was their game to make us weak..and they knew it….They knew it absolutely. Without family heritage, no common ground/history and no background to make strength by family bindings leaves us lost. I wish this upon no one. My stepbrothers could do whatever they wanted…and my adopted father said nothing…never ever cared. I managed to actually keep my virginity until nearly 20, and only because I learned how to play with their parts very well. And I flew but now, I am so very tired…lived for decency and learned people use adoption as a card in the deck….I pray our next lives will not be of this pain and that those people will pay for it dearly…and yet, knowing you and me, we will forgive…but I will not let it go lightly what they did…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Erika,

      So sorry for delay! I’ve been out of town which I will blog about soon.

      WOW WOW WOW at what you have shared here and how much I can resonate with it. So sorry for your pain and I’m so glad you were able to escape to work towards a better life for yourself. It’s so sad and disheartening how it has all played out. I’m sure you can relate but it feels as if we are still orphans who lost it all, not only once but twice… No one gets it unless they have lived it.
      I’m so glad you reached out to me and please believe you are not alone! ❤

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