Somewhere Out There..

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This picture totally hit home for me…

I share quite frequently how much the SKY means to me. It’s the closest thing I ever had to my birth mothers love and comfort and as a little girl the sky brought me that closeness I always desired to have with her even when she was so far away.

I remember having a deep desire to have her close to me… But where was she? I remember searching for her everywhere I went.

I was visiting my adoptive aunt when I was about 5 years old, not long after I found out I was adopted. I remember feeling so out of place as I usually did and this particular day I was feeling an “extra” deep sense of sadness longing for my birth mother. I just wanted her close to me. I remember taking off walking out the door with the intentions to never return. My plan was that either my birth mother would find me OR the police would find me and return me to the right person, my real mommy. I remember thinking “They have to know who my real mommy is so they can return me to her.” I walked blocks which seemed like miles for a 5 year old. I remember a woman approached me asking me where I was headed and soon after the police were called but instead of being returned to my birth mother,  my adoptive mother was contacted and she arrived to pick me up. I didn’t dare express what the shenanigans was all about. She wouldn’t understand anyway. She scolded me for “running away” and told me to never do it again. I suffered in silence because no one understood my pain.

From that moment forward I remember always wanting to be outside because the SKY brought me something special. Something I wasn’t able to get anywhere else, not even from the woman that adopted me. Day after day I dreamed of the woman that gave me life. I longed for her touch, her words, her comfort. I fantasized what she may look like and smell like. What were her favorite things in life? What kind of personality did she have?  Did I take after her and look like her? Was she tall and skinny like me? I would almost always daydream about my birth mother but almost always I was staring at the SKY when this would happen. It brought me a sense of peace knowing my birth mother was somewhere out there under the same sky I was.

The sky was my baby blanket. It was my comforter. Through my childhood the SKY gave me hope that one day my birth mother was going to come find me. I never gave up on this hope as a little girl.

Once I reached my teen years It was made apparent to me that my expectations were based on a false hope, and I became angry & mad at the world. I became hopeless and I felt as if my birth mother didn’t really love me because if she did she would have come to find me. This discovery was the biggest heartache of my life. Of all the people who love you in this world, your MOTHER should be #1 on the top of your list. Your MOTHER loves you the most and unconditionally when everyone else fails you. Your MOTHER teaches you everything you know and she’s supposed to be your best friend and someone you run to when you need advice and encouragement. But not my M O T H E R…

She passed me over to strangers…
She didn’t want a relationship with me…
She didn’t want to get to know me…
She didn’t love me or she would have wanted me in her life…
She died not even acknowledging me as her daughter. I didn’t count for ANYTHING. ..

I’ve had to accept this. But sugar coating the truth ONLY prolonged my chance to heal. I have a VERY hard time accepting the fact that PEOPLE stood in the way of my healing all by holding my TRUTH HOSTAGE. Who on earth can truthfully say that it’s okay to withhold information about an adoptees HISTORY?

But now as a 40 year old woman I’m living my life for me and my kids. The pain is still there…But my love for the sky is stronger than ever. As a Christian woman, I believe God reveals us things through the sky. Looking back over my life I believe all the way back to being that 5 year old little girl God was speaking to me through the sky. It was HIM providing me with all the comfort I was experiencing. It wasn’t just a coincidence. I wholeheartedly believe his comfort and love is what was shining down on me. Every time I look at the SKY I’m reminded of all those years as a little girl, dreaming of my birth mother and the SKY bringing me comfort when nothing else in this world could. It still think of my birth mother looking at the beauty in the SKY but now the hope is gone, faded into the day or night. The hope died when my birth mother died.
Now I’m reminded that no matter what life’s circumstances bring us GOD’S LOVE continues forever and ever. His love is the love that’s unconditional & he loves us with no conditions.  It’s the beginning and the end. It expands to every depth of our lives no matter what our earthly parents choose. Today, looking at the SKY I have a different kind of hope. The kind input in God and he’s the ONE PERSON WHO’S NEVER LET ME DOWN. That’s a comforting thought and brings me peace.

GOD KNEW MY HEART ALL THOSE YEARS AND HE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED.

I WILL ALWAYS LOVE THE SKY BECAUSE IT WAS MY FIRST LOVE. ♡

Here are some pictures I’ve taken of the sky..

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