The Narcissistic Adoptive Mother

It’s amazing to finally be able to put a name to the way this lady is. I’ve always had an extremely difficult time explaining her characteristics over the years and when I do almost everyone I know can’t fully grasp what I’m explaining unless they experience it themselves. It makes it rather challenging to explain WHY I can’t have a relationship with her today but none the less I’ve let go of my need to explain it, unless someone specifically asks.

After doing some research on “Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers” I was overwhelmed in a sort of a good way with the similarities that my adoptive “mother” has with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I say overwhelmed, because finally I’m able to understand better. I needed these answers to be able to put some pieces together as to why she is the way she is. This has helped me gain a better understanding of why my childhood and life was the way it was when she was in it.

Here are some questions that were asked to me and almost every one fits my adoptive mother to the perfect description.

Check all those that apply to your relationship with your mother:

(X)= This is something I continuously experienced with my adoptive mother over my lifetime.

  1. When you discuss your life issues with your mother, does she divert the discussion to talk about herself? (X)- ALL THE TIME!
  2. When you discuss your feelings with your mother, does she try to top the feeling with her own? (X) – 100% OF THE TIME!
  3. Does your mother act jealous of you? (X) YES, IT’S ALL ABOUT HER!
  4. Does your mother lack empathy for your feelings? (X) – ALL ABOUT HER!
  5. Does your mother only support those things you do that reflect on her as a “good mother?” (X) YES! SHE BELIEVES SHE GETS CREDIT FOR EVERYTHING I HAVE DONE. GOD GET’S MY GLORY. NOT HER. SHE DROVE ME INSANE MY WHOLE LIFE.
  6. Have you consistently felt a lack of emotional closeness with your mother? (X) – YES YES YES! WE HAVE NO RELATIONSHIP AND SHE MAKES MY SKIN CRAWL.
  7. Have you consistently questioned whether or not your mother likes you or loves you? – (X) YES! SHE USED ME FOR ENTITLEMENT REASONS, AND FOR ME TO TAKE CARE OF HER AND BE HER SLAVE.
  8. Does your mother only do things for you when others can see? (X)- YES, THEN BRAGS ABOUT IT!
  9. When something happens in your life (accident, illness, divorce,) does your mother react with how it will affect her rather than how you feel? (X) – YES, IT’S ALL ABOUT HER! ALWAYS HAS BEEN.
  10. Is or was your mother overly conscious of what others think (neighbors, friends, family, co-workers)?
  11. Does your mother deny her own feelings? (X) YES BUT SHE HAS NO PROBLEMS BEING OVERLY EMOTIONAL AND CRYING ALL DAY LONG.
  12. Does your mother blame things on you or others rather than own responsibility for her feelings or actions? (X)- YES, SHE’S NEVER IN THE WRONG, EVER.
  13. Is or was your mother hurt easily and then carried a grudge for a long time without resolving the problem? (X)- YES AND I HAD TO PAY FOR THIS FOR 31 YEARS OF MY LIFE UNTIL I ESCAPED.
  14. Do you feel you were a slave to your mother? (X) I KNOW I WAS A SLAVE TO HER! THAT’S THE ONLY REASON SHE ADOPTED ME.
  15. Do you feel you were responsible for your mother’s ailments or sickness (headaches, stress, illness)? (X) YES, SHE WAS AND STILL IS SICK EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE AND IT WAS ALWAYS PROJECTED ON ME AS A CHILD AND GROWING UP. I WAS RESPONSIBLE TO MAKE HER FEEL BETTER.
  16. Did you have to take care of your mother’s physical needs as a child? (X) ALWAYS! ALWAYS! ALWAYS!  ADD EMOTIONAL AND MENTAL TO THIS LIST!
  17. Do you feel unaccepted by your mother? (X)
  18. Do you feel your mother was critical of you? (X)
  19. Do you feel helpless in the presence of your mother? (X) I FEEL HORRIBLE AROUND HER!
  20. Are you shamed often by your mother? (X) NEVER FEEL GOOD ENOUGH.
  21. Do you feel your mother knows the real you? (X) NO, SHE CAN’T POSSIBLY.
  22. Does your mother act like the world should revolve around her? (X) YES, ALWAYS HAS! CENTER OF ATTENTION IN EVERY SINGLE SITUATION!
  23. Do you find it difficult to be a separate person from your mother? (X) GROWING UP, YES. NOW, NO..I MOVED ACROSS THE COUNTRY!
  24. Does your mother appear phony to you? (X) YES!
  25. Does your mother want to control your choices? (X) YES!
  26. Does your mother swing from egotistical to a depressed mood? (X) MORE DEPRESSED ALL THE TIME. DRAINING TO ME. AGAIN ALL ABOUT HER.
  27. Did you feel you had to take care of your mother’s emotional needs as a child? (X) YES! ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS!
  28. Do you feel manipulated in the presence of your mother? (X) YES!
  29. Do you feel valued by mother for what you do rather than who you are? (X) YES! IT’S ALL ABOUT WHAT SHE CAN “GET” OUT OF YOU.
  30. Is your mother controlling, acting like a victim or martyr? (X) VICTIM MENTALITY ALL THE WAY ALL THE TIME.
  31. Does your mother make you act different from how you really feel? (X) SHE DID GROWING UP, NOW I’M MY OWN PERSON AND I CAN SHARE MY FEELINGS SINCE I ESCAPED HER WRATH.
  32. Does your mother compete with you? (X) OF COURSE! IT’S ALWAYS ABOUT HER!
  33. Does your mother always have to have things her way? (X) YES!
  34. A grandiose sense of self-importance (may be shown as an exaggeration of abilities and talents, expectation that he or she will be seen as superior to all others). (X) YES! ALL SHE TALKS ABOUT IS HER SELF!
  35. Is obsessed with him- or herself. (X) YES!
  36. Goals are almost always selfish and self-motivated. (X) YES! IT’S ALWAYS ABOUT HER!
  37. Has troubles with healthy, normal relationships. (X) YES, SHE HAS MY WHOLE LIFE!
  38. Becomes furious if criticized. (X) YES YES YES! SHE TURNS INTO A 2 YEAR OLD LITERALLY!
  39. Has fantasies of unbound success, power, intelligence, love, and beauty.
  40. Believes that he or she is unique and special, and therefore should only hang out with other special, high-status people.
  41. Requires extreme admiration for everything. (X) YES, AND FOCUSES SOLY ON HER SELF.
  42. Feels entitled – has unreasonable expectations of special treatment. (X) YES, AND REFERS TO WHAT SHE’S DONE FOR YOU AS TO WHY SHE SHOULD GET IT.
  43. Takes advantage of others to further his or her own needs. (X) ALWAYS! SHE DOES NOTHING UNLESS SHES GETTING SOMETHING IN RETURN.
  44. Has zero empathy – cannot (or will not) recognize the feelings of others. (X) ITS ALL ABOUT HER!
  45. May be envious of others or believe that others are envious of him or her. (X) ENVIOUS OF OTHERS. CANNNOT CELEBRATE OTHERS EVENTS UNLESS SHE PUTS SPOTLIGHT ON HERSLEF TO STEAL THE SHOW. THIS IS CONVERSATIONS ALSO.
  46. Behaves arrogantly, haughtily. (X) YES! SHE TURNS INTO A 2 YEAR OLD LITERALLY. STARTS POUTING, STOMPING HER FEET, STORMING OFF SLAMMING DOORS, CROSSING HER ARMS WHEN SHE IS TOLD SHE’S IN THE WRONG OR SHE HEARS SOMETHING SHE DOESN’T LIKE.

Note: All of these questions related to narcissistic traits. The more questions you checked, the more likely your mother has narcissistic traits and this has caused some difficulty for you as a growing daughter and adult.

Narcissistic Parent Glossary and Terms:

Narcissistic Attachment: is the belief that the child of a narcissist exists only for the benefit of the parent, such as a particular status.

Parentification: is the expectation that a child must care for his/her parent, siblings, and household as a surrogate parent. This causes the child to lose out on any type of normal childhood.

Infantilization: using brainwashing tactics to ensure a child stays young and dependent upon the Narcissistic Parent.

Triangulation: a tactic used by narcissistic parents to change the balance of power in a family system. For example, rather than allowing two siblings to work together, the Narcissistic Parent insists that he or she be the go-between. This controls the way the information flows, the way it is interpreted, and adds nuances to the conversation. It’s also a way to feed Narcissistic Supply.

Narcissistic Supply: is a term used to designate the manner in which narcissists require, feed on attention. The best sorts of attention are approval, adoration, and admiration, but other sources of attention – like fear – are acceptable to a Narcissist. Children, small children, of narcissists are used as an ongoing source of this attention.

Gaslighting: a way in which Narcissistic Parents (and other abusers) use lies – intentional or not – to make their child question his or her own reality. A child may end up feeling as though he or she is crazy. An example would be, insisting that the sky is actually green, until the child believes it. Gaslighting is one of the most insidious forms of emotional and psychological abuse.

Narcissistic Rage: Narcissists despise any challenge or insult, and when that happens, a Narcissist can fly into a rage – spewing insults and becoming physical and aggressive with their children.

Site Source: www.willieverbegoodenough.com & www.bandbacktogether.com

Let me just say that no matter how my adoptive mom was, I still experienced the trauma of being separated from my birth mother at the beginning of life. So many people say, “Oh, she had a bad adoption experience…That explains it all” Well…….That “Bad Experience’ more like a nightmare began the day I was born. The moment I was swept away from my birth mother and I laid in a nursery for 4 days all alone. That moment I experienced the biggest trauma of my life. That moment my history was erased, my weight and height didn’t matter. My biological roots were a mere part of my past that no one wanted to recognize. I was never supposed to find out where I came from. The moment I was separated from my birth mother I was considered a blank slate. My little body was just in existence, waiting to be formed and molded into what “THEY” wanted me to be. It didn’t matter that I just lost my mommy, the woman who carried me for 9 months in her belly.

The home where I stayed with my adoptive mom felt like I was living in a world that’s almost indescribable. It’s very difficult for me to explain to people all the hell I went through in her home. After her and my adoptive dad divorced when I was a year old, my adoptive sister and I were the center of her world. She wanted to be a mother SO BAD, yet failed to deliver in providing us with a loving home. Everything from day one was about HER. Now that I’m 40 years old and I look back over my childhood I feel as if I was almost kept captive in her home. Formed and molded into what she wanted me to be. She caused every problem there ever was in that home. I never had 5 minutes to JUST BE A KID. Every time I would run off to play, she would shout my name. She had more tasks and cleaning for me to do- EVERY SINGLE DAY! This was the same when I would try to go outside to play, or turn the T.V. on to a kid station. She was so overly emotional, and cried every single day of my life. She was addicted to prescription pain pills, stayed in bed all the time, depressed. Her moods changed in an instant, and she was often suicidal and made sure my adoptive sister and I knew she was attempting to kill herself so we would cry and BEG her not to. I remember being hysterical on multiple occasions thinking she was going to die, including the time she laid in the middle of the street while we watched in horror from our 3rd floor apartment window. I will never forget these things. She made sure we knew all of her adult problems, she talked about everyone, she started trouble between everyone in her family and she absolutely THRIVES ON BEING THE CENTER OF ATTENTION IN EVERY SITUATION!

One of the biggest reasons I lost respect for this lady is because she ALWAYS spoke negatively about my adoptive dad. In my 40 years of life, he has never said one word about her negatively to me, neither has his wife. I was always faced with situations where she was speaking bad about him. He was a great adoptive father, and he provided for us, paid child support, and did all he was supposed to do. I supposed she was trying to gain brownie points for all the negative talk about him but all it did was make me feel even more alone, and worse than ever. She took her personal feelings and made them my business when I shouldn’t have ever known about their issues. I see a lot of mothers do this about fathers, not even in adoption and little do they know it makes the child feel negatively about themselves. That’s their father, you had a child with him no matter how it came about. Kids are NOT responsible for ADULT consequences. She always made her issues our issues. This was a heavy load to carry as a child and I remember this happening as far back in my childhood as I can remember.

My adoptive mom played my adoptive sister and I against each other. We never stood a chance at being sisters, because she always had one of us who was the “Good Kid” and the other was “The Bad Kid”. This created a constant battle field in our home. My adoptive sister (she came from a different family) has always hated my guts because her and my adoptive mom used to fist fight all the time, and I was the odd ball out who was always trying to rescue and comfort my adoptive mom. She would cry hysterical and I didn’t know what else to do besides sit there, next to her and take care of her. I would rub her back, and say “It’s okay mommy, everything’s going to be okay”. Just typing those words makes me SICK TO MY STOMACH. This wasn’t once in a blue moon, this was every single day of my childhood. This created a deep rooted resentment in my adoptive sister because she felt like the “Bad Kid” and I was the “Good Kid”. This is described in the narcissistic information above, and it describes my childhood to a tee. It was hell living in that home.

My adoptive mom was a horrible housekeeper. She couldn’t cook a hot meal and serve it all at once. Everything was always a mess, and her adoptive kids more like little house slaves were in charge of catering to her every need. I remember over and over she would call us from far away to go fetch things for her, and this happened even if she was closer than we were. Yeah, I know. Lots of kids “fetch” things for their parents, but she was overly excessive with it! Every five minutes we were fetching things.

Her life was consumed with us and what we could do for her. If we tried to do what kids do, she put an end to it. We would get up extra early on a Saturday morning to try to watch cartoons, as soon as she would wake up she would make us turn the TV off and she had a list of chores for us to do the size of a poster board. I’m not kidding! This started at a very early age. If we tried to go outside to play she had more chores for us to do, so on occasion we would sneak. I remember the feeling so vividly because we wouldn’t be outside 5 minutes and she would come screaming for us to get in the house, but that few minutes of FREEDOM was the best feeling in the world, even when I knew it was only going to be a few minutes before it was over. Back inside living in hell, serving and catering to this lady who I’m supposed to call “Mom”. When things didn’t go her way, she would tie us to chairs with dish towels. I remember this very clear and I never understood what I did that was so bad to deserve this. I will never forget being tied to those chairs as a little girl. She would make us give her massages, all over her body. She said her body hurt all the time, so our job was to help her pain go away, (even when she was loaded on prescription pain pills). Every single day we had to rub her back, her feet & her legs. She even had us pop pimples & black heads on her back, and this traumatized me for life! She used to lie on the bathroom floor and make us give her enemas. What normal human being makes their kids do these things? This woman is truly disgusting and I will never forget the things she made us do. These things are NOT NORMAL.

Things got rocky when things didn’t go her way. As we got older the fights escalated and got out of hand. Why was there so much fighting going on in this home? I mean physical fighting between my adoptive mom and my adoptive sister AND between my adoptive sister and I. As I’ve gotten older it’s been made apparent to me that this woman never should have been allowed to adopt children.

I sat my adoptive dad down one day a few years ago. I had a heart to heart with him. I asked him “WHY DID YOU MARRY HER?!! WHY WAS SHE ALLOWED TO ADOPT CHILDREN? WHY DID YOU LEAVE US WITH HER WHEN YOU DIVORCED?” I needed these answers!!!

He sat at my dining room table, and held my hand and said how sorry he was. He said she fought him tooth and nail in court to get custody, and all the judge would give him was visitation & holidays. He said that I came REAL close to not being adopted. My older sister was adopted a year earlier, and my adoptive mom had an extremely difficult time taking care of her, and struggled each day to parent her as a new born baby and the weeks, and months to follow. She could barely take care of her. Then they got the call for me. My adoptive dad said my adoptive mom had to go to a psychiatrist before they agreed they wanted to adopt me. For whatever reason they decided she would be able to parent me, on top of a 1 year old so the adoption was granted from a private attorney and granted. I went home with them 4 days after I was born and they divorced when I was 1 year old. I know for certain I could have never bonded with this lady. As much of a basket case as she was as far back as I can remember, I know she was even worse when I was a newborn baby. I’m glad I have some answers, but I wish my adoptive dad would have fought harder to get custody of us!!!

As we grew into our early teen years, things got worse. Fighting got worse, everything got worse. My adoptive sister escaped and went to live with my adoptive dad. I got stuck in my adoptive moms home because I felt sorry for her, and I knew if she was left alone she very well may commit suicide as she had tried this so many other times. She made sure to manipulate us, and she always made it known that her feelings are something we are responsible for. I learned later in life, that’s ridiculous. All the way from being a young girl, I never had a healthy relationship around me and I never had a mother/daughter relationship or a bond. I could never share my feelings with her, because it was ALWAYS about her, her feelings, her drama, & her issues. I was just in existence to cater to her needs, her wants and her desire to be labeled “MOTHER”. That seems the only purpose I served in her life. When I was in my early teens I remember her talking about never wanting to go to a nursing home. She would explain over and over all the “bad things” she saw in nursing homes, and would constantly bring up the fact that she never wanted to live in a nursing home. She mentioned me being her POA, and would throw hints my way over and over that her intentions were for me to be her POA and for her to live with me as she grew into an elderly woman, and then she wouldn’t have to go to a nursing home. As I got older, I realized her speaking about this would increase, as well as all her health issues, sickness, and emotional hang ups. She was sick every single day of my life. I never remember her saying, “I feel great today!”. NEVER! There was always a reason for her to take pills, and stay in bed, depressed. Pills were everywhere lying all over the place. I hated it!

Nothing changed as I got older, and I had kids. She just began to project her misery onto my children, and started to find ways to manipulate my own kids against me. They saw her unhealthy and sleeping all the time. She made them give her massages. They saw her messy lifestyle, with bottles of pills laying all around. It was up to me to save them from what I had to experience growing up.

I’m glad her dreams were fulfilled, at least for 31 years, until I got up enough courage to pack up a 22 foot U-Haul and move my kids and I across the country. I’m 40 now.   This was the hardest decision of my life, because at that moment I knew I had to do this for my kids, not just for myself. My adoptive mom Mommy Dearest was a professional at creating co-dependent relationships, and she thrived on me needing her for different things. She knew I needed her help babysitting, but when I started seeing her treat my kids the same way she did us growing up, I knew I had to come up with an escape plan. I know this may sound dramatic to some, but I truly felt like I had to ESCAPE her WRATH once and for ALL!

I began planning the move across the country. She began to play mind games with my kids, talking bad about me behind my back. I remember the day I loaded the 22 foot U-Haul with no support from anyone in the whole wide world, accept my best friend. I could have never done it without her!! I planned to drive across the country, drop our stuff off in storage, and fly back to pick up my kids. I wanted to talk to them every day so they wouldn’t think I left them or abandoned them. This fucking bitch turned her ringer off and wouldn’t let me talk to my kids AT ALL the entire 3 days I was gone. Finally she answered my call from someone else’s phone, and I let her have it! That was the last straw for me, with her and her sick minded manipulation games. I will never forget it, because I wanted to make sure my kids knew exactly what I was doing, and where I was. I wanted to tell them I loved them every day, but she stopped it from happening.

I have forgiven this lady, but in the process of me forgiving her, I have had to accept the fact that she stole my one chance at having a decent mother. She stole my childhood, and any happiness I would have had as a child. Now, she thinks she has some “Grandparent” rights to my kids. She wants to come visit them, and continue on with a sick and unhealthy relationship with them. Every time she visits, she turns my flipping house upside down. It’s like the devil shows up and my door, and comes whipping through my home like a tornado. It’s insane how ONE PERSON can cause so many problems. After her last visit, she’s not welcome around me, or in my home. She’s a VERY BIG trigger to me, actually the biggest in my life. I’m living in recovery going on 2.5 years from alcohol abuse, and drug abuse for numbing my LIFES ISSUES, ADOPTION BEING THE ROOT! I can’t chance my recovery and have someone in my life whos a huge trigger like she is. My Christian counselor has told me its okay to not have her in my life. I don’t owe her ANYTHING! Now, I have to try to do my best to explain all this to my kids, who ARE impacted by my adoption experience. They are VERY MUCH IMPACTED!

My adoptive moms family has recently disclosed to me that they feel like “SHE WAS BORN WITH EVIL IN HER BODY!.” After discovering I believe she’s suffering from extreme narcissism, and bipolar disorder, depression and an addiction to prescription pain pills It’s has brought me some understanding on how ONE PERSON can do so much damage. If I was to sit and try to have a calm talk with her about all the damage she’s done to me in my life, she would turn into a 2 year old literally! She has never admitted when she was wrong, or made any changes to get help for her behavior. She’s sick, and mentally ill and I have to keep her away from me. The thought of her coming back into my life sends complete and total FEAR into my body. It takes me back to my childhood, and being that scared little girl who needed a mommy, but I was too busy caring for her and her needs, I was robbed of a mother all together but left constantly taking care of her needs. She never adopted for me, she adopted for her selfish desires, and today I have no mother.

Every day I’m reminded of this. When I found my birth mother, I sat and had one talk with her. I wanted for this day my entire life. Her question to me was, “So tell me about your life?”. I remember not having much good to say. I told her my adoptive parents divorced when I was 1. My adoptive mom and I never got along, I was in and out of group homes, and juvenile lock up. I guess she wanted me to share some “WONDERFUL STORY”. But because I didn’t have one, this is something she took deeply to heart. I know because I was told she was REALLY upset that she was promised I would have 2 parents and my adoptive parents divorced when I was 1. If that was the case, she would have raised me herself! She was VERY upset about this, and after this meeting she shut me out and never spoke to me again. I can’t help but try to put myself in her shoes, and feel the shame, guilt and sorrow she must have felt when she learned the life that she had planned to be so much “BETTER” than the one she could give me wasn’t better at all. I was told this crushed her. She passed away, and rejected a relationship with me after meeting that one time. I can’t help but hold my adoptive “mom” somewhat responsible because once again, she stole so much from me. Even the one chance I had at beginning a relationship with my birth mother was STOLEN because my adoptive “mom” FAILED at being a MOTHER!

Where has this left me? MOTHER-LESS! My kids are GRANDMOTHER-LESS. I was forced to make a decision where I felt I had to move across the country from this unhealthy sick human being, and then it leaves us all with constant reminders of what adoption has taken. I have no relationship with my adoptive sister today. My narcissistic adoptive “mom” made sure she ruined any and all chances of us ever being close by playing us against each other all the way back to the beginning of my life. That;s another loss, and my kids have had to experience this loss also. Bottom line, I can’t have UNHEALTHY relationships in my life!!! There is no hope that my birth mother will be in my life, or my kids. Adoption made sure of that.

My adoptive mother fits all these things perfectly.

 Maternal Narcissism

Every single day, every holiday, every minute I’m reminded of what adoption has taken from me. I’m on a healing journey, and more and more is revealed daily. I’m thankful God is revealing it, but I hope some adoptive parents, and biological parents, and adoptees can read this and learn that adoption isn’t all rainbows for some of us! I’m thankful for my blog. I’m thankful for this place where I can share my feelings, even when some of my entries are entirely too long! This is the ONLY place I have to share it. And not one single person in my life, adoptive or biological family reads this place. I don’t think they could handle the truth, and if they did read it I would be left once again defending myself as to WHY I FEEL THE WAY I DO. I’m thankful God has given me my adoptee VOICE. I’m thankful for all of my church family God has put in my life who may not “Get it” but they listen to me, and support me no matter what. I’m thankful for my relationships with my kids, and a very special man I have in my life. They all tell me, that when they look at me they can see my mind never stops racing. If only they could experience the thoughts in my mind for a 5 minute period, they would understand me so much better. I don’t believe there’s any way they could handle it, because almost all the thoughts in my head are FEAR related to my adoption experience. Fear of people leaving me, fear of EVERYTHING! I guess I need to keep reminding myself when I’ve lost EVERYTHING there isn’t much else I can lose, even when it feels like it. You see, even in the middle of living this nightmare of a life I didn’t have any control over, I ESCAPED & I’M THANKFUL FOR THAT! But let me say, I will never be able to be THANKFUL for being ADOPTED. Adoption has stolen too much from me. I hate being adopted with every bit of my being.

 I would have rather had my REAL MOTHER and lived in a CARD BOARD BOX than been assigned to my ADOPTIVE MOM and lived in HELL ON EARTH in her home. IJS!

 Now I have a choice what I’m going to do with all of this pain. God has let me know that our pain is someone else’s gain. So here I am, sharing my journey in hopes to reach other adoptees so they know they aren’t alone. I have so much more to say, but TODAY I have to head out to work.

If you made it this far, THANKS FOR READING!

Let me know you were here and if you can relate to any of what I’ve experienced or my feelings. Did you have a narcissistic adoptive parent? Was it the adoptive father or adoptive mother? Or both? How did this make you feel?

Pamela Jones AKA @freesimplyme

http://www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted

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Adoptee Controlling Me…

One of the things I’ve recently discovered about myself is my need to control my life and the fact that it’s increasingly becoming an obsession and an issue as I recover on this healing journey. I would love to know if any other adoptees can relate to what I’m about to share?

The most important step is me admitting that this is becoming an issue for me. I know that this symptom of controlling my own life is rooted in FEAR. I shared in my previous blog post my revelations on my life I’ve had over the last few weeks. It’s been a pretty tough time, but I’m trying to remember that God reveals things as he sees fit. Not as PAMELA sees fit. I’m peeling layers of the onion back, and those layers didn’t get there overnight so they will take TIME to heal and be peeled.

I’ve always known that when I have something planned, I get a  level of anxiety about the event until it’s over. I start to obsess over it and my mind races just anticipating the event. I’ve done this for a long time. I now realized that this is based on my FEAR of losing control over something associated with the event and my life. It takes over my mind, but as soon as the event is over I’m at peace. I have a hard time sleeping at night thinking about fear losing control over these events and my life. Over the last year or so I have noticed I start to plan my day before the day even comes. Time & planning has become a MAJOR factor in me controlling my own life. I think being on time is a great quality to have, and planning is another one. I am TOP NOTCH in these areas. Where I see my problem at is when this begins to impact me in a negative way, and in return it impacts those around me in a negative way. I’ve even realized that I’m 100% self employed because I want to CONTROL that area of my life also! Hey, it works for me!

LISTEN UP: I do NOT have a need to control other’s lives. I do NOT care what other people are doing with their time. What I care about is MY TIME and MY LIFE and MY NEED TO CONTROL IT. The problem is when others innocently conflict with me controlling my time and my life. This has been such a weird revelation to me, but makes total sense at the same time. I get a lot of anxiety because OTHER PEOPLE don’t live up to my expectations on time and they innocently not even knowing it, cause a rift between me controlling my own life and MY TIME. I MEAN ANXIETY! Fear takes over my body, and I get angry, upset and feel like I’m losing control and it’s a scary feeling. This is rooted in FEAR.

When I say this obsession is rooted in FEAR I mean that when I was born, and all these decisions were made for my life it impacted me in a negative way. Other “people” controlled everything about EVERYTHING to do with my life. They controlled how I looked, where I lived, my feelings, who I could act like, who I could LOVE, all of my medical records, my ancestry, my roots, heritage, my history was all controlled by others. Every aspect of being an adoptee was controlled by others. I have learned that I’ve sheltered myself from most close relationships and I’ve isolated myself from almost everyone for fear of losing some control over my life, because when there are more people that’s less of a chance that I can control things for MY LIFE, MY WAY!

I WANT TO BE ON TOTAL CONTROL OVER MY LIFE!!! THIS IS A BIG PROBLEM!!!  THIS IMPACTS MY RELATIONSHIPS AND I HAVE TO WORK ON THIS IF I EVER INTEND TO HAVE HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS.

Let me just say that I believe most people may want to be in control over their lives, BUT when it’s causing me problems I know I’ve gone overboard. I’ve uncovered this past week that my life is rooted in FEAR. That fear is paralyzing. Fear of people leaving me, fear of losing control of my life when I FINALLY have CONTROL over something. I’m in FEAR of people abandoning me. I’m in FEAR that people don’t really love me. I’m in FEAR that if I let people in I will lose control over controlling my life.  FEAR FEAR FEAR. I never would have thought that of all my issues God would reveal my entire life is being controlled by fear. One of these “fear” episodes can ruin an entire day for me & it’s exhausting!

I know FEAR IS NOT FROM GOD. FEAR IS FROM THE DEVIL. It’s one of his number one tactics to take us under. He wants me to isolate myself, to have bad relationships and to be alone. He wants me to be haunted by FEAR and to be PARALIZED by it. He’s done a pretty good job so far, but THE DEVIL IS A LIE. I refuse to live in this bondage of FEAR and I am now at a place where this is the next step I’m going to work on.

It took me the first 2 years of my recovery journey of living in sobriety to finally come to a place of acceptance of my adoptee journey, I’ve forgiven my birth mother when I was so ANGRY at her. I have accepted that I will never have a mother. These were all very difficult things to work through and God is still healing me daily. But now that another layer of the onion has been peeled, and I realize I still have more to work on I feel like I’m at the bottom of the mountain again. Each day I will wake up and focus on conquering the devil who’s trying to control my mind, my thoughts and my life! FEAR IS FROM THE DEVIL. The closer I get with God, the more my fear will fade. I have accepted this may take a lifetime.

When our entire lives are traumatized by our adoption experience I’ve accepted it may take an entire lifetime to heal. My next move is documenting and identifying my triggers that result in these fear episodes. It literally paralyzes me! My entire body and mind locks up and I get REALLY quiet, and my mind totally races, I get sick to my stomach, I can’t think of anything else but what FEAR I’m experiencing. Keep in mind this is mentally exhausting!!!  I’m still in AWE that God has revealed this to me. I’m honestly THANKFUL because I do NOT WANT TO LIVE THE REST OF MY LIFE IN FEAR OF PEOPLE LEAVING ME AND LOSING CONTROL OVER MY LIFE!

Today, I’m thankful for Celebrate Recovery, and for the tools to work through these deep rooted emotional issues that stem from my adoption experience. I do have hope, but I know this isn’t going to be an easy fix. It’s a process.

“When God brings you to a new level be ready to experience a whole new devil!” – Joyce Meyer

This speaks volumes to me! I know as I grow, the devil is out to destroy me.The great thing is I’m suited up in my spiritual armor and I’m learning that each time I’m in fear of anything it IS the devil, so that means I need to SPEAK LIFE OUTLOUD and let the devil know he’s not in front of me, he’s behind me. He’s under my FOOT. He has NO POWER or control over my life.

My journey is one of healing and hope. I hope and pray that adoptees all over understand they aren’t alone and there is HOPE in healing from our adoption experiences. I’ve also experienced abuse in all forms aside from the adoption trauma I face daily. My hope comes from God because I know he alone is the one who can help me recovery.

I have many more examples of fear I’m going to share in future blog posts. Can any adoptees here relate to the FEAR I’m experiencing? Do you have a increased desire to control your own life?

-Pamela Jones AKA Adoptee In Recovery

http://www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted

Discovering My Fears…

I’m a pretty positive person. I am thankful every day I’m able to HEAR the alarm, SEE the clock, and my feet are PHYSICALLY able to hit the floor. Not once in a while, but every day!  When you care for elderly who are more than humble with physical limitations it helps you see what many people take for granted. I don’t take those simple things for granted. When I arrive at my home on a cold winter day, walk inside and the warm air hits my face I’m humbly reminded that so many don’t have a home to go to, let alone a warm one. Bottom line is, I’m thankful.

Most of my heartaches in life I save to share here in my blog, and at Celebrate Recovery, (CR). At CR I share some of my biggest hurts because it’s a safe place where I’m able to do this without judgment and condemnation. My blog is also a safe place for me, because no one tells me how to feel here. It’s all me, my feelings based on my life’s experiences.

As I pray and ask God to REVEAL things to me, that I need to work on one thing that God has brought to my attention this past week is that I’m operating in complete FEAR of abandonment & rejection based on my history and the things I’ve been through in life. It’s been a “AH-HA” week for me, and a rather emotionally exhausting one. I have always said, “I don’t live in FEAR because I have FAITH”. Well that is a lie. I uncovered some truths about myself and why I am the way I am, and living in FEAR is a big part of my life. I never realized it until now. I know this is in part because I spend my whole life numbing my pain with alcohol. From 12-37 I drank to cope, and on August 12, 2012 I started a recovery ministry. I have 2 years sobriety now and feelings are REAL! Feelings I never felt before because alcohol was a big part of my life. I never faced my issues until I stopped drinking. Many people, and adoptees depend on substances to numb the pain! This is hardcore deep rooted pain we experience!

You see, when we start a recovery journey it’s like peeling back layers of an onion. But we have to recognize how those layers got there. One by one, event after event, the layers built up over time, over our lives and we have YEARS OF LAYERS to work through. This is no QUICK FIX. The first 2 years of my recovery journey I worked on forgiving my birth mother, accepting my adoption experience, and forgiving my adoptive parents for lying to me my whole life. I still have work to do, but it took me 2 whole years just to address those few issues.  I’m just now healing at 40 years old because I spent 38 years being told I should be grateful for being adopted. Because of this I always feeling like something was wrong with ME because I was far from grateful for losing my first family and my history. So here I am, healing slowly. After I processed much of my feelings the first 2 years, and asked God to come in and heal me by working the 12 Steps in Celebrate Recovery (similar to AA but biblically based) God began to reveal more to me. Little by little he keeps revealing more. He knows I couldn’t handle it all at once! I also heard Joyce Meyer say in a CD series I’m listening to about fear, “When God takes you to a new level, you’re about to see a NEW DEVIL!”.  Satan is out to steal, kill and destroy so he doesn’t want to see us overcome! He doesn’t want us to HEAL! He will throw as much FEAR at us as possible! So it’s critical to recognize it and WORK ON IT! I don’t know about YOU, but I’m TIRED OF LIVING IN FEAR!

By God revealing that I am living in FEAR it’s opened up the door way for me to step on into a place of processing WHY I’m in FEAR and acknowledge that my FEAR is NORMAL for a life that has had some things happen that are NOT NORMAL. Let’s me be clear, HEALING IS ON MY MIND! I’m not going to sit up here and write in this blog and be ALL NEGATIVE about my PAST HURTS, without healing in mind. I’m sharing my feelings because I need this place for validation, and a release. I also want other adoptees to know they aren’t alone.

I KNOW GOD HEALS!

Now you may ask what am I in fear of?  I will go in more details in some of my next posts, but I’m in paralyzing FEAR of people abandoning me!  I’m in FEAR of people rejecting me! I’m in FEAR of people HURTING ME! I know, I know… Many people might say, “We all live in FEAR of some kind.”  I believe you are right, but the difference is I REFUSE TO CONTINUE TO LIVE IN FEAR FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! These fearful CRAZY episodes are WAY TO MUCH FOR ME TO HANDLE. I do NOT want to live the rest of my life in bondage from FEAR based on my past situations. It’s critical I learn the triggers, and there is a list a mile long!

I will write in my next blog post about what this fear feels like to me. The fear from abandonment & rejection that have impacted EVERY AREA OF MY LIFE are ROOTED from being given up for adoption at the beginning of life. It’s rooted in being rejected by my birth parents, and when I found them they rejected me again. This is where my root issues stem from. In Celebrate Recovery we get to the ROOT ISSUES, so we call PULL THEM UP and ask God to heal them and move forward.

I’m also suffering with a increased desire to control my life, and it’s having a negative impact on me so that’s something else I’m about to work on and write about. When adoptees go their entire lives controlling NOTHING about decisions that were made for our lives THAT IMPACTED SO MUCH we want to CONTROL. The biggest thing I’ve noticed lately that’s having a negative impact on me is TIME and PLANNING. Surprisingly, I can also discover this having a root issue from my adoption experience. I WANT TO CONTROL EVERYTHING ABOUT MY LIFE! ADOPTION CONTROLED EVERYTHING, NOW IT’S MY TURN!!!!!!!!! But as you can imagine, this has negative side effects. I will be sharing some in future blog posts.

I’m thankful for God bringing these things to my attention, and for the strength to share some of my struggles. Fear, Control, Abandonment & Rejection are tactics from the devil. He doesn’t want me to be free, but I’m determined to break out of these negative and dysfunctional thought patterns that have developed from my adoption experience & lifes experiences. It will take time but I’m excited to share my journey with you!

For the adoptees here, have you discovered you operate in FEAR? Or am I alone here?

-Adoptee In Recovery

**Adoptees will never be able to HEAL unless they DISCOVER their TRUTH**

http://www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted

When I Found Out I Was Adopted

My life changed in a major way when I found out I was adopted. I will never forget watching a TV program with my adoptive mom and seeing a woman who gave birth to a baby. Being curious as kids are, I made a comment to my adoptive mom, “Mommy, did I come out of your belly like that?”. I remember her response was something like this…

“No you didn’t come out of my belly. You came out of another woman’s belly. She loved you so much she wanted you to have a better life so she gave you to me to raise.”

This was a moment I will never forget. I never understood how you love something but you give it away. I think back now and try to think of what my adoptive mom COULD have said that wouldn’t have had such a negative impact on me. As a 5 year old child I couldn’t comprehend this. I whole heartedly believe she did the right thing by telling me but the WAY she said it was something that had a negative impact on me my entire life.

I’m an adoptee who can say “I always knew I was adopted” because she did tell me. I believe back in the 70’s adoptive parents weren’t anywhere near equipped in how to tell your child their adopted, like they are now or how to handle “what to do” being adoptive parents. I’m not saying she meant to hurt me, but the way she told me would forever taint my view of love. When you love something you keep it, you don’t give it away. “She gave you to me to raise.”… I felt disposable, unlovable, and like a piece of property. This was the first moment in my life I began to search for my birth mother. I began to ask questions. Who was she? Where was she? How do I find her? I never EVER stopped asking about my birth mother.

As a 40 year old woman I look back over my journey, and I’ve tried to think of a way my adoptive mom could have told me that I was adopted that didn’t confuse me on such a deep level. I feel like giving something or someone away and associating it out of “Love” is far too confusing for a child to understand. It was total abandonment to me. This still has a deep rooted impact on me today. I feel like everyone in my life is going to abandon me.

I wish she would have said, “You have a biological mommy who couldn’t take care of you, so she found someone who could. That someone was me.” But see that type of answer would have come with more questions behind it. “Why couldn’t she take care of me?” is what I would have asked. And then the TRUTH would have come out. But I know from experience in living it, adoption secrets and lies are a big part of the adoption experience and a huge part of my pain. Everyone was “protecting” me from my own history. The fight to find my history all alone has caused me more heartache and pain than anyone could imagine.

I wish I was never told my birth mother loved me. She didn’t love me. The adoption industry as a whole seems to always want to speak for birth mothers. Once I acknowledged this TRUTH it was easier of me to let go of the pain and move forward and heal.

“You can’t heal a wound by denying it’s there” (Jeremiah 6:14)

NOT ALL BIRTH MOTHERS LOVE THEIR BABIES.  SOME OF THEM JUST WANT TO GET RID OF THE PROBLEM. THIS IS A FACT. THIS IS WHY IT’S SO HARD FOR ME TO BELIEVE ANYONE ON EARTH LOVES ME. YOU DON’T LOVE YOUR OWN CHILD & GIVE IT AWAY & REJECT IT AFTER IT COMES TO FIND YOU.

That’s not love. The shenanigans of her “Loving me so much she gave me away” could have saved me a whole lot of heartache if the truth was told. I’m not saying they could have told me she didn’t love me. Of course everyone would like to think she did. It is definitely a more pleasant thought. But her actions after I found her and she rejected me after meeting one time showed me otherwise. The entire story of how I was conceived was my TRUTH and after learning that, I was able to gain a better understanding of WHY she chose to give me up for adoption. I needed my truth to move forward with my life and to be able to accept it for what it is.

DO ADOPTIVE PARENTS UNDERSTAND THEY ARE STANDING IN THE WAY OF OUR HEALING BY WITHHOLDING OUR TRUTH FROM US?  

Let me add, I will always be thankful my adoptive mother was honest about telling me. If she didn’t tell me it would nothing short of holding someones identity hostage, and if it were me I could never live with myself or do that to someone. For the adoptive parents who make the choice not to tell their adoptive kids their adopted, I feel you are making a huge mistake. Everyone deserves to know where they come from. Adding the trauma of being lied too your whole life is beyond devastating on the adoptee. Being adopted is hard enough on it’s own.

For the adoptive parents who may be reading; How did you tell your adopted child they were adopted? Where did you get your advice from? If you haven’t told them, what are you waiting for?

For the adoptees here, how were you told you were adopted? How did it make you feel?

-Adoptee In Recovery

@freesimplyme

Turning the Page…

I thought the way I was had to be typical but I’ve learned recently the “WAY I AM” has a lot to do with experiencing trauma being separated from my birth mother at the beginning of life. It also has a lot to do with traumatic events I have experienced in my life as a child, and a woman.

I went through a few days this past week where some emotions were triggered and A LOT was revealed to me! Although the revelation was very difficult, and draining I’m thankful that God revealed these things so I can begin to work through these things and move forward with the expectations of healing as the outcome.

Over the next few weeks & months, I’m going to put a spin on my blog posts. I’m not only going to include some of the deep issues I have had with my adoption experience, but I’m also going to share some of the deep rooted & traumatic situations that I experienced as a child, and growing up into my adult life. I haven’t written much about detail of certain events. I still experience a certain level of shame when it comes to certain things but I feel like God is tugging at my heart to share so I can continue to heal in these areas and maybe inspire someone else who has been in similar situations.

Please check back as I continue to turn the page on my healing journey. Thanks for reading & thanks for being here!

Blessings,

Adoptee in Recovery