Please Don’t Tell Me How To Feel

I have felt the need to share something that’s been on my heart the last 24 hours since I shared my last blog post.
I had an adoptive mother tell me I should just think of my experience in a different way. It’s up to me to basically be thankful and grateful.  We’re all adopted into God’s Kingdom so what’s the difference right?
Let me just say, that it always seems to be the adoptive mothers who want to speak up and tell me how I should fell. I wonder why this is? If a child lost their mother in a car accident and they grieved this loss later in life would you tell that child how they should feel? I doubt it.
The truth of the matter is, I am just now grieving my losses and I am 8 days away from turning 40 years old. Do you know why that is? Because I spent 37 years of my life being brain washed by my adoptive mother, family and the rest of society on how I should feel. They always made me feel guilty for wanting to know my first family. For simply wanting to know WHO I AM. This not only denied me the right to share my true real feelings, but it denied me the right to grieve my loss until I became old enough to identify my real feelings, and be brave enough to share them.
I realize my blog isn’t full of fancy flowers and rainbow dreams. But my blog is full of the truth on what adoption has done to me and the pain it’s inflicted on me and in return my children, and one day their children. Instead of judge me, why don’t you look at where the source of my pain is coming from. The root issue is abandonment & rejection from my birth mother giving me up for adoption. All of the crazy stuff with my adoptive mother just adds to that root cause. But the ROOT CAUSE is from me being given away, tossed to the side by both my birth parents. Adding to that, they didn’t accept me when I finally did find them. The other side of that is my adopters telling me I should just be thankful that they took me in when my birth family didn’t want me. They took away my right to cry for missing my birth mother. They took away my right to know and make memories with my biological siblings and their children. Memories lost, never to be found.  They took away my right to grieve my loss. I could never share my feelings growing up, and this is why I share them now. They confused me because even when my feelings were of complete sadness and despair, they told me I had no right to feel that way. Now as an adult, I know I have a right to feel that way. If you lost your entire family in a car wreck wouldn’t you be sad about loosing them? Of course. Same thing but hopefully you had a chance to make some lasting memories with your loved ones. Adoptees don’t get that chance. 
It may be different for some adoptees, but I feel like I was adopted to fulfill my adoptive mothers desires to be a mother. I think she cares more about who’s going to take care of her when shes old, and the self-satisfaction she gets when someone calls her “Mother”. She still desires these things even when she’s never been a mother to me.
As for being adopted into God’s kingdom. I do believe I am adopted into Gods kingdom but there is a big difference. I had to make that choice to become a Christian and give my life to Christ. I had all the decision making into that factor of my life. I can say it was the best decision of my life, but I made it for myself. My church family is my family. I am thankful to God for them every day because they have shown me what REAL FAMILY Is all about. They have loved me unconditionally with no strings attached. They have taught me something that adoption hasn’t taught me. To love with no conditions. Adoption is the other way around.
I heard yesterday on the “How Does It Feel To Be Adopted” page ( www.facebook.com/howdoesitfeeltobeadopted) one of my fellow adoptees said in response to adoptive parents and society telling her how to feel,

“If you shared the same history as me, you may share the same sentiments”

Thanks Alex Bird! ❤

That was beautifully said and I couldn’t have said it any better. As long as I’m walking out my recovery journey and healing from the pain from my past from my adoption experience, I will share my feelings and my story. I will grieve my losses how I need to, just like you will grieve your losses how you need to. I know that I’m reaching other adoptees who have always felt alone, and I’m also reaching those adoptive parents who want to receive what an adult adoptee has to say because I have lived in the shoes of what their child is living. I believe that in time things will get easier, and maybe one day my blog will taper off into sweet nothings, but right now when I’m FINALLY able to speak freely about how it feels to be adopted, and share my journey and insight with the world some of what you read will be very painful.  If I wasn’t denied the right to grieve my losses growing up, I may not be grieving them by blogging about my feelings at 40 years old. Instead of judge me, maybe say a prayer for me.  I will do the same for you.
Let me ask, since you made it this far. How do you respond when others tell you how you should feel about being adopted?  What seems to work for you?  

Thanks for being here and for being a part of my journey! 
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4 thoughts on “Please Don’t Tell Me How To Feel

  1. Never underestimate the courage and empathy of the adopted child. They live like the north wind blowing around the streetlights globes shady sparks of elusive light. Oh the streetlights at night in the city they appear colder, yes colder than the virgin mother who cannot bare their own child.

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  2. I don’t no how to respond but I tend not to talk about it with my adoptive family because I feel guilty and I worry about there feelings
    So I try telling them I am fine? I feel guilty calling my birth mum mum should I ?

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    1. You should never feel guilty for calling your birth mom.. ever! She’s the woman that carried you in her belly for 9 months, she’s part of you. Please never feel guilty for having her in your life.

      I understand why you don’t feel you can talk to your adoptive family about your biological family or reunions. Honestly it’s not their business. Not to offend anyone but they seem to make it about them the majority of the time. It creates even more awkwardness than you need to deal with. Their responsible for their feelings. They will be okay.

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      1. This is very true because my adoptive mother tried telling me that I don’t need her anymore and that she has depression I don’t need the extra stress 😦 I am a people pleaser and I am finding things so hard to cope as it is !! I have a sister and brother who were also adopted they are my half siblings but see them as my full and my sister has got a mental condition though all of this and it makes me so angry with my birth mother 😦 so glad you can relate xx

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