My Birthmother was an Alcoholic but I didn’t Love her any Less…

Knowing she was suffering from alcoholism had absolutely no impact on me wanting to meet and know and love my birthmother.

Never for the life of me will I understand why an adoptive parent would share negative things with their adoptive child about their birth families? Why do they do this? From my experience in my journey and hearing other adoptees share their stories it’s almost as if the adoptive parents get some self-satisfaction about sharing some dark points about the biological families in hopes to create a wedge or a negative feelings from the adoptee about their birth families. I find this appalling.
Our birth families are who we are. They are a big part of us and no one can say or do anything to change that. I hear over and over, “But she was addicted to drugs, and she was a prostitute, or she was an alcoholic.” Those things don’t make her our mother any less. I know some adoptees may feel different but for me, I never had a chance to know the woman that gave me life. But after finding her and being reunited with her one time I learned a lot about her. I wish I was given more time to get to know her. I learned from those around and of course my adoptive mom loved to throw it in my face that she was an alcoholic. She would mention this because I was a drinker for 25 years of my life. I drank to escape the pain and heartbreak of my birth mother giving me away. My adopted mom said “You act like she would have given you a better life”.
You know, I really resent that statement to a major degree. Let’s see. Would I have rather had my REAL mother who was an alcoholic OR a FAKE mother that was addicted to prescription pain pills and depressed who battled mental illness my whole life. For me the answer to that is simple. I WOULD HAVE RATHER HAD MY REAL MOTHER! At least she would have been my REAL mother, not some stranger that wanted me for her own selfish reasons. Families have dysfunctions, and families have issues. I fully understand this. But when my adopted mother started speaking negatively about my birth mother it only drew me further away from her. It felt like I had to choose a side. And in the end I was left with nothing. Because it just so happened my birth mother didn’t want me in her life. I struggle with this adoptee battle daily!
I’ve learned to accept these things but it hasn’t been easy. I would like to share that any time an adoptive parent speaks negatively about a birth family member of the child they are raising they are speaking negatively about the child. This has a reflection of the adoptee thinking badly about oneself and starting to feel as if something is wrong with them. Why would any parent want that for their child? If there are traumatic events that happened and they are the reason why the child was separated from their original family there is no reason the child needs to hear that in a demeaning way. They can hear the truth at age appropriate times, but what about speaking love about the first family? Telling that child it’s okay to cry, and grieve because of those reasons. Instead of speaking badly about their very own roots.
It’s not what you say it’s how you say it. Let me make this clear, it was only my adoptive mother that spoke negatively. My adoptive father never said a negative word about anyone. He never talked about it ever.
I will just say I commend all the adoptive parents who have nothing but love for their adoptive child’s first family and don’t speak badly about them or talk down on them. I know there are many out there that don’t do this. For those that do, or for those that are raising adoptive children. I plead with you to please not speak negatively about your child’s first family. This can and will have lasting long term side effects that will damage the child’s inner being and make them feel terrible about themselves. It will not make them feel more grateful they were adopted if those are your intentions. It will only confuse them more.  Take it from an adoptee that’s experience this.

 

Thanks for reading.
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You Can’t Heal A Wound By Denying It’s There…

I want to share a little about my recovery journey. As you already know my blog and writing are all a part of healing for me. I made a vow to blog more in 2014. I really find this is a safe place, and I can get my feelings out and no one can interrupt me or tell me how to feel. Why didn’t I discover this earlier? I might not have had so many emotions and feelings built up and they came out in other ways like anger, resentments, and rage, confusion, low self-esteem, etc.
I always say I’m in recovery from LIFE. What this means is that all life’s experiences have made me into the person I am today. I will say all the way back to being in my birth mother’s womb and being given away to strangers after I was 4 days old. This is part of me, it’s my history. I want to write about it because it’s mine to write. It’s the truth. I heard an adoptive mom say recently “You should never say “Given UP”; you should say “Given a Better Life”. This frustrated me a bit, because you can’t tell people what they should or shouldn’t say. What I say is based on what I feel and what I feel is based on my experience. Who is to say I had a “BETTER LIFE” anyway? I believe that’s the stereotypical statement that most people are lead to believe. That’s what the adoption industry want’s you to believe. “ADOPTION IS BETTER”. I have news for you, many adoptive families are FULL of dysfunction and have homes that aren’t fit for anyone to live in, let alone a child that has been paid for at a very hefty price. A price that’s based on LOSS all the way across the board.  I have always felt like I was abandoned at birth, because I was. My birth mother gave birth to me, and left the hospital and left me there. I was placed 4 days later by strangers. People I didn’t know.  This is abandonment. Whatever her intentions were she still gave up every right to parent me, and gave me away. I don’t care what anyone says, this is abandonment. This is where it all started for me.
GOD MADE YOU SO YOU COULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE!
It’s been proven that adopted kids separated from their mothers for any reason or kids separated from their birth mothers at the beginning of life endure a trauma. When a trauma occurs and it’s not grieved or tended too in the proper way, it will come at other stages of life. To ignore the trauma only adds pain to that trauma. When a child is adopted or separated from their mother the beginning of life this needs proper grieving at the right age so the adoptee or child can heal in the proper way. This might seem foreign to some people. But take it from an adoptee that turned to drugs, alcohol, sex and violence, anger and rage 27 years of my 39 years of life. I have been living in VICTORY for almost 17 months. I’ve been in recovery from abandonment & rejection issues for 17 months. I’ve been sober for 17 months and during this time, I have been able to uncover what has been covered my whole life. That’s its okay to grieve the loss of my first family. Its okay to cry about the family I never grew up with. It’s okay to grieve the fact that my birth mother didn’t want to parent me. It’s okay at 39 years old to feel abandoned and rejected by the two people who should love me the most, my birth parents. It’s okay to feel the way I do and not have anyone else tell me how I should feel.  Do I feel like an idiot sometimes grieving something some people don’t even comprehend? Sometimes, but unless you have been left at the hospital by the woman that gave you life you will never understand how we, the adoptees feel. It’s been the biggest heartache of my entire life.
What do I think can be changed for future adoptees and those who have been adopted at the present time? I think that allowing the adopted child, or child who has been separated from his or her mother to grieve and encouraging them to grieve is a great way to start. This can’t be done by living in the “Fog” about what is really going on. Adoptive parents need to come out of the fog, and accept the truth about their adoptive child. As hard as it may be, read what adult adoptees are writing. Learn from them. We aren’t sharing our experiences for them to be kept in silence. Ask questions, and have an open mind. At 39 I’m grieving the biggest loss of my life, and that’s my first family. Until you grieve that loss it will always be an open wound deep down and it will never heal until grieving that loss takes place. Healing is possible but it will never happen by denying the issue is there.
In my recovery journey and giving up all substances and giving my life to God, I have learned that it’s not an easy journey. But I didn’t want to keep living with the pain from my past any longer. I feel all adoptees need to grieve their losses in order to live a healthy productive life. For some adoptees, they don’t feel they have any adoptee issues. That’s wonderful but certain things in life can trigger these issues, and they may very well come out at some point. My adoption issues have had an impact on every aspect of my life. The way I raise my kids, my relationships, bonding with people, letting people close to me, my work, my self-esteem, my happiness, and the list could go on and on.
I believe that God uses our pain for his gain. We each have a journey and we are called to share our experiences with the world. We have to share our struggles so they can help someone else heal. That’s what my blog is about. Maybe that’s what my journey is all about?
Healing is possible, but denying the problem or issue exists will never benefit the adoptee or the child separated from their mother.
Thanks for reading.

Lies Are Never Okay, Everyone Deserves To Know Where They Come From..

Why is lying okay when it comes to adoption? In some cases adoption isn’t part of the equation, but children are constantly lied to about who their biological family is and people actually think that’s okay.
It’s NOT okay to LIE to a child period. It’s NOT okay to lie to them about who their biological family is. Lies destroy and they ruin relationships. How would you feel if you were lied to about something so important? You wouldn’t like it.
Unless this has happened to you, you can’t comprehend how it makes you feel but you know how it feels to be lied too right? It hurts, imagine someone lying to you about who your mother or father is, or withholding such personal information.  I can only speak for my experience and how it made me feel. My adoptive mom lied to me my whole life about finding my birth family. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to find my birth mother. She lied over and over and said “Once we get enough money for an attorney we will get the sealed records opened and we will find her”. This gave me comfort in knowing that one day it might really happen. I might find my birth mother. When I was in my early 20’s that all changed. My adoptive mother told me she had been keeping something from me. She knew who my birth mother was, and my adoptive dad had her name. So all those years she lied to me and I would never trust her again. She put her insecurities about not wanting me to find my birth mother in front of my needs and wanting to know. She knew it tore me up deep down and she didn’t care. I know what you’re thinking. “You should be glad she told you at all!”. Yeah? Well I am glad she told me, but she didn’t need to tell me a LIE all those years! She could have just said the truth or just expressed that she understood my feelings and consoled me in some way. But no, she lied to me over and over. I have forgiven her, but I will never forget it. One more list to add to the things she took from me, along with my child hood. Thank God I can make up for it and be a better mom for my kids.

I know a lot of people who are keeping secrets from their kids so they can cover up their irresponsible actions, and people that are lying to their kids because they don’t want to tell the truth. Because they will have to face reality and it will be too hard on them. Let me just say, the truth is ALWAYS better than discovering that you are living a LIE. Lying destroys people. It tears them down and lies hurt people. When people keep secrets and they are ashamed of the truth it will always come out in the end. 9 X out of 10 it’s always so much harder to discover you are living a lie, than if someone would have told you to begin with.

 

If you are keeping a secret or lying to a child or a person about their identity, who they are, who their REAL parents are, or where they come from, I beg you to reconsider and tell the truth. I suggest some counseling so you can get some advice on how to make it right. Its never too late to make it right! No matter how painful, the truth is always better than pretending and living a lie. Everyone deserves to know where they come from, and their history. 
Pamela Karanova