From this day forward I am only allowing myself to be around a small circle of people. Chances are they will be different circles of people. Such as work & personal. I know a lot… More
We’ve heard it all for centuries, especially in the adoption community.
“ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE”
Well I’m here to express my desire to not only have love but my truth. Love wasn’t all I needed.
I needed my truth
THE TRUTH MEANS NOTHING HIDDEN
Yes, you guessed it. I’m an adult adoptee who has grown into my own woman. I have developed my own opinion, and I have been on a healing journey for 3 years now, attempting to heal from the lifelong struggles being adopted have brought my way. When I was growing up you weren’t supposed to talk about it. The less adoptive parents talked about it the better. Well, that was probably the worst advice that could have ever been given to adoptive parents.
I don’t have to be quiet, because it’s not a secret anymore. It might have been in the 1970’s but those days are over.
John 8:32 Says, “We shall know our TRUTH, and our TRUTH shall set us free”.
This scripture is what I stand on for all adoptees all over the world that are fighting to find their truths.
Love is good. Love is great. Love isn’t everything. Love definitely wins. But Love isn’t all I needed.
I believe all adoptees are different. Some are perfectly content with not knowing who they look like or where they come from. They don’t need to know their answers. A lot of times adoptive parents come to me and say, “Jonny is fine with being adopted, I ask him how he feels and he says “Fine”, and he never brings it up. He appears to be happy.”
I think parents, adopted or not naturally want to protect their kids. I find this to come natural as a parent of 3 children. I would never want my poor kid’s hearts broken, but the truth is when you adopt a child, you adopt their broken, tainted, tore history while you adopt them. You also adopt the beautiful history some of us have. It’s a part of them. I believe when you adopt a child, you have to accept this as a part of the child, and learn that there will be a day that child will start asking questions about their first family. They deserve to know their truth.
If LOVE was all I needed I would have been in great shape growing up. I believe with my entire heart that my adoptive parents and family LOVED me with everything they knew how. I have always been closer to my adoptive dad, yet he has always been so far away. But he’s been amazing. His wife, my step mother of over 35 years has also loved me the best way she knew how. We’ve all had a roller coaster ride over the years, but at the end of the day I know they have loved me, and they haven’t lied to me to gain anything. I respect them for that.
I still needed all the answers to my history. I needed my truth. I needed to know who my siblings were. I wanted to meet my biological grandparents. I have searched for every clue to WHO I AM and learned that I’m not like anyone of them! I’m the child God created me to be, but I needed to know and see this for myself. I needed to make the choices on my own, without everyone telling me and making the choice for me.
Saying “Love is all we need” is like putting a band-aide on our wounds. They are still deep down there and will surface as root issues later on in life.
THE TRUTH HAS HURT MORE THAN ANYTHING ON THIS PLANET.
I experienced failed reunions and rejection from both birth parents, yet I am happy every day I got one AMAZING brother out of the deal, and his AWESOME siblings have accepted me as their own. I will always be grateful for them, and their relationships. ALTHOUGH THE TRUTH HURT, I WOULD RATHER KNOW IT, ACCEPT IT, AND BE ABLE TO HEAL THROUGH JESUS AND MOVE FORWARD WITH MY LIFE!!!!
We can’t heal if we don’t know our truth.
If I can share something with all my fellow adoptees out there, I would like to say to never give up hope in finding your truth and as much as it hurts to say, be prepared for anything. Most of the time relinquishment isn’t a “Pretty Story”. I most certainly don’t want to discourage anyone from searching, but reach out to another adoptee that can pray for you, or help walk you through the emotions of the reunion and search experience.
My reunion doesn’t define me. My biological parents don’t define me. My adoptive parents don’t define me. My history doesn’t define me.
They are indeed a part of my Her [Story] – History!
WHO I AM IN JESUS DEFINES ME!
I learned I’m really not like anyone, yet God made me (and YOU) special and unique in his own way. After learning what I know about my birth parents, TODAY I’m extremely thankful I’m not like any of them. The difference is, I know JESUS and neither of them did/do. I have his peace. I don’t have to drink today to handle these emotions, and the pain that goes along with this journey. Being adopted is a lifelong thing, it doesn’t just go away. This is something I will be working through for the rest of my life.
LOVE IS GREAT & LOVE WINS
But LOVE isn’t all I needed.
I needed my TRUTH
I thank GOD today, I’m no longer fighting for my truth.
How do my fellow adoptees feel?
Is love all you need?
Pamela A. Karanova,
Adult Adoptee Reunited
Please read “About” section of both pages
Twitter: @pamelakaranova<– FOLLOW ME!
Photo By: Salvatore Vuono @freedigitalphoto.net
I hope you are all doing well and the New Year is treating you right!
As some of you know I’ve decided to back away from much of “Adoption Land” and the “Adoptee Arena”. If you didn’t know I’m sorry. I’m not disappearing but I have found I have pull back on some areas of my life for my own sanity as I know many of my fellow adoptees can relate to making this move. From what I thought might be a temporary break has seemed to turn into more of a long term event.
In 2012 I created the “How Does It Feel To Be Adopted? community on Facebook. In 4 years it’s grown to over 4000 “likes” and thousands of active adoptees. This page has reached adoptees all over the world. It’s been my honor to have been in touch with so many of you over the years, to build relationships with so many of you and to be a hopefully positive person for support. Not long after Ask An Adoptee was created in a little over a year it has over 800 “Likes”. If you would like to know details about these pages please visit the “About” section of both. I had no idea how big both of these pages would get, but I knew they were helping people, specifically my fellow adoptees. They were created for you all, yet impacting the entire adoptee arena. Finally a safe space for us to share our feelings, where no one else from the adoption equation could tell us how to feel.
Over the last 4 years I’ve rode through the highs and lows of life, navigating through the valleys all while managing these pages on my own. I loved being able to come up with such a healing place for my fellow adoptees. I’ve grown in so many ways just by being able to read so many similarities and bond with so many fellow adoptees near and far. I have thoroughly enjoyed so much of this. For some time now I’ve struggled with healing in my own journey with so much of my life spread out all over the place. It was clear to me that I was doing to much.
As I’ve posted before Facebook has become a huge non-stop trigger to me and has for quiet some time. As an adopted person who had to move across the country just to provide my children with some normalcy, away from all “family” it’s sombering. It’s hard to see everyone post about holidays, mother’s day, father’s day, family reunions, etc. It adds salt to the very real wounds that are still present today. I’ve found Facebook to be a breeding place for fake relationships. I’m not saying I don’t have relationships with many of you. I’m saying I want real true genuine relationships in my life. Not those who think they know me, but have no idea what’s really going on in my life because they base knowing me by what I post on Facebook. I’ve just grown to dislike it in every way. I deactivated my page a few months ago and I feel a HUGE weight lifted. We are all in control of our own lives. If something or someone isn’t serving is properly we must make changes to make things better. In recovery I’ve learned to avoid triggers. Being adopted, triggers are everywhere every day. Navigating what to “Let go of” vs. “What to work through” has been challenging at times. I know my fellow adoptees understand much of this.
I want to pick back up writing my memoir “Adoptee in Recovery- One Adoptees Journey from Heartbreak to Hope & Healing”. I have a story to tell and I want to share it with you all. This memoir will take readers on a journey of hope & healing, and focus on other areas of my life. I will still be managing the How Does It Feel To Be Adopted Website where adoptees will be sharing their stories with the world. I will still be blogging here on my page. I still have twitter although I have a new name. Feel free to follow me! @therealpwishes I’m not totally dropping of the radar! Promise!
If you haven’t shared your story yet, please visit the page! You deserve to be heard!
A few months ago I feel God has put it on my heart to release my Facebook like pages to someone else, and my time was up in managing them. I gave it 4 years, which is a long time. I have felt sad about it because I feel like I’m letting so many adoptees down. I feel guilty for this. It’s either feeling guilty of letting my fellow adoptees down or the burden of carrying something God has clearly told me to let go of. The voice of God is something I have to put ahead of all things, even my own feelings, needs and wants. My heart was set on finding someone to manage them, who had a heart like me but the question was: WHO WOULD WANT THIS TASK?
I began to pray about it.
Well God seems to always have a plan! The key is to TRUST HIM to reveal and see us through. As I prayerfully awaited for God to move with this situation my fellow adoptee and sister in Christ Haley Radke reached out to me as she often does, to check in. She’s one of my favorite people on the earth! Over time we’ve built a special friendship and can relate to each other on so many levels. I would have never dreamed of asking her because she has her hands beyond full with her podcast AdopteesOn. My hope was to touch base with her and see if she had any ideas for me of who would be a good candidate to ask about taking over the pages.
After spending a little time talking to Haley I am here to announce to you today she has the willingness to manage the pages and take them over from here forward! Can you say EXCITING??? What a blessing for this! I never would have thought she would be interested due to her previous commitments, not to mention she’s a mommy and a wife, and has a busy life of her own.
I wanted to share this with the page readers so they are aware of the change, and aware that the pages are in the amazing hands of my friend, sister in Christ, & fellow adoptee- HALEY RADKE!!!
Haley, the adoptee community welcome’s you and we are honored to transfer these pages to such a sweet, amazing, warm and caring person such as yourself. THANK YOU for having the willingness to fit this task in your busy life to keep the legacy of the pages going for your fellow adoptees. Healing is so important and I can’t wait to see what God is going to do through you while you use Him to manage these pages! You are AMAZING!
Thank you siSTAR!
If anyone needs to reach me, feel free to tweet me, message me here or email: firstname.lastname@example.org
Love & Blessings,
God has revealed to me it’s time to make some moves in my life. It’s time to make some changes. Not any little changes either. BIG CHANGES. These changes will impact the rest of my life, and my kids lives.
Elevation Church is starting a new series tomorrow called “Work Your Window”. I will be tuning in from afar but I’m suspecting it’s going to be about talking about advantage of the area’s God gives us to improve and move forward, grow in the kingdom and in our personal lives, etc.
WE SHALL SEE!
I CAN’T WAIT!
I’ve made the decision to discontinue the “How Does It Feel To Be Adopted” Facebook page and the “Ask An Adoptee” Facebook page. I don’t feel like God is leading me to continue these pages. I will however continue my personal blog, and the How Does It Feel To Be Adopted? blog where my fellow adoptees share their stories. I’m praying to find someone to take over the 2 Facebook “Like” pages because they have been more than what I can manage.
I’ve found ADOPTEE LAND to be a painful place for me. It’s like a weight holding me down. It’s heavy. Adoptee issues that I have area heavy on their own. It’s like ADOPTEE LAND adds fuel to the issues which has consumed me for many years now. I have felt like I have spent as much time as I can working hard to network, and I still want to do this a little bit. Just not like before. I am in retreat mode, not just in adoptee land, but in life.
It’s called SELF CARE.
We all need to do this for our sanity.
As I’ve stated in many recent blog posts God has given me the insight to evaluate relationships, people, places and things where I invest my time. There are many things that are about to MOVE in my life. After many months of prayer, my family and I have decided to leave our church home, We will spend some time being churchless for awhile. During this time we are spending a season of healing from church hurt which is not an easy thing to do. I don’t believe in hopping from church to church. I believe in healing first. Just like a relationship we must heal so we don’t take old church hurt to new places. I do know that when we pray and ask God to reveal HE DOES IT. He also HEALS! This decision has not been made lightly but I know God has said our season is up. This can be sad, devastating, and down right painful. It has been. But God has also given me a peace about it so I’m standing on this peace and looking forward to the MOVE he is about to do.
So many things in life are really not what they always seem. I’ve learned it’s critical to get in tune with the Holy Spirit to be able to see what God says about all areas. It’s pretty amazing to be able to have such guidance when making life’s decisions. I’m zooming in on such a wide “circle” to making my “circle” small and tight. I’m done with having a wide circle. It’s SO OVERRATED!
I’m experiencing a peace about making these MOVES in my life.
Everything God re-MOVES from our lives he will replace with more amazing MOVES!
I’ve decided to start a weigh loss journey! I’m sharing to hopefully give someone else some hope who might be struggling in this area. Weight Watchers is one of the area’s God is MOVING in my life! This is a huge step for me. Ever sense being in recovery, FOOD has been one of the only pleasures. I’ve started scratching the surface on how someone can begin to emotionally eat. I desire to be healthy not only my spirit and mind but my body as well. So in order to do this I have to pull back on some of my commitments and focus on my health. I gained 20 lbs which isn’t much to some people. But I can assure you I can feel it all over my body. I can feel a 5 pound difference! So January 2nd I began this weight loss journey! It’s been amazing so far. Easy? NO! But in order to MOVE in some areas with my health it takes action. As of today I have lost 8 pounds in in 11 days! Weight Watchers WORKS! I’ve walked quiet a bit, but some days aren’t as much as others. I’m terrible at getting to the gym, but I love to walk. So I have lost by the Weight Watchers program eating all the food I want! I have a goal of loosing 30 pounds in 6 months. I CAN DO IT! I CAN DO IT!
Next thing is I’m starting a part time job on top of my full time job working as a Remote Reservation Customer Care Agent for Hilton Worldwide. The best part is IT’S FROM HOME! I can still be home with my kids and I will be able to set my own hours after training. Training is 4-6 weeks. I’m excited. I don’t do well with idol time, as many people in recovery don’t. My goal is to pay some bills on my credit, and create a emergency fund if anything ever happened we would have back up. It’s hard with no family. There is no security for me in ever being able to call a family member for anything, especially if I ever needed anything financially. I have learned to depend on my self and God has always made a way. This is another reason I’m going to work a part time job. Saving money!
While God is making major MOVES in my life, I see transitions coming about for the BETTER. My time will be more limited, and things might be hectic on occasion juggling 2 jobs and a home, and still being a mom. I want to use the little spare time I will have with my kids, and my few close friends and with God. My oldest daughter is in college, and I want to do as much as I can to help her! Just because we have decided to MOVE churches, doesn’t mean God isn’t close by. He’s with me daily, and I seek Him first and foremost in my life. Pulling back from LOTS of social media has been a HUGE life off my shoulders. MAKING MOVES! I thought it was going to be temporary, but as the days pass the more free I feel. The more time I have for things that are really important like the things listed above.
Just updating my followers near and far where I’m at and what’s going on in my life. I hope the new year is treating you well and I pray God MOVES some things in your life so you work towards happiness, being healthy and whole in Him!
If you need to reach me, feel free to leave me a message here or email me: email@example.com
Well, 2017 Has Arrived…
I’ve spent the last 2 hours watching Elevation Church Online.
The name of the sermon- “GOOD MORNING MIDNIGHT“
Hashtag for this event was #praiseparty16
I had to share a little of my evening with you!
“The miracle of midnight is not that you just made it through 2016, ITS HOW YOU MADE IT THROUGH. IT’S THAT YOU MAKE SOMETHING OF IT! If you’ve come to a place where you’ve made it through a few midnight moments (dark moments), you see it coming and you wave at it. GOOD MORNING MIDNIGHT! Maybe we need to wave GOOD MORNING to our MIDNIGHT? Maybe the only difference between the two is how you choose to see it?”
– Pastor Furtick
WOW WOW WOW!
Pastor Steven Furtick is ON FIRE!
3 Key points he shared:
I changed GOOD to GREAT in this blog post because good negates great! So why not say GREAT instead of GOOD?
Oh my gosh I absolutely love his preaching style! In my life I’ve experienced multiple pastors preach, and I’ve noticed some I can tune into and some are hard to tune into. I think this is similar for everyone. Well he’s ON POINT and I understood him 110%. This sermon was filled with fire! Fire meaning GOD’S GOODNESS & TRUTH! I’m so excited I was able to tune in!
Pastor Steven described MIDNIGHT as our dark times. He explained [which I agree with] that we run from the hustle and bustle of each day and when midnight hits, our head hits the pillow and all the background noise from LIFE comes flooding in. Many times our MIDNIGHT is filled with tough thoughts! We all have a choice how we respond to these thoughts.
Over the last week or so, I’ve been reflecting on 2016. For some reason automatically I start thinking of all the bad things that happened,
[ midnight? ] and moment after moment is highlighted in my mind. The sad, bad, negative, heartbreaking and depressing things. I’ll just be honest, lots of times my mind is plagued with these THINGS! Day in and day out. Pastor Steven mentioned how we can easily remember the bad things about someone as if our brains are stuck with that memory that plays over and over and over in our minds!
MEMORIZE. I started to think of my life. I have these negative thoughts, experiences and emotions MEMORIZED in my brain. Many of them go all the way back to my younger years. Some are new and fresh. They play over and over like a broken record. I will just admit, 99% of them are adoptee related. Adoptee grief, loss, trauma, abandonment, disconnect, etc, etc, etc. It’s like a mental torture over and over and over.
MASTER YOUR MEMORY!
DON’T LET IT MASTER YOU!
“I’m not memorizing my pain this year! I’m making a movie this year but I’m skipping some scenes! It’s my memory & I’m remembering it WRONG! The way I respond has to do with the way I remember! First you have to MEMORIZE then you have to MOBILIZE! The magic isn’t what happens AT midnight! It’s what happens AFTER midnight!
NEW YEAR=NEW BEGINNING=NEW SITUATION!”
– Pastor Steven Furtick
MOBILIZE: Over the last year many things have happened. If I choose look at the entire piece of the pie, not just a piece of it there are many many things that are great that happened. Of course some not so great things happened. Sometimes I wonder how life would be if everything was perfect all the time and people never had any struggles. What good would that person be to the kingdom of God in being able to reach other’s that can relate to their situation? I know all bad things that have happened to me have added a layer of toughness and strength to my core being. I’m not easily shaken! I’m tough! I’m a fighter! I know this! If I hadn’t experienced anything in life I would blow over and fall down over the smallest things that come my way. With these storms, I’ve made the choice to mobilize moving forward as they come. I’m not gonna lie, some days it’s easier than others. Some days I can barely function in day to day living. Some days I feel stuck. Some days I feel HIGH ON LIFE!
Naturally, of course!
I have the choice to sit and wallow in my “midnight” [ hard times ] or I can tell my midnight’s; GOOD MORNING.
But I’m trying here!
“God’s going to use the very one that wounded you to heal your wounds and serve you dinner! Watch God work! WORK YOUR WINDOW! I’m coming out of this year! I have some battle scars! I made it! I’m coming into 2017 full of JOY & EXPECTATION!” – Pastor Furtick
MAXIMIZE: This sermon filled with wisdom and truth really helped me open my eyes and try to do my best to MAXIMIZE in all areas. What does this mean for me? Try to re-remember all the GREAT things God has done in my life this year! To try to remember all the hard times that God has brought me through. PRAISE HIM in His Goodness and when things aren’t going as planned. Try to find the blessing in all things, yet acknowledge my hurt and process it at the same time. Be TRUE to myself and share how I really feel with no holding back but also try to evaluate what my GOOD MORNING IS in ALL SITUATIONS.
I’m believing 2017 is going to be the best year yet! I’m claiming it not only for me, but I’m claiming it for you too! This doesn’t mean we won’t have any bad days. This doesn’t mean we won’t still have challenges in life.
It means I’m going to do my best to re-examine my memories and make the choice to mobilize each of them and use them for maximizing God’s Glory. I plan to continue to share the TRUTH about where I have been and what God has brought me through!
My prayer for all my followers and fellow adoptees, friends and family near and far is that you have the blessed 2017 possible and you live your life filled with God’s greatness and trust HIM through all valleys of your life!
Happy New Year Everyone!
Love from me to YOU!
Moving away so my kids and I could have a better life is something my kids, thankfully will never understand. If they understood this they would have to experience all the hell I went through growing up. I never wanted them to experience these things, so moving away to protect them was all I knew to do.
I am constantly hearing many people share experiences about their families, and the good and bad times. Many times I learn of dysfunction and toxic situations that people are in while they are grumbling and groaning about certain people. Many times they share situations about family members who have “crossed the line” or “got on their last nerve”.
This holiday season I was reminded on many occasions why I moved away. To me there are so many dynamics to this. There are pro’s and con’s. The sadness I feel from having to make this choice of moving away just to have some normalcy in my life, and my kids life really never leaves. Aside from all the other adoptee issues, this sadness is always in the background lurking, especially on the holidays.
All those around are sharing their holiday “CHEER”
I just can’t wait to get on with the new year!
I never want to be a Grinch and spoil anyone’s holiday so I keep my opinions to myself. Holidays are painful! Triggers Triggers everywhere. Everyone is talking about their families, blah blah blah…
This year was different. I’ve found 2 of my 3 amazing kids are in relationships with significant others. This brought a new spin to our holiday season. 2 of my 3 kids were able to experience a “Family Setting” from other families and it brought them great joy and fun to experience this type of “Love & Welcoming” from other people, in other families.
It dawned on me that this is something I can’t give them and I never will be able to give this to them.
There is little ole me.
I’m just mom.
I feel terrible about THIS but no one else would understand unless they were an estranged adoptee in a similar situation. I don’t have parents that are active in my life or my kids lives. They don’t have active grandparents, cousins, aunts or uncles. I could have stayed around all the toxicity and dysfunction and everyone would have been major damaged goods, just like I was. If I stayed in the situation I was in, I wouldn’t even be able to be “Mom” because I was so broken that drinking alcohol was all I knew to numb the pain.
Of all people to know how important a mother is, I know. I know because I have never had one so I know first hand the heartbreak and loss involved in this situation I have had no control over. My birth mother rejected a relationship and abandoned me twice. My adoptive “mother” should have never been given a chance to adopt. She was never a mother. My adoptive dad moved far away and LEFT US with the adoptive “Mother” who didn’t have the capabilities to be a “Mother” and my birth father has rejected a relationship with me. I’m trying to embrace family isn’t always blood, it’s who you make it and teach this to my kids.
How can an adoptee be adopted, yet be parentless in the parent area?
Back to CHRISTmas…
My 2 children were able to experience all the fun, love and excitement of being a part of another family. My heart was exceptionally excited for them to be able to experience something they should have never had to go without. I feel guilty as a parent, but I can’t change a thing about who our family is or isn’t. I have had no control over being adopted or the family I got in this deal.
One thing I know is that I pray daily for my kids to have significant others who have big wonderful families who love them, accept them and treat them with love and respect each of them deserves. I pray they gain a wonderful family in their significant others. I pray they are strong enough in life to be able to have healthy and happy relationships around them. I pray they are strong enough to let go of all things unhealthy and toxic no matter who inflicts this on them. I want them to find happiness in life. They deserve it.
It might have taken me many years to get my “stuff” together but one thing I am certain of is that my kids have me, adoptee in recovery. Holiday’s come and go and there are constant reminders of all that has been lost in my life because of adoption. Triggers come 100 X a day it seems. Adoption doesn’t only impact me, but it has greatly impacted my children. I know on many occasions they have expressed feeling alone like I do. It breaks my heart in another type of way. I’m their mother and I’m not going anywhere but I never can or never will be able to give them the wonderful happy family they deserve. Not on Christmas, or any day of the year. It saddens me but at the end of the day…
We do have each other minus all the family drama!
That’s something HUGE to smile about!
Thankfully we have each other.
This is pretty random, but I’ve been watching the news.
This has pros and cons for me.
I stopped watching television 4 years ago. Why? Well, because it was just so heavy. Everything was heavy. News is nothing but heartbreak and doom and I made the choice to opt out. Television programs seemed to be the biggest waste of time to me. I love controlling what I let come in my life and what I let influence my mind. Television has been something I eliminated. It’s been great.
I decided I needed to get up to date on some of the happenings in our country and around the world. My GOD at all the things happening in our world today. I’ve spent about 6 weeks trying to learn about Aleppo, Syria and the war that has been happening for the last 4 years. My heart has been torn to shreds seeing on the photos and videos online of all the horror all the people of Syria have been going through. To learn that the U.S. has played a major role in funding this war, where thousands of lives have been lost, including women and children of all ages I became so saddened and upset.
Here are some photos to give you an idea if you haven’t seen so far…
I have cried REAL TEARS about all that is going on in this world! These are human beings being treated as if they are nothing and the world has sat back and remained silent. Mass genocide is going on in our world and it sickens me.
WHY WHY WHY?
Can you imagine being a mother or father and hearing 30-40 bombs go off in your neighborhood daily and you never know when one might strike your home? FOR FOR YEARS this has been going on! Children MURDERED! Newborn babies MURDERED! Innocent women & men MURDERED! I even saw a video of a 15 year old boy being beheaded! YES! This goes on in the world!
I’m praying for these people who are so innocently being slaughtered for no reason at all. The more I learned the more I became humbled in my life. Not only for me, but for all those around me and the people right here in the USA who are living lives where we are more free than so many of the countries around the world.
I have issues, but my issues are things I can and will overcome with God on my side but my things are nothing compared to what is going on around our world.
We really have so much to be thankful for you know??
Thanks for reading.